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Post by perfectday on Feb 28, 2010 0:16:13 GMT -8
Hi Glaciertraveler, yes, I compromised my values too and I think I would have done anything to keep him. So sad for us. Good luck with NC. Yes, it's a case of one day up, one day down isn't it? I think it helps when we've done it for a while and realise that the bad days aren't *every* day. There's always hope for an easier tomorrow. Inthemoment, that mindfulness stuff is, I believe, the key to a happy life ... quite apart from our addiction. But how hard is it? For me, the hardest. Bringing your mind back from the past, or what the PoA was all about, or fear of the future. I hope I will get better at it but when the thoughts are racing it takes a huge amount of self-discipline to get still.
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Post by jerome on Mar 1, 2010 14:41:22 GMT -8
I am going on 1 week of NC to my POA and I have been mildly depressed. I still think about her, but I try to limit my thoughts about her. However, I have been more present to my feelings how sad I am, and how empty I feel. I just get teary eyes getting present to it. I am hanging in there and praying that these feelings pass, any still think about my POA. I am being present to were I am at with my life and with my recovery. With each day of NC, I get stronger in recovery. I do have a constant feeling of anxiety which I am exploring as to what is the source of this....
(sigh)
J
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Post by glaciertraveler on Mar 1, 2010 20:11:50 GMT -8
Hi Jerome,
I can relate with the constant feeling of anxiety. Last Sunday, I felt like there was a knot in my stomach all day. I was so short-tempered with my son. I equated this feeling with how it might feel to withdraw from alcohol or another drug.
One positive thing that I'm finding about No Contact, is that, with space away from the relationship comes more clarity. For instance, during this last relationship, I was in a fog, trying to figure out all of the psychological reasons why this person was not good for me - he was selfish, narcissistic, love avoidant, etc. It was all about trying to analyze him.
Today, it occurred to me that I just did not like the way he treated me. Period. I always wanted him to treat me special and precious, which I am. This is treatment that I deserve from anyone (including from myself, for that matter). That's why I was so miserable...because I deserve so much more.
Interestingly, it also occurred to me that being with him was like dating a "Dementor" from the Harry Potter series (have you read about the Dementors?). I always felt like my happiness and joy - my soul - were being sucked out of me every moment that I was with him. Truly! That's what the Dementors do. It's a fate worse than death! Being with my ex-POA felt like I would die a slow death of my soul - unless I stood up for myself and LEFT. (as an aside, an interesting thing about the Dementors is that they suck their victims' souls out with a kiss...how appropriate. Author J.K. Rowling said that the Dementors in the series are a metaphor for the depression that she experienced after her divorce).
Anyhoo, I digress. Today, I indulged in an activity that I am truly passionate about - skied about two feet of new powder at my local ski hill. The entire time I was out there, I didn't think about him and I truly felt blissful. Although I'm in Day 4 of NC, I understand that part of my obsessive thinking comes from not filling my mind and soul with the things that I truly love - some of us are still trying to figure out what these things are - me included.
Tonight when I came home, I deleted him as a Facebook friend. I've been thinking about whether or not I should do it...I didn't want it to be a vindictive gesture - or a bomb. But as soon as I deleted him, I felt like I had taken another step of freedom. He talked about how much he loved me to the end and how he wanted to stay friends, however, now that I'm 4 days down the road, I am getting more comfortable with our break-up being forever. I want to treat myself better than settling for somebody who doesn't treasure me.
So, all my best to all of us withdrawing people. May God bless us all with clarity and the courage to continue on our course of recovery.
GlacierTraveler
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Post by Angel on Mar 2, 2010 8:08:22 GMT -8
Hahaha!
Dementors! Yep can relate to that analogy. I have several relatives who are like dementors - they can suck your sould from you and leave you feeling dead inside.
I love Harry Potter also love Discworld series too - it is like Harry Potter for adults.
Thanks for this, made me laugh
Angel
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vee25
Full Member
Posts: 247
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Post by vee25 on Mar 2, 2010 8:57:42 GMT -8
I relate to the part GT where your ex said he will always love you. My ex said the same in an email after i walked out on him and yesterday it played on my mind- it was quite painful but i've had 60 days of withdrawal now so its getting less intense.
I agree with you that i don't need the love of someone that i had to compromise my values in life for. Thank you for sharing that, its helped me today. Vee
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Post by inthemoment on Mar 3, 2010 20:02:09 GMT -8
Perfectday - sorry if I made it seem simple. I guess I should add that - most of the time I suck at mindfulness. Hard to tame a frenzied mind that's obsessing about everything!
On withdrawal, I had absolutely no contact for over two weeks, sent her a message about a minor incident I honestly didn't have to contact her about, and it was like picking at a scab - hurts and gets a little bloodied again, then has to scab over again, delaying the healing. Ugh.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Jul 9, 2010 12:13:55 GMT -8
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Post by kfpixie on Nov 1, 2010 20:16:29 GMT -8
I'm not sure if this is the right place to put this but oh man I'm going through withdrawal. I miss the high I get from fantasizing. I miss the feeling it gives me. The escape. The adrenaline rush. I'm coming off a drug. I've spent soooo much time fantasizing, imagining what my life will be like, believing if only I were dating so and so THEN my life would be awesome.
It's not true. That's my addict's brain coming out to play. And I know the deep peace and serenity I feel from turning over my addiction is infinitely better than fantasizing about some dude. That nothing in the external world will make me feel better internally. Higher power I give it to you!
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Post by kfpixie on Nov 1, 2010 20:16:57 GMT -8
I'm not sure if this is the right place to put this but oh man I'm going through withdrawal. I miss the high I get from fantasizing. I miss the feeling it gives me. The escape. The adrenaline rush. I'm coming off a drug. I've spent soooo much time fantasizing, imagining what my life will be like, believing if only I were dating so and so THEN my life would be awesome.
It's not true. That's my addict's brain coming out to play. And I know the deep peace and serenity I feel from turning over my addiction is infinitely better than fantasizing about some dude. That nothing in the external world will make me feel better internally. Higher power I give it to you!
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Post by Loveanimals on Nov 1, 2010 21:52:19 GMT -8
I'm having a hard time with withdrawal. Over the years I've replaced one POA with another. I was able to get through two days of NC two weeks ago yet then he pinged me and I saw him again last week, I went through two days again of NC and then pinged him with no response.
I thought could do it today yet I pinged him as my grandmother (whom I lived with) is dying, I'm so depressed and just wanted him to tell me he was sorry I was going through this and my gosh he can't even respond to that??!!!! I'm so disappointed. He tells me that he didn't use me for sex yet he won't take me out anywhere else other than sex and ignores me when I'm on my period?
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oldendances
Full Member
Newcomer Greeter
"Go Placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence"
Posts: 228
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Post by oldendances on Nov 3, 2010 5:16:35 GMT -8
Hello Bodyrolldancer,
I am sorry to hear that your grandmother is dying. It seems that these are the times we wish we could rely upon and lean on our POA the most. Let us know how you are doing.
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Post by Loveanimals on Nov 3, 2010 7:14:01 GMT -8
Hi oldendances,
My goal is that my daily happiness and unhappiness not be put on someone else if they decide to talk to me or not.
Thank you, my grandmother is still alive yet suffering, it's so hard to see her go through this pain.
Her nursing home is right next to his place so I think of him when I drive past, and I feel so neglected that he cannot even send me a text or IM saying he's sorry and wishes that she would be better. If I talk to him directly he'll say he received the message and is sorry to hear about that and other past pains I've gone through (another family member dying, breaking my foot, etc), yet his lack of direct response to my messages, unless it's to set up a meeting,is upsetting.
I feel like the only way I can get men to respond to me is if I say something sexual. Otherwise I'm ignored. Yet I've used my sex appeal to gain their attention so it's a viscious cycle. I've learned how to get attention from men sexually to manipulate them yet feel used. Yet it seems that with any other methods they don't pay any attention to me.
I'm reading the CoDA big book and that is helping.
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Post by love on Nov 6, 2010 7:16:31 GMT -8
Yes! I believe GOD is my biggest help on this..
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Post by mybestme on Nov 28, 2010 19:53:19 GMT -8
So...I am working hard on letting go of my POA as per my letter to myself yesterday. He is a Facebook friend and I need to delete him. The question is this...if i delete him, he will know it and may or may not contact me. It will create a small bit of drama and make a statement, whatever way he wants to perceive it. Yet, if he's still on my contacts I will see his posts and be tempted to view his page. So, obviously with my NC initiative it's better to cut him off.
I'm guessing the right thing is to just do it and get it over with and not worry about his thoughts on the matter. Since, my goal is to be 100% free. Does this make sense? Any quick thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks. MBM
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Post by mybestme on Nov 28, 2010 20:26:13 GMT -8
Ok..I just deleted him --- phew! Have no clue if he is going to ping me or not, but I have a game plan if he does...I will not engage or give explanations I will simply say, "please stop contacting me". And leave it at that. If he continues, I will ignore and have my number changed.
This feels powerful to me.
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Post by Loveanimals on Nov 28, 2010 20:42:49 GMT -8
Yes I agree you should delete him. I did the same. Why get the status updates and be so tempted to look on his page? Facebook is a love addict's nightmare! Good for you! I felt powerful blocking an ex-poa on Yahoo Messenger the other day
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Post by mybestme on Nov 29, 2010 4:29:30 GMT -8
Thanks...yes, it feels like the right thing to do. I have some more long days ahead of me, but I'm glad I made the decision.
MBM
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Post by buffy723 on Dec 17, 2010 15:49:36 GMT -8
I'm going thru major withdrawal. The pain is unbearable and is manifesting itself as anxiety. I have a lump and burning sensation in my throat. My heart feels tight. I have a headache. I'm so tired and drained.
Tomorrow will be two weeks since I left my husband. We have had no contact. I'm not contacting him but I want him to contact me and tell me he's sorry but he won't. He never does. I need to let this go.
The only way we would ever get back together is if I groveled up to him as I have in the past and been the one to admit my part in things and beg him to take me back, but I won't do that this time. Not going to happen. It can't happen. I have to stay on this board and be accountable so it doesn't happen.
This time it is over for good. No turning back. I have to move on and move forward. I feel like I'm at the turning point and I just need to get over this initial hurdle and turn the corner and I will see the light at the end of the tunnel. I really cannot wait until this anxiety subsides as I think it will be a huge break thru for me.
What I need help with is accepting this and forgiving myself and not beating myself up over this.
Accepting that I did the right thing by leaving. Accepting that I never should have married him in the first place. Accepting that I marrried him for all the wrong reasons. Accepting that I am okay alone and better alone than with someone like him. Accepting that there will be someone else better, in time. Accepting that he's not the only man out there that will want me. Accepting that it's okay not to have a man. Accepting that my life does not need to revolve around a romantic relationship.
I don't know why all this is so difficult for me. Anyone else would have been able to drop him years ago.
After less than two months into our relationship there were red flags. I should have ended it then. Instead I kept going back, hence three marriages to him and three divorces.
This is so pathetic. I can't believe I would do this. It's so not like me or like any of my past behavior or relationships. I wouldn't do this with anyone else. It's insane is what it is. Who does this? It's embarrassing too. Help me please.
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Post by melsoul on Feb 24, 2011 18:59:54 GMT -8
I cut off contact with my POA several months ago, but for the past two years I've had extreme anxiety (since I moved away and haven't seen him in person). I'm probably the only one who goes through this, I don't know, but I've felt so fearful that I made a terrible mistake, that my life will never be right or OK again without him, and everything reminds me of his absence. And we were never in a romantic relationship per se, and I'm in a much healthier relationship now--yet this anxiety hasn't subsided. I feel really crazy. Is this withdrawal? Or am I just nuts?
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Post by runrunrun on Apr 7, 2011 15:28:12 GMT -8
Why are the nights so bad? The daytime after a break up is fine for me. I keep busy and keep my mind off things. At night things slow down and the withdrawal pain sets in. I end up doubting my decision to break up with him. I end up regretting it and remembering only the good times. I have to remind myself that I was the one who wanted to end it and wanted to end it for a long time. I have to remind myself of all the reasons I wanted to end it. Now that I got what I wanted why am I not happy about it?
RUnrunrun
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Post by LovelyJune on Apr 8, 2011 3:41:38 GMT -8
Run, Breaking up is painful. For non-love addicts too. You probably feel as though you're not happy about your decision because you'd prefer to avoid the pain. The root cause of love addiction is that we remain in bad relationships because we want to avoid pain (we should really be called "Pain Avoidants" and not "Love Addicts.") SO...you have taken a very courageous step. You have decided to face the pain for a higher purpose (to save yourself from an unhealthy relationship, because you KNOW you deserve better, because you love yourself, etc.) Write out a list of ALL the reasons why you feel you needed to end the relationship. And refer back to it. We often forget when the pain gets to be too much. But hang in there! It gets so much better! But you need to be patient. We cannot go through life without pain, happy all the time. You have chosen to defer gratification because deep down, you know it will pay off.
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Post by runrunrun on Apr 8, 2011 3:51:32 GMT -8
Thanks for the advice. I will do that. And was actually considering it earlier. I was reminded of one of the reasons I broke it off with him just last night and I am so glad now that I ended that pain by leaving him.
Runrunrun
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Post by runrunrun on Apr 8, 2011 13:26:02 GMT -8
I went to do the list and had remembered I had done one a while ago when I was trying to figure out if I should break up with him. It was a list of all the things I would need changed in order to make it work out. I just went to that list and added all the more reasons I ended it.
He gave me more reasons today. I found out that he has been bad mouthing me to our mutual friends. Word got back to me about it. Then when confronted he made it seem like it was someone elses fault. When I talked to him he was digging for dirt on me. And trying to find out more stuff that he could turn on me. I cant talk to him anymore. With him he is always right and I am always wrong. So why do I bother?!
I start no contact today. My head hurts. I cant eat. My heart condition is acting up.
Runrunrun
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Post by Bo on Apr 8, 2011 14:42:52 GMT -8
Thanks for sharing RRR, I feel like I'm in the same boat. I am feeling the pain of withdrawal. The only difference is that I have maintained NC, just because I believe it is vital to break the cycle of Love Addiction, and I am so desperate to never return to the dark pit I had fallen into. I think it's more difficult at night partly because of the HALT triggers: (When we are Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired...the cravings or addiction symptoms take the opportunity to creep up on us. I have to be especially strong, halt and take care of the issues.)
I understand your frustration in communicating with the non-available. I think I would be in a no-win situation too, because the PoA's are so good at the dysfunction, they do not see it, because it is their life. Still my thoughts lately have been focused only on 'fond' fantasies of the PoA. I see it's all a delusion.
I keep forgetting to see the PoA's as the flu. I'm over the flu now, so why do I long for the symptoms all over again? Is it just so I can crawl under the blanket and drink hot tea? Hm, I don't need to catch the flu anymore, just to get cozy and drink hot tea!
Thanks LovelyJ for the reminder to make a list. (also for the reminder of the flu) Here's the reason why I let go of my PoA: - I was desperate and needy when I met him. - He fed my love addiction with no intention or ability to have a healthy committed relationship. - I am recovering now, he is not. - He is a sick fantasy from my past. - He really is a sick fantasy from my past.
I must keep moving forward since I have replaced the PoA's with a Power Greater than myself. The only thing I have now is Faith...maybe it's not such a bad thing. Faith and Recovery One Day at A Time.
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Post by runrunrun on Apr 8, 2011 18:56:05 GMT -8
Thanks for reminding me of the HALT idea. I have to remember that. Knowing the triggers is half the battle. I know night triggers me. So now I can be prepared.
Yep the list too. I remembered today that I had actually made the 'why I left him' list weeks ago. It was a list of things that must change in order for the relationship to work. I just added to it and now its my list.
Runrunrun
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Post by seekingserenity on Jun 22, 2011 8:03:49 GMT -8
I am having a bad withdrawal day...though I'm not sure there is any such thing as a "good" withdrawal day! I made it a whooping 2 days of NC, then I slipped last night on FB and commented to his post...which was a post referring to an inside joke between the two of us. I let the bastard get me.
So here I am, gutted...heart pounding....dry-mouth...on the verge of tears....again. And fantasizing....thinking that maybe he'll text me and ask me to meet with him to talk. Then I could take his face in my hands, stare him in those blue-green eyes, maybe trace my finger along that shiny gold star on his chest and show him how "mature" I am. That I haven't spoken to him in days because I realized that my supervisor left her husband for him...and that I know that no matter how much I love him, I cannot be part of that triangle...and who am I to stand in the way at their shot at happiness? After all, I'm still married...and that I have a lot of work to do before I can be free of that because I want to do it "right", and I don't want to drag him through my divorce because that would be unfair to him....but don't worry, we are still THE BEST of friends and if he needs someone to talk to, well I'm at his side because, well, I am just that awesome of a friend. Tell him all those things just to elicit feelings out of him...to make him look at me like I'm some sort of goddess. To walk away from it like I'm this totally rational, mature woman who makes really good decisions...and that would make him want me. naive fantasies....that's all it is. I know it isn't reality... I'm not special to him, I'm just one in a number... Yes, if I could do that, he would chase me. Then I could be right back to square one...wouldn't that be just freaking fabulous?! Please bring on the hurt, pain, chaos, turmoil! I'm begging you to let me continue to risk my sanity, my family, my job....my life....all for absolutely nothing.
stuff, stuffity, stuff, stuff, stuff. It is all stuff. Blah. I'm working on my thought stopping...and I figure maybe if I put the fantasy out there, maybe I'll be less compelled to act on it. I know myself. If I keep talking inside my head, I'll MAKE this fantasy come true....if I called him right now, he'd be willing to see me, of that I have no doubt. Another FB post intended to elicit a response out of me just went by....I soooo need to block him....I'll just keep praying to my HP to give me the strength to do that....just click that little "x".
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Jul 30, 2011 18:51:15 GMT -8
Thanks seekingserenity for your sharing. I certainly hope that you are rewarded for your courage in writing it out for all to see. I KNOW how confronting it is to admit to the content of my obsessive fantasies. They're just like yours. Reading yours I had the thought that when you say all this to him, in so many words- "....but don't worry, we are still THE BEST of friends and if he needs someone to talk to, well I'm at his side because, well, I am just that awesome of a friend. Tell him all those things just to elicit feelings out of him...to make him look at me like I'm some sort of goddess."
of course he doesn't see you as a goddess. He knows you better than that. He's been with you and seen how you really are when the chips are down and you are in full on desperate need. This is so me. I am so enlightened around my ex. So need-less. But he knows better than to fall for that line! He's not an idiot, he knows how needy I really am, how I fall apart regularly, how I get so angry when he does what he wants to not what I want him to. They know. That's why it doesn't work.
Last night and today I was in horrendous withdrawal. Well, not horrendous, but very uncomfortable. I'm glad I came here to post. I struggle with a lot of shame that I am still burrowing down into the garbage. I realised that I have made my ex my higher power and still believe it. I was remembering cute charming things about him, how he can be when he's happy and dancing to music. The feeling was like "I can't live without having this in my life" or even "This is the most meaningful thing I have found in my life" and I can add on to that now, "this wounded man with a big heart and a voracious appetite for drugs." I am risking just raving on here, but what the heck. I also realised that I don't really know how to let go. Don't even have a reference point for it.
So I'm going to give it up again to Life. As if Life isn't already taking care, but Life, if you can hear me, I surrender the control of you back to you. You are doing everything perfectly and that includes my whining and tantrum throwing that I can't have my PoA back in my life. Thank-you for keeping me in my home, for keeping me away from his house, for not letting me call him or text him. Thank-you for the friends i have who put up with my intense and needy ways, balanced up with avoiding and out-of-touch modes. Thank-you for helping me become aware that I need balance in my life. Thank-you for making me aware I need to be patient with myself. Thank-you for the healing I have had, for waking up to the choices I have. Thank-you for not making it easy. So I appreciate the mountain that addiction really is.
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Post by addie711 on Sept 1, 2011 19:43:11 GMT -8
This is the most agonizing pain I have ever had. My husband and I were separated for 10 months in 2009. At one point I had the courage to tell him to leave the house. I could not take his abuse of so many years anymore. He left and my misery started. I just did not think he was going to do it but had no problem leaving. A month after he was in love with someone else and did not want anything to do with me. I cried, cried all day and night, did not eat, did not sleep. I felt like dying. I lost my job at the same time. We worked together and he told everyone in the office our situation so I lost my job. He had been there many more years than me.
The anxiety I felt was so bad and I discovered that drinking wine would help me calm down. That was a big mistake. I was drinking heavely daily. I was a mess and about to lose my house because I had no money. I drank and stayed in bed all day. Then I started going out looking for a replacement in all the wrong places....bars.
His life did not work out the way he wanted. He tried to date 3 different girls and none of them liked him back. Then he also lost his job and decided to come back. I was very aware that I was his last choice but I could not deal with the emotional pain so took him back. Now I hate myself for doing that. I am not kidding I felt that if I did not have him back in my life I was not going to survive and I was just going to destroy myself with my behavior.
This is why I am here tying to understand what is wrong with me , trying to get strong so I can finally walk out of this situation without feeling the way I felt before.
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Post by LovelyJune on Sept 2, 2011 2:48:35 GMT -8
addie711, Glad you're here! Your first and most important order of business is to start reading and learning about love addiction and how important it is to build up your self esteem. When we are that dependent on another human being (let alone one that is abusive) it means we never learned to grow up or take care of ourselves, so we are still looking for a parent to take care of us. But you're not a child anymore. You're a grown woman. It's time to learn to stand on your own and be OK with that. Here's a great link on how to START recovery. laarecovery.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=lovenes&action=display&thread=5228&page=1
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Post by addie711 on Sept 2, 2011 6:15:13 GMT -8
Thank you for your message. It never occurred to me that this problem of mine might be related to inmaturity. That is very interesting. This site has saved my life. For the first time I am beginning to understand myself and why I act the way I do. Thank you so much!
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