|
|
Post by LovelyJune on Feb 14, 2008 12:28:49 GMT -8
I am desperately trying to make this work, but i am so confused: I broke up with my bf of 3 years, thinking, "Ok, this is the first step in recovery" But i am holding on to him as a "friend" still. Heck, he's my BEST friend. We do everything together except have physical intimacy (he withholds). At any rate, I talked to him today and I was telling him about all that I've learned from LAA & about how our pattern keeps repeating and we keep cycling. His response was "don't cycle too far away from me." i cried and instead of saying, "we are only friends now," I said, "if only you were willing to go to therapy with me and work this out we'd be able to keep our relationship. I regretted saying that. And I guess it's what you'd call a slip. And yet, it's all a part of recovery, no? Any comments? Should I keep him as my friend or...lose him forever?  T |
|
|
|
Post by amiramaile on Feb 14, 2008 12:34:46 GMT -8
In my experience, keeping someone as a friend only feeds the addiction and pulls you back from being able to get over someone. I faced the same dilemma, after we broke up, he wanted to be friends. It was too painful for me. Momentarily it made me feel good, because instead of no contact, I couls still see him. But it was not helping me get over him at all. In most cases being friends may not work, especially if you are still emotionally involved.
|
|
|
|
Post by rosemay on Feb 14, 2008 15:10:04 GMT -8
For me, recovery looks like rebuilding other parts of my life that I neglected in my fixation on a man, like my friendships, my relations with my children and other family members, my relationship with my community, etc.
Recovery looks like finding a fulfilling job or vocation, doing volunteer work to get you out in the social sphere in a healthy way.
Recovery looks like not being able to tolerate situations that you used to, not tolerating unsatisfying friendships or love relationships.
Recovery looks like not being willing to suffer for HIM anymore.
|
|
|
|
Post by Rainbows Always on Feb 14, 2008 16:23:09 GMT -8
My suggestion, is that you need to work on YOUR recovery!! This doesnt mean trying to drag him to couples therapy with you.
Questions;
Why did you break up with him???
So why are you still best friends?
If you are best friends only, why do you want for him to go to councilling together?? I dont think this is what best friends do??
Perhaps you could give us more of your story. ie... Are you holding on to each other as friends because it didnt work as partners, but are too scared to break up??/
you need to answer these things for yourself first.
Rainbows always
|
|
|
|
Post by LovelyJune on Feb 14, 2008 17:03:46 GMT -8
Thanks for all your questions Rainbows Always. It's helping me to form answers. I have posted my intro here: laarecovery.proboards99.com/index.cgi?board=loveintro&action=display&thread=404That should explain why I still think maintaining a friendship with him is possible. He's not a bad person. He truly loves me, but just cannot be intimate. This is killing me, so I keep getting angry and leaving. He lets me go. And then I come back after a few months. Sometimes he comes back to me. We cycle like this. We genuinely care about each other but each of us has our drawbacks. He said that he sees me start to withdrawal emotionally so then he does. But i think it's reversed. As for the therapy, I think you're right. I made a mistake. I don't want to work this out with him--right now at least. i want to be on my own (and i don't). He does NOT want to break up. He wants to maintain exclusivity-- I'm the one that wants to leave (because we're not having any sex ). I thought that if we were just friends, he would be OK with that because i would let him off the hook (i.e. i wouldn't expect intimacy anymore). But he says we are very intimate anyway (mentally, which is true) but it's just not enough for me. We are together and we get along so well...but can you imagine being so in love with someone who won't kiss you passionately or make love to you?  That's what i am dealing with. T |
|
|
|
Post by Sexlessw on Feb 21, 2008 14:17:05 GMT -8
Telmita:
Yes, as a matter of fact I am with somebody who won't kiss me or make love to me. He's my husband & we've been married for 14 years. He's also my best friend.
Do I know what you're dealing with? Yes I do.
|
|
|
|
Post by Sexlessw on Feb 21, 2008 14:19:07 GMT -8
My feeling, one has recovered once one has reached "indifference" to the person.
By "indifference" I mean not feeling a darned thing if you see them or if you hear about them. Not feeling the rush of recognition and curiosity about them like you would have when you were with them - or withdrawing from them.
Indifference takes years - and I do mean years - for some folks.
|
|
|
|
Post by amiramaile on Feb 21, 2008 18:03:09 GMT -8
You have really articulated that very well, sexlessw. I think that is what I would call being totally over a guy. I've reached that point before with a previous relationship, and believe me, it is so liberating to finally get to indifference.It sets you free.
|
|
|
|
Post by rosemay on Feb 22, 2008 3:29:23 GMT -8
In the 12 step program, we call indifference "detachment".
|
|
|
|
Post by Sexlessw on Feb 25, 2008 9:52:09 GMT -8
Is that what it is? Thank you - I knew that it had a name - "indifference" was the only word I could come up with.
|
|
That's what i am dealing with.