Post by Susan Peabody on Sept 6, 2008 12:41:01 GMT -8
Withdrawal from a person or relationship is the worst withdrawal because the anxiety it creates goes back to infancy. The infant has a sense of urgency because his or her life is at stake. When love addicts go into withdrawal they are re-experiencing this life or death anxiety.
Anxiety attacks (which is what the love addict deals with in withdrawal) is very physical so it is much like withdrawal from heroin. We have headaches, stomachaches, cold sweats. With the substance abuser the withdrawal is over in a few days.
Our withdrawal goes on much longer because the anxiety is being triggered by a part of the brain we call the amygdala which is where we store our childhood memories of loss, fear, anxiety and longing to be free from pain by bonding to someone. In a detox withdrawal is accompanied by sedatives. Love addicts also have the option of sedatives. If one does not want to use medication they can use their Higher Power. To do this begin projecting your need for love onto God. Transfer it from the POA to God. It eases the pain a little.
Do you think that our first withdrawal would have to have been a parents destructive behavior or attitude, or could it have been just a seperation problem within ourselves. I ask because I have very few memories from my past, but when I try to meditate on them I feel much pain and emotion, sometimes even anger and rage. most of the memories I have are of myself and the shameful things I have done even at a very early age. Some things I don't even know if I can tell to my psych. After all, I haven't even been able to tell myself these things for years. Also, when I think about making ammends with these people that I have harmed, it makes me cringe in fear. Some of these things make me, literally sick when they surface. Part of me thinks, though, that someone in my past had to have done similar things to me.
Sorrow shared is halved...joy and laughter shared is doubled...love shared is multiplied!
Post by Susan Peabody on Sept 16, 2008 20:10:17 GMT -8
It all goes back to our infancy and childhood. This is why I believe in psychodynamics as outlined by Alice Miller in The Drama of the Gifted Child. Go back and process the truth and the pain. You won't regret it. Do it with an "enlightened witness."
i am going through a very rough time. my girlfriend left 5 months ago and i am still messed up in the head.she would come and have sex then not call or want me for days. i went through this for 4 months then she stopped. when i asked her she said it was just sex. no meaning just sex, knowing that i was still in love and trying to get her to come back i know i take some responsability in this but i feel she was trying to hurt me. now she wont return calls or text i feel i have been done wrong , but what can i do ? i really feel angry and want to make her hurt, i have had some bad thoughts, just thoughts but i am afraid. how much longer can i hold out. why cant i just let it go please help, please
I can relate to your situation. I went through something very similar. I think what is hurt is your ego, and maybe resentment toward yourself for staying in a situation where you were not getting your needs met. Remember we can't control people, places or things. Even if you were to get her back somehow, hurt her feelings, it would not change the fact that this person is toxic for you and doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. I know how much this hurts--but stepping into recovery means you make this about you not her. You want to be healthy so that this never happens to you again, and that you can attract a person into your life that will give you the love and respect you deserve. Keep posting instead of acting out. We've all been where you're at.
what i can offer to you is the recovery i went through! it simply took one year for me to get over him! during this year, i didnt make any move to reach him out, didnt reply any message , didnnt contact him in anyway only a phone call he did to me and that was it! NO CONTAct! mostly because as a seductive witholder , he just had to say he was sorry one more time and i would be back with him!so knowing that , i didnt give him a chance to say he was sorry , he tried but i didnt want to listen anymore, i got fed up with everything around. what i want to say RDW is that i cant guarantee you can move on from her RIGHT NOW. only time will make you feel better and also only you can say when you are prepared to move on. it took me 3 break ups , 2 bosses firing me , failing in 5 subjects in college , family not giving me credit anymore , friends not wanting to be friends anymore to finally see i could not and didnt want to fix that relationship anymore. i think everybody has a limit ! and sometimes we only start to move on and search recovery when we are at the bottom with nothing more to lose or give, with low selfsteem , no job and really in pain! i was one of those people! i had to get very low to see i needed help! how i wish that i had search recovery in the beginning where i was not hurting that much!
i hope you stay away from this girl and come to this board and read everything you can! that will give you hope and we need hope sometimes to keep going in life!!
im praying for you!
''The past is gone. Today is full of possibilities. With each breath I will be aware of the strength at hand.''
Post by reinventmyself on Jun 5, 2009 4:27:02 GMT -8
RDW/ Estrala states it weill. Please fnd comfort that you are not alone and most of us have the same experience of panic when a relationship ends. In a book...I apologize I should have verified the title but it's mentioned often here, please check the list of resources .How to break your addition to someone? It compares the break up to being addicted to heroin. Imagine the cravings in the initial phase as close unbearble as possible and with each day it lessons. The committment to no contact and learning to work on limiting obsessive thoughts and huge amounts of self reflection and self love will begin to get you on track. It's never easy and no short cuts. But well worth it. Continue to post here and read others stories for strength. Take care yourself!
I'm wondering when I'll get through this withdrawl. A friend said to me afew days ago, "You need to let go and move on."
It's been 41 days of nc other than the one near slip/disaster I had 9 days ago. Was driving to work, saw his bike and threw me into an anger jag. He sat out front with his buddies and i went in the side door and got a cup of coffee--sat inside at a table and wrote which helped calm the turbulence inside me enough to get my shakey body up, out, into the car, and onto the road without a second look.
I'm occassionally get the urge to drive by; stop by; snoop, but haven't. I just wait for the wave to pass. I sometimes feel like an object--something he used up and discarded. The past 7 years with him has been a crushing blow to my self esteem.
All of my efforts at nc and getting through this sober is so hard. I felt so much like just going to the bar and drowning my sorrows the other day. I thought it may help me to let go--I went to an aa meeting insteat.
I wish their was a magic formula to help met go and be at peace. I'm learning to be honest with myself abouut how I'm doing/feeling; to cry my tears. Tears seem to wash away some of the pain--like hydrogen peroxide cleansing an infection.
I found the description above on the pain of withdrawal both helpful and frightening. I have long wondered at the sheer quantity, quality and length of pain I have been suffering in breaking up with him. It has been two years - with two short slip periods after contacting and 'being friends' for a while. I recently spent the night with him on four occasions before pulling away again 5 weeks ago. But the pain and anguish I have been suffering is truly terrible. I would greatly welcome any help with how to heal this pain. Have people found the healing of the inner child the only way to go? If so, which of the books recommended is that very best? While I was not abused I was number 6 of 8 children with an absent and critical father and a codependent, neglected and freaked out mother. I definitely have a very needy little Princess inside me although I am 54 years old and have spent my whole life working on healing her.
I know for me, I am going through waves. Things are, in general, going very well for me now, finally, new place to live, new great job/career... but I still get alone too much and start thinking and then a big ol' sadness wave hits. It happened last night. I had a really nice time with a friend I hadn't seen in a long while, very positive and fun talk... but when I got home, all I could do was cry. Logic fails to save me, I know intellectually that I have no real feelings for this man who creamed my heart and trust (and it is very refreshing to realize this) but there is still the SHE WON and I LOST stuff. This morning for the VERY first time, I was able to truthfully ask myself "Why on earth would you want to RUIN a day by thinking about HIM and HIS situation???" And HONESTLY answer "I DON'T". wow that felt awesome... but I still thought about him...lol sad... huh? Waves... Maybe it would help to view it as waves hitting the shore...They DO dissipate, don't they?
"They never just leave... Always gotta say something."
Yesterday I decided to go another day without contacting him. It so hard cuz I'm still working & he calls & talks with my coworker at length. She appears to be madly in love with him yet is well respected as a happily married women. He tells her all about his day, his extended family, his business. He jokes with her. They whisper. It's torture. I wanted to be his friend. If he could not be committed, I at least wanted a closeness like I see them have.
So at the end of the night I decided to call him. I was getting off an hour early & thought that was an excellent excuse. Started rationing why n/c could be put on hold. It was just a withdrawal from his voice that soothes me, even though there is no love in it. So I started calling & texting with no answer. It was frustrating & painful AGAIN. He's told me this angers him when I repeatedly call...I just lose control...I become desperate to hear from him. Then I feel bad & want to make it good. If he loved me or even liked me I would not be going through this, he would be glad to hear from me or he would be calling me first. He does not having a problem answering or calling other people. I wanted to apologize, even this morning, with everything constructive that I neglect to do the heaviest thing is wondering if he would answer now. & if he did, what could I say, I need to be ending it for my own healing. I think I just want it to end good. The last time we talked it was good enough...but I always jack it up.
I'm getting my hair changed today. I've had the same doo for so many years. I'm letting a pro take it over. I wish changing my addiction from him to anything good in my life was that easy. Maybe I will use the process of the new color, cut & styling as a symbol of what I need. I am really believing that n/c is the best place to start healing.
The only problem with n/c is it is incredibly hard to walk through. The feelings of desperation to hear from him are more intense than ever!! I have went days of being ignored by him, even a couple months once...but I always had the hope next time would be better. With n/c to get better...I panic & think one more time. I'm not sure if I'll subject myself to the rejection this morning. But I would like to attempt the n/c again. Maybe I wont get it the 1st 2nd or 3rd time...but like when I lost 49.5 lbs...maybe I WILL GET IT & heal up nicely. It's the only reality hope I have. Thanks for the hope.
Ok2bme....You need to stop contacting him TODAY!!! Just start doing it, ask God to give you the strength. Everytime my POA and me would get into a fight, since we were long distance, he would just hang up the phine!!! OMG..that would drive me crazy. I would call him back like 20 times until he answered!! That was so humilliating. I felt that if he didnt pick up, he stopped loving me and I would get soooooo anxious and then it would become like a little girl´s tantrum...until he answered again, and if he didnt I would cry until the next day.
Is this really necessary??? Do we really want someone like that, someone that doesnt want to be with us??? I ceratinly dont anymore....its so hard for me to stop thinking and to stop hurting but I use to hurt more being with him.
I suggest that everytime you feel like calling, txt...whatever!! Pray and then call someone else you can talk to...do something that gets your mind off of him immedietely!!!
That´s what I do...I call all my friends until I can talk to someone else...then I go to therapy each Thursday and that seems to help so much.
I'm wanting to get through all the symptoms of withdrawal. I had a bad fall yesterday. He drove through work & I lost all concern of my job & ran to catch him, he exited the gate, there I stood outside it while a coworker was arriving & he had the most troubled look & said, "What are you doing here?!" I just looked at him & watched my PoAs truck leave, never stopping. I called him & radiod him several times, no answer. I even asked to borrow someone's cell to call from it so he would answer, but he didn't. Then I realized, he must not have it. He has another phone & I used to have the number but think it's been changed (no answer). I called an hour later, he answered & talked to me as if everything was good. It was not good, he has ignored me for 3 days. I don't know that I can resist if he contacts me but I'm getting sold on the idea that no contact will be my best start to recovery. After experiencing the withdrawal symptoms several times...no choice, when he checks out...I know it's no joke. It's the worst...but sounds worth it to get through.
Today is Friday, a fair chance he may contact me for Sx. I have a cough & cold, so that will be my ticket out for now...since I do not have what it takes YET to ask him to put my on his do not call list. YET.
I'm challenging myself to let it be...this weekend & see how it goes. Oh also this weekend I'm having an exciting trip to a LAA sit down meeting out of town!! & I will have more time to sit & read the Steps & Big Book of AA...more time for the actual recovery segment of what has been helping so far.
I wanted to say that you reminded me of a good point...I have had friends that could no longer subject themselves to my obsession to someone that treats me so poorly. I have put my job at stake...there is a lot more to lose or exhaust...things that I would not want to lose. Love Addiction is certainly like or worse than a drug addiction! No doubt for me now.
Thank you Besatt & Nena. Yes, someone to talk with that would understand my withdrawal would be great. I seem to exhaust my friends because they don't understand why I'm still hooked on him. It makes it complicated when just to get through the moment is all I need.
I'm thinking between me, the site & the support group I would like to give n/c another shot. I don't wish to tell him. I was stuck on the idea of having a happy ending with him, a romantic break up...actually. I was not wanting to do a n/c to get on the road of getting better until we met one more time. We talked last night & it was good, he said he would talk to me today. No call today. Before leaving work a couple hours ago I did the call, call, radio, text, call thing..no answer. He had 2 phones & I think he got a new number for 2nd phone & doesn't even carry the number I have with him. SOOOOO, I'm sure he will talk to me someday...but I really need to accept how unimportant I am to him & how much it hurts me every time I go through this. The highs with him are incredibly wonderful...rare & for very short times, his choice. I want to get better, I'm willing to give up my hopes for a romantic break up night to START as you put it Nena. I have experienced the withdrawal symptions several times when he chooses to ignore me for days, it's the worst feeling ever...I used to think jealousy was th worst feeling...but withdrawals are the ultimate horrible feelings to experience. I will trust you all that have this behind you & GO FOR IT...all with the belief, it will get better!
Here I go!! Gosh I love him...but he doesn't love me, it takes two to be in a relationship...I accept it's not our fate...well, I'LL PRETEND I ACCEPT...until I really do.
Just before I clicked Post Reply...I thought eh wait, I should give us one more meeting. But you know I felt so awful at work & it was very hard to concentrate on things that needed to get done & I can not even count how many times this has happened. I need to just stop...START, I like that better...start has me thinking about good things to look forward to after getting through the hard parts.
Greta, when I first broke off with my POA a year ago, I too had limited resources...just my therapist, my husband, and a book on spirituality. Those three things honestly kept me from POA and I went through withdrawal from seeing and talking to him. It was so hard...I actually ended up on academic probation because of it.
Over the summer, I finally realized I had an addiction and the 12 steps and fellowship with other addicts is what is allowing me to actually recover. Since I discovered the 12-steps and fellowship, I've been withdrawing from my other addictive behaviors (my indirect contact with him) and have begun to really face myself.
Are withdrawals only at the begininng of our loss or can they keep appearing during recovery?? I felt like I had them yesterday and today again, not as bad as the first 2 weeks but, I have headaches and mostly stomach aches. I didnt feel good at all, I was feeling depressed and missing my POA.
nena, if we keep reopening the wound withdrawals will keep coming back.
they will become less severe in time I think but only if we let go. very difficult for you, I know but maybe if you gradually manage to detach emotionally from him that will help you.
I had an emotional POA 15 yrs ago and I had to initiate NC for a while. maybe a year or so. there was always the danger I could bump into him but I knew which buildings to avoid at work. It'll get better over time.
I still care about him and think he does to altho' we never talked about anything intimate way back then even when we were spending hours together every day . but I was head over heels for a long time.
if he pays me a compliment nowadays ,even something like, 'Hey, you're looking good' I get butterflies and I might even start thinking 'what if...' but it's a fleeting feeling. I'm his FB friend and he has hundreds of contacts and I get slightly jealous when I see how popular he is and that I?m no longer part of his life but I sit with the pain for a few minutes and then move on quickly. no obsessing allowed.
hopefully the less I think about my current POA the better I will feel but I don't expect that I'll be able to forget him any time soon. i don't want to know what he's doing tho. that hurts far too much. dont want to know if his marriage is working or what he's doing at Xmas.
Last Xmas was hell for me at home and I escaped into his virtual arms. and cried on his shoulder in between messing around with him.
no wonder my marriage really suffered as a result. My girls spent Xmas day in tears because my H refused to go to my parents' for Xmas dinner where there would have been all their cousins. we had a simple meal interspersed with sobbing.
I ruined my parents' Xmas too. my whole family's Xmas. and my Dad had two heart attacks at the beginning of the New Year. not my fault I don't think but what my fight with my husband put my dad thru certainly didn't help.
I still have my wounds open of course, they hurt so much!! I was at some places this weekend where we used to go and it reminded me of him and all the "good" we did have, but I quickly switch to the "bad" to keep me from depressing. I think that is why I´m like this...also Xmas makes me feel like this about him, because I LOVE Xmas!.....I´m also obssesing about him and his new girl...its devastating for me..I wonder this or that?? and I know its pointless. The only thing I have access to is his hotmail profile and I saw a note that "she" posted calling him LOVE and that she ADORED him?? so I was like WHAT!! does he adore her also ?? does he tell her things like that...which really who cares..its about me not him anymore, right?
I think Im doing pretty good on NC, its been a month but I dread the idea of knowing about him..Im much better like this, so I know I will heal soon, Im trying my hardest. I hate feeling withdrawals...they take me back I feel and I dont want that, but I guess its a process.
My withdrawal started happening when my POA and I first started talking. I KNEW something was wrong(in between the limerance) but I couldn't accept it. His constant pulling back, hot and cold behavior, was mixed with "I love you's" and "You're stuck with me's" This guy has been in my life since 7th grade(40 yrs.) He has always wanted to be chased but not caught. And I always got bored and walked away eventually. Only I never got hurt because I was the one who walked. This changed and I became seduced in this time by his own admission. He wanted me, he stalked me, and though we were both married, he said the right things to get me this time. Then he began to pull back after we had a sexual encounter and it became apparent that he had problems. I naively wanted to "help" him overcome these problems and I was horny for the first time in my life(always morbidly obese, I had a gastric bypass and I am hot now.) I WANTED him! So I bought sexy clothes, and got myself dolled up, drove 6 hrs. to see him and.......he stood me up! He called 6 hrs. late and said he fell asleep! Never apologized. I hung up on him. I feel apart. I was in a big city, alone, and devastated. I had a panic attack, sweating, drove aimlessly around the city, crying so hard that I hyperventilated. I drove to a Hospital and tried to check in because I couldn't make it home. My insurance co. wouldn't let me in the hospital! I was suicidal! From somewhere deep inside me, I found the strength to drive home (6hrs. at night) arriving at 2 am. My husband talked me in the entire drive, although he didn't know why I had melted down. God bless him! I wish I could say that was the end, but I forgave him and let him hurt me even more for the next 6 months until I finally had enough. The final straw? I called him and told him that my husband was very ill and that I was suicidal. He said "Call me when you feel better" My insides screamed and chills went up my back. NARCISSIST! Sociopath. No guilt, no feelings. Dead inside. I have been NC since then. The withdrawal has been bad at times, but no where NEAR as bad as the reality of talking with him. Every day I am stronger.
MizTex, I relate so much. My exPoA would constantly stand me up for things he invited me to. The last one sent me off like no other. His response when I told him how that messed me up was, he did not have a contract with me, if he changes his mind he does not have to tell me. WOW...you can invite someone over for to rent movies, go to dinner, hang out OR, we can go to the ocean, leave tomorrow be back the next day...then not show up, call or answer to say something came up, before during or after something came up, because you don't have a contract with the person you invited. He did this from week one to the week 65. It baffles me how this was ok with me, it truly shows the extent of my addiction (would not let go no matter what). It does not baffle me how he was able to do this...no guilt, feelings, dead inside toward me, never did, the whole time it was a fantasy I tried to make real.
I'm so glad to be freed from the addiction/obsession today!!
Today may be sad, empty & uncertain (about how to fill the voids) but today is way better than the pain I endured daily because I would not let go.
Yes, Everyday we are stronger. So glad for you MizTex!
I like your comments. The ones I have read are very compassionate. You are truly a good person and I hope you are surrounded by healthy, nurturing people for the rest of your life. I also hope that the toxic people in the world would suddenly glow neon green so everyone would recognize them and avoid them.
Surprisinglly in my stage of recovery they ARE turning green and glowing neon!
Funny thing is that now I am in touch with my feelings (through doing LOTS of work on the "how are you feeling today' thread) my intuition is now working really well and effectively.
I literally feel NAUSEOUS when I am with someone who is toxic or acting toxic. I am no longer second judging my feelings. I am realising that 'Words whisper and Actions shout!. I think that we often WANT to believe what we are told rather than deal with the reality of others actions.
One thing I would like to add though. It would appear that although some people are toxic for us they may not be toxic for others - well other people who are better able to deal with them.
I have two friends who deal with one of my POA. To them he is just a little boy who wants to please and be admired. They laugh at him and aren't affected. He wants their attention but they just ignore or treat him normally. To me he is toxic. He will stand and stare at me with anger and hurt on his face. I get 'triggered' by him. Perhaps it is my need to be loved that is acting up but whatever it is I find him toxic.
Another group of friends are 'users' they only contact me when they want something. As a very giving person I got caught a couple of times. Other people don't! They either won't give or they do a trade! You don't get much for free with that group fo friends but some seem to know how to handle it. I get sucked in so i avoid them at all costs and if I see them it is a 'hi how ya going' and then move fast to the other side of the room and by my body language show them that I am not welcoming them to come any closer!
Gradually I have deleted all the neon glowing toxic people in my life. Now the challenge is to find healthy ones.
Funny thing was that my POA complained to me of the very same thing that I am experiencing. He was sad cos he felt that he was a 'total giver' and people took advantage of him. Am seeing that maybe what happened was that he met in me his IMAGO someone just like him and if frightened him.
Wonder where he is at right now in his growth! Will send him love and blessings.
Hugs to you all.
"Love doesn't have to hurt - If someone loves you, it should feel like they love you!"
my obession ingored me yesturday(forgive the misspelled works im writing with misty eyes, i finally got mad at him for ingoring my texts that i said thanks for ingoring me and told him that i reliaze we are not in a relationship and i need to get over that he ingored me. i turned off my phone yeah really turned it off! he told me wutever was easier. but the addicted part of me wanted him to bang on my door till i answered and demand my forgivness yeah right. i went 4 days without calling him and when i broke down and texted him there was a obession siteing everyday till fri. now he does not know me. i hate this so much i have started to hate my self, i buy him things do things 4 him i wud never put up with another guy. he is my weakness and being without him around me feels like i lost my heart somewhere. unbearable i tell him this and he ingores me.
Hi Perfect, for me, withdrawal is just another word for grief. And for me, there's a big overlap between grief for a POA and the grief of what the POA triggers from childhood or elsewhere.
My POA brought up grief about all sorts of things that had lain dormant; my husband being ill, seeing a bomb explode that killed people, being horribly bullied at work, old pain about my childhood. My POA was a huge conduit for me. So in withdrawal I was absolutely in withdrawal, but I was also in pain about all the other repressed things I'd experienced.
I continued to grieve as I worked the steps. Not in the intense way I had in the first awful stages of it, but I did grieve at times and was in pain at times. In a way I saw recovery as a place where finally I was able to process that deep pain I'd not been able to face even in therapy up to that point. 12 step gave me the ability and support to feel it and go through it. But saying that, I can also give you HOPE because I also started to feel much much better quite quickly. Yes, at times I still wept and struggled, but lots of the time I felt good and felt my self esteem growing, and I felt happy and well. About 2 months into recovery I spoke to my sponsor and said something about withdrawal, and she said "well you're through the worst of that now" I was surprised, but I thought about it and realised she was right, I wasn't singing and dancing by that stage, but at least I was enjoying things and food tasted good and my senses were acute again. Everything dulled for me so much in withdrawal. Now that's just my experience, others got through faster, others took longer, but it is temporary even with the pains that come after. You're doing great. Best. Primrose.
Only the ego can struggle, the soul lives in ease and joy.
My pain has pretty much gone. My sadness too. NOw I am left with a residual sadness and grief that none of my relationships in the past have been what I wanted and none of the men I have been with have given me the love that I wanted and deserved.
I don't have much contact with my POA and I dont stalk and I don't make an effort to find information. That helps. When a situation occurs I deal with it but I dont' think that I want to seek out more information or more contact. He simply is incapable of giving me what I want and that is ok.
Trust me the pain goes and you go through various stages, the one after this is awareness of your past relationships and grieving for the life you could have had. I believe that after this has passed we move on up a level and are more peaceful. I know I am HUGELY different to what I was a year ago. I was in CONSTANT pain and acting out. I was frantic.
Those day are gone
Hope it helps
"Love doesn't have to hurt - If someone loves you, it should feel like they love you!"