Here goes..stepfather and I was afraid

Hi thefish,
Welcome to LAA. I hope you've been able to get oriented here a little bit and see the amount of good resources available to you.

And, I would suggest, if you are open to it, that you also consider the 12 Steps of other programs. I do both. I am not only a Love Addict but my life was nearly destroyed by a relationship with a sex addict/alcoholic. You no doubt carry much of your wounding due to your stepfather's abuse.

I wish you well.

p.s. Here are the Board Rules:

laarecovery.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=rules&action=display&thread=4970

Note: This is not a forum for explicit details.

Specifically, for your future shares: please be careful with the unnecessary details, as you could trigger others on the board. "Inappropriate behavior" are two words that can describe ALOT.

Hi Fish,

Thank you for sharing why you are here. I'm sorry your mother did not protect you and that you were molested by your step-father. You did nothing to deserve any of that and they both failed you terribly. I'm so glad that he got himself in so much trouble he was removed from your life. So many people's molesters are pillars of society and they are cast out by family and friends if they try to speak the truth. In your case, people will at least be more likely to believe you.

Although this kind of thing is so horrifying people rarely are open to even hearing about it. There are many people who have gone through the same thing and you can be heard here with understanding and positively acknowledged.

Bo is providing some guidance on how to keep people positively focused on you and your recovery instead of reacting to the memory of their own abuse, and graphic details are strong triggers. It's not about your experience being inappropriate to discuss, it's just how to do it in a way that keeps our focus on each other's health instead of our pain.

I also grew up in an environment where 'inappropriate behavior' was abundant although in different ways. I've spent my adult life unintentionally shocking people because of not knowing appropriate boundaries. My dad is a sailor and swears like it, he even offends other sailors with his language. Pornography and affairs were the norm. Part of recovery will be you'll learn 'appropriate' -- it's wonderful because then life becomes a lot easier interacting with the rest of the world!

When we act or speak in inappropriate ways predators see our vulnerability, consciously or unconsciously and are drawn to us. Their seeming acceptance of us where other people avoid us is a dangerous part of the dance.

Listen to 'The Tom Leykis Show' or read up on him to understand what I mean. He's made a lot of money encouraging men to exploit obviously damaged women.

Who knows what your molesters story is but statistically he was probably doing to you what was done to him. The chain of pain. We don't cause the pain, but like them, we have the choice of what to do with the abuse inflicted on us. Good on you saying you wouldn't do that to your own children. Do we change and break the lineage, or do we continue to pass along what was done to us? Either direct molestation or its many, many other acting out possibilities. The other subconscious acting out is the bain of recovery, it's amazing how extensive it can be when we think it's just 'not molesting' or 'not being in a bad romantic relationship'.

When I started therapy I was still a teen in the 70s. The therapeutic model was to focus on how bad the parents were and feel the feelings resulting from being harmed. Somehow that would heal us. And I was stuck there, raging for almost 20 years until I got into S-Anon (those who are dealing with the effects of having sex addicts in their lives) and started dealing with *my* core issues, what was my behavior that was causing problems for me and others and how could I grow out of them? I was so stuck on blaming and it never did anything but keep me in a childish state even as an adult. And I was in Al-Anon for years. Somehow the ability to make someone the addict or problem kept me from owning responsibility, even though the literature makes clear that's not the program intention. I think part of my solution is in S-Anon I had a sponsor who nurtured me, who said "You're beautiful. You didn't deserve that. You deserve God's love and the respect of other human beings. You are improving your life (here, here and here -- she's great at acknowledgment) with God's help." She was really positive in helping me find ways to grow and enjoy life. She's been in 12 step groups for over 40 years.

The question now becomes what is the state of your life? It's like taking a photo of your ability to care for yourself and your kids if you have them, your relationships with friends, family and co-workers, how you give and interact with the community -- and then studying it. What life have you created? What do you want it to be? This will require a village of support. There is this board. There are real life f2f groups you need to find in your community if they exist, there is a sponsor or two or three to be found. There are lots of books to read. There is a lot of new activities in life to add to yours to enjoy.

As adults we're in a position to re-write the rules. It's very powerful.

Thanks for sharing and glad you're here. Someone is going to read what you wrote and will feel less lonely too.

- Veronica