Post by addie711 on Sept 2, 2011 13:30:06 GMT -8
When you are a child all you know is your family. Don't know that things could be different because you have nothing to compare to. I thought I came from a functional family but as time has gone by and I have seen how other families function, I have realized that in my family love, acceptance and affection was extremely scarce. I just thought everyone's family was like that too.
I know now my parents love me and did love me growing up. It was just that they did not know how to show it to me. But unfortunately as a child I was not able to figure this out and I grew up thinking they did not love me and I was not ok.
Growing up my mother never , even to date (47), has said I love you to me. I don't remember any hugs or any sympathy from her. I don't blame her because her mother was even worse with her. My grandmother was so cold, she would not even look at you when she talked to you. My grandfather died when my mom was 5. So she got no love there either.
On top of that my grandmother as well as my mother were extremely strict. I was punished all the time for dumb reasons and hit with a belt often. This was very common in my country.
I was a chubby child, which my mother hated and I got compared to my cousins who were thin constantly. I was not good enough for my mom.
I grew up feeling that I was not as good as the other girls were and did not deserve good things to happen to me. I never expected that any of the good popular boys would look at me. So I always went for the losers. I felt very ashamed because of the way I looked and I felt that my mom was ashamed of me.
My father on the other hand was a little more loving. But this was not constant. Sometimes he would hug me and call me his princess. I would feel so happy and could not wait for him to get home from the office to hang out with him. But most of the time he would reject me and tell me to go play because he was too tired to pay attention to me. Or maybe he had been drinking (happened often) and did not want anything to do with me. I remember often crying myself to sleep longing for his love. Somehow I have done this through my life crying and longing for men's love. I never longed for my mom's love because since I never got it, I never expected it.
He was extremely strict and controlling. If I did not do what he said I would be punished. I grew up being very scared of him. I also felt that I was not the daughter my father wanted me to be. I was often criticized by him for the way I looked (too fat)and the way I acted (not feminine enough). I grew up feeling ashamed of who I was. I grew up with many rules, much discipline and very little affection.
I felt so deprived of affection that a man that worked in my house tried to molest me and I was so happy about it. He hugged me, kissed me and molested me (a little only) and I loved it. I was 7 years old. Nothing bad happened because someone saw him and he got fired. I felt so ashamed I felt it had been my fault because I enjoyed the whole thing.
I don't want to say it was all bad. I had brothers that I played with all the time, went to the best schools and had many happy times with my family.
But when I look back, I do believe I was deprived of the love and attention
that a kid should get to be a healthy adult.
I know now my parents love me and did love me growing up. It was just that they did not know how to show it to me. But unfortunately as a child I was not able to figure this out and I grew up thinking they did not love me and I was not ok.
Growing up my mother never , even to date (47), has said I love you to me. I don't remember any hugs or any sympathy from her. I don't blame her because her mother was even worse with her. My grandmother was so cold, she would not even look at you when she talked to you. My grandfather died when my mom was 5. So she got no love there either.
On top of that my grandmother as well as my mother were extremely strict. I was punished all the time for dumb reasons and hit with a belt often. This was very common in my country.
I was a chubby child, which my mother hated and I got compared to my cousins who were thin constantly. I was not good enough for my mom.
I grew up feeling that I was not as good as the other girls were and did not deserve good things to happen to me. I never expected that any of the good popular boys would look at me. So I always went for the losers. I felt very ashamed because of the way I looked and I felt that my mom was ashamed of me.
My father on the other hand was a little more loving. But this was not constant. Sometimes he would hug me and call me his princess. I would feel so happy and could not wait for him to get home from the office to hang out with him. But most of the time he would reject me and tell me to go play because he was too tired to pay attention to me. Or maybe he had been drinking (happened often) and did not want anything to do with me. I remember often crying myself to sleep longing for his love. Somehow I have done this through my life crying and longing for men's love. I never longed for my mom's love because since I never got it, I never expected it.
He was extremely strict and controlling. If I did not do what he said I would be punished. I grew up being very scared of him. I also felt that I was not the daughter my father wanted me to be. I was often criticized by him for the way I looked (too fat)and the way I acted (not feminine enough). I grew up feeling ashamed of who I was. I grew up with many rules, much discipline and very little affection.
I felt so deprived of affection that a man that worked in my house tried to molest me and I was so happy about it. He hugged me, kissed me and molested me (a little only) and I loved it. I was 7 years old. Nothing bad happened because someone saw him and he got fired. I felt so ashamed I felt it had been my fault because I enjoyed the whole thing.
I don't want to say it was all bad. I had brothers that I played with all the time, went to the best schools and had many happy times with my family.
But when I look back, I do believe I was deprived of the love and attention
that a kid should get to be a healthy adult.
