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Post by LovelyJune on Jun 17, 2011 2:48:51 GMT -8
Having a realistic sense of who we are is a huge component of a a strong recovery. Many of us come to LAA confused about our identities. We are trying to build worth where there was none. We are trying to figure out where we fall among the larger group of individuals in our society. This is extremely hard to do and take years.
A rather sad example of a bad case of identity crisis is a very good from of mine. We'll call her O. When we were younger (in high school) she had fallen in love with one of the members of the band U2 and as is typical (and healthy) of teenagers, she fantasized about this person, bought posters, went to all his concerts and even tried to slip back stage. She used to tell everyone that she was going to start her own girl band and that the two of them would meet and get together and eventually MARRY. Sounds like a crazy, fantasy-driven story, but again, coming from a teen it's pretty typical.
Had she been serious, she would have begun to pursue a career in music. She didn't. She went to college, got a degree in Business and then ended up working as an accountant.
The trouble is. She WAS serious. She really believed that one day, without any training in music or voice, without any contacts or relationships with famous people and without any real networking on her part that despite all that, this famous person would knock on her door and ask to marry her.
Keep in mind too that she was overweight. She smoked cigarettes, pot, drank and was somewhat of a shy person. She never took risks, never pursued her dream goals (music, dance, writing a novel). And yet she was buried in fantasy.
When she got older (in her 30s) she finally let go of the fantasy of the U2 singer, but with men and dating, she continued to hold herself to completely unrealistic standards. Despite the fact that she was overweight and never exercised, she was holding out for someone buff and handsome. Despite the fact that she worked at an accounting firm, she thought she'd date an artist. She refused to date the few men who were interested in her because they didn't match her definition of handsome or successful. Meanwhile, she wasn't holding herself to the same standards.
Well, at 39, she still has not had a serious relationship. She has NEVER dated anyone for longer than a month or two, hates her job and she now has health problems, with little chance of recovery unless she gets serious about her health.
The point of this story is to illustrate identity and perspective of WHO YOU ARE. We use our identities to relate to the world, to define us and place us in a group of like people. We use our identities to form intimate bonds with individuals. But we also use our identities to avoid living.
When we construct an identity of ourselves that has little to no basis in reality of where we exist at the moment in our lives, it means that we are closing ourselves off to our world. When we construct an identity in fantasy, we are refusing to be a part of reality. How can we exist at this level when clearly we belong in another world?
Getting to know yourself entails recognizing your place in this world and loving yourself anyway.
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Post by tizzy on Jun 17, 2011 6:23:52 GMT -8
A real life 40-yr-old virgin. That takes some willpower right there. Has your friend looked into lap band surgery? I personally know of 3 people who had this done and they look fantastic. That weight drops off like nobody's bizness!
LJ, this was a great post. I myself was guilty of this for YEARS! It didn't help that I also held a torch for a very unavailable guy who was also a bit of a seductive withholder. I bypassed so many nice guys waiting for my fantasy of a perfect life with him to come true. Eventually, after many wasted years of my life I came to my senses and realized my time was too valuable to continue wasting waiting on him, because he certainly wasn't waiting on me. It was all in my head.
This post reminds me of my ex. He's 35 and feels like his real life hasn't started yet. He says his real life will begin when he is making a lot of money and not working a 9-5. He feels that then and only then will he be able to focus on starting a family and doing the things he'd like to do like travel, get married, have kids, etc. Him living in this future fantasy as I liked to call it, is part of the reason we broke up. As long as he lived in his own world, he was ignoring me, my son and all the rest of the people in his present world, his own family and friends included. We didn't matter nearly as much to him as what he was looking forward to. I don't know if he'll ever strike it rich and live out his dreams, but he was in pure misery waiting for those dreams to happen. He was depressed and anxious ALL THE TIME, although he put on an incredible front for other people.
Living in the present is so important. It allows you to experience life.
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humilianna
Junior Member
When the student is ready, the teacher will appear ~ Buddhist Proverb
Posts: 73
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Post by humilianna on Jun 17, 2011 8:36:32 GMT -8
that story is so sad. it makes me cry. how i feel for her. But it is true and this is how we are like borderlines. We look outside ourselves to find identity instead of within.
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Post by LovelyJune on Jun 17, 2011 11:23:35 GMT -8
It is a very sad story. And what makes it worse is that I can't slap a happy ending on it like, "and then she realized the error of her ways and changed and is living a beautifully fulfilling life..." She continues to live like this and in fact, it's getting worse. Now the health issues of her lifestyle are starting to keep her isolated. I have not seen her in two years because she can't travel far from her doc.
But though this is a sad story, it's meant to empower people here who want to change and take ACTION to change. O wants to change too. She tells me every week, "I'm just in a rut." And yet, she does not take action to change. When you take action, small steps lead to bigger steps and eventually you begin living your life.
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Post by sillypoppet on Jun 17, 2011 17:04:57 GMT -8
It's interesting because I heard a lecture the other day about living in the present moment (mindfulness). When I was a kid, I couldn't wait to grow up and get married. I always felt there was something horribly wrong with me, although I never understood why. I convinced myself that my knight in shining armor was going to come along and save me. Then when I got into my first relationship at 19 it was abusive. Talk about a reality dose that ended my fairy tales.
I have a friend who is absolutely gorgeous. Men are always falling over themselves to speak to her. People love her because not only is she beautiful, but she's intelligent, sweet, bubbly, and friendly. But, on the inside she is very unhappy and suffering. She is 40 years old, although no one would ever guess it (when I first met her, I thought she was 24). She was married for two years before her husband cheated on her. He abandoned her and their daughter. She's had her heart broken so many times that she doesn't trust men anymore. Even though she is beautiful inside and out (and could easily find a man), she is constantly waiting for a knight in shining armor. She doesn't care if it's deep love, or really much love at all. She doesn't care if she feels emotionally fulfilled, just as long as he will provide a good life for her and her daughter. Her daughter currently lives in a different country with her family because she can't afford to take care of her here. It's a constant source of pain for her.
She has told me so many times that she doesn't think her life was supposed to be like this. She often feels like someone "short changed" her, and really she was supposed to have "the good life." As a friend, I can see all of the wonderful blessings that she does have. She has many qualities that I admire in her because I don't have them. It's sad for me to watch such a wonderful person put herself through painful situations, always waiting on a man to save her. Unfortunately, she refuses to listen to anything I have suggested about love addiction. She sees it as "my disease" and she most certainly does not have that problem.
On the flip side, I'm sure that many people who care about us see the same thing. I still suffer from low self esteem- about my body, and about my shyness. I become so obsessive about what's wrong with me, that I often I don't stop to live in the moment. The other day one of my regular clients was in town visiting for medical reasons. He is an older gentleman and has declining health (he sits in a wheelchair for the most part). He took my hand and told me how I was such a lovely person with a beautiful smile. At first I thought he was just being silly, but he looked at me and said, "I don't give compliments when I don't mean them. You are a beautiful person." He has such a positive demeanor, even though he can barely walk.
I'm sure that we would all be amazed by the lens in which other people view us. For me, I never want to accept compliments because I have ingrained in myself that "I'm not pretty, I'm fat, I'm awkward, and I'm shy." The other day I got down on myself because I came to the conclusion that I really was ugly (hence why I had been treated so badly by people, in particular men). I know, that's crazy. My friend who I mentioned previously told me that she sees herself as "old and fat," even though she's no bigger than a size 2.
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Post by LovelyJune on Jun 18, 2011 3:35:11 GMT -8
Silly- You bring up a very good point: beauty. I used to set myself to TV and Hollywood standards, which I think MANY of us do. We allow society to define our beauty and yet, as you may notice in your own attractions to others there are discrepancies between what you're attracted to and what you're supposed to be attracted to as per the Hollywood ideal.
My point is beauty is all relative and sometimes beauty comes strictly from inner confidence. I used to get so angry that "ugly" people could think they were so pretty. What right did they have to go around thinking they were pretty? Or people with little talent believing they had talent. How dare they!
And then it dawned on me: what if I just started believing i was beautiful even if I'm not??? What a concept. And it worked. I instantly felt better.
My point: it's not about whether you are pretty or not. Your physical appearance has very little to do with your beauty. Same with your inner beauty. What counts is that you PERCEIVE yourself as beautiful. That is the only truth. And sadly most people never find that truth.
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Post by runrunrun on Jun 18, 2011 4:34:36 GMT -8
I think 'keep your standards high, but realistically high' kind of sums it up.
My ex bf is obese and not doing anything to lose weight and he refuses to date anyone who is not skinny or in really great shape. I never understood that. Even if that person is emotionally or otherwise beautiful, he still wont date them.
I have this other friend who does nothing but work. Usually 7 days a week and when he is not at work he is home either working on his house (fixer upper) or his car. Once I asked him what was the funnest thing he has ever done and after thinking about it for a long time he couldnt come up with one thing he has done that he thought was really fun. 50 years old. Never married. No long term relationships. No kids. His whole life is work. He might be happy that way. To me its sad.
But what can we do except learn lessons from seeing their sadness.
RRR
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Post by nvr2late on Jun 18, 2011 6:47:10 GMT -8
I know two men like this. They are friends. One has never been married and is now 36. The younger one is 28 and relatively recently divorced. He is massively obese and I fear for his health.
Both are smart guys, good looking, very tech-oriented, but don't really attempt to date. I know that both have been through terribly painful breakups and I wonder if allowing themselves to gain that weight is a defense mechanism, much as it is with women.
In particular the younger man seems to have checked out on life in some ways. He's struggling with employment and we all know that hugely overweight people are not going to be considered hire-able in today's economy.
It's so sad to watch them throw their lives away on video games, soda pop and fast food junk. I love them both like brothers and wish I could foresee another outcome for them.
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Post by sillypoppet on Jun 19, 2011 10:56:12 GMT -8
It's hard to learn to love yourself... even when other people are telling you that you're "unloveable." I am a little over weight, but I got to the gym. I'm a size 12, not a 2, and probably will never be a size 2. Personally, I think that it would be too skinny for me. I live in a town that is very much like Hollywood. You see a lot of people with fake breasts, fake tans, fake noses, size 0, fake blonde hair etc etc. If you don't fit into that stereotype, unfortunately there are a handful of people that WILL point it out to you. I wore a long tuxedo shirt and black tights for a Halloween party... when I walked by a group of people, one of the guys exclaimed "look at that beefy girl!" (which was me). Size 12 isn't obese by any means, and I'm 5'6, but when I hear things like that I feel bad. The ironic part was that I had 2 guys fighting for my attention that night... and they were both in good shape and attractive.
But, after experiencing that night, I did go back and look at the pictures... I needed to go to the gym. So instead of letting myself believe that I look good that way (which I didn't) I got a gym membership. I'm still a size 12, but it's a toned size 12. And I'm wearing shorts this summer... something that I would have NEVER done before. It's goes back to what Lovely June was saying before... we keep saying that we are going to do something, but we never take the necessary actions. Sometimes our aspirations are completely out of our ability range (for example, I will NEVER be an Olympic athlete- I can barely throw a baseball, lol). Now, can I learn how to throw a baseball better? Yes...
Maybe sometimes we feel like we fail because we place unrealistic expectations or goals on ourselves. I think the key is learning to create "do-able" goals... and not expecting more from other people than what we can realistically do ourselves.
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