Post by LovelyJune on Aug 11, 2010 4:08:13 GMT -8
If anyone knows me from my posts here, they know what a huge proponent I am of having VALUES and sticking to them by way of using boundaries. What I usually tell people is this: VALUES are things, concepts, ideas that you recognize as being EXTREMELY important to your well-being and sense of self. And the more you maintain them and insist upon upholding them, the better chance you have of keeping out people that do not uphold your same values.
I usually use drugs as my example. Because my father was a drug addict, I have zero tolerance for people who use drugs. I have always been that way. And yet, when it came to my PoA, I dated him DESPITE the fact that he smoked pot. I clearly had a value system, but I did not honor it or uphold it and I paid the price (I had a stuffpy relationship).
All that being said, I thought if I told everyone to find their values and uphold them they would be making huge progress in recovery. But the other day, I realized something very important: what if people don't have any concept of self? What if people don't have a sense of what is good for them and what isn't? Heck, for the longest time, I didn't realize that "no drugs" should be a standard in my life because I had no idea that it could be! For years, I thought (falsely), that people were people and you just accepted them the way they are no matter what. If you liked them, I believed (falsely) that I had to either accept the person as is, or I had to change if I wanted to be with them. I was so flimsy back then!
But wait. It IS true that people are people and you have to accept them the way they are no matter what. And it is true that people can't change and that any change that must take place must be from within. But, what I didn't realize it that, I DON'T HAVE TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE WHO STEALS OR CHEATS OR LIES OR DOES DRUGS. I didn't realise that I could set standards for myself and instead of always letting these wackos in, I could shut the door.
In order to have values and maintain them, you must have a sense of what feels right and good to you and what doesn't. You must also believe that you are important enough to have those values and have faith in yourself for your reasons of sticking to them. When everyone was telling me to "lighten up" about drugs and just enjoy life! I felt miserable. I felt like there was something wrong with me. Why can't I just lighten up about social drug use, what's wrong wrong with me? But when I decided once and for all that NOTHING was wrong with me for not wanting drugs in my life (even the smallest use of them), I finally felt as though I was honoring myself and doing something RIGHT by me.
And lastly, you must also be willing to maintain those values despite the consequences. My ex PoA didn't like that I couldn't handle drugs in my life and so he left me. That is the consequence of having values. They keep out people who do not respect what YOU respect and try to uphold.
But values have to come from somewhere and some people have none. They do not realize that they can pick and choose qualities to keep and qualities to throw away. These people have no boundaries. They let EVERYONE in. If you believe you are this person, here's an exercise in values work:
First, ask yourself what to many people would seem like a ridiculous question: "Would I date an axe murder or serial killer?" Hopefully your answer is NO WAY. With this in mind (that you would never, ever date someone like this) build your values. What else would you NEVER DO or never put up with? The longer you stay in recovery and the more you build your self esteem, the stronger your values should become.
I've posted this before but I'll do it again here. Here's a list of my values. And take a look at what I began with and what I have since added...The list has changed!
1. I will not remain in a committed relationship with someone who drinks heavily or does drugs. Absolutely no way.
2. I will not remain in a committed relationship with someone who lies.
3. I will not remain in a committed relationship with someone who cheats.
4. I will not remain in a committed relationship with someone who cannot take care of himself
5. I will not remain in a committed relationship with someone who does not treat my children or his with decency and respect
6. I will not remain in a committed relationship with someone who hurts or abuses me mentally or physically.
Good start, but then I added:
7. I will not remain in a committed relationship with someone who does not enjoy physical affection and sex.
8. I will not remain in a committed relationship with someone who doesn’t allow me my space
9. I will not remain in a committed relationship with someone who is an avoidant
10. I will not remain in a committed relationship with someone who is not mutually committed to me.
And finally I added:
11. I will never date below my standards again
12. I will always stay true to myself and my goals, despite the goals of my partner.
13. My children will always come first; my relationship to my partner second; I will never date anyone who doesn't also make his children a priority too.
14. I will also try to maintain my own financial stability whether I remarry or not. I will never marry for any reason other than love and friendship.
15. I will not remarry or move in with my partner until I am ready.
16. I am an equal part of my relationship, nothing more or less.
17. I will always be grateful for what I have and I expect gratitude in my partner.
18. I expect kindness, equality, tenderness, loving communication, and honesty from my partner, especially since I am willing to uphold all of those things myself.
19. I will no longer surround myself with negative, destructive people
20. I will no longer let just anybody "in" to my world.
Are my values too strict? Are they too many? At one time I would have looked at this list and thought that anyone with all these "rules" is nuts. But only now do I see the benefit in creating rules, standards and values for yourself. When you do this, you honor yourself and you create a person of value that finally has the ability of setting herself or himself apart from those who do not have values.
Here's the original blog on Values: l0velyjune.wordpress.com/2010/01/10/what-are-values/
I usually use drugs as my example. Because my father was a drug addict, I have zero tolerance for people who use drugs. I have always been that way. And yet, when it came to my PoA, I dated him DESPITE the fact that he smoked pot. I clearly had a value system, but I did not honor it or uphold it and I paid the price (I had a stuffpy relationship).
All that being said, I thought if I told everyone to find their values and uphold them they would be making huge progress in recovery. But the other day, I realized something very important: what if people don't have any concept of self? What if people don't have a sense of what is good for them and what isn't? Heck, for the longest time, I didn't realize that "no drugs" should be a standard in my life because I had no idea that it could be! For years, I thought (falsely), that people were people and you just accepted them the way they are no matter what. If you liked them, I believed (falsely) that I had to either accept the person as is, or I had to change if I wanted to be with them. I was so flimsy back then!
But wait. It IS true that people are people and you have to accept them the way they are no matter what. And it is true that people can't change and that any change that must take place must be from within. But, what I didn't realize it that, I DON'T HAVE TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE WHO STEALS OR CHEATS OR LIES OR DOES DRUGS. I didn't realise that I could set standards for myself and instead of always letting these wackos in, I could shut the door.
In order to have values and maintain them, you must have a sense of what feels right and good to you and what doesn't. You must also believe that you are important enough to have those values and have faith in yourself for your reasons of sticking to them. When everyone was telling me to "lighten up" about drugs and just enjoy life! I felt miserable. I felt like there was something wrong with me. Why can't I just lighten up about social drug use, what's wrong wrong with me? But when I decided once and for all that NOTHING was wrong with me for not wanting drugs in my life (even the smallest use of them), I finally felt as though I was honoring myself and doing something RIGHT by me.
And lastly, you must also be willing to maintain those values despite the consequences. My ex PoA didn't like that I couldn't handle drugs in my life and so he left me. That is the consequence of having values. They keep out people who do not respect what YOU respect and try to uphold.
But values have to come from somewhere and some people have none. They do not realize that they can pick and choose qualities to keep and qualities to throw away. These people have no boundaries. They let EVERYONE in. If you believe you are this person, here's an exercise in values work:
First, ask yourself what to many people would seem like a ridiculous question: "Would I date an axe murder or serial killer?" Hopefully your answer is NO WAY. With this in mind (that you would never, ever date someone like this) build your values. What else would you NEVER DO or never put up with? The longer you stay in recovery and the more you build your self esteem, the stronger your values should become.
I've posted this before but I'll do it again here. Here's a list of my values. And take a look at what I began with and what I have since added...The list has changed!
1. I will not remain in a committed relationship with someone who drinks heavily or does drugs. Absolutely no way.
2. I will not remain in a committed relationship with someone who lies.
3. I will not remain in a committed relationship with someone who cheats.
4. I will not remain in a committed relationship with someone who cannot take care of himself
5. I will not remain in a committed relationship with someone who does not treat my children or his with decency and respect
6. I will not remain in a committed relationship with someone who hurts or abuses me mentally or physically.
Good start, but then I added:
7. I will not remain in a committed relationship with someone who does not enjoy physical affection and sex.
8. I will not remain in a committed relationship with someone who doesn’t allow me my space
9. I will not remain in a committed relationship with someone who is an avoidant
10. I will not remain in a committed relationship with someone who is not mutually committed to me.
And finally I added:
11. I will never date below my standards again
12. I will always stay true to myself and my goals, despite the goals of my partner.
13. My children will always come first; my relationship to my partner second; I will never date anyone who doesn't also make his children a priority too.
14. I will also try to maintain my own financial stability whether I remarry or not. I will never marry for any reason other than love and friendship.
15. I will not remarry or move in with my partner until I am ready.
16. I am an equal part of my relationship, nothing more or less.
17. I will always be grateful for what I have and I expect gratitude in my partner.
18. I expect kindness, equality, tenderness, loving communication, and honesty from my partner, especially since I am willing to uphold all of those things myself.
19. I will no longer surround myself with negative, destructive people
20. I will no longer let just anybody "in" to my world.
Are my values too strict? Are they too many? At one time I would have looked at this list and thought that anyone with all these "rules" is nuts. But only now do I see the benefit in creating rules, standards and values for yourself. When you do this, you honor yourself and you create a person of value that finally has the ability of setting herself or himself apart from those who do not have values.
Here's the original blog on Values: l0velyjune.wordpress.com/2010/01/10/what-are-values/