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Post by Susan Peabody on Aug 25, 2008 13:36:51 GMT -8
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Post by mzcateeyes on Aug 26, 2008 19:15:23 GMT -8
I really like the first one. There is great truth is knowing that breaking up is GOING TO FEEL BAD...and that the unhealthy thing to do would be to try to escape that bad feeling. This is exactly why I stay in a bad relationship. I want to avoid the withdrawl of leaving it! It is such a paradox...ugh! Thanks for the articles.
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Post by LovelyJune on Oct 13, 2008 7:06:07 GMT -8
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102754
Junior Member
Posts: 55
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Post by 102754 on Mar 15, 2009 12:45:08 GMT -8
Telmita, I found the first link that you posted very helpful!
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Post by takingcontrol on May 4, 2010 14:54:48 GMT -8
is there really such a thing as a 'healthy breakup'?
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Post by not2bforgot10x on May 22, 2010 10:55:32 GMT -8
Thank you for these articles; I am reading them now... I am also taking notes and simplifying some of the articles into bulleted guildelines that are simple for me to read and easy to follow.
I am wondering, does anyone know what happens with LA's, or really, anyone in general, who has not grieved several relationships on end, because they have always distracted themselves, either with a new relationship, drugs, etc?
I ask because that seems to be the case with me... I have a string (8 off the top of my head) relationships that I have not properly grieved... I think it may be a PTSD-induced response because this pattern started happening when I found my father dead one morning 7 years ago...
Anyway, do you know how you grieve multiple people when you're just experiencing the grief of your most recent past relationship?
The situation is I just experienced a break up... of the 6th or 7th person I've ever involved myself with and not grieved. I broke up with this person once and for all because the relationship has not been healthy for either of us, and I really want to start an active process of recovery.
It would be worth mentioning that we do still live together at her dad's home... so I am in the process of figuring that out and trying to emotionally pull myself away so that I can physically separate.
Anyway, how on earth, and when/will I be able to grieve the former 6, 7 relationships? I haven't been able to this whole time I imagine because I have distracted myself... I find it very difficult to grieve.
Thanks.
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Post by not2bforgot10x on May 22, 2010 11:23:42 GMT -8
After having read (I am still in the process) these articles, I am very curious about grief... grief, the process, grief counseling, grief therapy... just grief. I am realizing I (and likely a lot of other LA's) have a LOT of repressed grief.
I am wondering if anyone can tell me anything about this topic, or share their personal experiences? Are there resources you would suggest? ie, what helped YOU? I am a little scared of this process, and am trying to decide WHERE I should grieve... I am (as stated above) currently living with the PO I just broke up with, and I need to figure out where to move to to start my recovery process and my long history of unresolved grief...
I am torn between my family of origin back home (which is unhealthy for the most part) or going back to Vermont, which is my first "home" away from home. (Right now I am in Philadelphia). I am truly torn between these two... because I so badly want to be around family where I originally experienced the loss (7 years ago, finding my father dead) and in Vermont, my first step towards independence... and first time ever living away from home.
I guess, in short, I should ask... what is your experience with grief, and what kind of "home"/nest should be created to endure it?
Thanks...
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Post by LovelyJune on May 24, 2010 3:50:11 GMT -8
does anyone know what happens with LA's, or really, anyone in general, who has not grieved several relationships on end, because they have always distracted themselves, either with a new relationship, drugs, etc? . not2b-- the answer to this is simple: you don't grow up. Every day you self-medicate is another day you choose not to live and accept life as is. It is a day you AVOID. I've told a great story of a man I dated a few years ago who was a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. I dated him because I figured he was "recovered" and didn't do drugs anymore. But the problem was, he was drunk or on drugs almost every day of his life for 20 years that by the time he sobered up his growth was so stunted that he didn't respond to things in an adult way. He was very immature, emotionally and mentally and quite frankly, wasn't very well rounded. When you hide away from life like he did- which so many of us do-- you cannot grow, you cannot change. You have not learned any healthy ways to deal with pain and suffering. And so when you do finally come out of your shell and decide to LIVE, it's overwhelming and difficult. Hope this helps. |
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Post by not2bforgot10x on May 29, 2010 12:52:11 GMT -8
Tel-
Thank you. I am about to make a HUGE life transition now, and have decided consciously to live my life for me and start the process of recovery. I will soon be leaving an unhealthy situation in which I've been in for about 2 years now... I am about to move back to my "safe" spot and start an active program of recovery for myself...
I am really nervous about it. I am excited, yet very nervous, because I distinctly remember the loneliness when I was not "using" (as in NOT in a relationship). It's unfortunate that there are not any 12-step face-to-face groups in my area for LA... only Al-anon, which helps, but I'm not sure if it will be able to help with LA?
I mean, I did grow up with the influence of alcoholism in my family, so maybe... we'll see.
Do you have any suggestions for myself and other newcomers who first start the process? I will be going BACK to where I came from (Burlington, VT) where it's safe, and I will not be by my PO at ALL, OR family/friends. I will literally be starting brand new. I will be looking for a therapist and will be familiar with the community, but have absolutely NO social support at all when I first get there.
I will likely be starting my FIRST full-time job... (I have usually worked 35 hours or so off and on). This will be a 4-day 40-hour/wk job. I have an interview for it this upcoming Wed. Do you have any suggestions in terms of this?
I do not want to isolate... yet, I will not know anyone there... and I am shy/mistrusting around people... because I do not trust myself to have healthy relationships with people. So I am hesitant to make new friends. Is this normal? At first?
Thanks Tel!
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Post by Loveanimals on Jan 15, 2014 21:57:51 GMT -8
does anyone know what happens with LA's, or really, anyone in general, who has not grieved several relationships on end, because they have always distracted themselves, either with a new relationship, drugs, etc? . not2b-- the answer to this is simple: you don't grow up. Every day you self-medicate is another day you choose not to live and accept life as is. It is a day you AVOID. I've told a great story of a man I dated a few years ago who was a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. I dated him because I figured he was "recovered" and didn't do drugs anymore. But the problem was, he was drunk or on drugs almost every day of his life for 20 years that by the time he sobered up his growth was so stunted that he didn't respond to things in an adult way. He was very immature, emotionally and mentally and quite frankly, wasn't very well rounded. When you hide away from life like he did- which so many of us do-- you cannot grow, you cannot change. You have not learned any healthy ways to deal with pain and suffering. And so when you do finally come out of your shell and decide to LIVE, it's overwhelming and difficult. Hope this helps. Wow LovelyJune, this man being immature emotionally and mentally sounds like me! People ask why I have a hard time relating to people my age, it's because my growth is stunted! |
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Post by LovelyJune on Jan 16, 2014 2:46:17 GMT -8
I hope that's a postive recognition, loveanimals, and that it propels you to want to change your circumstance  |
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Post by CodepNomore on Jan 16, 2014 6:25:25 GMT -8
Loveanimals,
I sincerely wish that this withdrawal you are going through right now would finally bring you to a stage where your old wounds are healed and you are ready to commit for the best things that recovery has for you. Please continue to take care of you. If it helps to keep you accountable here then do so. This too shall pass. You are not alone. We are here for you.
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Post by Little Fox on Jan 20, 2014 23:36:04 GMT -8
When you hide away from life like he did- which so many of us do-- you cannot grow, you cannot change. You have not learned any healthy ways to deal with pain and suffering. And so when you do finally come out of your shell and decide to LIVE, it's overwhelming and difficult. Hope this helps. Wow LovelyJune, this man being immature emotionally and mentally sounds like me! People ask why I have a hard time relating to people my age, it's because my growth is stunted! This is exactly the same as in my case and it explains a lot about me. When I fell for the 15 years younger guy it did not FEEL inappropriate at all. When I surround myself with people of my own age then it feels weird as if I didn't belong. I can relate much better to people around 20-28 of age than I would relate to people between 35 and 45. The only exception is this forum. |
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Post by Loveanimals on Jan 23, 2014 22:33:06 GMT -8
Thank you everyone, I've been getting some "tough love" from family members so it helps to have support on this forum.
About spiraling downward, being a poor role model for my daughter, bulimia, etc.
Yet this board and attending meetings gives me hope and helps to increase my self esteem thank you.
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