Post by LovelyJune on Feb 10, 2011 4:43:56 GMT -8
l0velyjune.wordpress.com/2011/02/10/are-you-a-great-catch/
To appreciate this blog, you really need to see the picture I posted along with it. It's...um...hilarious.
Anyway, here's the blog:
One of the things that always confused me about the “love addict” label was that, despite the fact that I had trouble with men, I had other debilitating issues that had nothing to do with men or dating. For example, even without a guy around I was insecure and slightly paranoid that others didn’t like me. I didn’t have many friends and many of the friends I did have didn’t treat me well. I also had little faith in my ability to complete tasks and sadly, never completed many things. I was a quitter. I had no interests outside of boys (except writing), I was lazy, egocentric, pessimistic, needy, immature, prone to living in a fantasy world, oversensitive, wimpy, somewhat of a bully and I had zero work ethic (i.e. I always got bad grades in high school and took menial jobs after high school where I could call out sick all the time).
I was definitely not what you would call a great catch, that’s for sure.
So where’s the surprise when I went out into the world to look for my “second half,” only to find avoidant, neglectful, pessimistic, egocentric, immature types who didn’t have much to offer? In my mind, I was this perfect goddess who needed no changing, but who frustratingly only dated losers (thus today’s GREAT photo!)
So often, when we give support on the forums, we say things like: You deserve better than that jerk, or You’re worth more than someone who ignores you or treats you badly. And, it’s true. No one deserves to be treated badly. But, chances are you need to do some work on you first, before you begin to attract better quality people.
Trouble with love addiction is, we don’t want to work on ourselves. And if we do, we want to do it with our PoAs around to keep us company. So, basically here’s the absurdity of what we really want: we want to keep a neglectful, immature, avoidant, unloving guy around (for sex, friendship and love) while we become mature, optimistic, loving, self-sufficient, confident individuals.
We want the impossible; we want the absurd. And that doesn’t happen in real life. One of the hardest things to accept in recovery, one of the things we are most in denial about is that “like attracts like.” That we may be as ugly as our PoAs. That’s horrifying. But it’s one of the most important reason I constantly advise people to stop analyzing the PoA and turn inward. It’s so much easier to analyze the faults and idiosyncrasies of others. Worse, it keeps you perpetually trapped in your own disease of avoiding yourself.
Here’s my unsolicited advice today: Love addiction is the avoidance of the Self. And when you avoid yourself and lose yourself in fantasy over the imagined love of a PoA, you are unable to recognize that YOU are the one that needs changing; you are the one that needs work. Take a good look at you and determine what changes need to be made to make you a better person. Start doing the work of changing today! And like it or not, you probably need to do this work alone. Recovery is a direction that takes you up and out of the hole you are in currently. Ditch the PoA and start climbing. Your life depends upon it.
Take Inventory: Make a list of all your good qualities, and all your bad. Circle the qualities that you can change immediately. Pessimist? Start being aware of the language in your head, the self talk and change the negative to something positive.
To appreciate this blog, you really need to see the picture I posted along with it. It's...um...hilarious.
Anyway, here's the blog:
One of the things that always confused me about the “love addict” label was that, despite the fact that I had trouble with men, I had other debilitating issues that had nothing to do with men or dating. For example, even without a guy around I was insecure and slightly paranoid that others didn’t like me. I didn’t have many friends and many of the friends I did have didn’t treat me well. I also had little faith in my ability to complete tasks and sadly, never completed many things. I was a quitter. I had no interests outside of boys (except writing), I was lazy, egocentric, pessimistic, needy, immature, prone to living in a fantasy world, oversensitive, wimpy, somewhat of a bully and I had zero work ethic (i.e. I always got bad grades in high school and took menial jobs after high school where I could call out sick all the time).
I was definitely not what you would call a great catch, that’s for sure.
So where’s the surprise when I went out into the world to look for my “second half,” only to find avoidant, neglectful, pessimistic, egocentric, immature types who didn’t have much to offer? In my mind, I was this perfect goddess who needed no changing, but who frustratingly only dated losers (thus today’s GREAT photo!)
So often, when we give support on the forums, we say things like: You deserve better than that jerk, or You’re worth more than someone who ignores you or treats you badly. And, it’s true. No one deserves to be treated badly. But, chances are you need to do some work on you first, before you begin to attract better quality people.
Trouble with love addiction is, we don’t want to work on ourselves. And if we do, we want to do it with our PoAs around to keep us company. So, basically here’s the absurdity of what we really want: we want to keep a neglectful, immature, avoidant, unloving guy around (for sex, friendship and love) while we become mature, optimistic, loving, self-sufficient, confident individuals.
We want the impossible; we want the absurd. And that doesn’t happen in real life. One of the hardest things to accept in recovery, one of the things we are most in denial about is that “like attracts like.” That we may be as ugly as our PoAs. That’s horrifying. But it’s one of the most important reason I constantly advise people to stop analyzing the PoA and turn inward. It’s so much easier to analyze the faults and idiosyncrasies of others. Worse, it keeps you perpetually trapped in your own disease of avoiding yourself.
Here’s my unsolicited advice today: Love addiction is the avoidance of the Self. And when you avoid yourself and lose yourself in fantasy over the imagined love of a PoA, you are unable to recognize that YOU are the one that needs changing; you are the one that needs work. Take a good look at you and determine what changes need to be made to make you a better person. Start doing the work of changing today! And like it or not, you probably need to do this work alone. Recovery is a direction that takes you up and out of the hole you are in currently. Ditch the PoA and start climbing. Your life depends upon it.
Take Inventory: Make a list of all your good qualities, and all your bad. Circle the qualities that you can change immediately. Pessimist? Start being aware of the language in your head, the self talk and change the negative to something positive.
