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Post by beancounter999 on Sept 18, 2011 15:34:59 GMT -8
“To be without the relationship – that is, to be alone with one’s self—can be experienced as worse than being in the greatest pain the relationship produces, because to be alone means to feel the stirrings of the great pain from the past combined with that of the present.” Robin Norwood
This is worst than the pain of being in the relationship. One day at a time...
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Post by nvr2late on Sept 19, 2011 6:26:40 GMT -8
“To be without the relationship – that is, to be alone with one’s self—can be experienced as worse than being in the greatest pain the relationship produces, because to be alone means to feel the stirrings of the great pain from the past combined with that of the present.” Robin NorwoodThis is worst than the pain of being in the relationship. One day at a time... Hoo boy, isn't that the truth!! Lately I'm realizing that this is pain I really really need to embrace and learn from. |
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Post by happyberry on Sept 19, 2011 7:26:15 GMT -8
yeah I realized my love addiction had a WHOLE LOT to do with immaturity.
Basically, withdrawal is insanely painful. You think "this can't possibly be what they meant" and start to think it's something worse...maybe even think you SHOULD contact your PoA bc this pain is too great.
that's withdrawal. it seems unbelievable that anyone else in the world would go through this.
And you know what? It's a GIFT!
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Post by newlifeinprogress on Sept 19, 2011 8:49:14 GMT -8
The good news is that IT SHALL COME TO P-A-S-S!!!  After about a year of painful withdrawal I can say I've finally recovered from the pain and have broken its insanity cycle w/ the help of God and this board. Acceptance is a great recovery tool! |
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Post by beancounter999 on Sept 19, 2011 15:32:00 GMT -8
Hard to see it as a gift right now happyberry..lol. But I know you are right...it is to be embraced. I am glad that I am beyond the victim/blame stage and am looking within for answers. I have been here before and not learned from it...although I swore I would. I would immediately jump into another "relationship". I have promised myself, as tempting as it is, to be single for at least 6 months or so.
NewLife, I'm so glad to hear that you have recovered! I wondered if people really did. A year of withdrawal seems like an eternity! What worked for you? Where did you struggle? Have you stayed single or found a healthy relationship?
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Post by newlifeinprogress on Sept 20, 2011 10:25:49 GMT -8
NewLife, I'm so glad to hear that you have recovered! I wondered if people really did. A year of withdrawal seems like an eternity! What worked for you? Where did you struggle? Have you stayed single or found a healthy relationship? Hi thank you for being glad for me. By having faith and letting go and letting God, I've recovered from unhealthy attachment, broken the insanity cycle, not acting out and I don't have a POA anymore in this new life! :-) Yes it seems too long but it's worth the journey! 6 months before coming here + about 9 months of learning here and there, so after a year and a quarter the withdrawal has come to pass! Thank God! What worked for me is surrendering to God, doing NC, the 12 steps, the support of this great community and a lot of personal work in my recovery such as praying, sitting w/ my emotions, being active, having my own life, journaling, reading sensible books, having good hobbies, etc. I struggled in almost every aspect from obsessive and (once in a while) suicidal thoughts to acting out like stalking, (unintentional) manipulation, urge to rescue, caretake, and non-stop texting, etc. I'm purposely staying single and enjoying it to the max! I have new and old friends who are healthy! |
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Post by akinrecovery on Oct 15, 2011 12:49:57 GMT -8
Hi,
I am new to program. My name is Anita and I have just sent a note to the POA that I dont want any contact. This is my 3rd withdrawl. My first one had panic attacks and I found my God in them. Not sure what will have happen this time but I feel sick in the stomach region. This sometimes brings up tears for me. I rather be in withdrawl then feel nothing. When I withdraw I grow no matter how painfull it is and that gives me of much energy I dont know what to do with it accept turn it towards myself. I am 42 never married and I just had the same thing over and over again, the men wondered off. This man I am withdrawing from held me hostage emotionally and wondered off. Luckily I never had sex but I thought about it. I have neumerous times in my fantasies. I dont need the fantsies, I need some friends to write to. I hope I can find the friends and I 'd like to recover from the pain of my empty childhood. No one was there for me. I remember as a child I took care of myself bty talkinf to myself but I lost that somewhere perhaps shame!!. I try talking to myself now and wish to do that more off again
Thanks
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Post by Loving My Life on Oct 15, 2011 14:42:59 GMT -8
akinrecovery, welcome to the LAA forum, you will find alot of knowledge and support on here. Can you go to the newcomers thread and tell us your story, and your goals. And it does take time for the withdrawals to pass, but we can if we just keep moving forward. do you go to any 12 step meetings? AA?, AL-Anon?, or Co-dependent? meetings. Your not alone, we are here for you. One Day @ A Time. We are all glad your here. keep posting.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Oct 15, 2011 16:08:02 GMT -8
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Post by greeneyes on Dec 27, 2011 21:24:01 GMT -8
Last night I cried on my knees for a good 20 minutes and remembered many nice times I had with E, who I last emailed 13 days ago. I felt like I wanted to call her or email her but instead I looked at my notebook where I had written down some painful moments which were increasing in the last couple of months and did not contact her. I made two program calls and today got to two SLAA meetings. On the computer I accidently saw an e-mail remembered by my computer (which my daughter used to own) of my POA (married women-mother of daughter's friend) from almost two years ago. I'm feeling alot of fear that this is on here and i wish I knew how to erase it now-I'm feeling that addictive rush to contact her and a sick feeling in my stomach. To escape the pain of my last relationship by contacting an even more destructive and pain inflicting partner-this is insanity    I'm going to sleep with the radio on. If anybody knows how I can get this off let me know-it's in the yahoo mail but on this computer. |
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Post by addicted on Dec 28, 2011 4:26:56 GMT -8
I feel for you greeneyes-I remember the terror of being possibly found out. And the pain of it all and substituting one pain for another. It does get better with time -I promise.
As far as the computer how about deleting the email on the yahoo mail site-then deleting it from the trash or wherever it puts deleted mail.
Hang in there -you are not alone.
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Post by twinsig on Dec 28, 2011 11:04:31 GMT -8
yep, withdrawl is HARD to get through! had to use an old flash drive last night...and theres some old photos of my POA, me, my daughter. I broke down again, almost like i did on Christmas Day. But I'm hanging on to the Lord, He is there for us always and loves us especially when we are so distressed.
Lets all keep on going forward, saying positive things about ourselves and our future!
We will make it!
We will be okay!
We will be restored!
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Post by leighanne885 on Dec 28, 2011 14:54:10 GMT -8
Greeneyes,
Thinking about all the wonderful times we had together- is what really gets me. It leaves me feeling empty, hollow, and beyond sad. Thinking about those times then leads me to think about all the times we WONT have now that he's gone, which is equally if not more painful. This is the fantasy aspect of my addiction. Whether I'm romanticizing the relationship or not, I'm not quite sure yet. Nothing changes the fact that he isn't with me. This withdrawal and NC is the hardest thing I've ever done.
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Post by alone51 on Dec 28, 2011 15:08:04 GMT -8
As a new member, I just have to add my two cents here. A lot of posts I've read on these boards are from folks trying to get over and withdraw from actual relationships that have ended or gone bad. Some of these relationships were with abusive partners while others were extramarital affairs. Maybe mine is not so dramatic as some, but what about the rest of us who are pining after an unrequited love? Relationships that never happened? In my case, there is a young woman, 42 (I'm 51), who has been a platonic friend for several years, and I've recently found myself wanting to be more than friends. She doesn't have a boyfriend and she's never been married. Unfortunately, she doesn't feel the same way about me. As a result of the signals I've put out, she has pulled away. I mention this situation, because it raises that age-old question, Is it better to have something and lose it or never have it at all? I've never had sex with this girl (or any other girl for that matter - yes - I'm still an involuntary virgin), so I can't imagine what is worse - experiencing a relationship with someone for a period of time, or never being in the relationship to begin with. I know I may be in a different category on this board, especially because of my age (most guys my age have grown kids or are on their second marriage :  . But this is not the first time I've fallen in love (and lust) with a woman who seems to like me in every respect other than romantically or sexually. So here I go again, trying to let go of a fantasy and salvage a friendship without losing my mind when I eventually find out she's met someone and is sleeping with him. Every girl I've gone out with in the past has slept with the guy before me and after me, but not me. I'm always the guy in between with whom they just want to be friends. My torment comes from knowing that these guys don't lie in bed at night wondering what it's like to make love to the girl in question, because they're actually experiencing it. For me, it's always a Big Mystery of Life of why I can't seem to cross that friendship line with women. |
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Post by Loving My Life on Dec 28, 2011 15:26:58 GMT -8
alone51, do you think if you tell them your 51 and still a virgin, some ladies might get nervous about that. I know I would. So maybe when you see a women your interested in, dont tell them this, wait until after the fact. not judging this is just my opinion.
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Post by greeneyes on Dec 28, 2011 17:50:31 GMT -8
addicted- I meant "email address" but it's not an issue I have not thought once about W and my only thoughts about her was how mean she was and how hurt I was to the point where I attempted suicide
alone51-to answer your question, I would say it's better to have loved and be hurt afterwards than not have had it at all
I have wonderful memories of E and am thankful we had the relationship. She brought experience with golf and camping which were really fun activities we did together. Our lovemaking was usually fulfilling for both of us, though the last few months I felt like it was too important to her and I felt intimidated that i could not possibly perform to her physical expectations-this was more painful when she on more than one occasion belittled my performance.
leighanne- thanks for your support...I know the memories are powerful and I long for how good I often felt with her. But there were too many signs I choose to ignore that she was not present emotionally, had little patience for my character defects and was cold and calculating in discussing a future living situation where a contract would be drawn up that would benefit her.
It's two weeks tonight that I emailed her, we used to email alot on Wednesday nights. But her response was so cold and detached: "we had some good times" and the fact that she has made no effort to contact me shows that while I am thinking of contacting her, she has moved on, as she was never really in it that deep emotionally. It's painful but it's reality. To contact her now would 1) cause me more pain and 2) delay my healing process. I have to let go. Today I felt down and depressed today but under that is really grief and sadness as well as self-pity. My old voices tell me 'this always happens women get sick of me, because I'm so needy.' Well, at least I was the one that ended the relationship because I saw how painful it was to stay in it. But I sure am feeling pain now.
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Post by addicted on Dec 28, 2011 18:06:31 GMT -8
I too am hurting at the ease with which my POA APPARENTLY had letting go of me. The truth is that I don't really KNOW that it is easy for him -he could be suffering -but I doubt it. His last email was cold too -I saved it for re-reading in week moments. I am about a month in NC and don't want to break it now. Hang in there greeneyes -it gets easier.
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Post by alone51 on Dec 28, 2011 23:29:57 GMT -8
Carolyn, I've never told any of these women that I'm still a virgin. Why would I? That would only make me look even more pathetic. In fact, if I were to ever meet a woman who wanted to sleep with me and enter into a long-term relationship, I doubt I would ever reveal this secret. There are only two people in my life that know this about me, and those are two male friends whom I've known for many years. But I do appreciate your advice  . You confirmed what I already figured was the smart thing. alone51, do you think if you tell them your 51 and still a virgin, some ladies might get nervous about that. I know I would. So maybe when you see a women your interested in, dont tell them this, wait until after the fact. not judging this is just my opinion. |
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Post by greeneyes on Dec 29, 2011 16:21:33 GMT -8
Miserable day. No matter how many dozens of times I'd say some form of the 3rd Step Prayer within seconds or a minute I'd be under that dark cloud of helplessness blues, despair, self-pity, sadness and loneliness. I feel like it was my neediness and dependence that handicapped the relationship and that no matter how many times I've worked the steps, I'm hard wired to be this way. I wish I could find some woman to hug, but I know that's partly my inner child that was neglected as a kid and partly my addict wanting to enmesh before I heal. Understanding it does not make the pain go away. I still don't regret being in the relationship. I have no desire to drink (3 years) or act out sexually (almost 2 years.) Maybe seeing my daughter's basketball game will jolt me out of this despondent mood...then a meeting.
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Post by Havefaith on Dec 29, 2011 16:33:24 GMT -8
Yes, in a sense we are hard-wired -- our brains are in such addictive mode, so used to our patterns of thinking, it seems to go into 'default mode' of obsessive/compulsive thinking. It takes a tremendous amount of energy and willingness to change our patterns of thinking.
HaveFaith
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Post by alone51 on Dec 29, 2011 17:02:42 GMT -8
Greeneyes,
I've been going through the same thing with my situation today. Despite telling myself the 'logic' of everything that has happened (or in my case - hasn't happened), my fantasy continues to prevail along with my obsessing and coulda-shoulda-woulda scenarios. I went for a jog today as the weather was beautiful (77 degrees), and it felt good to burn off some energy and anxiety. But all I could think about is how wonderful it would be to have to have 'W' beside me.
Reading your post reminds me that I'm not the only one feeling lost, depressed, and even abandoned. I'm not religious, so I don't pray or believe in any kind of supernatural higher power (other than my own fortitude). Taking it day by day is what works for me and trying to believe that this too shall pass.
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Post by Havefaith on Dec 29, 2011 17:13:17 GMT -8
No, alone51 -- you are not alone in your feelings. You have an entire forum of folks here going through some tough stuff. Some of what we struggle with is addiction - some is a lonely-hearts syndrome - some is simply the human condition.
And yes, day by day is the way to go. Anything other than one day at a time is too much for me!
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Post by greeneyes on Dec 30, 2011 19:02:09 GMT -8
sat in my car for a half hour unable to move after work...got thru paying some bills with some soothing despairing old tapes: chameleons, smiths, the cure...keep seeing my fantasy girls: asian, in their twenties, beautiful faces, don't speak much english and realize they're just drugs and I'm getting better at recognizing that I have to let them pass and not get overwhelmed by those drugs released in my brain when I look into their eyes ...i need to time to heal but have little patience...tonight I'm melancholy...tomorrow I'll get to two meetings and fellowship...felt a little hope after last nights meeting...withdrawal sucks
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Post by Havefaith on Dec 30, 2011 20:43:38 GMT -8
Your fantasy 'girls' -- they are human beings, with feelings -- somebody's daughter, friend, sister. They have their struggles and victories with every day life. When we stop objectifying people and see them as fellow, sacred human beings (and not just fodder for our addictive little fantasies), it takes some of the obsession away. Try it.
HaveFaith
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Post by Runfree on Jun 12, 2012 21:07:05 GMT -8
My POA does not want to be with me, its me who keeps wanting to be with him. He abuses me and yet I hate the rejection. I go to therapy and I try to do the steps but I find myself breaking NC all the time. Why can't I see him as a narcissist and a selfish person.
I am also starting to make excuses for him such as ....he has every right to ignore me and lie to me as its me who keeps wanting something more. He ll lie that he wants to try again but I only get crumbs from him....help
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Post by Loveanimals on Jun 12, 2012 21:15:55 GMT -8
Hang in there, focus on NC even by the minute if you need to. Make an hour turn into a day.
You deserve so much more!
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Post by Runfree on Jun 12, 2012 21:50:04 GMT -8
Thanks!
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honey
Junior Member
Newcomer Greeter
Posts: 70
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Post by honey on Jun 15, 2014 14:58:07 GMT -8
I am too much in the pain of withdrawal , I dont know what to do. I cry about 2 hrs every night before sleeping like someone who lose her mother. I am not in any relationship now but I feel an extreme emptiness and unworthiness deep inside. I moved from my home country to canada to do my PhD here,and I live on my own. I am 28 and passed 7 unhealthy relationship and rejected a good man becouse he wasnt handsome as I always dreamed a man to be. and I dont know why I cant tolerate love, I rejected him and soon I moved away from the country to be very very far form love. IT
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Post by Loveanimals on Jun 15, 2014 21:00:44 GMT -8
Hi honey,
That is no way to live and I can totally relate.
Are there other activities you can do to tolerate the distress? I have a recovery toolbox of reading, exercising, taking a nice long bath, holding an ice cube for high distress tolerance.
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Post by CodepNomore on Jun 15, 2014 23:48:49 GMT -8
Hi honey, I am sorry to hear that. I was in similar situation when I was 29 years old and actually until now, my work brings me far away from home and other familiar people and places. What I do in times like this is to spend much time with my HP; read nourishing books; do things that I enjoy; and meet new people. Please know that we are here for you and you are not alone in the pain of withdrawal. Keep coming here and let us know how you are doing. Thank you. Take care |
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I'm going to sleep with the radio on. If anybody knows how I can get this off let me know-it's in the yahoo mail but on this computer.
. But this is not the first time I've fallen in love (and lust) with a woman who seems to like me in every respect other than romantically or sexually. So here I go again, trying to let go of a fantasy and salvage a friendship without losing my mind when I eventually find out she's met someone and is sleeping with him. 
. You confirmed what I already figured was the smart thing.
