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Post by LovelyJune on Aug 31, 2010 17:17:09 GMT -8
There is no thread on this site (that I have found in my searches) that says love addiction is curable; meaning love addiction can be completely eradicated, erased, cured, eliminated...
Well, I believe it CAN be cured completely.
The longer I have been in recovery and the longer I am committed in a healthy relationship the more distant and vague my love addiction behavior of the past is to recognize. To me, it's like trying to remember what I was like as a child. I think we all have a pretty good idea of what we were like as a child, but do we really remember how we spoke or sounded or liked or believed. I'm sure there are moments or instances where you remember a certain feeling, or a certain memory. But how many of your childhood memories do you really remember? 300? 200? 100? As you grow older, you seem to remember less and less, and the child you were becomes a ghost.
It's the same with recovery. As we change and learn new ways of managing our lives, the old, unhealthy behavior is eclipsed by the new. And rather quickly, the old behavior is forgotten and replaced by new.
We are not children forever. We do not like certain trendy fashions forever. We may not like peanut butter forever. We may have always hated broccoli, but our tastes have changed and now we love it. My point is, change is possible. You do not have to be a love addict forever.
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Post by iselita on Sept 1, 2010 7:53:58 GMT -8
That's reasuring to know! I believe it to! I mean we are currently living with the disease. That's sounds weird but, in a nutshell it's pretty much that without getting technical.
Thanks Telmita!
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Post by Susan Peabody on Sept 1, 2010 11:24:45 GMT -8
I had 25 years of recovery and had a slip after the death of my partner. I believe that there is no cure, only remission.
Robin Norwood, in Women who Love Too Much, said that this was a disease which meant it is progressive, life-threatening and has no cure.
If it gives you hope to believe there is a cure then go for it. We live one day at a time in this program.
AA says addiction is "cunning, baffling, and powerful." To this I would add insidious.
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Post by LovelyJune on Sept 1, 2010 11:48:27 GMT -8
I know of remission very well...and always believed that there was no such thing as a cure. But now, I believe. Saying "I will NEVER be treated with disrespect again," and living a different life is changing the DNA of the disease to the point of eradicating it. I've seen this in several people already. And I see it in me.
There is hope.
Side info:
Diabetes is a disease and it can be cured.
[youtube]Diabetes is a disease and it can be cured.
!
[/youtube]
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Post by caroclean on Dec 10, 2011 17:08:37 GMT -8
MY EXPERIENCE: In my case, I believed that the addiction will never be cured, I believe that if someone gets cures from this, is because that person is not an addict. To recover myself from this Love addiction, I have to do a lot of things everyday, I have used a lot of prayers and a lot of actions, a lot of program (12 steps), a lot of mistakes, a lot of pain, a lot of principles, a lot of help from other people, a lot of reading, taking the risk to face my fears, understand that I am sick for the rest of my life but as you said, I am not sentenced to live those horrible relationships again just because I am an addict, instead with the 12 steps I can live in a really different way. Now, I can say that I prefer to be alone 10.000 times, than being again with a guy with issues in his life. Forget it. Or being attached to someone again. I feed my recovery everyday, and with my experience and for my case I believed 100% percent that this illness as the hypertension or the Diabetes will never have a cure but it has a treatment and that treatment is through the 12 steps in my life. I am sure 100% that doing this everyday, I am free of the obsession of my drug or at least this obsession is not going to control again my life.  I wish you the best for your recovery program. I am proud of all of us, to have the courage of break the cycle finally. I believed 100% that we can do it. Caro. |
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Post by sober on Dec 10, 2011 22:16:10 GMT -8
I agree w/ LovelyJune. I've experienced it in many ways myself and there are a lot of people I've known that got over their addiction for life. So there is hope you just got to believe it!  |
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Post by LovelyJune on Dec 11, 2011 5:01:35 GMT -8
This is an age-old debate and there is no single corroborative answer. But I liken it to a near-death experience. Once you've seen the light, you know there is life after death. And yet, it's really hard convincing others if they themselves have not experienced it first hand. And that's OK. But it does not mean that if I believe I have been cured, I never had an addiction to begin with. That, to me, is a judgment passed without knowing all the facts. More importantly, I know people who go through "situational" love addiction. They are not addicted to love except in the case of one relationship. They think they are love addicts and they come seeking help, but it's really only that they need help getting over a break up. I agree that that is a different story.
But I was an addict. I lived my WHOLE life this way. And I did so because I LEARNED to live this way. Love addiction is a learned behavior. You learned how to love from your parents-or, if you were like me, you learned to love co-dependently and desperately and put up with bad behavior because you knew no better. But because love addiction is learned--because ALL addictions are learned defense mechanisms that become habits-- they can be unlearned. Or rather, new behaviors can replace old ones. I went to school for writing. I was not born a writer. I became good enough to earn money for my writing. And same with love addiction. I was an addict. I learned not to be one anymore. It stuck.
That's not to say I don't work hard at it. A lot of my behavior is not yet second nature. But I am no longer "acting out" and I am no longer in a situation where I feel as though I have lost my dignity.
The flip side of this is that not everyone can be cured. This is one of the reasons that professionals call "diseases" uncurable. Instead of saying, "Well, I can cure you, but you can't be cured" they say that EVERYONE with this particular disease cannot be cured. They don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. But the reality of life is that some people CAN be cured and some can't. It's like that with everything in life! A person's ability to accept change, and his or her proclivity for learning new things might be a factor.
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Post by go12 on Dec 11, 2011 5:45:32 GMT -8
I believe also that it can get cured. My uncle's wife got cured from her addiction when she was young and she remains cured up to her old age and those so-called ministers where my uncle is pastoring were former addicts of different kinds and they have been cured too.
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Post by sober on Dec 11, 2011 9:42:40 GMT -8
This is an age-old debate and there is no single corroborative answer. But I liken it to a near-death experience. Once you've seen the light, you know there is life after death. And yet, it's really hard convincing others if they themselves have not experienced it first hand. And that's OK. But it does not mean that if I believe I have been cured, I never had an addiction to begin with. That, to me, is a judgment passed without knowing all the facts. More importantly, I know people who go through "situational" love addiction. They are not addicted to love except in the case of one relationship. They think they are love addicts and they come seeking help, but it's really only that they need help getting over a break up. I agree that that is a different story. But I was an addict. I lived my WHOLE life this way. And I did so because I LEARNED to live this way. Love addiction is a learned behavior. You learned how to love from your parents-or, if you were like me, you learned to love co-dependently and desperately and put up with bad behavior because you knew no better. But because love addiction is learned--because ALL addictions are learned defense mechanisms that become habits-- they can be unlearned. Or rather, new behaviors can replace old ones. I went to school for writing. I was not born a writer. I became good enough to earn money for my writing. And same with love addiction. I was an addict. I learned not to be one anymore. It stuck. That's not to say I don't work hard at it. A lot of my behavior is not yet second nature. But I am no longer "acting out" and I am no longer in a situation where I feel as though I have lost my dignity. The flip side of this is that not everyone can be cured. This is one of the reasons that professionals call "diseases" uncurable. Instead of saying, "Well, I can cure you, but you can't be cured" they say that EVERYONE with this particular disease cannot be cured. They don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. But the reality of life is that some people CAN be cured and some can't. It's like that with everything in life! A person's ability to accept change, and his or her proclivity for learning new things might be a factor. Very well-said. |
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Post by Healing Ku'uipo on Dec 11, 2011 11:23:47 GMT -8
I'm going to put my 2 cents in here. Great post.
I dont call my LOve addiction a disease. I dont need another heavy Label.
What happens for me is when I am stressed out and avoding something, and Ive been triggered, I go into Fantasy/Obsession. Through the recovery work Ive done, I have
cleared most of the dillusion and obsession.
A few nights ago I met a really Cool guy, a Doctor,and he held my hand.. strange, and for someone with my LOve addiction tendancies, potentially dangerous. But I didnt "go There". I didnt go into obsession lke I woud have for the last 20 years.
Am I cured?
I will always be me.... and need to be watchfull.
I think knowledge is Power. I understand myself like never before.
The people in my SLAA group say their life in Recovery keeps getting better and better...
I am going to continue to recover too!
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Post by margot on Dec 11, 2011 11:26:33 GMT -8
Healing..............your words give me courage and motivate me. Thank you.
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Post by bklynrn on Jan 2, 2012 5:07:51 GMT -8
I believe that knowing and acceptance in one self is a cure, acceptance of others and their beliefs is a cure, listening, patience and understanding people is a cure, supporting people in recovery and their path is a cure..Can we mature and learn new ways? YES!! Can we learn how to treat ourselves with respect and teach others how to treat us with respect? YES!!! Can we say NO to old patterns and embrace a new self and feel content with that ? YES!! An absolute cure of LA...mmmm?? I think we need to understand what Love addiction and cure means for the individual first..lots of variables to consider first.
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Post by lacypooh on Jan 2, 2012 7:37:47 GMT -8
I believe this is a question a person can only answer for themselves. If you BELIEVE it can be cured, then it can. If you believe it can't then it can't. To me it is just that simple. I personally believe I can overcome anything especially with the strength & help of my hp.
When I was younger I HATED the shape of my legs, they were short and stubby, I could never imagine changing the way I felt about them. Then one day, my mindset on them completely changed, I started to like them, then I grew to LOVE them, so much so that mini skirts became a staple in my wardrobe.
Bottom line, I DON'T put limits on myself , and I won't cut myself short by thinking there is no cure -------the cure is in your thoughts,and hard work ---it's tough , but it CAN be done!!
xoxox♥
Wingz
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Post by Susan Peabody on Jan 3, 2012 17:57:11 GMT -8
My opinion . . . Love addiction (according to Robin Norwood) is progressive, life-threatening and incurable. Therefore she calls it a disease. Remission is recovery. Flair up (addictive thinking) Slip (addictive behavior) Relapse (out of recovery) |
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Post by Havefaith on Jan 4, 2012 3:04:16 GMT -8
Susan - I agree. For me, it takes a renewed daily commitment and vigilance to stay away from the pitfalls of this addiction (and with any addiction, I imagine).
HaveFaith
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Post by Loving My Life on Jan 4, 2012 3:24:30 GMT -8
Im not sure if it is curable, but thank god it is in remission now, and thank god for this forum & all of the knowledge, so now I know the red flags, the chemical reactions in my brain, and I will be more aware when this does start to happen again, and I can stop it before it starts.
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Post by overcomer on Feb 25, 2012 8:39:54 GMT -8
I second what LJ And Wingz said.
I believe I got cured by my HP w/ the help of this board. We get cured in different ways.
As for me I did not have to attend any meeting or seek professional help to get cured. All it took for me is my faith in my HP and then getting the best advices and insights here and applying them.
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Post by leadbelly on Feb 25, 2012 11:02:32 GMT -8
Are you kidding me?? 100% I believe I am curable of this horrible 'behavior.' I don't want to call it a disease and it's not through denial either. A disease is part of your DNA. I'm also really careful of what I label myself - it's helpful when wanting others to understand who and where you are coming from in a nutshell i.e. I am a codependant, or I am a bulimic....but that's it for me, because part of me feels I have to live up to those titles and prisons.
Coming up and out of my birthplace offered no manual on how to 'do' life and especially with 'sick' and nasty parents - and double especially when the abuse in my home was done so quietly - like no one knew....and right there you know it's wrong if you can't tell anyone. So I never fully 'got it' in what looked normal or what behavior is normal....that's why I always wanted to be someone else....or at least copy someone else's behavior. However. I want to take back the controls of my own life. I am no victim and that's how I've been playing it. And in playing and believing my own self myth, I make bigger and bigger mistakes.
No way is this a disease. Robin Norwood is The Sh*t in terms of laying out the foundation for what the illness looks like but I bet if she did her research to pump out a new book, she would find A LOT OF LOVELY JUNES.
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Post by leadbelly on Feb 25, 2012 12:36:05 GMT -8
Yes I guess any belief works in terms of what or how we want our future to be. I am just grateful that I'm going to have one. Absolutely there are degrees and I suspect I will have to be vigilant over my behavior the rest of my days....I see it as no different from changing the way I ingest food. If I want to be healthy, strong and vibrant I will have to be vigilant in what I put in my mouth for the rest of my days too......just like love addiction - I reset to my soon-to-be-old comfortable ways in harming myself - and the same with food in resetting to my soon-to-be old pattern of binge and junkfood eating. It's just not worth it any more. And I am prepared to make a zillion mistakes - as long as I keep moving. I just don't want to be a victim anymore.
I'm sorry about your Mom and her behavior.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Feb 25, 2012 14:12:08 GMT -8
Only time will tell if any of us are cured or not. Personally, I'm thinking about why I would need to know it's either one way or the other. If it's uncurable, I'm stuck with it. If not, I may or may not recover fully. Either way, it's the life I choose to live right now that makes a difference.
And that's cool.
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Post by brainhealth on Feb 25, 2012 16:37:27 GMT -8
What a thread! This is a very interesting debate. A close inspection of the DNA of this (behaviour)/ (disease). I don't really think it matters whether Robin Norwood is right or wrong or whether Susan is right or wrong, or whether lovely june has hit the nail on the head. What matters is that those of us who have this cancer - and believe you me, I am going on 54 and I have suffered from this cancer for most of my life. It's a mental cancer that has fuc*ed up my life for a very long time. All I know is that I started to recover when I joined this message board. Only time will tell if I am going to be cured. But every day is great now. Yes, I have the odd britally day, but when I connect with my inner child , I feel great. I think LovelyJune has a good point when she said some people can be cured and some not. I think the critical factor here has to be:- If you really want to believe you can be cured, then you can be cured. Of course, your behaviours must reflect the curing process so as to reinforce your belief. SO I guess I am disciple of LovelyJune's - I do believe this can be cured. I call it a cancer, because cancer can destroy your life. It will destroy your life unless you take remedies to fight it. I am determined to recover fully from this cancer. I have no interest in remission, I have suffered so much that I reackon I have earned the right to a complete cure. Feck this love addiction - it is not going to beat me - I will beat it into the ground. I beleive fully that I will achieve this - permanently.
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Post by Loving My Life on Feb 25, 2012 17:41:28 GMT -8
i do agree with you brainhealth, we have to want to change, and be willing to go to any lengths to change, and take some action. B/c i know for myself, i have never been in so much pain and mental anguish in my life, this was a first for me, so when i found this forum and i started taking the suggestions from the people who came before me on this forum, i started to see and feel the results, and today im finally at peace after 8 months on this forum, & from 2 yrs of pure hell from my poa, so this is a blessing to my recovery, and it has adding alot in other areas of my life as well. But you have to want recovery, and it takes action, it just does not happen on willpower alone. If willpower worked none of us would need this forum. ;-)
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Feb 25, 2012 20:41:48 GMT -8
great post.....i got alot out of reading it,..and hearing the different opinions...i am still going with Susan and LJ....i am working hard....and its not going to beat me...i am going to beat it....me and my hp and everyone on here...and dont forget it...
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Post by LovelyJune on Feb 26, 2012 4:53:00 GMT -8
I want to tell a quick little story. It was, of course, my own path, but I have heard that others have had this same experience.
Right before I had hit my proverbial bottom (I actually didn't think I was at the bottom at all until I had started to come up!) I was at a point of utter frustration with myself. All my life I wanted to CHANGE. All my life I struggled to be someone "healthy and happy." But the land of the "healthy" and "normal" was forever elusive. I had heard so many times "when you want something bad enough you'll change," and "when you're sick and tired of being sick and tired you'll change" BUT I WAS SICK AND TIRED! AND I DID WANT TO CHANGE SO BADLY IT HURT. I couldn't imagine anyone wanting to change more than me. And I did everything in my power to "get it" but simply couldn't. It was like I was missing that one gene that would have made all the difference.
And then a miracle happened. I realized I would never change. That this was ME and that I had to love myself in spite of myself. I gave up. Not in a depressed, suicidal way, but in a "I need to make peace with the screwed up abnormal person I am" kinda way. And when that happened, and I FINALLY stopped trying to change who I was (and I don't mean that I went out and blindly dated bad, avoidant men and continued to do destructive things, but I made peace with the idea that I may never find "the one" and that I may always fall out of love within 6 months time, and that I would never live in the land of the "happy and normal," when I did that, stopped trying to change...I changed.
Life is a paradox. Do without doing and everything gets done. And to recognize my transformation in retrospect, is called enlightenment. And people become enlightened every day. Not because they strive to be, because it is simply their time. And yet, you can never give up trying. But you can LOVE yourself for who you are and be happy with whatever you've got right now, at this very moment. When you live your life in that way, there is no word to describe it. I use the word "cure" but you can call it what you want. Change is possible.
Lastly, just as you can learn new tricks and new ways to live, you can also unlearn them. And if you do not place yourself in the right environment you can struggle all you want to change but your environment will win out. If I am a drug addict living in a crack house, my chances of change are slim to none, until I remove myself from the crack house.
All stuff to think about!
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Post by Susan Peabody on Feb 26, 2012 12:15:10 GMT -8
I am from the old AA school. Remission is the best I can do. I am recovering not recovered. I say this because I had a slip after 25 years and started obsessing about my therapist. I am also codependent with my son.
But this is just me. I believe others, like LovelyJune can recovery
The early AA members argued about this and it was decided to use the word "recovered" in the book of Alcoholics Anonymous. But then many members relapsed after the book was written.
Whether it be remission or cure be vigilant about your recovery and always have a life style that supports your recovery---healthy boundaries, self-esteem, friends in recovery, etc. Staying on this board is a good way to always maintain your recovery.
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Post by looking4direction on Feb 26, 2012 12:42:33 GMT -8
What a wonderful antidote to "once a love addict, always a love addict"!
I believe that I will recover.
Carol
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Post by brainhealth on Feb 26, 2012 14:11:14 GMT -8
Susan,
Healthy boundaries , etc. I fully agree. Remission (a word I hate) or cure, it really doesent matter. It's the things one changes in their behaviour/life which will keep one in the recovery/cured mode. Yes I agree this message board is important. It makes me realise how far I have come. I definately do not want to turn the clock back after 170 days of No Initiated Contact. Obviously, my male ego likes to think he can beat this thing!!!
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Post by LovelyJune on Feb 27, 2012 3:19:10 GMT -8
My father was an alcoholic, and they told him he'd never recover. That he was "fighting a losing battle." And that the best he could do was head into remission. That disheartened me, because he tried so hard (he was fighting other demons too). More than anything, I didn't believe it. You could be struck by a bolt of lighting and somehow be cured completely (over time), so why couldn't you be cured from an addiction? The success rate for fully "recovered" alcoholics is only 5% (sadly low). I wonder if it has little to do with the actual program as much as it has to do with people's unwillingness to believe in a cure. It seems psychological to me, and a matter of faith and perspective. If you believe there is no afterlife or God, you will live accordingly, with the idea in mind that you are accountable to nothing and no one and will just turn to dust. And the same for addiction...if you believe there is no cure, then realistically, for you, there isn't one. Please don't get me wrong. At this point, I am not trying to argue my point, as much as I am being inspired by everyone here to share my point. I love this topic! |
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Post by bklynrn on Feb 27, 2012 7:42:16 GMT -8
Seriously, I think recovered/recovery is a VERY VERY personal experience and based on ones recovery goals, needed outcomes, personal family experiences, childhood experiences and traumas...We all had different experiences in life and various traumas at different stages in childhood ect ect and not everyone has the same resiliency... ''Recovery'' as a continuous process/ ''Recovered'' as a cure is cant be labeled in black and white terms in my honest opinion. The claims for either one need to be carefully approached and individualized. I don't think there's a black and white answer to this ,as we all had different experiences.....AWESOME topic though...gets the brain going
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Post by Havefaith on Feb 27, 2012 11:38:28 GMT -8
Agreed, bklynrn -- 'love' addiction is quite complex and very, very personal. It manifests itself in so many different ways/behaviors in people. I came to this forum as a love/romance/intrigue addict. Through intense therapy, I know WHY I'm an addict -- this is an utter relief to me. I know, now, what I was trying to 'prove' and accomplish through my addictive acting out behaviors and this revelation has basically stopped my addiction in its tracks. If nothing else, it's certainly taken the 'fun' and intrigue out of the behaviors, because I'm hyper-aware of why I'm doing them in the first place.
Does this mean I've recovered? Not necessarily -- because I also know that without daily vigilance, awareness and work, I can fall back into old and familiar (and dangerous) behaviors.
HaveFaith
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