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Post by winduptoy on Aug 29, 2011 21:12:20 GMT -8
I want to die, but not in an acute misery sort of way. I've just always thought that once my mother passes away, I won't have any need to keep on living. I can't work and I'm terrified of going out, so I don't really have any friends (plus I'll end up homeless without my mom to live with). I do have a wonderful girlfriend but nobody ever wants to stay with me once they find someone better.
I only ever once found something that made my life worth living - volunteering with small children at an education-based day care. About five years after that gig someone accused me of wanting to molest children (not of actually DOING it or doing anything inappropriate with children - which I never have and never will) - which I don't, but nobody cares about the truth - so I can't go back to that (plus I get to deal with harassment from people who read the website these bullies created and believe it).
I only enjoy life when I'm with my girlfriend - which isn't a healthy way to be, I know. But before I was with her, I simply lived with the daily misery. It's just how my life was, and how I always expected it to be. Should our relationship end, that's where I'll be again, and I can't imagine I'll feel any more like living like that again.
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Post by Loving My Life on Aug 30, 2011 3:23:43 GMT -8
wind, first of I am not a doctor, if i was you i would try and get a appointment the a therapist and they will be able to help you to start working on some of this. You can probably call your local health dept and they will be able to guide to where you can get low or no cost therapy. and they will also be able to help you in alot of other ways also, housing etc. so do this for yourself, there is help for you, you just have to do a little footwork. keep sharing and try and find you some local 12 step meeting too.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Aug 30, 2011 3:32:49 GMT -8
Hi Windup,
It seems like a hard thing that you had to give up the childcare work you were doing through the bullying, but perhaps there is some other occupation waiting for you that will also bring you satisfaction and joy. There are many many organisations that are looking for generous people like yourself to volunteer. If you are feeling suicidal, as you say you have been, please remember that you can call people on free helplines 24 hours a day who are there to listen.
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Post by winduptoy on Aug 31, 2011 19:41:40 GMT -8
I started therapy at age 3. I kept going off and on for 20+ years. I tried again last year with an internet therapist but naively I stopped once I got with my girlfriend and life felt really good.
It doesn't much matter, though. I've given up on trying to get things better. I'm tired of constantly working to feel better about one thing or another, only to have something else screw things up for me.
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Post by Loving My Life on Sept 1, 2011 2:48:34 GMT -8
wind, dont give up yet, call around in your town there is help for you but you have to do the footwork, no-one can fix you, except you. you are worth it. ASK FOR HELP.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Sept 1, 2011 3:59:40 GMT -8
I don't really know what to say to you, so I'll just wish you well with your recovery.
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Post by Loving My Life on Sept 1, 2011 4:25:58 GMT -8
windup, I dont really think you are wanting to end your life, you are just wanting the pain to stop, and you are wanting to one who hurt you to hurt also. You really need to just reach out for help...there are people who will help you.
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Post by leebriar on Sept 1, 2011 6:46:25 GMT -8
If you are feeling suicidal go to your nearest emergency room. They will have help available there and will be able to put you in touch with professionals that can help you.
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Post by winduptoy on Sept 1, 2011 20:04:39 GMT -8
Thanks for the advice, but I've been getting "help" for mental problems for 25 years, and I'm 28 years old. I don't think this is something doctors can help with.
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Post by LovelyJune on Sept 2, 2011 3:10:19 GMT -8
There's an expression my mother used to tell me, "When you're through changing, you're through." ANd it seems that applies here. If you've given up on trying to feel better, on living, then no one can really help you. But recognize this, we all have work to do. We all have a gift to give the world. I don't care who or what you are, you DO have a gift to give the world and you need to figure out what that gift is and keep giving it. Maybe you could forget about "working to feel better." Maybe instead, you could refocus your attention on what it is you need to give the world....
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Post by Susan Peabody on Sept 2, 2011 15:08:31 GMT -8
yes 
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Post by Healing Ku'uipo on Sept 2, 2011 16:31:19 GMT -8
In my healing group I do a member said he was feeling that old'kill myself off' feeling again.
I really get that. I have had suicide or "kill myself off' pain since I was a teenager. Wanting the emotional pain I am feeling to end, feeling hopeless that there is an end...
But the feeling does end, it moves on..Today I felt an old twinge of that..I am not sure why I was so low today, but I have faith that if I ride through it, I will feel better again.
I have learned to acknowledge it but not take it too seriously.
Sorry you feel so low, I think it really sucks that some of us get this low.
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Post by newlifeinprogress on Sept 2, 2011 16:43:17 GMT -8
I hope you remember that you are wonderfully created, has a purpose in life, and God loves you just as you are!
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Post by tori on Oct 23, 2011 8:06:21 GMT -8
I often struggle with suicidal ideations, but I have no intentions of following through. It's the pain that I'm feeling that I want to end.
I am an only child and I never new my father and I don't know anyone on his side of the family and I was never close with anyone on my mother's side. When my mother pasted away a few years ago, I felt like she was the only person that truly loved me. and now that she gone, I feel so alone. I have kids and grandkids, but they're trying to live their own lives.
From a young child, I can remember always wanting a family...the family I never had. My mother was not a very affectionate person, but I knew she loved me. I am a very affectionate person. All I ever wanted was a man to truly love me. I feel so empty and I don't know how to fill this hole inside me. It hurts so much.
I smoke and I think the reason I won't stop is because, subconsciously, I am trying to slowly kill myself. Sometimes, I feel like a little girl all alone in this big bad world. I feel like people don't understand how I feel. I don't have anyone and it hurts. Everything falls on me and it's scarey. Living alone and being alone with no real connections. I have three good friends whom I've been knowing for many, many years, but they don't live in my state. We talk, but it's just not the same as having someone to come home to. Someone to really share your life with. Whenever I break off a relationship, it's not just the man I'm giving up, but the feeling of family as well.
I feel like I'm going thru the motions of living, but I'm really just existing. When you see me, I have a smile on my face and I may laugh and joke with people, but on the inside, I'm hurting so deeply and no one can see that pain.
I've been on different types of medications for depression off and on throughout my life, but it still doesn't take away the pain or the suicidal thoughts. I struggle with these thoughts everyday and I hate that I'm not one of these "strong women" who don't need a man. I know a "man" is not a need because you won't die without one.
I often get angry with God because I feel like he knows my pain, but will not do anything to relieve it. Right now, my relationship with God is on the rocks because I feel like I can't trust him. It's like he doesn't have my best interest at heart.
I feel extremely emotional. I'm up and down. Crying off and on. I'm still doing the things I'm suppose to, like going to school, but I don't have any real happiness or joy. Again, I'm just going through the motions of living, but not really living at all and I don't know how. I often ask what was my purpose for being born. Feeling like I do, death often seems like such a relief. People often say, "you have so much to live for". What? What do I have to life for? Struggling, striving, and hurting doesn't seem very joyful to me. Again, I'm not going take my life. These are just the thoughts and feelings I struggle with.
I can fake it like I have done so many times, but sill deep within I still have that yearning, that desire to be with someone who really loves me.
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Post by Loving My Life on Oct 23, 2011 9:56:34 GMT -8
lets look @ this in a different, maybe God is listening to you, maybe God is wanted you too learn to love yourself first, before you can give that love to a man. We have to somehow in recovery make that turning point and stop feeling sorry for ourselves, and feel like everyone has a wonderful life but us, and start recovering from our love addiction. it takes time for changes to come. but we have to love ourselves first. if you have any kind of face to face meetings in your area, meetings are so important when your first in recovery, you can meet people, and locals you can call on when you need someone, and you just have to keep a open mind, we are more alike than we are different. and always remember you are never alone, we are here, and if you get in contact with some local 12 step groups you dont have to be alone. we choose to be alone and isolate, but that is not healthy in your first 30 to 90 days in recovery. you deserve to be happy....write some affirmtions about yourself, at least one good thing about yourself a day, and after a month, you will have 30 positives affirmations. (per LJ). think positives drown out the negatives. keep coming back...
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Post by margot on Oct 23, 2011 10:17:06 GMT -8
Go to Co-Dependents Anonymous please. It will help to talk of your feelings with people. They can be your new friends. Find something to occupy your mind. Develop interests. Volunteer help in a nursing home or hospital or just about anywhere that they are short handed. Go to social service agencies for help in becoming more independent.
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Post by tori on Oct 23, 2011 14:07:29 GMT -8
I'm not feeling sorry for myself right now. I just wanted to share some thoughts and feelings. Would my post been more appropriate for journaling? I do agree that maybe God is wanting me to love myself first before I can give that love to a man. Step one of me loving myself is finishing school which is my major priority right now so this does occupy me. However, I still going through all my emotions and thoughts.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Oct 23, 2011 14:28:13 GMT -8
Hi Tori, I can totally relate to your post. There isn't one thing you said that I haven't thought at different times, and many times in the last two years of my last relationship, and then for quite a while into my first year of recovery. Yes, I've been in recovery for one year! I went to CODA for the first time in October 2010. Your post is officially my recovery birthday post.  The only things different are I didn't smoke regularly or believe in God. I especially relate to your yearning for a family. My parents are both alive and incapable of close relationships. So I'm right out for them, not a safe person for them at all since I have a habit of being emotional and needy. I tried to completely mask that (for about my whole life) so they would love me. Didn't work. When I hit my rock bottom early this year it was the beginning of finding a new strength I HAD NEVER EXPERIENCED BEFORE. I mean never. I didn't know it was there. No clue. I felt like you do. I hated comparing myself to the women who were strong around men and could look after themselves, but I did it all the time. I felt horrible. I remember one day I found out there was a part-time job going that would have suited me perfectly. I needed work. I was feeling so low with so little self confidence that the idea of having to turn up to work with those people (who are all good people) was so painful to me, because I thought they would reject me when they saw how pathetic I really was, that I didn't even apply for it. Luckily on the last day of the application process someone said it to me- That would be perfect for you- and I heard them. It broke through my feelings of failure. I quickly applied and got the job. It's been great. Thanks HP. There is only one way out Tori. Feel what is there, what is here inside. It's all about that. It's about going back for the lost little girl you abandoned because the pain was too much to bear. She needs you, that's why you hurt. She hurts. You can't ignore her and expect to be able to live a full life, full of joy, love, new experiences, creativity, friendships. Not possible. Thanks for posting. xx |
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Post by margot on Oct 23, 2011 19:09:10 GMT -8
Thank you Jacaranda........all that you've said is very helpful to me also. You are very good to have the patience to write such truth.
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Post by tori on Oct 24, 2011 11:01:51 GMT -8
Hi Tori, I can totally relate to your post. There isn't one thing you said that I haven't thought at different times, and many times in the last two years of my last relationship, and then for quite a while into my first year of recovery. Yes, I've been in recovery for one year! I went to CODA for the first time in October 2010. Your post is officially my recovery birthday post. The only things different are I didn't smoke regularly or believe in God. I especially relate to your yearning for a family. My parents are both alive and incapable of close relationships. So I'm right out for them, not a safe person for them at all since I have a habit of being emotional and needy. I tried to completely mask that (for about my whole life) so they would love me. Didn't work. When I hit my rock bottom early this year it was the beginning of finding a new strength I HAD NEVER EXPERIENCED BEFORE. I mean never. I didn't know it was there. No clue. I felt like you do. I hated comparing myself to the women who were strong around men and could look after themselves, but I did it all the time. I felt horrible. I remember one day I found out there was a part-time job going that would have suited me perfectly. I needed work. I was feeling so low with so little self confidence that the idea of having to turn up to work with those people (who are all good people) was so painful to me, because I thought they would reject me when they saw how pathetic I really was, that I didn't even apply for it. Luckily on the last day of the application process someone said it to me- That would be perfect for you- and I heard them. It broke through my feelings of failure. I quickly applied and got the job. It's been great. Thanks HP. There is only one way out Tori. Feel what is there, what is here inside. It's all about that. It's about going back for the lost little girl you abandoned because the pain was too much to bear. She needs you, that's why you hurt. She hurts. You can't ignore her and expect to be able to live a full life, full of joy, love, new experiences, creativity, friendships. Not possible. Thanks for posting. xx jacarandagirl, what you're saying is so true. Thank you. How do I go back for the lost little girl? How do I heal her? |
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Oct 25, 2011 4:03:30 GMT -8
Hi tori,
Some practical feedback- when you quote from someone's post there's not a lot of point quoting the whole post- it's written right above yours anyway, in bigger type we can read. When you hit the quote button, you can delete everything except the part you want to respond to in particular by carefully selecting it, deleting it while being careful to not delete the "quote" tabs. Only that part will show up in the quote box when you post. It makes it more relevant then to what you post in response.
With healing your little girl, I can't say definitively what you should do...all I can do is share what I do. Some people do inner child work, I haven't. I do self-enquiry, I got to CODA once or several times a week, I take time to feel when I'm lonely, I drink warm milky drinks and smoothies through a straw, I write about my childhood, I cry, I have counselling, I talk to friends, I started the 12 steps, I read about codependency, I post here, I tune in to what I'm feeling and try to notice when I am overriding my reactions to things, to people, I ride my bike and walk on the beach and I hold myself when I'm hurting. I stop negative self talk. I watch out for being tired and for pushing myself and not eating well. I do my best to stop those things.
I got on the net once and found images of my raggedy Anne and Andy dolls I used to adore. I had a whole family of them I would take to bed with me every night for years. They were my loving family substitutes. They have a heart on their chests that says "I love you".
I value her and let her grieve for herself, for the love and caring she missed out on. I give her space to live in my heart.
xx
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Post by tori on Oct 25, 2011 9:53:09 GMT -8
Thank you for sharing you experience Jacarandagirl. I'm still trying to figure out how to use the board so thanks for that feedback.
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