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Post by whispersoft on Jul 17, 2008 20:06:52 GMT -8
I got the call from this guy the day after he says to me..."I need you in my life". We then had amazing kinky sex and I went home the next day. He calls me later in the day after getting an email from me telling him how hot the sex was and calling him a term of endearment or two.
He calls me and tells me he thought we were casual and that he was worried that I called him Baby in the email. He also tells me that he is seeing someone and that we should take a break. I go to pick up a few things at his house that belong to me and he rushes back into the house telling me he has company. Prior to that he calls my cell phone and I hear what sounds like a recorded voice of a woman saying something indistinguishable. Before I leave his house I say to him "no hard feelings". He says he has none either. We wish each other luck. I drive away feeling numb, relieved, sad, a little panicked, a bit lost, but as though a big weight has been lifted from me. I have a sort of knowing that this is a good thing...that we are "breaking up"...again. Three years. I have been having scenes like this with this guy over and over for three years. With each break up I vow never to see him again. Then he calls me and I drop everything and drive for 50 minutes to be with him. He routinely withholds sex. He is domineering, yells at me, criticizes what I do, minimizes my feelings, and expects me to work with him in his business incessently. I do it. I do it all..and then some. Whatever he needs I am there. He complains if I do not eat the food he cooks so I eat it and I gain weight. The weight gain makes me feel bad about myself. When I am not with him...when we are "taking a break" the weight comes off. But the moment we are together again...the weight reappears. He is the first to admit that he is a "nasty (mean) person". I take his insults and rant my complaints to him about his inappropriateness. There is so much about him that is an embarassement. But I also see him as a strong, dominant, rebel unique to anyone else in the world. He has talent and intellect...and he is so d**ned handsome. The kind of guy that turns the ladies heads with his wavy black hair, dark tan, and perfect features. Confidence oozes from him and I fall under his spell so easily. But why...when our union is clearly not a happy one. It is like being on a roller coaster...awaiting that unexpected drop. Only it is not so much a thrill as a source of pain. The constant anxiety waiting for that other shoe to drop preplexes me as well.
Even so...with all of this...I have this incredible fear that I will succumb to him when he calls. I don't want to. I want this hell to end. I want this obsession to be dissolved. What is different this time is that I have erased his telephone number from my cell phone. I have blocked his mail and instantant messaging capability to my e-mail address. I have removed his picture from my screen saver. I won't call him. But if he calls me....can I resist? I want this hell to end. It has to. Having my life back...that would be incredible. I'm giving it a shot. But it is scary. And I have this question constantly in the back of my head... What if he calls and I run to him? I feel so out of control.
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Post by suzyq on Jul 17, 2008 21:47:58 GMT -8
whispersoft...
this sounds a lot like my story. My POA was stunningly good-looking and we had such great chemistry and even though that's all superficial, well I was under his spell as well. Finally, finally the pain was too huge and I realized that it was getting worse and worse and I had worse to look forward too. I am done with him. He called today (after 2 week of NC) and I started feeling that need to please him but I noticed it, stopped it and told him "I am moving on". Yes, it's scary to be alone but it's scarier to be with someone who makes you feel like sh%* - the pleasure is NOT worth the pain. Do some research on Narcissists. It really helped open my eyes to what I was dealing with. Hang in there, girl, you can do it. And don't be too hard on yourself. We are all love addicts here and all can relate. Keeping checking in here, as well. I do usually several times a day and it gives me strength and hope, even if I don't post.
Also try this affirmation: Look in the mirror every morning and tell yourself "I am beautiful, inside and out, and I deserve to be happy". Pretty soon you'll start believing it and knowing you deserve so much better than what this guy has to offer.
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Post by whispersoft on Jul 18, 2008 3:05:34 GMT -8
Thank you SuzyQ for your encouragement.
I have such fear of my lack of control with this guy. I constantly find myself including him in my thoughts and plans...then remember that he is not a part of it anymore. As the panic of that reality begins to set in I supress it and focus on my life without him as a factor. This is a guy that only on rare occcasion carried a heavy bag for me, allowed the screen door to slam in my face, would ask me to run to the store for him alone late at night...even if I'd just cleaned his house for hours as he lay on his couch or otherwise relaxed. He would accuse me of being a liar and cheating on him and of not really caring about him. He would tell me I was just using him...that I had an agenda. I would try harder to please him. No matter what I said or what I did...it was not enough. That constant feeling of defeat. Craving his approval. Wanting to feel a tenderness with him that was never to be. There were good periods during which he spoke to me gently, would help to carry a heavy item, held the door open, carressed my arm, hugged me, kissed my cheek or my hand. We would go to bed early and get up at 3:00 a.m. to drive to the shore to see the sunrise. He shared his pain with me. He shared his joy with me. He held my heart in his hands. But he would suddenly become this person I did not recognize. A person I feared. A person that was hurtful and would use knowledge of the most fragile aspects of my life to ridicule me or make me feel worthless...useless as a person. My internal fight to reconcile the "good stuff" and the pain is difficult at best. I at once think that he is this sweet guy that just has a few issues and that he is not really so bad... and that I must be out of my mind to have ever tolerated his abusive behavior. It feels kinda like a tug of war. I want to stay strong. I know I have to move beyond him. It is difficult.
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Post by LovelyJune on Jul 18, 2008 5:51:59 GMT -8
whisper,
Two things tell me you are ready for change. You posted under "Self Esteem" and your subject heading was "An Awakening." How's that for insight on your part.
Here's the bad news: you're not ready to let him go.
Now here's the good news: YES YOU ARE.
Those are the choices before you. And when you are sick and tired of being sick and tired you will move yourself toward a place of peace and acceptance within yourself and choose the RIGHT road.
I cannot tell you how eerily familiar your story sounds to mine. I am 5 months "sober" from my PoA...someone i allowed to control me and have a hold over me for 3 years. Throw in the possibility that your guy barely had sex with you and we are living parallel lives. But here's my point. The ONLY thing that helped me to get to the point where I am now and give him up was this thought: staying with him has become so painful that leaving him for the unknown doesn't seem so bad. I would rather be alone, than be treated in this way. That was my first catalyst.
The second was that i FINALLY realized i didn't deserve to be treated like that. I used to go around and claim to be a "smart" woman. But i felt like a hypocrite. How can i be so SMART if i allow this man to treat me like this? Who am I kidding. Well...i was sick of being a hypocrite.
I started to re-read self-help books. I tossed them off years ago thinking how silly they were. But then i came across a ridiculous book a couple years ago by one of the writer's of Sex in the City "He's Just Not that Into You." Truth be told I am a literary snob. I didn't want to read this book for the sheer fact that it was pop culture and the cover was pink. I also didn't want to read it because it was RIGHT and it made sense and i didn't want to go there.
But i am 40 and realized i am too old to deny myself a valid truth and a decent life. It said what i secretly knew to be true: he's just not that into you if he doesn't call you every day....if he doesn't want to have sex with you...if he blah blah blah...
I fought it. I made every excuse in the book. Well...he's just not having sex with me because he has a low libido, but he still loves me!
What i learned more than anything whisper, was this: it DOESN'T MATTER WHAT EXCUSES THEY HAVE or WHY THEY DO THE THINGS THEY DO. WE can analyze and make excuses for them until we are blue in the face. WHAT MATTERS IS WHAT WE WANT in our lives.
Ok, so he doesn't call everyday becasue he's got to work. What does that matter? I DESERVE a man that calls me every day. I deserve a man that wants to have sex with me. I deserve to be treated well. To have doors held open for me....etc. It's not going to happen all the time. And I am not going to get EVERYTHING i want. And i am going to have to deal with that. But i will NOT be treated poorly anymore.
Start to DEFINE your wants and needs (not what he has or what you are willing to put up with). Identify your values...what is most important to you. See yourself as having WORTH. There are men out there Whisper who will hold a door open for you and carry a bag...and not play mental games with you. That will work towards becoming closer to you, rather than farther away. This man you are with now...he's is doing nothing wrong. He is doing what he has always done and what you allow him to do. Remove yourself and see value in not contacting him. Don't see it as a pain imposed upon you. Tell yourself every day you do not contact him: by not contacting this man, i am loving myself. i am treating myself with respect and care. The more you tell yourself this, the more you begin to believe it.
When we believe we have WORTH that surpasses and outclasses the way we are presently being treated, we tend to attract better, kinder, smarter people. When we love ourselves to that extent, it pays off.
T
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Post by Judy on Jul 18, 2008 10:24:09 GMT -8
Hi whisper - I gasped when I read your post. So familiar! With more than one POA for me. But this last one especially. I thought (think) he is the handsomest thing on two feet. I LOVE his looks. He is a real ladies man - but a man's man, too. Everyone LOVES him. And funny? Oh, God, did I love to laugh with him. But as I've said in other posts, my relationship became addictive. And I believe he is an addict, and was VERY mean both personally and professionally. I suffered awfully.
I do not harbor anger or resentment any longer because I know that the two of us couldn't act any differently than we did. I love him and hated that he didn't love me. And he hated that I loved him and wouldn't leave him alone. UGH.
Anyway, it's over. It took a long time for me to stop fantasizing that he would change his mind. I swear sometimes I thought I'd even wait till we were in our 70's - we'd end up together eventually!
I couldn't even read that book that Telmita describes!!! It's too painful! I just really couldn't accept that this guy didn't want me as his girlfriend! And made up every excuse for him not wanting me.
This all comes back to self-esteem I think. Like Telmita says - we deserve better. That's why I check into this post everyday. I need to be reminded.
When guys act nicely for awhile only to abuse - I call that "reelin' you in". Reelin' you in - then throwin' you back out to sea - Reelin' you in - and throwin' you back out....
Keep posting!!
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Post by whispersoft on Jul 18, 2008 18:16:47 GMT -8
Telmita,
Thank you for your words of wisdom. The affirmationtion you suggest is powerful ("by not contacting this man, i am loving myself. i am treating myself with respect and care.). It is a timely reminder. I have written it down and will use it every day. I will read it in times of weakness.
I feel so fragile right now that any criticism, however slight stings like salt in an open wound. It is pathetic but...I need to remind myself of how important I am. I feel sadness and shame for having ignored myself. And believe it or not part of the reason is because I have always thought myself to have a certain amount of intellect. How can someone so smart be so naive? I used to ask myself...what is wrong with me? I am not a naive girl. Why am I allowing this. I felt shame in knowing that if my family saw the way this guy treated me, heard the way he spoke to me that they would be alarmed. I have allowed my self esteem to be battered to the point that sometimes I cannot hold my head up. I find myself holding my head down looking at the sidewalk and avoiding eye contact. I can't continue living in the shadows. Thank you for allowing me to be here. To say what is in my heart. For providing a place I can go as I begin this long climb. For providing the strength I need to make it through the next moments. Safe harbour...it is a place where the words I spill out onto the page are met with eyes that could have been my own.
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Post by whispersoft on Jul 18, 2008 18:32:34 GMT -8
Judy,
Our stories are similar. I had the same kinds of fantasies about him. I hung onto every word turning them into hope that he was saying he wants me as much as I want him. He would tell me he loved me and then deny he ever said it. When I think of what I allowed with this guy I want to throw up. It sickens me. I plan to stick close to these boards. I am grateful for having found them. I want to become strong again and find the balance I need to have a healthy relationship one day. But that is far away right now. Right now I have this moment. And in this moment I want to learn how to love...me.
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Post by Judy on Jul 19, 2008 4:36:48 GMT -8
Hi all - Whisper, I relate to the shame thing. But we cannot go there. Shame is such a big part of this addiction. And it will only bring us down.
I am SOOOOO embarressed and ashamed when I think of the acting out I did in this addiction - from 14 years old on. Especially with this last POA. The addiciton was reaching it's breaking point and I played the whole thing out in the workplace, and indirectly, in the community where I live. And I had 15 years of recover in another 12 step program when it started!!
OK - so now we look at it (with the help of sponsors, friends, program support), learn from it, and LET IT GO!!!!
WE NEVER HAVE TO GO THERE AGAIN!!!! We didn't behave that way because we were bad people. We behaved that way because we were sick people.
Right now I am trying to stay calm and appreciate the relationships which already exist in my life. I'm am trying to be a "present" daughter, sister, friend, sponsor, citizen. You know? I think if I concentrate on those relationships (and the relationship with my SELF), I'll be ready if the "guy" relationship ever happens.
You sound full of awareness. Thank you for sharing your experience. It helps me enormously!
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Post by bungabali on Jul 21, 2008 19:49:14 GMT -8
I can relate to you guys! My POA is absolutely gorgeous, I've never seen such a good looking guy. He was very charming and flirtatous. All the girls I knew were crazy about him. I feel that even though it's superficial, I can't forget how beautiful his face is. I realized though that I was also looking for validation from being with him. Like - others would hold me in higher esteem because I had such a good looking guy. I've really worked on letting that idea go.
I wonder if because these men are good looking and they get girls easy, does that feed their narcissism?
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Post by Judy on Jul 22, 2008 5:24:35 GMT -8
Hi bungabali - Yes, I would imagine it feeds their narcissism. And any crumb they threw me fed my insatiable need.
Oh lordy - I'm just taking it a day at a time.
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Post by whispersoft on Jul 22, 2008 15:52:18 GMT -8
This morning I awoke with thoughts of him. Thoughts of this guy pervade my mind. For 3 years I helped him sell lingerie. I was there with him every weekend, and often during the week, merchandising, waiting on customers, running errands for him. I helped him develop and expand his product line, I taught him about branding and brought in items that are now the bread and butter of his company. I helped him develop a web site, helped him to develop his music, I helped, I helped, I helped. I helped too freaking much. As I took care of him... I neglected me. So I ask myself...why am I imagining me showing up at his store to see who is helping him now? Why am I imagining talking to her to get information about who she is to him and how long she's been in the picture? Why do I imagine then saying to him "I just wanted to see it for myself" and walking away. Why after having been a completely idiotic slave for this guy...mostly without compensation for 3 years...with him repetitively dismissing me...why would I even want to ever see him again? What is wrong with me??? I keep having thoughts such as this. As though this kind of drama will somehow evoke feelings in him that I need for him to feel. He doesn't love me. But I want him to love me. I want him to give me tenderness. Why does my emotional wreckage not reconcile with my intellect and my common sense? Yesterday it was Monday. One week since we shook hands in front of his house and I walked away. It is early in my journey to cleanse my emotional being of this ever present stain. My heart is screaming for healing. I want the pain to stop. I want the emotional insanity to be reigned in. I want to be a whole woman again. I want to stop feeling like a wounded animal.
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Post by Judy on Jul 22, 2008 16:33:37 GMT -8
Oh whispersoft - again I am nodding my head in identification!!! I worked for/with my last POA. While I worked FOR him, I subbed for him ALOT (mostly Mondays because he'd be hung over from Sundays). I did everything I could for him on the job. Sometimes I'm sure he resented that because he wouldn't have even asked for my help in some cases.
You wonder how and why you could still have these feelings for him, still want him to want you - how you can reconcile your intellect and common sense with wreckage of the past? I've asked myself the same questions.
My POA was so MEAN sometimes. Our relationship was so DAMAGED. He had a bunch of girlfriends. We created a work-place scandal. It affected (negatively) every area of my life.
And even until recently I STILL WANTED HIM and I STILL WANTED HIM TO WANT ME.
It's my addiction. I don't try to make sense of it anymore. I just know I feel better not seeing him, and surrendering to the program, and posting and sharing.
You are a whole woman, whispersoft. So am I. Would you consider a woman with cancer not a whole woman? A man with diabetes not a whole man? We have an illness.
Thank God there is a remedy.
This may sound harsh but I will not allow myself to feel like a wounded animal any longer. I think that's just negativity trying to bring me down.
I bet I'm not the only one who will promise you that the screaming pain will stop.
It will stop. Don't give up!
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Post by bungabali on Jul 22, 2008 18:16:46 GMT -8
The pain will stop eventually. I cried everyday for two months over my POA. I thought I was going to die. I wanted to die. Even though it was so painful, as best I could, I allowed myself to be with the pain. I still wake up every morning thinking of him. But the thoughts are getting more and more distant. I haven't seen him since the end of May and before I was feeling like I would go crazy if I didn't see him. Now at this point, I know for my continued healing, it is the best thing for me not to see him. I notice that when I don't want to feel something negative - I start thinking of him. I have to force myself into the present and work on my healing. Focus on yourself and your healing. Just realize this is a hard road, but once you are on the other side, you will be stronger. Whispersoft, this man is a narcissist. There is no fixing him. He is charming when he needs something, when he's gotten what he needs, he discards people like garbage. My first husband was a narcissist, it nearly destroyed me. I "wasted" 12 years of my life with him. Here's some good info. When I read it, I couldn't believe it described my ex to a T. They all seem to come from the same mold. www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/ |
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Post by Judy on Jul 23, 2008 6:50:11 GMT -8
bungabali - I am right there with you. Haven't seen my POA since late May. Still think of him often. Dream about him, too. But that's a far cry from the acting out I did. And for today I am not fantasizing or erotosizing.
Thanks!
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Post by smbeets on Jul 26, 2008 1:15:47 GMT -8
I remember my first awakening was when I learned I was suppose to have a healthy relationship with myself.  Today my life is much more useful. I also had to get angry at my POA and stay angry!. As i began practicing being good to myself I did not want any jerks near me. |
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Post by whispersoft on Aug 4, 2008 23:20:17 GMT -8
I continue to have fantasies that he is this sweet loving guy asking for my hand in marriage. And then I wake up to the reality that he never loved me. I don't even know if he liked me. I recall his actions. He laughed at me when I became so enraged and hurt by his words that I cried; He was all too ready to throw me out of his house on a frigid 7 degree night in the middle of winter when I lost my car keys; He chastised me for spending money to fly out of state to the funeral of a family member...and I could go on for miles with the three years I allowed with this guy. I realized today that I erroneoulsy thought that since he wanted me aound him all the time that cared about me, loved me, wanted me, needed me. The reality is that he could have "hung out" with me for a lifetime with never a thought about my well being if it did not benefit him. I realize now that men and women do this to one another. That we have people in our lives we have no intention of loving. We keep them around because they are easy to have around. We know that they may feel something deeper for us than we do for them but it doesn't matter. We have to fulfill the need we have inside. Maybe that means we don't want to be alone or that we enjoy the power and control of knowing another person will do just about anything for you. That they are like your subjects graveling at your feet waiting to fulfill whatever little desire you may have. So we keep them around to feed our ego, to fill that empty hole, to feel the power we have somehow lost along the way. Having a guy present does not equate to love and caring. It just means that he is there. I allowed myself to be confused by the "I am there for you lie". He was never there for me. He was there for him. It was never about me. I know that confusion is a camoflauge we use when we are not ready to accept our reality. I know...that I have to vigilantly recognize "red flags" when they appear...and walk away. I know that I am worth protecting and that my first line of defense comes from me. I am grateful that every day another sliver of reality is revealed to me...and I know a little more. Acceptance is a good thing.
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Post by LovelyJune on Aug 5, 2008 9:28:46 GMT -8
"Having a guy present does not equate to love and caring"
You've definitely GOT IT.
Keep your head up, whisper.
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Post by whispersoft on Aug 8, 2008 2:46:56 GMT -8
Telmita-Thank you for the encouragement.
I had a vivid dream the other night that I was lured back to my ex's house. I saw myself walking into the living room with him standing there as I prepared to place my purse on his couch and sit down. Before I could sit down on that couch, I had an odd yet powerful experience. I "willed" myself to wake up. I literally woke myself up. As as I awoke I was saying no over and over. I loudly said "No, no, no, no, no. I don't want to go back to (his name) house. I don't want it anymore. I don't want to live that way anymore. I deserve a life. I deserve a good life."
I was startled by the eruption. I don't know why it happened. But I am glad that it did. Lying in my bed after that powerful burst, I felt a tremendous amount of energy flowing through my body. I had a strong feeling that I had somehow broken through a barrier that would allow me to begin the process of regaining control of my life with a greater confidence.
It was truly a WOW moment. I continue to take myself back to the feelings I had in that moment. The fear I felt with the thought of being with him again in his house. The control I knew I would give up being there...and my refusal to give over control of my life to him again.
What I know is that we are given what we need when we need it. We have only to be accepting of the gifts. I am so grateful that I am beginning to feel my heart open up again to a force I have not felt so deeply in a long time. I will continue to trust it and allow that ever-present love inside. The more love I allow in, the less space there is for the pain, the guilt, and the confusion.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Aug 8, 2008 8:49:11 GMT -8
Whispersoft, your experience is an amazing testimony to the power of recovery. You can say this was the power of your mind fighting your addiction or you could call this a spiritual experience. Since we are a 12 Step program and believe in divine intervention you might see this as an act of grace. AA says about addiction "God could and would if sought." I believe in what Joseph Campbell calls "invisible hands." He said if we are the right path invisible hands will come to our aid. I just know willing yourself out of that dream for the sake of your recovery is wonderful and amazing. Congratulations! |
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Post by whispersoft on Aug 19, 2008 14:49:56 GMT -8
Susan..."an Act of Grace" is truly an apt summation of my experience. I appreciate your validation of what remains a stark turning point.
Thoughts of my POA have not disappeared. But it is definitely different. When I slip into a fantasy thought of this guy, it is immediately followed by a strong dose of what my reality was with him. Although I may feel a bit of melancholy at times the deep sadness I felt previously no longer has star billing. What I feel most now is that sense of reality. While I may miss and appreciate the good stuff in my involvement with this guy, I am aware that the bad stuff is part of the package. And I don't want the bad stuff. So...I cannot have either. It is not acceptable. Not for me. Not for my life.
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Post by LovelyJune on Aug 20, 2008 7:21:18 GMT -8
whisper--
You sound very intelligent and what's more, you are starting to really get "smart" with who you are. I fought the concept of "the whole package" for many years, thinking all the while, I can't have everything. What i didn't realize what that, even though i cannot have everything, i CAN come pretty darn close. When we choose someone to love and be loved by, we have a RIGHT to be selective. We do not have to settle. It's so important to realize your worth so that you go out and make better choices. Good job, whisper. You must feel very proud of who you are becoming.
T
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Post by asianaries on Oct 11, 2008 16:20:04 GMT -8
Wow I really like ure story....it's sounded a lot like mine. I would drive about 50 minutes to go see the person that I was addicted to and drop everything for him off the bat. He became my escape from everyday problems and I was using him to heal the things that were going wrong in my life.
U mention how he laughed at you when u confronted him about how he had hurt your feelings, that's exactly what happened to me. When the relationship died, he slowly became more abusive but had done it in a very subtle way, which made it more confusing for me. I believe if a guy makes you feel worthless and is always stringing you along eventhough he knows deep down he will never commit to you, is not a very nice person.
It really hurts when you trusted people that didn't deserve your trust in the first place. I'm starting to FEEL the pain....and also let go. Yes...I do think about him a lot actually! But I slowly realize that he was never there for me...all our friendship and relationship that was build up... only was for his use not mine.
People that care about one another should protect each other heart. They should keep it safe and never purposely try to hurt one another. No one's perfect...but I believe in forgiving one another and understanding why that person is in pain. What really was a turning point and a "light bulb" moment for me was that my POA never was conscious about how much he had hurt me. I was looking at his eyes and just observing him one day ...and he had no soul. Everything was always about him!
That's when I believed the Lord came into the picture and knocked some sense onto me. He said "Look, Lisa...it's either you do or die at this moment, learn to love yourself and get the hell away from this man...Please use me and trust me to protect you" and that's when my life started to change and I began to heal.
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Today my life is much more useful. I also had to get angry at my POA and stay angry!. As i began practicing being good to myself I did not want any jerks near me. 
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