Post by LovelyJune on Mar 4, 2010 16:36:00 GMT -8
No matter where you are along the "recovery" path you're still there and you still gotta do some work (although, admittedly, it gets easier- and different!). Thing is, we all think that once we solve our issues and stop acting out, we are instantly better and no longer need to pay attention to our behavior. We think this, and then we hop blindly into another relationship only to quickly see our error. Good relationship or bad, this is where we are made aware of our shortcomings:
A bad relationship keeps you sustained in the perpetual cycle of avoidance of yourself. It keeps you blind, distracted and detached from who you are and who you have the potential to be. It keeps all your defense mechanism in place. It stunts your growth because your entire focus is on fixing the relationship or hurting in the relationship or suffering through the relationship like a martyr. Oh the love! Oh the pain! Oh the depth of emotion! Oh the obsession! And yet none of what you are doing or feeling is channeled in a positive way to finding out who you are. None of this energy is spent progressively, with purpose. It's chaos. None of this energy goes to a good cause. It's a dead end. There is no investment in yourself.
A good relationship, whether it be with yourself or a partner, on the other hand, frees you to be yourself. You no longer feel worry or mistrust, or pain or suffering. You are no longer so focused on and obsessed with someone outside yourself because there is simply no longer a need to be. There is no wasted energy spent on fixing the relationship because nothing is broken. And when nothing is broken and nothing is wrong and life and love become fluid, THEN WHAT? Then what do you do with yourself?
A good relationship allows you, for the first time in your life, to focus on yourself and becoming a better person. It sheds light on who you are underneath all that pain and gives you the freedom to find out. Trouble is, we as love addicts have avoided LOOKING at ourselves for so long that when we are finally free to do so, it's scary!!!!! We've wasted so many years of our lives on our addiction and avoiding ourselves that by the time we hit thirty, forty, fifty, we don't recognize the person looking back at us from the mirror.
While other healthy individuals spent their lives going to school, educating themselves, flying kites, climbing mountains, becoming their best, we put all our energy into some man or some woman, and gave up on ourselves. By the time we are ready to enter the world again and really start living for ourselves and not some sick, painful relationship, we suddenly feel overwhelmed at the amount of time we've wasted. We feel frustrated with who we have become and we feel rushed to make up for lost time. Some of our defense mechanism are still in place even though they don't need to be. Some of our ways of reacting to stress aren't all that good because we're simply not used to reacting healthily yet. And stress from the outside world, (the stuff we've pretty much been avoiding all our lives), feels overwhelming at times because we have not yet learned how to handle it. A good relationship, although it allows us to finally feel at peace in the world, also exposes us to the possibility that we are stunted in our growth. That we are still young mentally and emotionally. But this is exactly what is necessary to grow and change and continue in recovery. We want to be exposed this time around and we want to feel pain this time around so that we ADAPT to it. SO that we learn to handle it. So that it forces us to grow stronger.
Too much pain and stress during recovery, even when you are in a good relationship, sometimes makes you want to bury your head in the sand. It makes you want to depend on your partner to fix or save you again. But you cannot go that route again. You have to build your character to the point of being able to handle these things on your own. And the more you take action and face your problems, the easier it becomes.
This is where I am in my recovery. I am in a good relationship now with a beautiful man. This week we are celebrating 9 months (and it's our 1 year anniversary tomorrow for being friends). And yet, at times I want to crawl up into a ball and just hide- not because of the relationship- but because of the frustration within me. For the first time in my life I am actually living, and it's not as easy as I thought! I am not used to having two jobs and dealing with tax issues, or how to take care of my life all by myself, and yet, I know that if I run away from my problems or lose myself in an addiction I will also lose my ability to learn how to deal with stress better. I've realized though, that a good relationship allows me the strength and courage to not run away, to not lose myself or bury my head in the sand. Not so much because my guy supports me (which he does), but because he doesn't add to the burden I am already carrying.
A bad relationship keeps you sustained in the perpetual cycle of avoidance of yourself. It keeps you blind, distracted and detached from who you are and who you have the potential to be. It keeps all your defense mechanism in place. It stunts your growth because your entire focus is on fixing the relationship or hurting in the relationship or suffering through the relationship like a martyr. Oh the love! Oh the pain! Oh the depth of emotion! Oh the obsession! And yet none of what you are doing or feeling is channeled in a positive way to finding out who you are. None of this energy is spent progressively, with purpose. It's chaos. None of this energy goes to a good cause. It's a dead end. There is no investment in yourself.
A good relationship, whether it be with yourself or a partner, on the other hand, frees you to be yourself. You no longer feel worry or mistrust, or pain or suffering. You are no longer so focused on and obsessed with someone outside yourself because there is simply no longer a need to be. There is no wasted energy spent on fixing the relationship because nothing is broken. And when nothing is broken and nothing is wrong and life and love become fluid, THEN WHAT? Then what do you do with yourself?
A good relationship allows you, for the first time in your life, to focus on yourself and becoming a better person. It sheds light on who you are underneath all that pain and gives you the freedom to find out. Trouble is, we as love addicts have avoided LOOKING at ourselves for so long that when we are finally free to do so, it's scary!!!!! We've wasted so many years of our lives on our addiction and avoiding ourselves that by the time we hit thirty, forty, fifty, we don't recognize the person looking back at us from the mirror.
While other healthy individuals spent their lives going to school, educating themselves, flying kites, climbing mountains, becoming their best, we put all our energy into some man or some woman, and gave up on ourselves. By the time we are ready to enter the world again and really start living for ourselves and not some sick, painful relationship, we suddenly feel overwhelmed at the amount of time we've wasted. We feel frustrated with who we have become and we feel rushed to make up for lost time. Some of our defense mechanism are still in place even though they don't need to be. Some of our ways of reacting to stress aren't all that good because we're simply not used to reacting healthily yet. And stress from the outside world, (the stuff we've pretty much been avoiding all our lives), feels overwhelming at times because we have not yet learned how to handle it. A good relationship, although it allows us to finally feel at peace in the world, also exposes us to the possibility that we are stunted in our growth. That we are still young mentally and emotionally. But this is exactly what is necessary to grow and change and continue in recovery. We want to be exposed this time around and we want to feel pain this time around so that we ADAPT to it. SO that we learn to handle it. So that it forces us to grow stronger.
Too much pain and stress during recovery, even when you are in a good relationship, sometimes makes you want to bury your head in the sand. It makes you want to depend on your partner to fix or save you again. But you cannot go that route again. You have to build your character to the point of being able to handle these things on your own. And the more you take action and face your problems, the easier it becomes.
This is where I am in my recovery. I am in a good relationship now with a beautiful man. This week we are celebrating 9 months (and it's our 1 year anniversary tomorrow for being friends). And yet, at times I want to crawl up into a ball and just hide- not because of the relationship- but because of the frustration within me. For the first time in my life I am actually living, and it's not as easy as I thought! I am not used to having two jobs and dealing with tax issues, or how to take care of my life all by myself, and yet, I know that if I run away from my problems or lose myself in an addiction I will also lose my ability to learn how to deal with stress better. I've realized though, that a good relationship allows me the strength and courage to not run away, to not lose myself or bury my head in the sand. Not so much because my guy supports me (which he does), but because he doesn't add to the burden I am already carrying.