Fantasy's Over...

Im so sorry that you are struggling so much but it is completely understandable! I have heard that it takes the typical blended family about 5 years to settle in. Not saying that to discourage you but to just point out that what you are going thru is really normal. I think the key may be to keep your expectations realistic, its NOT going to be brady bunch perfect..

I am very much like you in regards to my level of commitment when the going gets tough. I can be extremely loyal and commited but during times of arguments and crisis, I also want to run away and leave it all behind. I have been quilty of saying the D word over really petty things and after having said it so many times, it lost its impact and the ex hubby agreed. I also have done in it in long term relationships and turns out I think what Im really feeling is fear, stress, insecurity when I say those things. In the long run because of my inability to communicate my real feelings...the threats of ending and running become a self fulfilling prophesy, yes?

Just an abservation also in regards to you...You seem to be a real giver here and are always giving to others wonderful nuggets of truth and guidance and I for one really appreciate it! I just wonder who gives you the support and feedback and guidance that YOU need? I dont see you in that sort of role because you always seem to have the answers for others and at least in my eyes appear to not need what many of us need...that can be a double edged sword.

So...Do you work a program of recovery? Are you attending meetings? Do you have a sponsor that you can call on to help you wade thru this myriad of stuff we have to contend with?

Thank you for sharing so honestly.
I am very rigid myself.Single mom now for 6 years,own my home, do everything my way.
I was an adult child. If I didn't I could have died( so I thought).

Living with my ex was a disaster. I didnt know he was a neat freak who refused to clean and he didnt know I was messy and more interested in creativity rather than mopping and dusting like his mother. He was also a neat freak that refused to brush his hair.?.
Anyways,
At that point in my life I didnt know how to bend and sway and be flexible, or know How to compromise. Or speak my needs.
These days when I come upon my rigidity and relax and practice compassion,(or whatever i need) I feel sick to my stomach. It is such an uncomfortable feeling,why would I do it?
I call them growing pains. My growing edges.
I can see how his daughters diet would be so frustrating.It's very clear from your description.
This is what's called a challenge, right?
Can you take out a Harville Hendrix workbook and sit together and work it through?

In my group last week two women had a confrontation and I thought"no way are they going to be closer at the end of this."
But they did it with so much love and support from us that they were able to work through it. And they were closer afterwards.

You are a really smart and Loving woman. You can do this.

Can you see this conflict as a way to grow closer? What are the gifts here?
(( Hugs ad Support)) HK

I know that sometimes kids say no to the eating as part of the adjustment. But what do I know.

thanks for writing this. I am dealing with unemployment, namely my partner's and it's very very difficult.

I am really disappointed in him and it's only recently that I feel heard.
Sometimes it's hard to differentiate between red flags and being human.

Real, honest relationships are so hard for us LA's.

LJ and happy, I am really grateful to you ladies for coming here and being so honest about your feelings and issues regarding your relationships. Something I struggle with as a love addict is thinking that either everything needs to be peachy keen or else it's all terrible and needs to be done away with. Seeing both of you in relationships, and hearing about how you're attempting to work through your issues with your partners is helping to break down my very rigid black-and-white way of thinking about relationships. I'm starting to see that they don't have to be perfect and happy to still be healthy. It's how you deal with the issues that do come up.

That's true!

leebriar: WOW! 5 years. That seems like forever. But I could totally see where that would be the case. SO many blended families give up before then.

But thank you so much for your thoughts. ANd you're right, I have been thinking of either going to therapy or finding some kind of group in my area to deal with this. And while D is hugely supportive of nearly everything I do or say, he doesn't really "get" recovery, nor would he know what to say to snap me out of a funk. SO....I think I need to seek help elsewhere. Oh yes, and Happyberry, because of her level of recovery helps me too...as do so many of you whether you know it or not.

Lastly, I think there's a difference in using a "break up" and wanting to "run away." I very rarely mention break up as something I want to do. BUT, I kinda put it out there as HIS option. "Well, if you can't deal with me, break up..." That's manipulation and I hate that I do it, but I know when I do it (when I am feeling EXTREME naked and vulnerable or unloved). I pull the "I want to run away" card much more freuquently, and that's not spoken as manipulation. That is all me and my desperation to remove myself from a stressful situation that I no longer feel I have control over. But, this hurts D to hear me say this. And I feel bad for hurting him.

healing: it's nice to hear that someone else is as rigid as me. I think we are like this as a way to protect ourselves. I never realized how rigid and controlling I was until my life changed. And wow! I am seeing all my bad qualities come out at once! It's pretty discouraging.

@happy: Life on life's terms! I needed to hear that!

tizzy: D's daughter is 4. ANd she's the cutest thing ever. I have no daughters, and there are NO GIRLS in my extended family, so she's amazing to me and I love her. But if she were my daughter and she were that picky about food...(OK, see? I can't go there). And D is an AWESOME dad. I have never witnessed a more loving, attentive father (remember, my father was neglectful of me as was my ex of our children). But the way he manages his kids' diets upsets me (AND I CAN'T FOR THE LIFE OF ME FIGURE OUT WHY). We have discussed food choices and plans already. But it doesn't seem like enough. I keep having flair ups in this area. I keep thinking I can get her to eat healthier, if only we took this approach...

As for the blended family stuff: we have talked extensively of instituting the same rules for everyone, so we're kinda good in that department. Trouble is, how do you institute the same rule for some one who refuses to follow it. The rule is: you eat your dinner and then you get dessert. Period. But D has me convinced that his daughter has a psychological aversion to food taste and texture and has to be treated differently than everyone else. Different rules apply. Maybe this is what's bothering me. Why does she get special treatment? I didn't grow up with special treatment. My boys don't get special treatment. I want fair!

The more I spill my guts here, the more immature I sound.

And we may have to go that route (buying books, taking a class, etc). There really is no one I can talk to. In my mother's case we were all older and practically out of the house when her step kids came along. And they were only over the house one night every OTHER weekend. D's kids are here 15 days a month (50% of the time).

@happy: you make a really good point about the black and white thinking. When D doesn't have his kids and we have the whole weekend together, it's this perfect fantasy relationship. We laugh, have sex, go out, talk, etc. etc. When his kids are home, he's in daddy-mode, which kinda means no time for me, work, work, work, busy, busy, busy. Add my kids to the mix (which are older) and the house is Times Square. I go from being Cinderella at the ball to Cinderella scrubbing floors in rags.

ANd by the way, several people have mentioned a cleaning lady. I already had one BEFORE he moved in. Maybe instead of every 2 weeks, this lady needs to come every week.

You know what’s funny. I thought to myself this morning on the way to the gym, I have overcome HUGE obstacles, I have climbed mountains and brought myself from a weak, lovesick, dependent addict to a powerful, independent, single woman who can take care of all aspects of her life. I have achieved what some women will never achieve- (living alone and being financially independent). And yet, I feel like I can’t even share a dinnertime meal with my “new” family without it causing enormous stress. I am searching for a solution. ANd I hope I find one.

LAstly, a metaphor: I remember years ago in a Native American literature class, reading about the Indians of Pennsylvania and upstate NY who lived in the deep woods. When English settlers arrived and pushed them Westward out into the open plains many died. The open sky scared them. They lost their sense of perspective. The flat, treeless land intimidated and unnerved them. They felt exposed, like they had no where to hide. They could no longer hunt, because their prey responded differently. And they lost their sense of direction because they lacked the density of the forest to determine space. You would think, according to popular culture and symbolism that coming out of the forest into the open plains would be a hugely positive, uplifting experience. But it wasn't. It was the removal of a way of life. A protection.

I sometimes feel like I’ve lost my forest and I’m in the clearing, exposed, yet I don’t know how to live without the trees. The object of the game however, it to adapt. Let’s see if I can! I’ve spent about 14 years alone or with an avoidant (which is pretty much being alone). So let's see if I can overcome this new hurdle.

Thanks!

bing bing

funny thing - Mr. Berry heard he definitely did NOT get the position we'd be hoping he'd get today. And he said, verbatum: "fantasy's over." Which is a blessing. Bc now he can move on and look for viable jobs instead of being strung along. Same for us here.

I keep reminding myself, we are handling this so soberly. You too, June. We are showing up for our emotions, not sugar coating things, but aware and ACTIVELY seeking solutions.

I think a cleaning lady is a GREAT idea. You have a lot on your plate and it's a lot to handle but if you can afford it, do it!

I can't imagine how hard it is to blend families. I am still learning to live with Mr. Berry and it's been a year. I am in SOOOOO much discomfort but not bc he's doing anything wrong or there are red flags.

This is real life. THis is neither the fantasy and obsession of love addiction nor the running away of an anorexic.
This is real, messy, difficult, grey zone intimacy

so yay!

(I'm exhausted, haha)

T:

Here is what I recommend: even though this will be difficult for you, try to remove yourself from any situation dealing with his children. They are his children, let him do as he pleases, right or wrong as long as they don't really violate the order in the house. If they are screaming or create mess or don't behave, of course, you must speak up, but if they don't get in your way, just stay out of it.

Do not let his children get in between the two of you. I have been in the situation on 3 occasions when man's children, even adult, came between us. You can't win where his children are concerned. They are always going to be right in his eyes no matter what you say. So, try the best you can to not open your mouth at all about them. Ignore them.

Hi LovelyJ,

Preface, I have no kids, and this is just some ideas for your parenting toolbox!

I don’t have kids, but I love to train animals. I have been doing it seriously for 35 years.

I train with my favorite phrase……………Reward what you want repeated. Ignore the rest.

It is astounding the impact it can have on a group/pack. When you start to watch for behaviors to reward and reward the individual, in a way you know pleases the individual, other individuals in the group start to notice and start vying for attention. When you don’t notice/negatively reinforce the behavior you don’t want, the individual that has been negatively reinforced for unwanted behavior starts looking around to see what kind of behaviors are getting noticed/positively. You can take the punishment out of the equation. There are a lot of things I am leaving out, but you get the point.

Renowned animal train Karen Pryor, wrote a great book called Don’t Shoot the Dog, but it is really about raising kids. She wrote it a while back, so there has been much refining of the methods.

If you think you can make a dolphin or a chicken do something because you say so or threaten to hit it, then this isn’t the book for you. But if you think you might learn something about learning theory and classical conditioning, then I say check it out. You can get some cool tools in your toolbox.

We trainers call it shaping! It is non judgmental and with no punishment. You start by rewarding small increments and work up to larger behaviors. Good trainers know what each individual thinks is a reward and has good timing in rewarding. Remember not all individuals think the same thing is a reward; you have to be smart and figure out what the rewards are… And there are levels of rewards... .Start with small rewards, save the big ones for the behaviors you really want to drill home, use the big rewards as jackpots, they hang on your breath, hoping that if they try to offer behaviors that they think might please you, JACKPOT. It is a lifetime of fun. Most trainers I know have good kids, they are still teenagers, but the shaping is obvious!

In my opinion that is such a kind way to get animal/human to see what is the best thing to do! And they figure it out by themselves. Want/special talking to/ walk in the park/ special love that no one else is getting at this moment/a special snack/hug?? Do what gets that kind of reward!!! They know when they do the other kind of behavior you just ignore them….. That is no fun, make what you want fun.

Again, you can take this with a grain of salt, hope I wasn’t too weird! You can tell I love this stuff.

MBG- Thanks for making me feel like I wasn't too weird posting as a non-parent!


LJ- I forgot to say what a great thing you are doing for these kids and D. That is alot. You are definitely helping us get ready for life as we heal and recover from love addiction and our personality quirks.
I hope you know that we all care about you and hope this gets easier.

WOW. All great advice. And I am so grateful to everyone of you for your thoughtful comments.

Just to clarify a few things: I don't really want to "ignore" his kids. I don't think that's a solution. Besides, I like them, especially his daughter.

Also, both his kids made an almost perfect transition here. They are both very happy, very loved, and very entertained (by my boys!). And there is NEVER any outward tension or struggle about her eating coming from anyone including me. For the most part, I keep my mouth shut. Maybe I'll say "good job" or "you can do it!" if she eats something green, or my kids will try to convince her that eating will make her strong. But other than that, my struggle with this is INTERNAL. And then later, I will "slip" and and say something to D like, "why are you giving her cookies after she only ate a bite of bread?" Anyway, the scenario is between D and I. The kids are clueless and happy.

Secondly, my approach IS what Soulseeker suggested. So, thank you for that. But, i have taken that approach with with my own kids. The trouble here, is that D has another approach that is not similar to mine. And I was under the (false) notion that we need ONE set of rules to be a blended family. In an ideal world, that would be great. But unfortunately, as Paisley mentioned, this is delusional thinking when you have two adults coming from two totally different worlds.

And to continue with Paisley's post....It nearly brought me to tears. Funny how the voice of reason can do that me. But it makes a lot of sense. I have a very MY-family-did-it-Right mentality too (so obviously everyone else's family didn't And you're right, it comes from my mother's proud insistence that we are a strong family, from strong stock and anyone else's way is secondary compared to how we did it. But it is a narrowly focused way to view the world. And I would like to expand my acceptance of others' ways, and yet, this is where my rigidity stops me.

But I LOVE the way you say that my involvement in her diet is "borrowing grief." Why do i do this? Is this a co-dependent behavior? Who knows! But why am I taking on more than I need to? I simply don't know. It comes from wanting to control everybody and everything around me.

Nvr2late: I am definitely going to buy the book. I need advice on blended families and helping to raise kids!

Havefaith: Thanks so much for that! I need to lighten up!

Happyberry: Again, you hit the nose on the head about living with someone and it being sooooooo hard. Not because of red flags (and let me be clear, the way he feeds his kids may annoy me, but it's NOT a RED FLAG THANK GOD) but because of my stunted growth when it comes to managing a real and healthy relationship. Fantasy is over and the real work begins. This is hard to accept. Because there is still a part of me that believes it SHOULD be perfect. And yet, that's very unrealistic thinking.

Mgb: Thank you! No one has to be a parent to offer advice about human relationships.

OLG: You're story helps me a lot! I have hope because I know you are really healthy and into fitness now! Thank you.

Tizzy: I like you're approach, and both of those ways worked for me with my own kids, and yet, I'm kind of with Paisley and Person in that it's not my job to discipline his kids. It's his job. Unless they are in some sort of danger or are causing some sort of trouble, then my job as a step-mom is to just be there, care for and enjoy these kids. I think it's wrong when step parents discipline. I feel as though they have no right. And this is one of the reasons I am in such a conundrum. Because I am getting way more involved than I know I should.

My 5 year old step daughter to be can be a pain w food. The dr once told mr b that ya know what? She will not starve. Nature will take care of that. It's one of the very few things she has control over and I think that is it. This is also an argument for the cause of anorexia but that is another story. AnywAy, recently she changed on a dime. Can't give this string bean enough food. Kids do that.

And yeah you do need to have a relationship w her. You can ignore a small child in your home. What a complex that would creAte. I stay out of the big decisions and arguments between parents. But I love her and feed and bathe And play w her and put her to bed etc. If anything it eases the blow of living in 2 homes which must be so painful. I learned she raved about me to the school social worker. Yay!

Tizzy, like I said before, D and I have already decided putting the same rules in place is a good idea. ANd works. That's something very different from discipline. If my kid doesn't follow the rules of the household, I can do any number of things: ground him, put him in time-out, refuse him desert etc. I can choose whatever works for me and my kids. If D's child, however, doesn't follow the same rule, he has to discipline them on his own--which he mostly does. If I notice something seems unfair (his son got 3 cookies when I said to get only 2) I will say something about it. But if say, his children continued to be a problem (like the food issue) that is D's burden, not mine.

I actually sat with her one night when D wasn't around and unlike her dad, I (nicely) didn't let her get away with some of her usual tricks (whining, falling on the floor, saying "I can't") and she ate pretty well. But I think she was so worn out with having to deal with me and MY WAY that she was cranky the rest of the night and stayed away from me. I don't want to cause that effect either. I helped D, but it's not my job to discipline his kids.

I know it's hard to understand, but I have two boys and I try to be as fair as possible, and yet, I still have to discipline them differently. One has ADD, the other is much younger, etc. etc. And I'm not sure how I would feel if D stepped in an started yelling at or discipling either one of my kids. Likewise, if I start disciplining his kids it's as if I don't think he can do the job himself.

I like the way HB put it: "I stay out of the big stuff [which is what I need to practice doing with the food thing], but I love her and feed and bathe And play w her and put her to bed etc."

We may be a blended family, but I don't believe it's a good idea to co-discipline. They already have a mother and father for that. I can certainly make rules with D and I can be a caretaker.

I understand LJ. I am confident you'll figure out what works best for your [expanded] family. :-)

Maybe instead of focusing on what D's daughter is not doing that you'd like, you can try to redirect your thoughts to what you do enjoy about her whenever you find yourself getting stressed about the food thing? I know for me, it's so easy to get caught up in the small [less significant] things and not appreciate the bigger picture sometimes.