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Post by LovelyJune on Sept 20, 2011 1:51:34 GMT -8
This is the hardest thing to understand but a healthy relationship should not be based on LOVE alone. That's when we tend to get ourselves into trouble. We think love will save the day, and love conquers all. IT DOES NOT. You have to like a person, you have to trust a person, feel stable with them, feel unintimidated. They have to be nice, kind, respectful, loving, they have to SHARE YOUR SAME VALUES...and you have to be all those things too! If there was a healthy relationship pie (ooh! I think I'm going to invent one), love would be only one slice, not the whole darn pie. So, in dating, push the idea of love aside, and see if you've got all the other things to build on. In my case, LOVE was not what attracted or sustained D and I in the beginning. But many months later, it was the byproduct of our mutual respect, friendship, trust and kindness. While I was acting out as a love addict I mistook intense emotions for love. The two are HUGELY different. Love is the result of many good things shared between two people. Intense emotion for someone, however, is immediate, it's somewhat chaotic and mostly irrational. Know the difference between the two. SIDE NOTE: I actually did build a pie chart. It can be viewed and commented on here: thelovelyaddict.com/2011/09/20/the-healthy-relationship-pie-chart/ |
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Post by caroclean on Sept 20, 2011 5:16:11 GMT -8
When I read it, I was asking me: is it possible? I have been educated that if you don't like the guy, if you don't feel attraction to him since the first time, that person is not the right one for me, because I don't like him. So if I stayed with him it will be like: OH ... I am with him because there wasn't any other guy who wants to be with me and I need to be with someone even if this guy doesn't call my attention. So it is strange to hear it. But anyways thank you. I supposed there may be some believes I have that I need to start to change. Thanks  |
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Sept 20, 2011 5:30:47 GMT -8
I thank what/whoever is running the show that I got together with a man I wasn't really attracted to have my children with, because he turned out to be the healthiest of all my partners and a great father. Reliable, committed, loving. Still effed up in his own way, who isn't, but way healthier than me. I loved him for a while and then emotionally withdrew as he pressured me for more in the relationship. I was def. mainly the avoidant in that relationship. We took turns a bit too. Now we are good friends and have co-parented well together. My best achievements in my life, my kids. All thanks to not hooking up with a man I was attracted to.
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Post by happyberry on Sept 20, 2011 6:00:34 GMT -8
love is a thoughtful decision and an action behavior, not this overwhelming feeling.
I laugh when I think about how I said didn't "love" my ex husband anymore. Of course I did. I just didn't have the crazy overwhelming, distracting emotions anymore. Which is a good thing, you can't live that way!
Alas, I was an addict, seeking the high!
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Post by nvr2late on Sept 20, 2011 7:09:55 GMT -8
This sort of makes me angry  (but maybe in a good way)It appears to me, based on the replies, that this is not only an American phenomenon but a world-wide one. Women are TAUGHT this from the cradle! We are trained and groomed and convinced by media, by family and our cultures that romantic love is the ideal - the standard - and that without it life is not worth living. And how many of us, furthermore, had CONDITIONAL love modeled to us as children? i.e. if you are physically beautiful, you are loveable. If you are sweet, obedient, smart and kind, you are loveable. If you are a darling, feminine girly-girl, you are loveable. On and on it goes. So we bend ourselves into these false, socially acceptable pretzel shapes as we grow into young women, we "Follow The Rules" as we understand them to be (based on Hollywood and romance novels and perhaps what we experienced in our families too), and then when life blows up in our faces, we are    LJ, I couldn't agree with you more. Emotional intensity and Storybook Romance (The Handsome Prince or the Knight in Shining Armor or whatever) is what we have been taught to desire since we were little girls. Thank you very much Mr. Disney! Why do we not hear or learn at a young and impressionable age that true and lasting, healthy love is a whole pie sectioned up into respect, shared values, necessary pain, compromise, honor, unselfishness, trust, and commitment in addition to the romantic love which is fleeting and comes, at best, in cycles when we are getting all the other pieces in their proper place? Why are we not taught that true and lasting love MIGHT come wrapped in a package that doesn't make your heart stop the moment you look into his eyes? (limerence) Please pardon the rant. This one got my inner child into a hissy fit, LOL!! |
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Post by LovelyJune on Sept 20, 2011 7:10:07 GMT -8
caroclean,
Being attracted to someone, having chemistry with them or having intense feeling are all great! You may indeed want to feel those things when you first meet someone. But NONE of those things are LOVE. They are emotions that oftentimes don't hold up through the years (sometimes they do). Big difference!
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Post by Susan Peabody on Sept 20, 2011 11:33:37 GMT -8
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Post by LovelyJune on Sept 20, 2011 15:49:32 GMT -8
What else might go on this pie chart? And see how LOVE is not the entire pie? A healthy relationship is made up of so much more. Kindness Love Respect Trust Friendship SHared Values Compatibility.  |
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Post by Healing Ku'uipo on Sept 20, 2011 17:35:19 GMT -8
So True..
I have never been in Love only intensity.
I heard once that there are 3 things you need if the relationship will work:
Chemistry
Same values
Want the same thing at the same time
It looks like there is more to add to the list...
I think I am at the point I can try to see if I can keep level headed and not let intesity take control. I feel scared though. A man friend and I had a spark happen.
Must keep this pie chart handy.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Sept 20, 2011 18:04:40 GMT -8
We have a whole forum for this . . . including Susan's "Ingredients of a Healthy Relationship." (See below) The ingredients of a healthy relationship are as follows: 1. Honesty that engenders trust. 2. Readiness for a relationship (both partners). 3. The willingness to negotiate or compromise. 4. Self-awareness—this means both partners knowing who they are and what they want. 5. Self-esteem—this means both partners feeling good about themselves. 6. Communication skills. This means: - Asking for what you want, but not being addicted to getting it. - Fighting fair. (This means expressing your opinion without attacking the other person.) - Reporting your feelings. - Saying what you mean (not beating around the bush). - Listening, as well as talking. 7. Sexual compatibility. This means similar values and preferences. 8. There should be a recognition of the fact that there are 4 people in the relationship—2 adults and 2 children (1 inner child per adult). This means: - That childhood wounds will probably be triggered and sensitivity strategies must be created. - That rituals from your family of origin must be re-negotiated and new rituals created as a couple. - And, finally, that the wounded inner child must be kept in check. (In other words, love your inner child, but don't give him or her the keys to the car.) 9. Similar (but not necessarily identical) values about such issues as money, religion, monogamy, and parenting. This avoids needless conflict. Still, you don't have to agree about everything—just what's important to you. 10. Patience and tolerance, but you should never tolerate abuse. 11. It is important to accept the fact that there will be days when the relationship seems very ordinary or even boring. Many people tend to have an “all or nothing” mentality. They either want a relationship to be exciting all the time, or they live with unbearable pain rather than move on. Healthy relationships are sometimes lukewarm. 12. The willingness to substitute “influencing” for “controlling.” This means: - Saying something once and then letting it go. - It also means being a role-model instead of nagging someone to change. 13. The willingness to keep your personality boundaries (even when you feel like losing yourself in the other person). This is how we maintain our self-esteem. 14. Devotion. How can an intimate relationship feel good if we aren't special to each other. 15. Quality time together. At the same time, you want to set aside time for personal interests. Look for balance. 16. Knowing when to stay and when to leave. This means staying when things are going well (and you feel like running), and being willing to let go of the relationship if it is unhealthy. 17. It is also important to have compatibility and “ease” in a relationship. At the same time it must be understood that no relationship is perfect. (Compatibility comes from being alike or from having a high tolerance for your partner's differences.) 18. The willingness to face your problems (without over-reacting). 19. Respect and admiration, but there should also be an understanding that your partner will not always look good to you. 20. Reciprocity (give and take), but you should also be willing to make sacrifices now and then. 21. Realistic expectations about how much of your happiness should come from the relationship—not too much and not too little. From Addiction to Love by Susan Peabody laarecovery.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=recoveryrelaltionships |
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Post by smbeets on Sept 20, 2011 18:44:00 GMT -8
love that pie!!
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Post by caroclean on Sept 20, 2011 19:37:27 GMT -8
OMG a lot of new information ... really interesting but it is still surprising.
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Post by Bo on Sept 21, 2011 13:33:42 GMT -8
Thanks for this reminder LJ, This is a great post, although I am not ready for a relationship (yet), it's nice to know that the guideline are here.
The complete recipe is in the LAA Basic Text on Page 143: Addiction to Love ~ Overcoming Obsession and Dependency in Relationships.
There's also a Worksheet #3 "Am I ready for a Healthy Relationship", page 162
and,
Worksheet #4 "Do I Have a Healthy Relationship?", page 165
mmmm....good stuff!
Wheather the relationship is a cake or a pie, I believe "Love" is the pan!
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Post by margot on Sept 21, 2011 19:10:41 GMT -8
Lovely June............OK, so intense emotion is not love. What is this intense emotion then? What emotion is it? And what do you do with it? I felt it so strongly the other day that I wanted to run away..........I was afraid. It was almost like getting very high very suddenly. What the heck is it and do you do with it. It was caused by kissing. Yet other kisses did not give that reaction. I'm having a lot of trouble here.......sorry I'm not helpful. I am very selfish right now cuz I'm a mess and need help. Sorry.
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Post by LovelyJune on Sept 22, 2011 3:52:12 GMT -8
Margot, no need to apologize! You're here to learn. I think that "intense emotion" is the biological response of our inherent nature to reproduce. It's an animal-like instinct we all have. In plainer terms, it could be anything from chemistry you feel for someone or plain 'ol chemicals within you, kicking in, telling you you're attracted to someone or that you like a certain act.
The trouble is, while that feeling is the basis of attachment, it in no way, shape or form determines if someone is healthy for you! That takes time, patience and logic. What happens with Love Addicts (and even with healthy people too) is that we confuse that "feeling" for "love." It's not. It could be the basis for it. But at the moment, it isn't. It is simply an intense emotion like any other--fear, hate, anger, surprise, shock, sadness, happiness. Sadly, the English language doesn't give it a name (maybe limerance?). Well, it does give it a name, but ti gives it the wrong one.
Because love addicts are so fantasy-based, ruled by their emotions and in need of that romantic/sexual connection, we take that emotion and depend on it as a sign of something greater than what it actually is. Does that make sense?
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(but maybe in a good way)
