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Post by LovelyJune on Nov 8, 2008 8:02:29 GMT -8
So I come here almost daily and I read a gazillion post and I post my own stuff and I just realized how MANY post are directed at blaming the other person for his or her faults. He was a narcissist. She had "issues." Etc. I do this too! And it annoys the heck out of me. This is a recovery site for ME and YOU...it's not a place to analyze the PoA. I've said that a hundred times. And now it's time to make good on it... When S and I broke up, almost a month ago to the day, he said, T, you did nothing wrong. It's all my fault. You were prefect...And boy did that feel good. Finally! I was off the hook. My hands were clean. But of course, that's not true. If i was perfect, we'd still be together. Right? So I took a long look at where I might have gone wrong and I came to these conclusions: - I fell in love too fast
- I pressured him in matter of marriage and living together too soon
- I had very high expectations of someone who you simply cannot have high expectations of
- I did not accept him for who he was-- well, i did. but i accepted the man he tried to be, not the one he is inherently...
So i looked at this list and i thought...if i had not done these things would we still be together? And the conclusion is: no. we would not have made it. It's not that i did the WRONG THING, it's that we were WRONG for each other. PLain and simple. It helped to write out this list. Everyone should because it awakens a truth. I am fortunate enough to say that i never deliberately hurt him (nor him me). Others may not be so lucky. But you will be AWARE of your own part you played. Here we are writing about the "Loser" and the "Narcissist" and yet, WATER SEEKS ITS OWN LEVEL. We are very similar to our PoAs. Maybe we are the loser or the narcissist. Maybe we are the crazy one. I know that HURTS like heck to hear, but this is what Self-Discovery is all about. I am NOT saying that anyone here is a bad person and did NOT endure pain and suffering from their PoA. I am saying look inside YOURSELF for answers...not them. |
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Post by Rilly on Nov 8, 2008 10:47:41 GMT -8
Yes it is true that we have to take responsibility for our actions. In every relationship I have had with a POA I was responsible for some action or compulsion that fed the relationship.
It is amazing that every time I broke things off with a POA, that if the POA shared the experience with her new boyfriend or husband that I was always characterized as the person who caused it all. I was the supposedly the stalker, the instigator, and my POA was a mere victim, an innocent child preyed upon by toxic Rilly....lol. I had a POA that was a severe love addict with a long history of destroying marriages, and she stalked me in the beginning, and EVEN SHE had the nerve to blame it all on me and call me the stalker. Unbelievable! Of course, she was also a liar.
I know now that there are things that I can do to avoid being caught in another love addiction. It is in my control. And the more I learn on this site the more equipped I am to prevent another slip.
Rilly
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Post by Judy on Nov 8, 2008 11:58:33 GMT -8
Hi T - I absolutely get it, and have thought the same thing many times: Water seeks it's own level.
I can get as angry as I want at a POA. But if I'm doing the dance, I'm doing the dance.
And when I look at most (not all) of the times I was hurt by my last POA, I had brought it upon myself by the actions I took - EVEN IF THEY MADE ME LOOK LIKE THE GOOD ONE.
After all I was in love with him - what was wrong with that? A lot, if the person you're in love with does not love you back and you keep on trying to make him.
Having said that - I could not accept these truths when I was in the thick of the addiction, or the initial withdrawal. I was in too much pain to see clearly.
So for anyone who is in withdrawal - it's natural to thrash around in the blame game - and maybe you even have to for a bit - but eventually you will see that recovery brings less finger pointing and more clarity.
And you know what? You will care less and less, until you don't care AT ALL, about all the crummy things your POA did.
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Post by LovelyJune on Nov 8, 2008 15:42:57 GMT -8
Req- You bring up a good point. Some of us are Self-Blamers. That's not good either. There needs to be a balance!!!!!
But the overall point of this post is that you probably won't learn as much from your PoA as you will from YouRSELF.
t
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Post by estrela5 on Nov 8, 2008 20:15:48 GMT -8
I agree totally with jude! we need to find a balance.
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Post by estrela5 on Nov 8, 2008 20:21:43 GMT -8
I also think that we all need to be clear that in a relationship is 50/50. and there are many ways to do something. what makes me blame my poa was that through all the directions he could choose , he would always chose the ones that humiliate the partner.and for me even if i was accepting his actions or like we say, enjoying the dance, i still have some imits that i wold never cross.like my family values or maybe human being values. and when i interact with someone that has none , it just makes easier to blame the other one. this i learned in recovery.
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Post by mysunshine on Nov 9, 2008 0:16:39 GMT -8
T, great post. This is something I've been thinking about lately. The idea that I may have some intimacy issues myself had crossed my mind before but it is easier to focus on someone else and try to change them:). Not to say that my POA's haven't done lousy things or been unavailable but I have stayed with them and engaged in my own craziness. It's been hard for me to admit, and see, where I've played a role because I am the one who is trying to get someone to stay. Yet, I have to now say it's not a coincidence that everyone, even the one I was married to for 10 years, was ambivalent. I'm trying to look at my own stuff and how to change myself but it's really really difficult.
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Post by LovelyJune on Nov 9, 2008 4:39:34 GMT -8
Here's a VERY important idea. Think about this:
Say your PoA does ROTTEN things to you. You would never slap another person, but he slapped you. So easy to see who to blame. Or like estrela said, her PoA would "choose to humiliate" his partner. Also horrible, yucky behavior coming from him. You would NEVER humiliate anyone. Would you? And YET (and here's the important part), everything horrible and rotten he has done to you, you have ALLOWED IT in your life, and thus, you are guilty of the same behavior- only you behave this way to yourself.
If you are a good, loving person, you NEED to be good and loving to yourself. If you would NEVER humiliate someone, then do NOT allow anyone to humiliate you. By allowing people to treat you badly, you are ultimately treating yourself badly. This is what i mean by, LOOK INSIDE for the ANSWER.
mysunshine: it is very difficult to accept that we are at fault. that WE create our own reality. But it's part of growing up. Part of accepting ourselves as human with faults.
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