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Post by Susan Peabody on Jan 14, 2008 21:30:43 GMT -8
How to Fall Out of Love: How to Free Yourself from Love That Hurts and Find Love that Heals, by Robert Judd and Dr. Deborah Phillips.
Letting Go: A 12-Week Personal Action Program to Overcome a Broken Heart, by Tracy Cabot.
How to Heal a Broken Heart in 30 Days, by Howard Bronson.
How to Survive the Loss of a Love, by Peter McWilliams.
Coming Apart: Why Relationships End and How to Live Through the Ending of Yours, by Daphne Rose Kingma.
Don't Call That Man, by Rhonda Findling.
The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Turn the End of a Relationship into the Beginning of a New Life, by Susan Anderson.
Most of the books on love addiction also have a section of how to end a relationship. No one really knows how to stop obsessing. John Bradshaw called love addiction a "thinking disorder." You can try "thought stopping." Think of your mind as a t.v. and learn how to turn the channel. Also, there is aversion therapy, which is thinking really gross things about the person you are obsessing about. Remember, it is progress not perfection.
More Recommendations
www.oprah.com/oprahsbookclub/What-Books-to-Read-When-Youre-Going-Through-a-Breakup
dating.about.com/od/breakupsrejection/tp/breakupbooks.htm
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Post by eminemimportgirl on May 12, 2008 7:44:42 GMT -8
I'M confused. I read 'DON'T CALL THAT MAN' ok, good. I have found that I'm with the 'ambivalent man'. But now I'm onto Pia Mellody's book, 'FACING LOVE ADDICTION' and I feel like there's no need to rush to get out of my relationship with me, the love addict, and him, the love avoidant. I am not quite finished with the book but I think that she's recommending that I sit back and observe my situation and be very quiet. I get the feeling from everyone on this website tho that i need to break it off. What do you think?
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Post by Susan Peabody on May 12, 2008 15:56:52 GMT -8
I'M confused. I read 'DON'T CALL THAT MAN' ok, good. I have found that I'm with the 'ambivalent man'. But now I'm onto Pia Mellody's book, 'FACING LOVE ADDICTION' and I feel like there's no need to rush to get out of my relationship with me, the love addict, and him, the love avoidant. I am not quite finished with the book but I think that she's recommending that I sit back and observe my situation and be very quiet. I get the feeling from everyone on this website tho that i need to break it off. What do you think? You ask an important question. I, for one, have never agreed with Pia. When I wrote my book the publisher pressured me to offer my readers a way for couples to stay together. It sells books. But I think this just gives people false hope. SW's don't change without intensive therapy. What do others think about this . . . |
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Post by LovelyJune on Jul 23, 2008 18:40:56 GMT -8
I just noticed this post from back in May! Hope it is still relevant. One of the biggest problems LAs have is an inability to make decisions for themselves and be proud of those decisions (eg. "should I stay or should I go?"). Eminemportgirl's situation would be a great first challenge to step away from the books for a sec and the forum advice and try to make the best decision she can, based on her new value system and newfound sense of self worth.
Bottom line: As long as we are making choices based on being good to ourselves, we are being true to the ultimate goal: love thyself.
T
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Post by Judy on Jul 24, 2008 9:38:02 GMT -8
I would tend to agree with Susan on this one. Of course, I'm talking from my own experience. I'll use anything, any way of thinking, any theory on relationships, any philosophy of "love is all you need" to stay addicted. And did!
I feel very strongly that if I am going to become involved with another love addict, he (I'm heterosexual) HAS to be in some kind of therapy and working as hard as I am, one day at a time, to have an honest, healthy life. Or it's just not going to work.
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Post by lovely1 on Mar 17, 2009 17:33:12 GMT -8
I just noticed this post from back in May! Hope it is still relevant. One of the biggest problems LAs have is an inability to make decisions for themselves and be proud of those decisions (eg. "should I stay or should I go?"). Eminemportgirl's situation would be a great first challenge to step away from the books for a sec and the forum advice and try to make the best decision she can, based on her new value system and newfound sense of self worth. Bottom line: As long as we are making choices based on being good to ourselves, we are being true to the ultimate goal: love thyself. T This is probably true for any type of decisions not just with breaking it off with the POA. I'm a VERY indecisive person in general. I've been pondering what to get my masters degree in for 15 years! |
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Post by runrunrun on Dec 28, 2010 6:14:21 GMT -8
I too am very indecisive. I had to read a book to help me decide if I should end a very bad relationship. The book is called Too Good to Leave Too Bad to Stay. Its a good book that takes you through steps trying to decide if you should end the relationship or not. THe first test of the relationship I was in told me to end it. It also said that if I answered yes to this test its not necessary to even read the rest. But I read the whole book anyhow. I really enjoyed the book. But I was so addicted to him that I had to read a book to make a decision. And he was probably the most destructive person I have ever had in my life.
Runrunrun
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Post by reinventmyself on Dec 28, 2010 9:02:57 GMT -8
I read that book as well Too Good to Leave. I've read it a couple times. It actually facilitated the final push for me to end my marraige of 16 years. I find it very pinpointed and it allow you to make brutally honest assessments of your own personal situation.
Runrunrun. You will find the courage to stay or leave. . when you are ready.
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Post by mike1967 on Jul 4, 2012 10:44:42 GMT -8
I have tried the aversion therapy mindset of "thinking really gross things about the person you are obsessing about", but it has not worked for me...which I guess says A LOT about the hold my POA still as on me!! Without getting graphic, there were several occasions when were together that she truly grossed me out. I guess this practice does not work for me because, in spite of being "grossed out", I knew these were things that she had no control over. Sadly, she has a chronic, worsening, physical handicap, which is probably one of the reasons I was drawn to her out of my need to rescue. In my sick mind, I am all but convinced that she will come back to me when her disability reaches the point where she can no longer walk and/or loses complete control of certain bodily functions.  |
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Post by healthyme on Jul 4, 2012 11:18:20 GMT -8
Hi Susan,
I read Pia's FLA book & myself in the addictive state used the chapters on reentering a relationship as loop holes to feed my addiction. The thing is it is about a healthy relationship. My PoA was powerless over his issues and had no interest in any form of recovery, so there was absolutely no way those things would change. If those things wouldn't change, it would not constitute a healthy relationship. My thinking was I could be healthy enough for both of us.
I wanted to read between the lines, that was a big part of my addiction staying alive. He would not talk to me for days & then pop in when he wanted something, I'd call that he missed me & realized he didn't want to be without me.
When it comes to keeping the addiction alive I could see the glass half full, when it came to being free from the addiction the glass always looked half empty.
There may be good information on reentering a healthy relationship but it's gotta be just that 2 sided healthy & that's where it gets tricky.
Addiction is tricky.
I have to stay away from him for my own well being & can't use recovery sources as loop holes to be around him. That's my understanding today.
Mike1967,
While very LAd to my ex husband I used to torment myself with the thought of other women wanting him or taking him away from me & looked forward to the day he'd be old & in a wheelchair etc.
He did get really sick in our marriage once & I had to take care of him, it wasn't really that fun. & he still didn't give me the attention I always longed for when he was busy.
That just made me laugh a bit, I remember those thoughts too.
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Post by brainhealth on Jul 5, 2012 12:52:37 GMT -8
Books about Cold turkey, gradual withdrawal, procrastination, foolish hope...........
There is something we all need to agree on. Love addiction (LA)/relationship addiction (RA) is a mental disease, just like depression. Being ambivalent about this will destroy our lives and if not checked , could kill us. We cannot afford to be complacent.
Anyone on this board knows what addiction is. We know from smoking/drug addiciton, alcoholism that when we are addicted we don't have full control. Addiction of any kind means we have clouded / tunnell vision. Everything around us can have a tendency to loose focus as we attempt to exclusively focus on the small part of clear vision available to us-i.e. our POA.
I have been a victim of LA/RA for over 40 years. The principles outlined by senior members of this board and indeed many other wise addicts on this board indicate that NC/NIC contact plus considerable inner child work can relieve many of the symptoms of this disease. I believe this can lead to a permanent cure. This is because, no one, just no one can ever give us happiness. This is generated internally. But it will only come to pass if we are comfortable in our own company, and, have very good self esteem. The inner child work helps us here.
brainhealth
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Post by lawoman on Aug 25, 2014 23:27:43 GMT -8
I love Getting Past Your Break-Up by Susan J. Elliott. It definitely hits all the LA issues and rules (NC, withdrawal, grief) but has such a positive spin about getting on with your life and coming out stronger. It provides light at the end of the tunnel.
I also read How to Survive the Loss of a Love in college, years ago, actually when going through a break-up back then. It was in our school's bookstore. I remember liking it a lot and it helped me.
I read Susan's books and excerpts of Pia Melody's book, which will of course help you realize you are a LA and the love addict-love avoidant situation.
Personally, I am finding it better not to dwell on the situation so much, but how to get on with my life. (although I had a horrible day today and am in a weird denial because I keep thinking of my ex as my "still-boyfriend" today, which is really weird.
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