|
|
Post by LovelyJune on Sept 13, 2011 5:58:41 GMT -8
I think we hold on to ex boyfriends (or girlfriends) so tightly and for so long, long after they're gone, because we consider them a part of who we are. Like an arm or a leg. Like a family member. We compartmentalize them and arrange our lives around their memory. They may even be like a lifeline to something that bears connection to something much bigger than ourselves. For me, I kept journals all my life. Each journal was literally devoted to a different GUY. The eras of my life were broken into who I was dating at the time. It was how I categorized and moved through my entire history. There's the G era, the R era, the D era, the other D era, the P era and so....Trying to get rid of this kind of ingrained classification system is almost like trying to erase big chunks of your history. It's impossible unless you are willing to train your brain to think differently. Instead of associating huge tracts of my life with some man, I have started to associate other things within that timeframe: school, travel, work...And it helped. 1989 is no longer the H era, but the Paris days. 2008 was not the S year, but the year my Uncle died, and the year I got serious about my recovery. But even when I try to redefine my history, those pesky exs keep popping back into my memory and with good cause. That is who I was. That is how I lived my life for so long. I cannot erase my history. Also, I used to hold on to old letters and memorabilia from ex bfs. Boxes upon boxes of letters from inconsequential guys telling me, "you're hot," or "I love you." I saved them because I envisioned others finding these letters when I was dead and gone. They would read the letters and think, "Wow! She was truly loved by so many..." But what silliness! More realistically, my great-grandchildren would find those letters they'd think, "Grandma was a very *friendly* person." Or "She sure did get around." Definitely not the legacy I want to leave behind. So now, it's all about slash and burn. I no longer feel validated by those letters. They no longer define my worth. If anything, they burdened me, and so they all got tossed. Interestingly, I used to feel such a deep sense of loss at the thought of throwing the stuff out that I never did it. But now I feel as though the empty space is more of a gain. I feel free. So...how do you hang on and how do you plan to let go? Write it out. Talk about it. Do you physically hold on to memories, or do you hold on emotionally. What do you think will happen to you if you let go? What are you afraid of? Originally posted here thelovelyaddict.com/2011/09/13/can-you-let-go/Inspired by a conversation here: laarecovery.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=drawal&action=display&thread=10160&page=1 |
|
|
|
Post by happyberry on Sept 13, 2011 6:28:31 GMT -8
this is really great. I don't think about it that way as much anymore and THANK GOD I was never a big hanger-on of letters, etc. from exes.
|
|
|
|
Post by sweettgirll on Sept 13, 2011 6:51:34 GMT -8
thanks LJ for your post!
i thought about it alot lately and i realized that i hold the memories mentally and physically but especially mentally i always refused and still refuse to let go of the memories because they are the memories of that someday someone loved me and my company, they are sweet memories of love but its only a fantasy because the relationship is over and someday they will have no value in my life maybe a small value and its useless to keep those memories but i am still not in the level of having a high self esteem and to let go fully of the memories.
i really do wand to let go of the memories gradually it will happen:)
|
|
|
|
Post by Loving My Life on Sept 13, 2011 6:54:23 GMT -8
LJ, just for today i can let go, but i still cant bring myself to delete his pictures and voice msgs from my phone...im not looking and/or listening to them. but that seems so final, maybe in a few months i will be able to delete all of those. i know in my heart this jerk is my sisters bf, so he is dead to me. And letting go is a process, and today i have let go. thx for asking. ;-)
|
|
|
|
Post by nvr2late on Sept 13, 2011 7:37:51 GMT -8
Just what I needed today. Thank you.
|
|
|
|
Post by LovelyJune on Sept 13, 2011 8:28:15 GMT -8
carolyn, let go in baby steps. I hid stuff in drawers, and then a year after, i finally threw stuff away. I haven't thrown everything away, mind you. But a good 95%.  |
|
|
|
Post by newlifeinprogress on Sept 13, 2011 17:18:30 GMT -8
Y-E-S!!! I've just DONE IT!!! I have LET GO AND LET GOD! Yeheeeeeeeeeeeey!  Thank you LJ for this great post and for asking! :-) |
|
darkangels3251
Junior Member
No Contact for one year-bring it on!
Posts: 78
|
Post by darkangels3251 on Sept 14, 2011 18:21:34 GMT -8
This is definitely something I am willing to share about. Up till this day for the past four months since I broke up with the poa, I have been having bouts of sadness and emptiness as well as bouts of feeling happy and figuring out my life....however, I have to be honest that emotionally I still do hold on to him, and that I associate certain dates or months of the past with the times I would spend with my ex boyfriend, even if it was the times where we had too much drama...I still miss that drama. I know deep inside I crave for the love from him again, but now, knowing that he is a new relationship off to a new start, and me being here day by day discovering myself, I'm hoping that my thoughts about him would diverge and would be left with the past.
|
|
barbed wire heart
Junior Member
Technical Support Moderator
2017.....Im ready
Posts: 71 
|
Post by barbed wire heart on May 27, 2015 18:19:37 GMT -8
I just don't know how to initiate the goodbye without the cycle starting over again. The texting back and forth, the promises, the repeated farewells.....the doom and gloom. I'm a love addict, he's an avoidant/seductive withholder. We are trapped. Please give me suggestions.
|
|
|
|
Post by midnightcry on May 27, 2015 18:33:19 GMT -8
No-Contact!!! Nothing else works.
|
|
|
|
Post by LovelyJune on May 28, 2015 3:15:53 GMT -8
I just don't know how to initiate the goodbye without the cycle starting over again. The texting back and forth, the promises, the repeated farewells.....the doom and gloom. I'm a love addict, he's an avoidant/seductive withholder. We are trapped. Please give me suggestions. You're not trapped. That's your first fallacy. And you need to stop buying into the "story" of being trapped or you will, indeed, remain in a cycle. For starters, being trapped is a romantic notion. It's Hollywood. It is not, however, very realistic. You're not a slave. You are not in prison. You're not a captured individual without freedom to move about. If you want to get out of a relationship, you say, "That's it, it's over." and it's over. The next time he calls, you don't pick up the phone. You move on. If he texts, you don't respond. Easy. The trouble is not that you are trapped by him or the relationship. The trouble is, you are trapped by your OWN emotions and belief systems. You believe that this relationship and this person in it is acceptable to you in some way, and while your logical brain may know you need to get out, your emotional brain doesn't and refuses to budge. At this point, like all love addicts, you're allowing your emotional brain (the child within you) to run the show and make decisions. When your emotions run the show, that's all fine and good IF you were in a healthy relationship. But, you're not. So, your emotions should not be in charge of making life decisions for you. They cannot make LOGICAL, SAFE, HEALTHY decisions that are in your best interest. Emotions are selfish and simply want what they want when they want it. So, the only way to break out of this false belief system is to start to train your brain that you are WORTH MORE than what this man is willing to offer you. It sounds like you have half a relationship, not a full one. It also sounds like this person is unstable, unpredictable, dishonest, slightly narcissistic, wrapped up in drama and so on...It also seems like you are equally mirroring these traits. Are you? If you are, Is this how you want to be? And is this person the type of person that you feel you deserve? If your logical answer is no, then read as much as you can on topics that improve your self worth. Here's a start: thelovelyaddict.com/2014/03/01/you-are-entitled-to-something-better-than-sstuffs/ |
|
|
|
Post by Havefaith on May 29, 2015 16:54:39 GMT -8
"The most challenging reinforcement of a behavior is intermittent. You never know when you will be rewarded or punished. In gambling, for instance, you might play for an hour and not win anything. Then just as you play the last quarter, you get ten more. Now you are likely to stay and see if you can win again. This is true of highly addictive romantic relationships. You may put in more than you receive and, just as you are about to end the relationship, you are given just enough for you to feel hopeful about the possibility. Thus you stay." This is from a blog written by Dr. Brenda Schaeffer (www.loveandaddiction.com). Sound familiar? I know the pattern well -- I lived it for a number of years with a seductive withholder. It is VERY addicting (hello, love addiction!) and dramatic. At first, it makes one feel alive -- then the angst starts creeping in, until one feels, as you say, "trapped" and deeply anguished. Nope - this is not healthy love. But I think you know that. Commitment and mutual respect, while not 'dramatic', are aspects of healthy relationships. Listen to LovelyJune -- start reading her posts and posts at this forum -- Susan Peabody has written several excellent books on this topic -- if possible, see a therapist. Being in a continual state of compulsive yearning and obsession is a wretched way to live. Believe me, I know. If you want 'out' badly enough, start to take steps --baby steps are fine! -- towards a path of healing and recovery. Thinking of you, havefaith p.s. -- I just read an article (latest post) on Your Love Voice that talks about the phenomenon of being trapped, gives excellent and practical advice, and also refers to Susan Peabody's book "Addiction to Love" ! Definitely worth reading, in my opinion -- yourlovevoice.com/need-to-control/ |
|
barbed wire heart
Junior Member
Technical Support Moderator
2017.....Im ready
Posts: 71
|
Post by barbed wire heart on May 30, 2015 21:00:56 GMT -8
Thank you Lovely June and Havefaith, I wanted to let you know that I have taken tiny baby step. I told him I needed time away from him because the withholding was seriously affecting me. He acknowledged it, "I know it's too much for you. Ive hurt you. For that, I am sorry." Sooooo, I thought I would not initiate contact but be polite and answer his texts and I will not go out with him or see him. Ofcourse, as I type this, it sounds nuts. But It's the most I can do right now and I feel very confident, truth be told. Magical thinking? Guilty. Wish I could forget.
|
|
|
|
Post by Havefaith on May 31, 2015 16:34:46 GMT -8
The important thing is that you are taking a step forward -- and let me tell you, those 'baby steps' add up!
Recovery is a process. It does not happen overnight (that's magical thinking!). Be patient and loving with yourself. Honor your values and set boundaries to hold to those values.
And don't be overwhelmed with the process -- taking it one day at a time is enough...
HaveFaith
|
|
barbed wire heart
Junior Member
Technical Support Moderator
2017.....Im ready
Posts: 71
|
Post by barbed wire heart on May 31, 2015 19:10:39 GMT -8
Thank you Havefaith, it's torture analyzing. remembering....what he said and didn't do what he didn't say but did. Dear Lord, the day I can wake up and not suffer will be my birthday.......... I want to have proof of an infidelity, of a backstabbing of a big lie, something to give me strength. A friend once told me, "Remember the bad," SUCH POWERFUL WORDS. I need a BIG bad now.
|
|
|
|
Post by Havefaith on Jun 1, 2015 2:37:18 GMT -8
A big part of this addiction, for me, was the obsessive-compulsive thinking. Kept me stuck. One thing that really worked for me was not to dwell on the good or bad. It was simply not to dwell. Yeah, easier said than done! I had a number of techniques I used to help, but one thing that was particularly good for me was to knock POA off the LA Pedestal and view him as a fellow human being, with strengths and struggles like the rest of humanity -- another fellow human being trying to make it through the day. Not the end-all be-all. not some soul mate, not some knight in shining armor. A person who is stumbling through life like the rest of us...
HaveFaith
|
|
barbed wire heart
Junior Member
Technical Support Moderator
2017.....Im ready
Posts: 71
|
Post by barbed wire heart on Jun 1, 2015 13:37:54 GMT -8
A big part of this addiction, for me, was the obsessive-compulsive thinking. Kept me stuck. One thing that really worked for me was not to dwell on the good or bad. It was simply not to dwell. Yeah, easier said than done! I had a number of techniques I used to help, but one thing that was particularly good for me was to knock POA off the LA Pedestal and view him as a fellow human being, with strengths and struggles like the rest of humanity -- another fellow human being trying to make it through the day. Not the end-all be-all. not some soul mate, not some knight in shining armor. A person who is stumbling through life like the rest of us... HaveFaith So true HaveFaith, because they are just as scared and confused. |
|
barbed wire heart
Junior Member
Technical Support Moderator
2017.....Im ready
Posts: 71
|
Post by barbed wire heart on Jun 1, 2015 18:39:55 GMT -8
Just wanted to report that today was just pitiful. I stuck to my guns though! HA!
He doesn't know he's an avoidant, he doesn't know jack! I sent him literature once before but my guess is he became confused with it all and threw it away. So today, he was fishing, asking if I'm going to stay away from him because he would like to see me. I'm thinking, "For what?" Yes, Ive become sort of crude but he's made me this way. During the conversation (text) I asked him if he knew why he had so much trouble with intimacy. TROUBLE? DUH!
Well, I explained in simple terms what he is and why and what I am and why. His answer, " So you think talking to someone is going to fix me?" Since this was via text, don't know the tone that was implied. The texting conversation escalated and he went on to say that I needed to be more patient, {it's been months that this has been going on} and that I should resort to using a toy to alleviate my needs in the meantime. I almost blew a gasket. My answer and forgive my vulgarity, "Up yours!"
|
|
|
|
Post by Havefaith on Jun 3, 2015 15:04:53 GMT -8
It took me quite a while, but I learned to detach from manipulative conversations (texts, emails, etc.). They were a dramatic, emotional tug-of-war with words that did little more than keep me stuck in a state of addiction, because (for me) they fed my addictive need for emotional intrigue and drama. That, in turn, kept me in a perpetual adolescent mindset, not allowing me to mature into a healthy adult who could reflect on 'grown up' values, set boundaries and keep them firmly in place.
I still have a propensity towards drama, and have to be vigilant not to get involved in a back-and-forth war of words with ex-POA's, emotional vampires, and others who would want to create drama or otherwise pull me into no-win conversations. My inner peace and joy is becoming more important to me than conversing with someone who seeks to keep me engaged in adolescent-minded hijinks...
HaveFaith
|
|
barbed wire heart
Junior Member
Technical Support Moderator
2017.....Im ready
Posts: 71
|
Post by barbed wire heart on Jun 5, 2015 21:04:49 GMT -8
Inner Peace....... Wow what a divine concept. I, too, want that. I want to be able to see him and not feel so much, in any way. I would like to see him, spend time and detach until the next time. Truth is, we have a great time together. He's spontaneous, respectful, tender, worries about me, looks out for me. It wish..........
I know his withholding is due to fear. He says he doesn't know what he did to deserve me or why my eyes looked at him. I think he feels inferior in a few ways, age, body image, upbringing... Not my fault nor my problem. He's 51, not a child. I'm 41 & a single mother. We were doing fine and slowly he began withholding. It's so sad and frustrating because I can almost touch it, taste it but he won't let me. I wonder if there's any hope for him? I can sense what he feels for me when he looks at me. I know he loves me but he says he freezes when it's intimacy time so he avoids it. I saw him last night and even though it was a great time all around, but no intimacy. Didn't even ask if I wanted to go to his house. We each got in our cars. I used to stay with him way more but he's created space for his comfort due to his fear. I have told him all of this and that it's affecting me. I'm going to be strong and think about myself more. I want peace too.
|
|
|
|
Post by Havefaith on Jun 6, 2015 14:40:57 GMT -8
Finding that inner peace has been a long journey for me, and I still stumble at times. But it DOES get easier if one works at it. What does AA say? 'It works if you work it" -- and that is true.
I could no longer take the obsessive-compulsive thinking and the constant state of angst it kept me in. I hit my rock bottom, and I finally took action to recover and start the healing process. I thank my HP (Holy Trinity) daily for guiding me towards a path of recovery...
HaveFaith
|
|
