Telmita, Great link. Painful reading but it shines more light on the darkness, I was not facing in my life. Yes, I was indeed holding on to a broken dinner plate, because I wasn’t confident, I could find a replacement. I held on to what I knew. More-so, I wasn’t even confident enough to believe I could find the right store.
Yes, my dysfunctional relationships have been keeping me from real intimacy, because I have not been emotionally grownup to handle real intimacy. (ouch!)
As I remain on Step 4 for a while, I’m beginning to see clearly how much I lack self confidence and emotional maturity. Superficially, I thought, “Sure, I have self-confidence.” I’m not bad looking, (after all, look how easy it is for me to have 1, 2, or even 3 boyfriends/lovers in my life…all at one time…ha!) Now, I see clearly that’s not confidence; it’s insecurity. Deep inside, I do not have confidence in myself.
[Confidence: freedom from doubt; belief in yourself and your abilities]
I now see where I lack emotional maturity to realize that the love from my “lovers” is not real grown up intimate love. Now, I see that “someone” is going to have to step up and be the mature adult in my life. Am I confident I can handle the job of being the adult over me and my wounded inner child?
“Someone” has to get my inner child to meetings and support groups. Am I confident I can take her?
Most of all, “Someone” needs to put my inner child’s needs first. She’s been hurt, her trust has been violated and broken, she’s been ignored while the entertainment of PoA’s, unavailable men, strangers and others needs came before hers. Am I confident I can put her needs above everyone else? Am I confident that I can make her number one over the needs and the smooth sounding voices, promises and desires of a PoA?
I’ve been torturing myself by reading then deleting texts and emails from the PoA’s (one-way NC?!), which only cause me to fantasize about their written promises and hot desires to be with me. My silence (NC) seems to make them want me…more love? Am I free from doubt, knowing now it’s not real love?
It really is time to get off the merry-go-round and leave the park. It makes me dizzy and sick.
Tonight, I’ve gone one step further into No Contact (NC), this time by blocking their emails (finally, what was I waiting for?). I will also purchase a phone with caller-id, to screen their calls. Tonight, I also took myself and my inner child to a meeting. Sitting with a group of people in recovery is a Power greater than myself.
Without confidence in myself to be able to take care of myself, my recovery will fail and so will I. Tonight, my confidence and recovery is growing as I am learning how to fix what really is broken.
Post by Healing Ku'uipo on Feb 19, 2011 18:23:35 GMT -8
Really Great Article! So clear. Wouldn't I throw away a broken plate? Yup. Have I been drinking out of broken glasses, yes. And I wonder if that's how I was raised, and broken is better than nothing.. So now I can see I have a choice,now that I know what a whole plate looks like. And Good for you Bo! Keepup the good work.
Good for you Bo...You sound like you're at a breakthrough. Keep going with it. Don't give up on yourself. Imagine you are a firefighter saving someone from a burning building. Every step you take in that rescue mission is saving a life---yours!