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Post by Cynthia on Dec 1, 2014 23:38:26 GMT -8
I've been in "withdrawal" for ten months. I've read how people say they feel better. I wonder what am I doing wrong? Why am I not feeling better? Shouldn't i be better by now? What more do I have to do? It's overwhelming and frustrating to not find someone who understands this. I've gone to Al Anon but it just isn't doing it for me right now.
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Post by wip on Dec 2, 2014 4:34:28 GMT -8
Hi cynthia the key to surviving withdrawal is to keep yourself busy. It has been about 10 months for me and there are times that I do think about my poa but they happen very rarely and don't last long or make me upset. Recovery doesn't have to be boring or sad - you just need to make yourself get up and do stuff. Some things that I did: - because I lost a lot of friends through my addiction I had no one to do stuff with. I got really involved in my local Meetup group and attended events almost weekly - played sport - reading You need to keep your self busy. Get a hobby and in time you'll see the thoughts of your poa diminish.
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Post by CodepNomore on Dec 2, 2014 10:52:11 GMT -8
Welcome cynthia, So for 10 months you have been doing "No Contact" and not feeling better? Perhaps you haven't replaced the addiction/longing with things you truly enjoy. You need to relax your mind. Treat yourself right and well. Pamper yourself. Sometimes we just need to slow down and refresh. Also, we have different timing and process in recovery. Some feel better after a year or more. Anyways, take it easy. Enjoy your personal discovery journey.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Dec 2, 2014 13:21:47 GMT -8
I've been in "withdrawal" for ten months. I've read how people say they feel better. I wonder what am I doing wrong? Why am I not feeling better? Shouldn't i be better by now? What more do I have to do? It's overwhelming and frustrating to not find someone who understands this. I've gone to Al Anon but it just isn't doing it for me right now. It takes longer for some people because they are Torchbearers. See our thread for this.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Dec 2, 2014 13:22:11 GMT -8
I've been in "withdrawal" for ten months. I've read how people say they feel better. I wonder what am I doing wrong? Why am I not feeling better? Shouldn't i be better by now? What more do I have to do? It's overwhelming and frustrating to not find someone who understands this. I've gone to Al Anon but it just isn't doing it for me right now. It takes longer for some people because they are Torchbearers. See our thread for this.
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Post by AdAstra on Mar 26, 2016 4:07:36 GMT -8
I'm scared. I'm on day two through withdrawal and my mornings are hell. I feel terrified that I'm alone and I have no one to talk to (which is not true my mom and my best friend will talk to me and also meetings) I keep thinking my POA is happy without me and he's going to have sex with a bunch of women and be happy. (Which again I have to talk myself out of it saying he's not happy he's destructive ) I hate the anxiety withdrawal is giving me but I don't want to go back to him ever it was a nightmare.
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Post by CodepNomore on Mar 26, 2016 5:15:40 GMT -8
Welcome AdAstra, You made the right decision of starting no contact. Yes, withdrawal is tough right now. (Even for me.) But it's all worth it. You deserve so much better. You are not alone. We are here to support you. What are you doing to replace him in your head/life? What are you doing for your self-care?
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Post by AdAstra on Mar 26, 2016 9:04:10 GMT -8
Welcome AdAstra, You made the right decision of starting no contact. Yes, withdrawal is tough right now. (Even for me.) But it's all worth it. You deserve so much better. You are not alone. We are here to support you. What are you doing to replace him in your head/life? What are you doing for your self-care? I'm going to a meeting today and hopefully get numbers and maybe get a sponsor. I want to text him but I know better. I have no life now and I have just been reading the boards a lot it makes me feel better that there is people here with the same issues. This addiction took everything away. I couldn't hold a job because of the obsessing and I'm moving back in with my parents for awhile. I feel like I have no life now and I'm really bored. I have things planned on the evening. In the morning it's really tough I wake up and terror and despair consume me like I'm dying.
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Post by CodepNomore on Mar 26, 2016 18:44:49 GMT -8
Hi AdAstra, That is a great idea of attending a meeting and looking for a sponsor. Yes, I remember many years ago when I was still in addiction, I did not have life of my own. However, a cancer survivor had shared with me about the love of God and how he created us for a purpose. I also pursued a lot of self-development and interests. I studied more and more and learned new hobbies as well. I got involved in helping people and learned to enjoy a purpose-driven life. So what are your interests or hobbies you may want to have? When I wake up, I pray, read, and meditate and it helps. I also journal important reminders, lessons I am learning each day. I really hope you will feel better. Take care.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Mar 28, 2016 7:38:27 GMT -8
Fear feels eternal but that is an illusion. It has a life span. It comes and goes. It will pass and you will be in a better place. I used to be terrified until I had my spiritual awakening, until I found the "peace of God that passes all understanding." [From the Bible]
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Post by stopdigging on Jun 10, 2016 4:56:48 GMT -8
This pain is horrible. I'm trying to go no-contact with my POA. I made it a 4 days, then she contacted me - so irate that it got me to re-engage, but I firmly told her that it was truly over. Now she is in anguish - she is an addict too and going through her own withdrawal (but doesn't know that's what it is). She is in such anguish, begging, pleading, apologizing for everything that went wrong and wanting another chance. I'm trying to be strong and not respond, but it's so hard with each additional note. I do care about her deeply - it's been a long relationship - and I'm in major pain my self and when I see the pain she is in I want to fix it...to be there for her and hold her hand and tell her it will be ok she just needs to ride it out. I have a therapist, this board, and some help that she doesn't have. But man, these notes I'm getting are like daggers in my heart. We were both good people who's relationship became dysfunctional and toxic because it was driven by addition. There's a song quote "You'll just be someone I knew if I can just get through day 1" That's how I feel right now.
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Post by shamz11 on Jul 1, 2016 0:00:59 GMT -8
I am sorry for your pain and can relate to the feeling of wanting to save the other person. This was how my last poa had me hooked. I anted to save him to be the one person who was not like everyone else and so like a spoilt child I gave him everything he wanted when he wanted it. Just to make him feel better. But I can't save him he has to acknowledge that he has an addiction and he needs to want help. He actually said to me that he doesn't need help, sex made him feel better. That made him happy. I use to fall for that but I eventually had nothing left to give and when we did hook up it was causing me pain, and was physically unsafe and harmful.
It's admirable that you have the urge to help her but you have to be the priority right now. You have to save yourself, now. and that's not selfish. It may just be the most loving thing you can do right now.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Jul 2, 2016 7:30:10 GMT -8
I am sorry for your pain and can relate to the feeling of wanting to save the other person. This was how my last poa had me hooked. I anted to save him to be the one person who was not like everyone else and so like a spoilt child I gave him everything he wanted when he wanted it. Just to make him feel better. I identify with this. I felt sorry for my ex-husband and the other men I took care of. I also refused to leave him because I projected my own fear of abandonment on to him and could not abandon him. This is all part of the disorder we call love addiction. I still do this with my son. I am obsessed with taking care of him. This disease is insidious. As the say in AA, "cunning, baffling and powerful." Hang in there and keep doing the right thing. I am so proud of you.
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Post by Loveanimals on Jul 2, 2016 9:50:01 GMT -8
I have found that No Contact = No New Pain.
I have blocked POAs from every form of communication. With so many iPhone apps out there, this will include blocking from multiple apps. I even did that and had a POA write me from a fake Female Facebook account. Some are just relentless, and it's easy to get sucked back in to that thinking "oh he must really love me".
No, it's unhealthy, two unhealthy people who are codependent and need to be alone to work on their own recovery.
You can be strong and not read those messages, just block!
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Post by lansing on Aug 19, 2016 15:02:24 GMT -8
Hi... I'm new to this site.
I just today sent an email to my POA saying goodbye.
It was someone I met online and within 3 weeks flew to her home to meet her. And I'm married with 4 children. Although it's only been about 2 months since we met, as an addict my feelings don't seem to know that
I'm terrified of the withdrawal but it's nice to that I'm not alone
I'm so happy this forum exists.
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Post by Kavetra on Aug 23, 2016 9:11:31 GMT -8
I need some help and advice. I have read a lot ob books such as "Women who Love too much and why they keep waiting for him to change" (Revolutionary for any love addict) I have read Pia Melodys books on codependance and Love Addiction. I'm now reading the "Surviving Withdrawl The Breakup Book for Love Addicts" I start counseling on the 30th with a Love Addict Therapy Specialist. Im also joing S.L.A.A. but my question is how do you heal from love addition when your POA is your husband and you have a 4 year who loves his father. I mean do I have to divorce and break up our home? This will destroy my son. I DESPRATELY want to stop this addiction but I dont want my son to be a casualty. I would love to hear from anyone who is beating this addiction while still married or is that possible.
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Post by Richard on Apr 23, 2017 5:11:48 GMT -8
Just broke up after 16 months, tried everything to keep relationship together, i believe it was toxic and she may have been somewhat narcisistic. starting going on family trips without me and i felt left out, til one day i told her how she neglected me and misstreeated me, her response was to leave me
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Post by Susan Peabody on Apr 23, 2017 18:54:37 GMT -8
Just broke up after 16 months, tried everything to keep relationship together, i believe it was toxic and she may have been somewhat narcisistic. starting going on family trips without me and i felt left out, til one day i told her how she neglected me and misstreeated me, her response was to leave me Welcome Please register and log in. Thanks.
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Post by MikeLA on Dec 25, 2017 1:26:52 GMT -8
I am currently in deep withdrawal and the pain is unbearable. I am a complete mess, I cannot sit still the thoughts are going crazy. The thoughts of why my POA backed out, she really wanted this, she gave me the affection and love I needed and then stopped. I have not started NC yet I am in the middle of talks with her. I feel so betrayed and used. I hate her for what she did, if I think about it carefully I got attached quickly. I sent her a message and waiting for her response, this really sucks. I know that it is going to end all together and I will need to start NC, I know there is a terrible storm ahead and I have to go through it. I have to carry on with my life carrying the pain and burden that I have to hide from people.
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Post by MikeLA on Dec 26, 2017 5:11:10 GMT -8
How long did it take? What were some of the emotions and how do you feel about your POA now?
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Post by MikeLA on Dec 26, 2017 5:43:47 GMT -8
At home alone and the thoughts are starting again. I feel like contacting my POA in an attempt to ease the pain. I started looking at girls on social media thinking about which I like. I think at this point I just want the pain to end, it is seriously on another level. Almost like a poison, a mental torment.
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Post by MikeLA on Dec 26, 2017 7:41:06 GMT -8
I just went through a few intense withdrawals, I feel like a drug addict who needs his fix. I added her number and then thought to myself what am I doing she is treating me like a doormat right now. She used to love texting me and now it is a bother for her. I feel used and hurt.
I consider myself a man with a lot to offer I just land up offering it to the wrong women. This will teach me to be more careful in future.
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Post by Havefaith on Dec 26, 2017 8:31:28 GMT -8
I just sent a message to a fellow recovering Love Addict -- these are some excerpts of what I wrote and it may apply to you, as well (edited for privacy of the person) --
"I would tell you this -- no matter what you are dealing with right now (or ever), do NOT fall back into fantasy-thinking. As Love Addicts, it's our 'Achilles Heel' and can set us back.
Keep it (everything) real. Don't let your thoughts live and loop around in your mind, because as a Love Addict, we can easily create 'fantasy bonds' -- and we need objective people in our lives to help us poke holes in our fantasies (my therapist helps me with this). I know what you are feeling with POA because I've also lived it (the fantasy, the desire, the obsessive thinking) and I also know if it is not based on reality, it is us going back to fantasy thinking to soothe ourselves (much like the alcoholics who go to liquor to soothe themselves).
Keep it real, real, real. Put down the drug of fantasy thinking -- stay away from it, just as a recovering alcoholic has to stay away from liquor. "
HaveFaith
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Post by MikeLA on Apr 29, 2018 2:20:36 GMT -8
The Pain of Withdrawal
When withdrawing from a person who used to give you amazing highs you feel low and lost. You start thinking about what would make you feel better, sending them a message, hearing from them. It is a temporary solution but long term it is destructive. I get attached to people who are avoidants, the moment they receive love and affection they start to backtrack and push you away. When this happens your inclination is to pull them closer to you and by doing this you push them away even more.
Once you learn this pattern you start to recognize it and there are signs that this person is toxic for you. Yet you keep on trying to pull them because it feels so good. You will not change the person they are not meant for you, they will ruin you the longer you allow it to happen.
The pain is intense and can occur in waves, you need to sit through it and don't do anything you will regret later. Steer clear of your POA you need to get over them because your life depends on it.
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Post by tracer on Jul 17, 2018 3:06:30 GMT -8
Been reading thru these posts and I am definitely in withdrawal right now. Have been for a few weeks. I'm in NC for a week now, secretly hoping my POA will come back but she hasnt. I keep checking my phone for texts, calls, emails but nothing. Its so difficult for me to understand how someone who seemed so interested can just shut it off and walk away from someone. A little history on the situation: we met on a dating site, she told me she was looking for someone who didnt drink as her ex was a fall down drunk. I am sober 30 years. What she didnt tell me until a few dates in was that she was a daily pot smoker. Initially prescribed for sleep but she was using it every day when not at work and all day on weekends. As a recovering alcoholic I could not be around a daily pot smoker as it was triggering for me. She told me she had addiction issues herself and had been to AA in the past and the pot keeps her away from alcohol. She wishes she could stop but it really helps her so she is not willing to. I did tell her there was another way to live without substances but she was not interested and now she is gone. Given her addictive personality I would think my initiating NC would trigger her to come back but it hasnt so I am in big time withdrawal. cant sleep, crying at work, walking up in the middle of the night in panic. Beating myself up because I dont want to be around someone who smokes pot every day as it triggers my own addiction, feeling like I am the one with the problem. Its hard for me to understand why someone who knows she is dependent on a substance but also wants a healthy relationship wouldnt want to take a look at her own addiction and be with someone who is in recovery. I've been working steps on this but my head is still spinning
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Post by Havefaith on Jul 17, 2018 6:14:19 GMT -8
Ultimately, what helped me is asking myself, does this person's values align with my values? If not, a healthy relationship is probably not possible.
Example, I fell hard for somebody who was a pornography addict. In my opinion, pornography is a scourge because it objectifies women and men for another's sexual gratification and does not take into account the other person's heart, mind or soul. This does not align with my values. The man I fell for did not see a particular problem with photography use and I knew this would be an ongoing issue. It was my deal breaker and I walked away. Best thing I ever did for my heart, mind and soul...
HaveFaith
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Post by Havefaith on Jul 17, 2018 6:23:58 GMT -8
And I think the thing that scared me the most about this pornography addict, was that he needed harder core pornography to achieve the same effect of arousal. The porn he was viewing depicted more and more violence towards women and was very dark and depraved. Don't think for a minute that this kind of pornography does not have an effect on real life relationships. it spills into a relationship, and the effects are grave and deeply unhealthy (i.e. he started to choke me and call me vile names to get himself aroused). Believe me, I found out, and it took me 8+ years of therapy to undo the damage of this pathological 'relationship' I found myself in.
Nobody wins. Nobody.
HaveFaith
p.s., I own my part in all this, but I know my triggers now and walk away from 'people, places and things' that are harmful to me. I wish everyone well, and pray for all (even this man who brought me to my knees in suicidal despair) -- but I have boundaries now, to keep 'healthy' in and 'unhealthy' out ...
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Post by Havefaith on Jul 17, 2018 9:55:25 GMT -8
Agreed, bluepoppy! Choosing addiction over the person -- deal breaker. At least, it was for me. Pornography or me. He chose pornography .
I chose recovery....
HaveFaith
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Post by tracer on Jul 17, 2018 11:56:29 GMT -8
Been reading thru these posts and I am definitely in withdrawal right now. Have been for a few weeks. I'm in NC for a week now, secretly hoping my POA will come back but she hasnt. I keep checking my phone for texts, calls, emails but nothing. Its so difficult for me to understand how someone who seemed so interested can just shut it off and walk away from someone. A little history on the situation: we met on a dating site, she told me she was looking for someone who didnt drink as her ex was a fall down drunk. I am sober 30 years. What she didnt tell me until a few dates in was that she was a daily pot smoker. Initially prescribed for sleep but she was using it every day when not at work and all day on weekends. As a recovering alcoholic I could not be around a daily pot smoker as it was triggering for me. She told me she had addiction issues herself and had been to AA in the past and the pot keeps her away from alcohol. She wishes she could stop but it really helps her so she is not willing to. I did tell her there was another way to live without substances but she was not interested and now she is gone. Given her addictive personality I would think my initiating NC would trigger her to come back but it hasnt so I am in big time withdrawal. cant sleep, crying at work, walking up in the middle of the night in panic. Beating myself up because I dont want to be around someone who smokes pot every day as it triggers my own addiction, feeling like I am the one with the problem. Its hard for me to understand why someone who knows she is dependent on a substance but also wants a healthy relationship wouldnt want to take a look at her own addiction and be with someone who is in recovery. I've been working steps on this but my head is still spinning She is choosing pot over you.
I hope you will choose your recovery over her. I don't mean to be blunt, but there is no sugar coating this.
It takes time, but you can do this. It does get better, just keep the NC going. One day you will realize that you didn't wake up thinking about her, then it'll be an entire day that goes by and longer. One day you will think of her and feel peace because you are over it!
thanks for your honesty. that is the truth and I know it, but its hard for me to understand why it would be such an easy decision for her, especially at her age as she is in her 50's and has an alcoholic ex. It just makes me sad that she feels that she needs the pot more than she needs a nice person to be in a relationship with. we both expressed that we really liked eachother and had a lot of hope for the future. Some friends tell me maybe I should have compromised more on the pot thing but for me its life or death as addiction nearly killed me. I would think recovery would trump addiction especially given this woman's past
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Post by matrix on Jul 27, 2018 9:40:48 GMT -8
so I am in big time withdrawal. cant sleep, crying at work, walking up in the middle of the night in panic. Beating myself up because I dont want to be around someone who smokes pot every day as it triggers my own addiction, feeling like I am the one with the problem. Its hard for me to understand why someone who knows she is dependent on a substance but also wants a healthy relationship wouldnt want to take a look at her own addiction and be with someone who is in recovery. I've been working steps on this but my head is still spinning I went through the same thing last January when a long term relationship ended suddenly, I was in shock. At the time, havefaith posted some very enlightening articles about how breakups manifest in your body. Basically, a breakup sends the same signal to our brain that physical pain does.
Not sure why you are beating yourself up for having conviction with your values - that is something to be proud of! Maybe your people pleaser is the one talking? It sounds like you are trying to 'own' her decisions to smoke pot. Trying to make sense of addiction is an exercise in futility.
I recently hung out with a man who was recovering from a breakup, a woman who chose alcohol over him. I discovered recently that he went back to her and to witness this behaviour from an objective viewpoint really helped me see how I have also behaved. I have made decisions that devalued myself ONLY because I wanted approval and attention from a man!
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