One Day at a Time

I just started recovery about 3 weeks ago.

In a nut shell, I grew up being bullied for being a redhead, freckled, buck teeth, etc. As a teenager, I seldom had dates, and was stood up for my prom which happen to have fallen on my birthday. My dad had left when I was 11, but I couldn't blame him. My mom made him miserable and treated him badly. He was sent out of town for his job all the time, so she got custody of us 3. Being the oldest, I got the brunt of the abuse from her and her mother. I was and she would plot to get my dad to return for years, and become angry with any of us kids for not doing more to get him to come around. She dumped her emotional pain on us. Sometimes she dated, but those men left too, and then she was depressed and the world was dark. She got heavily into religion and tried to brainwash me too, and used fear tactics about punishment from God for me not doing what I was "suppose to be doing".

I went to go live with my dad my senior year, a few states away. My mom let me know quite dramatically how betrayed she felt, because she had "stood by" us. Bull nuts! She smothered me and wanted to controll me, and then she'd hit me hard in my face. I was never allowed my own thoughts. Part of her ammo was the fact that I was unpopular with my peers (from being timid and "different"), and how she "loves" us and no one else "in the unGodly world" does.

However, even living with my dad, she managed to cause me grief whenever I would have to talk to her. I was always afraid of severing ties completely. As an adult, I failed considerably at relationship after relationship. Lost jobs and other things to confirm that I was indeed the loser and failure my mother and grandmother made me out to be. I wanted so much to be loved by a successful handsome man who would always treat me well and validate me and prove them wrong.

Through the years, I improved condiderably in my appearance to be considered "attractive" by most. I found my career niche and have stayed steadily employed for over 10 years. I had 1 failed marriage early on. I left him because he loved me. I was just recently on my own, and I married him quickly so that the Air Force would not separate us, but soon afterwards I felt trapped and smothered as growing up, just this time with a stranger. We were incompatible, though he really did nothing wrong. He just couldn't provide me with the thrill and excitement I was seeking with my dysfunctional mind. For years after that, I figured I was being punished by God, even though my former husband has forgiven me.

Now, I'm 40, childless and alone. I was a torch bearer for a while until this person met someone and my dreams were destroyed (as I saw it). Earlier this year, I meet by chance, my last boyfriend who pursued me until I became interested. I was having fun and enjoyed the company ignoring that he already has a grown child and a vasectomy, and that he proudly shows pictures of his tours at the playboy mansion. He's hot, done well with money, 46 and I thought he was wonderful for showing me attention. He accompanied me for many events, and invited me to things to. We also had become very intimate in a short period of time any many ways as if we were married. My prayers to my dry spell had ended.

About 2 months after that, he started distancing. He was going back and forth. The sex started to become less loving and more braunchy and he was acting like a freak and shared that he wanted another couple to be with us. I was depressed from work being a little slow, and gaining a little weight from stress. He stopped calling me as much, and never clearly broke it off until 2 months later when he stated that he wasn't "feeling it anymore". So I was left once again wondering what the f--k is G-od D-amn chemistry???!!! I don't want another man saying it isn't there for him! If you think I'm pretty, and you like my company, we make each other laugh, and conversate for hours, then what the Hell is that "magical" feeling that I seem to fail to produce???

He broke up with me 2 months ago. We were together for 4 months total. All I can still think about is our first kiss and how he used to respect and appreciate me. I thought I was doing everything right because I had been in theray to learn how to be in relationships. I didnt call or text him several times a day or "cling" to him. A month ago, I had discovered that I had access to my hisfacebook account from my computer and I was reading his emails and messages. It hurt me so bad that he abandoned me as if I had no more value than a plastic smiley face ring. About 2 times, I found an excuse to contact him to be reassured we were on cordial terms to see if I stood a chance at winning him back. I even sent a letter for "closure" and healing. He text me once on his own after that about something humorous, and I went into a state of mania and responded back just keeing it on topic, but still eluding to how "well I'm doing". I didn't hear back. By looking in his account which automatically logged in (thinking the glitch was from God), I wanted to see if I either could "accidentally" run into him somewhere looking good, or if I indeed dodged a bullet and was lucky he dumped me, but all I discovered was him possibly becoming involved with someone new who has money and power that he met through his triathalon racing. This woman is new to his bike club and can do the running, biking, and swimming with him that I am physically unable to do. I am barely getting by financially, and she owns her own salon which is thriving. She is not that pretty in the face, but her body is hot, unlike my few extra pounds of ghostly pale cellulite that only freckles, never tans.

Okay, so I have not gone on his site, looked at his page, check anything about him, or contact him at all what so ever for 3 weeks. So I have changed the behavior, but what do I do about these awful painful symptoms of withdrawal? Will they go away if a stand on my own for a while? I feel as though my life is always going to be empty if I have no one to love that loves me back.

I plan to start "NC" on Nov 10. Thanks for helping me out!

This describes me to a T only I haven't blocked her yet. I am on day 3 of NC and it's not unbearable (probably because I've done it before for months until I slipped again) but I know it will get bad.
Personally I've chosen not to block her yet because of rnurs mentions but also because I want to learn how to stay in NC even if she happened to contact me... I'm not sure if that's wise, though.

So, how did it go? Why do you think you can't stay away. I couldn't either from mine for 6 years of ups and downs and drama. It was anything but an easy relationship and it wasn't the first. I was so afraid but kept telling myself the good times were worth it. It took working a strong AA program and having a great sponsor to finely walk away. I also had to commit to only talk to my sponsor about my pain in detail. In the past I told anyone who would listen and that did nothing but keep it alive. It's been 4 1/2 months of no contact and it's good. Very good. I've learned so much about myself, I've become a better person, I take care of myself a whole lot better, I work a better program than I ever have.

I wish the same for you.

Keep going with No Contact R! You are worth much more than this!

I can relate to your story marajade70.....I thought I had found the perfect man and he stop talking to me after about two months of dating.....oh I don't even think it was two months. He said all the right things and I thought he was looking for a "relationship". I feel so naive and ashamed and used and discarded like a piece of trash....I can't get closure and he has not responded to my calls and text....I have not contacted him in two days and it's been hard... I keep thinking of all the fun we had when he was so interested in me and that's what makes me want to contact him...even though part of me knows it's not worth it.....I want to be free from this torture that LA brings...I have been dealing with this addiction all my life.....I only started to understand what's wrong with me about 4 yrs ago....This time I want to be able to enjoy my life without obsessing and stressing over a man....I must get a grip on this addiction....it has ruined my life and robbed me of joy.... I will continue with no contact.

Great job ever-changing!

Vivi, I just wanted to let you know, if you want to do this, you can go to the Personal Journals section and start your own journal, and you will be able to post your progress on there as well.

I am glad you are feeling some peace today, keep moving forward.

Good job.

DAY 3

Feeling like today is going to be a good day. Went to a meeting last night and will go again today. Feeling more filled with optimism and I think fewer obsessive thoughts. Will see!

We are only given today, with no guarantees for tomorrow -- so one day at a time works! Take care of yourself, see your therapist. Those are a couple of good, healthy goals.

HaveFaith

Yes, indeed, one day at a time works for me too as my HP said: "....seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."


And yes, all my past addictions and bondages were due to me listening to the Father of Lies who also uses fantasy to mislead people into destruction. He is also known as the "thief" who comes only to steal, kill, and destroy. So I stay away from the thief and fix my eyes unto my HP, who have come that we may have life and have it to the full.

Want to give some thoughts of encouragement for anyone entering recovery. I am on my 6 the day of NC. I journaled heavily the first 3 days. I kept very busy and documented the amount of times I missed POA. Yesterday I thought if POA but didn't miss. I feel free. I feel less anxiety. Less obligated to care for someone else. Feel I have also given POA opportunity to move on as well. I tried NC about 5 times unsuccessfully and each if those 5 I explained or have reason. This time I just stopped. I have hope and am back to trying to work the 12 steps. Keep busy. Change habits.

Exactly, sueb. I can't quit anything forever. But I can quit just for today. You can do this.