darkangels3251
Junior Member
No Contact for one year-bring it on!
Posts: 78
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Post by darkangels3251 on Sept 9, 2011 19:46:16 GMT -8
I'm not sure where I would post this, but I just decided to post it here because it does have some relevance to self esteem...anyways, yes its been 4 months since I have been here and since then I have learned that a lot of people are facing similar circumstances (though I have to admit I keep centralizing myself that I'm the only one with problems). I now know that I do have an inferiority complex, that I think that I'm not intelligent enough, that I'm not fully educated or worldly enough, that I lack social skills or I talk at inappropriate times or say inappropriate things, that for some reason I'm the bottom of the totem pole of society and that I keep ranking myself with others...at work, I'm a complete loner, not being able to engage in conversations like everyone else, at school I'm struggling with only 2 classes, and at home I'm a complete mute, lacking empathy with my family. I do have a few close friends and friendly people, but for some odd reason, the cycle of negativity keeps fueling back....it's those same repetitive thoughts and behavior that I catch myself doing...but regardless, even though it has been almost a month since I have lost touch with LAA, I still am keeping my word and sticking to my promise to be here in this board for another year atleast to see where I'm going...yes thoughts of poa are disseminating day by day and I have reached milestones to sustain NC, but I want to make sure that I'm still sober with other men out there, and that I don't want to engage myself in another relationship until I stop seeing myself as an inferior human being...because all I think of myself is negativity....and hate....I simply use to hate myself...but this is going to change...and that's the promise I'll make.
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Post by veronica on Sept 9, 2011 20:51:23 GMT -8
Darkangel: You are doing the right things. Please have patience with your recovery, lots of it.
February 2006 I hit bottom. No money, divorced, involved with a sex addict, friends that well -- couldn't judge me, career floundering, I created all kinds of drama at work. I'd run instead of work things out that could be worked out, I didn't know how to discern the difference.
Today I'm happily married to a guy my entire family says over and over again how thankful they are he's in my life, they love him. Me too. I earn more than the President of the United States. I invent things that earns patents. I have a few close friends. Very little drama at work generated by me anyway. I was recognized as one of a handful of people in the company of 100K people for my ability to be both powerful in my job and make work pleasant and fun for others. I have a very peaceful life. I keep it simple. And the most important thing is my recovery, still.
I still struggle. Just ask a friend to find me and they'll say something in exasperation, I still hide a lot. I am here because I almost screwed up my marriage. I have a terrible learning disorder that routinely makes me sound very naive at times and means there is a certain level of professional accomplishment I haven't been able to achieve. On the other hand, I've been told it's one of the reasons I'm creative.
I could lose it all tomorrow, especially if I stray from recovery and try to do it all on my own again.
The point is that being here and applying yourself to recovery, to finding sponsors who will help lift you up according to their various gifts and loving the addict and everything else inside can create miracles.
You're here! Everyone here knows what a miracle that is in their life and yours. Take it easy. Patience -- you know, give it 15 years not just one. Those 15 will happen anyway. Might as well make them more peaceful and less chaotic. Not perfect, just more peaceful and less chaotic. One day at a time is a slogan, but it's so powerful. It sounds like you're doing the right things. I guarantee you'll be surprised where you end up if you continue.
I hope you can acknowledge your dedication for the amazing thing it is.
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darkangels3251
Junior Member
No Contact for one year-bring it on!
Posts: 78
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Post by darkangels3251 on Sept 13, 2011 19:09:30 GMT -8
Oh thank you Veronica, yes I think I need to work on it day by day, and see the steady improvement, maybe thinking of the present is the most important thing that can be achieved.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Sept 14, 2011 14:49:28 GMT -8
Hi darkangel,
Glad you've made a decision and promise to keep on with your recovery here. Can you use more paragraphs when you write? It will help me to be able to read your posts.
It seems like you have some pretty heavy feelings about yourself. I can relate, I have a hard time giving myself the love I missed out on as kid. I would like to ask you if this, what you wrote, is true- "at work, I'm a complete loner, not being able to engage in conversations like everyone else"
And also this- "at work, I'm a complete loner, not being able to engage in conversations like everyone else,"
Are those things true? Are you really COMPLETELY like that?
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darkangels3251
Junior Member
No Contact for one year-bring it on!
Posts: 78
|
Post by darkangels3251 on Sept 17, 2011 6:01:43 GMT -8
Sometimes, I feel that when I do have things going on in my mind, it seems that I don't engage actively with others, and that I just shut myself down...it's like when I compare myself, I tend to be the quiet, not so talkative type, and I feel like it is a negative quality in me....a lot of times, I see others with good social skills, who can keep people attracted to them, but me somehow, if I do say something it either sounds cliche'd or just plain boring and dull, or maybe I'm stuck in my own problems that I don't even have the time to talk or get along with others. I also feel that my past of pleasing others, and meeting the wrong crowd has made me become more closed off to others, because of the fear of experiencing that pain again....I know this sounds all negative, but if I can recall, I was once a social butterfly until fairly recently, within the past 3 months.
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darkangels3251
Junior Member
No Contact for one year-bring it on!
Posts: 78
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Post by darkangels3251 on Sept 17, 2011 6:04:52 GMT -8
...but jacarandagirl, to answer your question, I don't think I'm completely a loner, but maybe it's just that I've been a bit shut off from everyone else because of these debilitating problems....I'm trying to become more solution oriented.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Sept 17, 2011 14:49:25 GMT -8
Whoops, just noticed I asked you the same thing twice. I meant to ask you is this one true as well- "and at home I'm a complete mute, lacking empathy with my family"
So that's great you're trying to become more solutions orientated. I hope you share them here as you find them.
Good find- a bit shut off is way different to a complete loner.
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