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Post by LovelyJune on Sept 2, 2011 4:01:36 GMT -8
Someone asked me the other day, "Where do you think love addiction comes from?" ANd of course, I felt as though there was no easy answer. We are all so different and a different combination of events brings us to any certain point. But there are a few generalities-- a few paths that we probably all walked down at some point in our lives to bring us here. There were false beliefs, too, that we ended up inheriting that pushed us toward this uncomfortable place. Here were the five main ones that made me a love addict: 1. No Self-Esteem/No Self Worth: When you place no value on yourself, you tend to view the world and the people in it as better than you. You tend to accept abuse, sstuffs, neglect and pain as part of life because there is nothing in your mind that can measure your worth and place you above the sstuffs. This can come from any number of places-- childhood, teen years, even early adulthood. Someone could have told us we were "nothing" among all the love we received and yet "nothing" stuck. Why? Who knows. We related to it. We allowed it to stick. But no self-worth is the number one issue that got you into this mess. Solution: Start to believe you are worth more. Easier said than done. But self-esteem books CAN help! Here's a list of suggested readings thelovelyaddict.com/books/2. No Set of Personal Values/Boundaries: The idea of having values was a foreign one for me. I never actually figure out what values were until about 3 years ago. But basically, it is a belief that something is so important to you and it is the ability to hold on to that belief and protect it at all costs. When we protect our core beliefs/values, we are engaging in self love. We are saying THIS VALUE is so important to me that I want to make sure everyone in my life shares it also. When you don't have values, you are like a bad filtration system that lets in a ton of junk and toxic pollutants. For more on values read here: thelovelyaddict.com/2010/01/10/what-are-values/ Solution: f igure out what you believe in, what you love, what you need in your life (hint: be more specific than "a boyfriend" or "love," because that's not a value. A value is more likely to be something like, "I need no drama in my life," or "I need to feel respected and not abused."3. No Model of What Healthy Love Looks Like: If you don't know what a healthy, loving relationship looks like, how can you be in one? My father was nuts and my mother was co-dependent. That's what I learned. Here's more on this topic: thelovelyaddict.com/2011/04/26/signs-of-a-healthy-partner/thelovelyaddict.com/2010/01/10/find-a-better-model-of-a-loving-relationship/ Solution: Find a better model of a healthy relationship. Look around you. Who seems to have a healthy, long term relationship. Copy their behaviors--even if you don't have a partner. You never learned when you were a child. It's time to learn now. 4. No Belief in My Ability to Take Care of Myself: I never grew up. At least not until I was about 36. For years, I still relished the idea of living with my mother and having her take care of me. I was scared to death to get a real job, to go to college, to grow up. I was scared because I saw the pain and suffering my mother went through to become a woman and I did not want to experience that. Besides, I wasn't any good at taking care of myself. I proved that in the jobs I left, and the relationships that failed. Solution: Take baby steps if you must, but begin to give yourself responsibility and do NOT give up on that responsibility. You will not become GOOD at being an adult until you do it for a long time. It will feel awkward at first. But you need to get over that hump. If you deal with a phobia that keeps you unable to work, go to therapy to try to work through this. Stunted growth keeps you addicted to love. It keeps you immature, unable to grow and experience the world. 5. No Experience Dealing with Healthy People/Prone to Fantasy: All my friends were creative artist types, dreamers, and all of them were unstable messes too. We all shared the same belief that Prince Charming was coming to sweep us off our feet. This fantasy-based thinking is and was toxic. For one, it kept me attracted to unrealistic, dramatic, emotional people who also believed in this kind of fantasy, and thus, none of us went any where. And two, it kept me from living a more authentic, hard working, reality-based life. Solution: Start to change your paradigm about using your logical brain. Fantasy is OK for a minute or two a day, but the reality is, unless your fantasies propel you to create a life for yourself, fantasy is simply a defense mechanism. Logical, rational thinking is NOT cold and "emotional thinking" with the heart is not always the route you should take. There needs to be a balance. Surround yourself with people who share this same belief and who are not prone to fantasy or drama. Learn a work ethic from them. And learn how important it is to use both your mind and your heart when it comes to making decisions. |
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Post by Bo on Sept 3, 2011 4:23:32 GMT -8
Voila!
This thread is the "Recipe for Recovery". Easy to Read, Difficult to Prepare, and Amazingly Rewarding, Healthy and Delicious in the end.
Thanks for sharing your Recovery Strength. I believe it is necessary to work the Solutions (mentioned above) Daily, Daily, Daily to grow stronger in recovery. Imagine just 7 days straight of working those suggested solutions?! hmmm, I think I'll try it!
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Post by Freetolive on Sept 3, 2011 5:29:24 GMT -8
I got here just like everyone else. I ran in here running from pain to only find out that I need to turn around and face the hurt I was running from all these years and expecting others to take care of it. No one can take care of my inside except me and God. People can shed insight, but I still have to re-parent myself. One day at a time.
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Post by Loving My Life on Sept 3, 2011 6:52:24 GMT -8
I got here b/c i was tired of obsessing over a fantasy with a total stranger and did not know how to stop the madness. I guess my self esteem/self worth was gone to allow this person to treat me like garbage. But this program works, i see the changes, it does not make the pain stop, but it is getting better. it has only been 2 months, so i going to keep working on me, it is going to get so much better. thx LJ for the post.
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Post by newlifeinprogress on Sept 3, 2011 7:35:02 GMT -8
Thank you for this great post.
Maybe I fell on the fantasy and lack of boundary in close friendship.
Thanks to this board I learned how to impose boundary now for myself and to let go of friendship fantasy.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Sept 4, 2011 4:20:40 GMT -8
How I got here
1.Refusal to look at myself or work on relationships. My first long term partner wanted to see a relationship counsellor with me. He was healthier than I was. I went on to find a less healthy partner...and an even less healthy partner...until I really hit a relationship dead-end road that shook my self-confidence so badly I became very depressed and scared.
2. Hope of a dream partner who would rescue me from my cruddy feelings about my own life. Instead of working on myself I felt that I was definitely going to meet someone who would make everything feel good again. I really believed that was where I was going to find myself, in someone else.
3. Dysfunctional childhood. Neither of my parents would have recognised a loving relationship if it came up and bit them on the nose. My mother specialised in biting other people. My father acted like he liked me, used me for comfort and amusement in a loveless marriage and then emotionally abandoned me. He also tried to make up for my mother's almost total lack of love, so I had some kind of care, but it was mainly a horrible environment to grow up in. I never told him about my mother's abuse. I thought if he knew how bad I really was (as I believed myself to be, according to my mother) I might lose his love. And then I would have been really at her mercy.
4. Fear of being alone. I equated being alone, as in without a partner, with being a failure. Also I couldn't rely on my mind to be friendly to me. I could find myself in a cycle of self destructive thinking that truly frightened me. I think this is why i couldn't watch horror movies, I had one going in my own head that didn't need any encouragement. I noticed that I could really spin out when i got stoned and the "veil" would lift and I'd see how restricted and scared I really felt and behaved, instead having of my usual ability to hide it from myself.
5. Self-hatred. I didn't believe that I deserved someone who would really be there for me. I didn't feel like I was worth someone sacrificing anything for, or even going out of their way for. I was unable to ask for what I wanted. I resented my partners and I resented myself.
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Post by LovelyJune on Sept 4, 2011 4:40:06 GMT -8
These are all important issues that brought you to this point. But what are your SOLUTIONS for getting out?  |
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Sept 6, 2011 4:55:00 GMT -8
How I got here
1.Refusal to look at myself or work on relationships. My first long term partner wanted to see a relationship counsellor with me. He was healthier than I was. I went on to find a less healthy partner...and an even less healthy partner...until I really hit a relationship dead-end road that shook my self-confidence so badly I became very depressed and scared.
SOLUTION: I do a self enquiry process about once a fortnight, sometimes more. I talk to people about issues I have with them, or at least do self enquiry about it.
2. Hope of a dream partner who would rescue me from my cruddy feelings about my own life. Instead of working on myself I felt that I was definitely going to meet someone who would make everything feel good again. I really believed that was where I was going to find myself, in someone else.
SOLUTION: STOP fantasising, watch obsessive thoughts and practise doing lovely kind fun things for myself. Take myself to places I love, eat food I like, watch movies I like, see my friends, go on little adventures with me, play music I like, whisper sweet nothings in my ear
3. Dysfunctional childhood. Neither of my parents would have recognised a loving relationship if it came up and bit them on the nose. My mother specialised in biting other people. My father acted like he liked me, used me for comfort and amusement in a loveless marriage and then emotionally abandoned me. He also tried to make up for my mother's almost total lack of love, so I had some kind of care, but it was mainly a horrible environment to grow up in. I never told him about my mother's abuse. I thought if he knew how bad I really was (as I believed myself to be, according to my mother) I might lose his love. And then I would have been really at her mercy.
SOLUTION: Life, my HP, shows me how to let go of wanting them to be different. My father shows me who he is and I let go of wanting him to be better. My mother is an alcoholic and I recognise through educating myself and counselling that she is not able to be there for anyone, let alone show me what I think should look like a mother's love.
4. Fear of being alone. I equated being alone, as in without a partner, with being a failure. Also I couldn't rely on my mind to be friendly to me. I could find myself in a cycle of self destructive thinking that truly frightened me. I think this is why i couldn't watch horror movies, I had one going in my own head that didn't need any encouragement. I noticed that I could really spin out when i got stoned and the "veil" would lift and I'd see how restricted and scared I really felt and behaved, instead having of my usual ability to hide it from myself.
SOLUTION: Face being alone. Cry and buy more tissues so I don't have to use toilet paper. Buy really nice aloe vera tissues. Write to the people I love and who love me. Read books. Watch movies. Be alone and hold me.
5. Self-hatred. I didn't believe that I deserved someone who would really be there for me. I didn't feel like I was worth someone sacrificing anything for, or even going out of their way for. I was unable to ask for what I wanted. I resented my partners and I resented myself.
SOLUTION: Become aware of my pattern of denial of self. Do nice things for me. Admit when I am being mean to me or other people and make amends. Forgive myself for messing up. Realise I have no choice if I want to have a happy life I'm the one who has to live it, there's no other option, it's physics, throw something up and it has to come down...eg. hate myself and I will not be happy, I will attract unhappy people, I will suffer.
Thanks for added encouragement LJ xx
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Post by LovelyJune on Sept 6, 2011 7:57:20 GMT -8
jacaranda- AWESOME!!!!!!!! If there's one thing I think we all need to put into practice it's the ACTION we take to recover. It's one thing to analyze ourselves and our behavior. It's something totally different to apply what you've learned to your recovery, come up with solutions and take action. |
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Post by Bo on Sept 6, 2011 22:20:53 GMT -8
"Come up with solutions (does not have to be done alone) and take action". I like that!
That is what continues to help my recovery.
The missing link for me was to write the the solutions down, and not keep them in my head. Solutions written down are like a "road map" to recovery...or whatever chosen destination.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Sept 7, 2011 3:00:35 GMT -8
@ LJ Thanks!!! Yeah, action is essential. Every single thing I'm doing for myself feels like it makes a difference.
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Post by faubourg on Sept 12, 2011 10:34:35 GMT -8
i love that!
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Post by Loving My Life on Sept 12, 2011 11:48:33 GMT -8
My solution to my problem, is too keep total NC with my xpoa. And to keep sharing on this forum b/c it has helped me so much, last week was the toughiest week ever, so now the focus is all back on me and my recover now. And taking care of my self-care and helping others in recovery. Just for today....
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Post by Healing Ku'uipo on Sept 12, 2011 13:58:42 GMT -8
You know when you read or hear something over and over and then finally one day it clicks?
Thats where I am at.
Where I began is emeshed in an inability to be intimate or get close to anyone. Letting anyone get close to me felt unsafe and like a fearfull violation. ( i know how this stems from unsafe Father and unavailable Mother)
I was reading over the types of love adicts.
Ambivilant and avoidant are my traits.
And what I kept hearing was fear if initmacy and then it clicked. I can see my pattern.
Get 'too close" and I will either run away with avoidance.
or I will become ambivilant and keep focusing on how the other person is ambivilant.
There must be a place inside me where the line is drawn.
cross it or get close and I act out.
Why? Fear, low self worth, ptsd, poor self image,feeling ugly and unlovable.
And now as I have been in recovery my line is getting deeper, I am capable of letting people get closer and I can reach out and be closer to others.
I still get to a point where I feel guarded and ambivilance and avoidance come up.
But lately I just see it as my comfort level is being challenged. And if its safe I can continue.
And if your ambivilant with me then I wont play that game.
That game kept me from being close to anyone, even my girls...
Progress... Let's keep making progress...
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Post by LovelyJune on Sept 13, 2011 6:06:43 GMT -8
I was always ambivalent too. But I finally figured out that it was due to something rather basic: I was simply dating men that I didn't particularly like or have respect for. Oh sure, I LOVED them and was hot and heavy for some. But when it got down to it, and I really saw them for who they are, they did not meet my standards. Period. Plain and simple. The second I realized that, I REFUSED to acknowledge it (if I acknowledged it, I'd have to give up the relationship and I didn't want to do that). And so, I became ambivalent. That tossing and turning in your mind is the battle within of right and wrong. And when you are with someone you truly value and respect, there is no ambivalence. There is clarity and certainty. But you can only KNOW this with strong self-esteem and loads of self-HONESTY.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Sept 13, 2011 19:21:42 GMT -8
I watch myself switch from ambivalent to codependent, depending on what's coming from the other person. Right now it's with friends and work associates. I notice myself move into the modes...it's great to see it happening and I think I don't act out on it after I've seen it. I feel like I'm able to look after my own feelings and they don't have to look after me if they don't want to. I'm gradually stopping even resenting people who are not available.
I'm working with a woman who seems to switch off as soon as i start talking about myself. I see a real potential negative pattern here, and have consciously stopped sharing daily "where I'm at" things with her unless she asks. Today she even asked me how I was going and then switched off within what seemed like a minute, maybe it was longer. She doesn't have a lot of room for it, so it's good for me to practise checking in with myself on how I'm going. But she does warn me, she told me that she was fading out. But then she had a good old rave about something else on her mind.
So far so good, I might need to vent a bit here, we do a big job together next week.
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Post by LovelyJune on Sept 14, 2011 2:28:05 GMT -8
I hate to say it, but most people do switch off when we talk about ourselves. Some of us (I was one of them) think that they are very important and that everyone wants to hear what they've got to say, positive babblings and negative rants. But the truth is, people just want to talk about themselves. It is the rare person who enjoys listening.
I actually stopped talking about myself to others, except my VERY close friends and family. I try to listen more now. I thought that just listening would be counterproductive. I had so much to say! And so much to dump! But the truth is, I feel so much better after I listen and the other person does most of the talking.
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Post by Healing Ku'uipo on Sept 14, 2011 4:53:09 GMT -8
My old pattern was too not even let someone get close enough to go out on a date, or go anywhere near asking me out. Any interest shown to me was painful for me. It made me feel sick to my stomach.
Last year a few friends confronted me that sometimes they felt like I didn't like them, my vibe put that off, It was a wake up call for me..
How could they not see through my defense? Why would they?
It's true, most people want to talk about themselves, in my therapy I learned how to listen and open up.
I found listening and truly feeling compassion and empathy was amazing!
But at this point, to think of getting close to someone, who is in the room, still makes me feel queezy.
But I am willing to feel the fear and do it anyway.
And right now I LOVE not being triggered or feeling scared. I am really digging being free of the stress and just being single.
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Post by newlifeinprogress on Sept 14, 2011 5:36:37 GMT -8
Thank you HK for sharing. It helps me to understand it better.
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Post by caroclean on Sept 14, 2011 11:58:51 GMT -8
Thank you girls for all your comments. I arrived here searching for help because I knew that I have a problem but I didn't know what was that.
Learn to live with my illness, with my adiction is the most difficult thing. I have been working since a lot of time on myself in giving me good things, since I start the NA process that what I have been doing, working in feeling better. But my LA has been always there, making me live a disaster.
Now what I am doing? trying to find a way to feel cool with myself and stop seacrhing the happinees and the freedom in others sites (man).
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Sept 14, 2011 14:06:57 GMT -8
about listening- I have leant about a japanese process called Kensan, which means "How is it really?". It's where people sit in a circle and share what is going on for them about a certain topic, and the others listen. Decisions can be made without a hierarchy or leader using this method. The only rule is that you don't speak over someone else and you don't express anger at someone else in the Kensan process if you can help it.
I need to remember to practise this in my life with everyone!!! I love talking about myself and I often interject before someone has finished. I want to tell myself how i am and what I need.
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