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Post by lacypooh on Sept 25, 2011 19:27:19 GMT -8
I didn't even see this coming! To think that all this time I have been searching for someone to accept me and make me feel ok about myself, my self percieved short comings, and love me in spite of them has been here all along. But I couldn't accept him, he was too safe, too good,...no threat of him ever doing me wrong, so I always kept him at arms length. But over time, I slowly starting to embrace his love for me & to allow myself to free fall into loving him back w/out trying to control HOW I love him. Of course we started slow, I have to take baby steps, we've actually tried this before but i have always pushed away once we reached a certain level of intimacy. This time feels different though, I mean, this is the deepest I've ever allowed him in before. I share how I'm really feeling and not just whatever i think he feels i should be feeling, I let him know what I really need, by asking directly instead of playing games & just hopes he catches the hint. I even ask him to help me when i know i am struggling ..and then...(shocker) i am actually starting to loosen my grip and LET HIM HELP....because I've realized that asking him to help & then still trying to control the situation is the same kind of insanity that got me in the situation i need his help on in the first place! Yet, there are stil times when I feel my heart racing, looking for that familar chaos, or just something different than what i currently have.....sometimes my eyes wonder when a cute guy walks by or I catch one looking my way---It's like i can't help myself but think.." hmm, i wonder if he's the one," but i catch myself and remind myself that love is based on more than just mere attraction & a guy can be looking at me, he may be atracted to my looks, but that doesn't mean he's interested in making a commitment so don't throw away the one who IS for a prospect( probably a fantasy) of what could be,afterall, the grass only seems better on the other side. Yes, my HP is the best person for me to be in a relationship with right now. Because if I can't learn to trust him, then how can I ever learn to trust the "healthy partner" he sends to me?  |
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Sept 25, 2011 19:38:28 GMT -8
awesome wingz...........you had me going for alittle.....i love it...this is so true.....our hp is the best person......i need to work on it and get closer......thanks so much for sharing...Sun |
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Post by lacypooh on Sept 25, 2011 19:48:05 GMT -8
Sun, you're welcome!
I have known for yrs that my HP was the one who could give me the kind of love I've been yearning for but I've never been able to pull myself away from all the unhealthy men and desire to have a husband enough to truly let him in. This has been an amazing journey and experience and I look forward to a rich, deep , intimate relationship with him, my hp.
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Sept 26, 2011 7:01:16 GMT -8
great sharing....it inspires me to do more with my hp...thanks so much
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Post by LovelyJune on Sept 26, 2011 11:48:12 GMT -8
Good luck, Wingz! Go slowly. And just remember that what you might be feeling now is NOT love. It is passionate intensity. It's a feeling, not a logical part of who you are. So take it slowly and simply ENJOY your new friend.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Sept 26, 2011 14:21:00 GMT -8
Hmmm, looks like LJ missed it too, I didn't get it till I read sunflowers post! Thanks for the reminder Wingz. I was watching my mind just before I read your post, thinking about getting better myself, and how I could attract a good relationship then, and then thinking "So this is why I want to heal? Just to get a relationship?" And I honestly don't know how much of the time I am doing this still with the hope that I will find my prince charming. Some of the time I am. And then some of the time I'm so happy and focused and busy that I am living my life purely because it's there and it's so good to live it.
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Post by sunshine on Sept 26, 2011 19:22:49 GMT -8
I feel the same way. Sometimes I feel like I want to heal so I can find a husband and live happily ever after. I know this isn't the end result we are after in recovery though.
But other times, I am so busy and involved in my life, that I feel content and I couldn't fit a guy in anyway.
A lot of times, outside factors influence me too. A friend complaining about being single, a romantic movie where the couple ride off into the sunset, my sister talking about taking a vacation with her husband - things like these make me feel lonely sometimes.
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Post by lacypooh on Sept 26, 2011 19:40:55 GMT -8
LJ, although I am talking about my hp, I am still taking it slow because I am very new to intimacy and not quite sure how to go about it, but I do know that each day gets easier to open up and not run from his "possible" reaction.
Without quoting scripture per say, I love my hp because he first loved me. That used to be just a verse in the Bible to me. But now I understand what it means. It has always been hard for me to accept that someone could truly love me, and that's whats so ground breaking about this relationship because this is the first one where I am learning to relax and receive the love. Just relax and let it flow. I've never been able to do that before. I've always played games, lied, schemed, withheld, or any other clever way to control the situation ( whatever I could do to make sure I didn't get rejected).
When I think about how much my HP loves me, despite everything I've done and how "messed up' I feel, then I know that there is hope for me to truly love and accept myself and then in return start to accept and embrace the love that other people actually have for me.
This isn't about my religious beliefs, but just the mere miracle that I am starting to accept that I am loved.
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Post by sunshine on Sept 26, 2011 19:54:27 GMT -8
wingz: I am happy that you are developing this relationship with your HP. I have had A LOT of trouble developing this kind of relationship. The concept of a HP confuses me. I am not a spiritual person, but I wish I could be. I have searched for a HP of some sort that has meaning to me. Unfortunately I have realized recently that I have made my current POA my HP. Not sure how that happened. When a new POA comes along, I have transferred the title of HP him and the old POA loses all status. Any advice on why I do this or how to stop??
I worry that I will never be able to move from Step 1 to Step 2 without this belief.
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Post by lacypooh on Sept 26, 2011 20:08:48 GMT -8
Sun,
I grew up with spiritual parents who made sure I went to church every Sunday, but somehow I still ended up a LA and yes, I made my POA my HP as well.
So in terms of spirituality don't feel bad that you haven't connected yet. I was right in the midst of it and still missed it. However, it was because of my POA that I ran to my spiritual background. I was so desperate not to feel as bad as I did after he rejected me that I begged my HP to send him back to me. That is what opened up the doorway for me to start praying on a deepe rlevel, and although every prayer was about reuniting with my POA, i was still communicating with my HP.
I learned a lot and develope dmy own relationship , outside of my POA with my HP, but I still wasn't allowing my HP full access to my heart. I kept him at arms length just like any one who wanted an intimate relationship with me.
I say all that to say that spirituality is a journey, it doesn't happen over night, and no matter how deep you are, there are still layers to be revealed.
Give yourself time to discover what spirituality means to you and as you are ready, the layers will be revealed.
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Post by LovelyJune on Sept 27, 2011 2:40:26 GMT -8
@wingz...Ooops! Hah. I didn't catch that. Enjoy your spiritual journey!
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Post by sunshine on Sept 27, 2011 5:20:13 GMT -8
Thank you wingz, I will try to be more patient with the process. I guess this is all part of the self-discovery journey |
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Post by veronica on Sept 28, 2011 6:14:20 GMT -8
Wingz: *you are so right on*. Is the end result about finding a romantic partner? I'm here to say even when you do the addiction is still there and recovery work is still necessary. So there isn't an end anyway!
And I'm at the end of my 40s. I'm in 'mid-life crisis' but in a good way. I'm staring down the next half of my life. I'm no longer the cute young thing that gets a ton of male attention. I don't have kids. I have got to learn how to have decent relationships with people that have nothing to do with my sexuality. Because my awesome, amazing husband will probably be gone before me because he's a man and they don't live as long and because my family lives a long time. So I have to learn to deal with this life and the people in it, and make my inner child and outer adult happy and healthy and secure.
We really do come here, live here and leave here ultimately alone. Other people own their destinies and that may not involve us forever. Sometimes they can't be with us even if they want to.
I think it's really important for me to learn how to contribute meaningfully to this place and my community. That's a very important relationship that recovery is helping me with and that has nothing to do with POAs or romance. It's life outside the fantasy bubble.
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Post by lacypooh on Sept 28, 2011 9:11:26 GMT -8
Veronica, this was an excellent post. I am in my twenties and sometimes, especially at the beginning of recovery I felt that my life was over and I wasted my best yrs and was so depressed because everyone was "moving on" with their life (getting married) except me. It's something I still struggle with from time to time, but this post really puts it all into perspective...I could have been married, I've been asked, but even in my insanity I made the right choice to say no, I was no where near ready for marriage, he would have been all EVERYTHING, I wouldn't have been a real person, just someone's wife and that's not what I want for myself, I do have to be able to stand on my own and be completely content with that, BEFORE i get married. Seems like a far stretch, but for me, it's mandatory.
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Post by Loving My Life on Sept 28, 2011 9:55:26 GMT -8
wingz, awesome your in your twenties, I will be 51 a week from today, I wish i had all of this knowledge when i was younger. Im peri-menopausal (tmi), and will be glad when thats over, so i can live the second part of my life. But you take care of yourself first and foremost, and you will not be alone for the rest of your life. I dont have kids myself, and iam ok with that, i dont think ive missed much, b/c now that im in recovery there are plenty of people needed help. So keep up the good work, and Live one day @ a time, your life is just beginning.
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Post by lacypooh on Sept 28, 2011 10:27:43 GMT -8
Thanks Carolyn,
Recovery has definitely taught me to receive the love I already have in my life from family, friends, and yes my HP. Life isn't just about romantic love, if we are waiting to have a romantic partner before we begin life then that is a sad existence that I no longer want any part in.
It is still challenging for me to get out there and do things on my own, but I am in the stage of acceptance, this is something I MUST do, and I will.
Congrats on the second part of your life, many women say you really begin to live after 50!
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