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Post by melsoul on Jun 11, 2011 9:03:18 GMT -8
Welcome, hear--you are in the right place and on the right road--the road to recovery.
I have to say, selfishly, that now that I am hearing my own story over and over on these boards "I'm in pain ... who am I without him?" I feel less and less alone and freakish. We're all in the same boat. And there is hope.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Jun 26, 2011 1:38:27 GMT -8
Thanks to eveyone who posted on this thread, as I got online and started reading it I had the thought that I'm only here because it's a way to be thinking about my PoA in a way that I can get away with, now that my other channels are getting closed off. But compassion for myself has kicked in- I am in withdrawals from my drug. And this all helps. Especially LovelyJune's reference to taking "sstuffs". I can clearly bring up the feeling I get when he emails me and I see his name there in bold, unread, like the best present. A sharp thrill, he cares, I think. And I savour the email. Lately they're almost always apologetic and full of regret for what he did and didn't do. I read and re-read them. Never noticed before now how sad that is. I have a hard time accepting that I am so broken, that my middle class upbringing was really so fricking awful as to leave me in this crippled state. I read something here a few days ago about denial of abuse from the family of origin. I hated my mother for years and years and years. Intensely. And yet I don't want to really accept her emotional and mental attacks as abuse. On the one hand I want to nail her so bad and on the other I feel like a whinger who should just get over herself. Hard. I told my friend today it's so weird to have this whole bunch of people in my head practically all day and night who feature so little in my life in reality. They are like ghosts, fantasies. Phantoms. I don't feel so alone either being here. I had a beautiful moment with my friend on the phone today, of realising how grateful I am to have her in my life. We share a lot about LA and ourselves, and we are making tentative and clumsy steps towards having healthy boundaries with each other, well I am anyway. I told her and it felt so nice and gentle and tender to appreciate her and let her know. I want to feel more of this gratefullness. It's special.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Jul 2, 2011 15:37:40 GMT -8
Um, yeah withdrawals. My counsellor told me I am grieving the relationship I thought I would have with my ex (my fantasy) not the relationship I did have. I relate to what has been said about missing being in someone's arms. I was at a writing group and suddenly found myself writing about missing his arms and couldn't stop the tears. I had avoided writing about him up till that point, about 5 months! Not bad. Now I take some time to feel when I hit loneliness. I come here when I am obsessing. I re-read things I wrote in my journal about my confusion when i was with him. And I think about how important it is to be able to live for myself. And how lucky I am to be here on the planet and I've only got this one life so I better get on with it!
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Post by aabha on Jul 3, 2011 7:47:08 GMT -8
if my poa is a friend, how can i just be no contact with this person. isnt that unfair or just impolite.
From Susan . . . Rule of thumb . . . if there is limerence you cannot be friends. When the limerence (romantic feelings) fades you can try being friends. If contact triggers the limerence you just have to find another friend. Recovery is not easy. So it is trial and error here.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Jul 4, 2011 1:34:18 GMT -8
@aabha, you can be in NC with someone if it's messing with your mind to see them, even if they are a friend. It's not unfair or impolite. There are no contracts to friendship, it's always up to you who you spend time with and who you choose, respectfully, not to. I am in LC with my ex, who is my PoA. All my stuff is stored at his place because when I left I was hoping to just spend 6 months apart in a furnished studio and go back to him when he quit drugs. He's stopped the drugs but I realised the whole shebang is never going to work and he hasn't dealt with his addiction any more than I had mine (LA) up until about a month ago. Our split is now permanent but I'm not ready to move into another place yet, so I see him once a month or so. I keep it short and don't email or text anything other than the arrangement details. I obsess about him so much that it's pretty obvious now the sooner I can have NC with him the better. I had no idea before I was so obsessed, it's pretty shocking to wake up to this. Have a look at some of the other posts about NC and LC. laarecovery.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=drawal&action=display&thread=9082
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Post by aabha on Jul 16, 2011 7:16:04 GMT -8
thanks ! i hear ya. we always think we can control our addictions Please register or log in. Thanks.
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Post by amychristine on Jul 24, 2011 18:46:06 GMT -8
I am struggling with withdrawal. I have barely been able to go for 2 days without contact.
But if it's helpful: What got me thru those 2 days is right when I'm about to call or text or drive over, I stop and remember it is the addiction that I'm craving...Not him. I am not craving him, his kiss, his hands, his attention. I cannot be because he is simply a man like any one of the billions of other men on the planet. I stop and ask myself what I really want. Do I really want him? or am I craving love, affection, feeling desirable, secure, comfort, contentment? The reality is it is not him I want, it is all those other things. And the further reality is that contacting him, being with him is not what provides those things. He does not have the power to give me those things. In my addiction and desire to get those feelings, I have confused having him with having those feelings.
But what I know for sure is that any and all of those wonderful states of being must come from with in me. They have to. He doesn't inject me with these feelings. They were something I felt when I was with him, yes, but only because I felt them! And if I can feel them they must come from inside of me. And therefore I can feel them here and now. When I believe he "makes" me feel those things I put all the pressure in the world on him to achieve a miracle, be god, and none of the responsibility on me to give myself those things, and we both lose.
Basically, Stop. Ask yourself what you Really want. And be honest about where you can really find it.
Also, it has helped me enormously to remember it is my addiction to the high, the next hit that makes me focus on him. Not anything remarkable or unique about him. It is not him I really want, it is the high.
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Post by mindscent on Aug 7, 2011 18:52:44 GMT -8
Ok, I like what I read about adults waiting and understanding the necessity of delayed gratification. I am convinced that I'm supposed to wait. But, sorry for being obtuse, but like, WHAT exactly am I waiting for? Like, what will happen, and how? I am SO panicked that I am motivated to literally jump out the window if it will get rid of this intolerable feeling. talk about bottoming out.
This time is different, and I'll be doggoned if it's not the last time. I'm the one who walked away this time, even though everything in me was FREAKING OUT and telling me not to. We were even in the "honeymoon" part of the cycle, you know, after the blow up and the bombing and seduction and you make nice-nice. Such fake stuff. I don't know what to believe about anything. I'm sick of not having any dignity.
Has anyone else experienced this sensation of dichotemy? What I mean is, I'm splitting my POA into three people in my head; one is superior to me, one inferior, and one equal. The vision of him as superior causes me to panic at the loss of the relationship, the inferior vision makes me extremely angry that I even care at all about it. I suppose when I look at him as equal, I grieve pretty hard, but I don't feel that disgusting emptiness. He was a good friend for years before we got into this relationshup addiction stuff. He was avoident even then, but it didn't bother me because I wasn't addicted to him. Now, look out! I'm tripping.
I'm really so sad, and so angry. But I give up, I surrender. So, the point of the whole post is, what am I waiting for, here, and what do I do in the mean time?
blaaaaaeeeeeccckkkkkk guteral sigh grrrrrr :-( sob.
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Post by mindscent on Aug 7, 2011 18:55:51 GMT -8
I am struggling with withdrawal. I have barely been able to go for 2 days without contact. But if it's helpful: What got me thru those 2 days is right when I'm about to call or text or drive over, I stop and remember it is the addiction that I'm craving...Not him. I am not craving him, his kiss, his hands, his attention. I cannot be because he is simply a man like any one of the billions of other men on the planet. I stop and ask myself what I really want. Do I really want him? or am I craving love, affection, feeling desirable, secure, comfort, contentment? The reality is it is not him I want, it is all those other things. And the further reality is that contacting him, being with him is not what provides those things. He does not have the power to give me those things. In my addiction and desire to get those feelings, I have confused having him with having those feelings. But what I know for sure is that any and all of those wonderful states of being must come from with in me. They have to. He doesn't inject me with these feelings. They were something I felt when I was with him, yes, but only because I felt them! And if I can feel them they must come from inside of me. And therefore I can feel them here and now. When I believe he "makes" me feel those things I put all the pressure in the world on him to achieve a miracle, be god, and none of the responsibility on me to give myself those things, and we both lose. Basically, Stop. Ask yourself what you Really want. And be honest about where you can really find it. Also, it has helped me enormously to remember it is my addiction to the high, the next hit that makes me focus on him. Not anything remarkable or unique about him. It is not him I really want, it is the high. REALLY good post. this is EXACTLY the point I'm at, although it does suck, because my POA was a good friend before he was my POA.
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Post by mindscent on Aug 7, 2011 19:04:07 GMT -8
if my poa is a friend, how can i just be no contact with this person. isnt that unfair or just impolite. Well, doesn't it matter if YOU'RE treated fairly? and, if you glance around this board, there's kind of a lot at stake to be worried about being polite. You don't have to be cruel, ever, but certainly, if interacting with a particular person is toxic to me, I have a right stop doing that. I think a lot of the harmful stuff we do as love addicts stems from a twisted perception of our own right to protection and safety, or, more accurately, the misperception that we have to harm OURSELVES, make ourselves unsafe, in order to gain the much BETTER protection that we think the POA will provide. It's so counterintuitive for me to ignore my POA to take care of myself that I've neglected showers, eating, sleep, medication, MY OWN CHILDREN... because my false perception told me that unless he "loved me" I couldn't have any of those things anyway, because I would die. So, right now I'm in the sucky part where I still pretty much feel like that ridiculous lie I typed out is true, but I'm behaving as an adult, so I'm just experiencing those feelings without acting to medicate them with my POA. sigh.
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Post by docholliday on Aug 15, 2011 10:57:16 GMT -8
My withdrawal typically manifests as loss of appetite and lack of energy. I cease eating and begin to lose a lot of weight, I just stop being hungry. I'm tired and want to lay in bed all day, suddenly 6 - 8 hours of sleep isn't enough and I'm sleeping 10 - 12 hours a day and even after I'm awake I just lay in bed and can't make myself get up.
My stomach hurts, I get headaches, there's a tightness in my chest... it's hard to breath. My body is tense, it has to be... if I try to relax at all, I end up crying my eyes out. I can't be around couples, if I see anyone happy together I have to leave before I lose it and start crying. At parties the moment I start having a good time it's the same thing: I have to leave. Any good emotion is accompanied by a much stronger negative one that looms like a shadow and forces me to leave and get by myself before it smashes into me like a tidal wave and rips me apart emotionally.
Going to bed at night is the worst, my mind naturally begins to focus on her and I start wondering why me? And if I could only get her back...
I start to think of suicide as an option, because it's happened so many times now I find myself saying, "I can't do this again...."
Even worse, I am an artist, and so even if I block it from my mind it seeps out in my art. Reading the songs and poetry I've written over the last few months.... she's beneath all of it. It's all for her.
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Post by docholliday on Aug 15, 2011 10:58:06 GMT -8
My best escape is the gym, I've found myself in there almost everday because working out is the only thing that lets my mind escape.
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Post by LovelyJune on Aug 16, 2011 3:14:36 GMT -8
Good point docholliday! Exercise is an incredible mood lifter.
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Post by Loving My Life on Aug 16, 2011 4:18:35 GMT -8
Thx Doc and LJ, I think iam going to start walking and getting some exercise into my daily routine....b/c i feel alot of tension in my back and neck from time to time. i guess this is part of my withdrawals also....thx for the reminder.
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Post by beancounter999 on Sept 18, 2011 15:32:28 GMT -8
It's been only 2 weeks since our breakup for me, 7 days of NC. I am a mess. The withdrawal is excruciating. I can't focus on anything except the POA. I know I am the beginning steps of recovery and looking forward to feeling free one day.
I purchased Jim Hall's workbook, "Surviving Withdrawal" and it was a HUGE help...I highly recommend it. It really puts the relationship in perspective and helps you see that it is truly withdrawal from the addiction that is causing you pain and not loss of the relationship itself. It cleared up a lot of confusion for me. I didn't love my POA...didn't even really like him.
I'm also reading "Women Who Love Too Much". This excerpt sums it up for me:
“To be without the relationship – that is, to be alone with one’s self—can be experienced as worse than being in the greatest pain the relationship produces, because to be alone means to feel the stirrings of the great pain from the past combined with that of the present.”
That is exactly how I feel right now and what kept me returning to a miserable relationship. It was unhealthy and abusive but it was comfortable. I could deal with that pain...this pain is almost unbearable. But I know it's necessary in order to recover.
So glad I found this forum.
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Post by girlonastring on Oct 2, 2011 17:03:32 GMT -8
I just got dumped by my POA just a few weeks ago. It has been a 3 year LTR mostly riddled with him dumping me and me chasing and groveling literally on my knees begging for a chance back. That's right, I lost all integrity, desperate for my drug of choice. I hated myself afterwards but in the moment would have done (nearly) anything to salvage not losing him.
This time however because his Sex Addiction has progressed and his emotions (if he ever had any) are gone for me, he has disposed of me like a thing.
I am beyond bereft and thrown into withdrawal realising I have no choice but to grieve. I find myself checking my phone, email, just to see if he might have called. No. He won't. Any time he has dumped me he has not. Logic dictates in my intellect why would I want him to anyway, he treats me so poorly. I just came out of laproscopic surgery where my lower bowel was adhered to another organ from an STI he gave me from all his cheating. I suffered immeasurable pain for months while he "swore" he wasn't in relaspe and being faithful. all lies. yet I was in huge denial. I am sick too. I am a love addict.
how do I stop obsessing over a man who doesn't even love me? how do I get my heart to shut off? to realise he was a con? all the questions that swirl around in my head ad infinitum? ad nauseum? was anything about him "authentic" did he ever care for me? did he ever love me? my therapist says it doesn't even matter, that he treats me so poorly that I need to walk away to save my health. and then I remind her that he shoved me away. and then she says, but if he came back tomorrow would you take him back?
and I hesitate.......because I know that I am still very sick.......part of me, the chronologically developed woman that sits in front of her knows I should answer "no" but the younger part of me that is somehow bonded with this man as a caregiver, says "yes".
I am addicted to him and I live in a house divided. half of me wants to run away and never look back at him. and the other half of me wants to run to him and beg him to never let me go.
I feel insane.
for now. for 2 days I have not contacted him because the last thing he told me was, "if you agree not to have any contact with any men, in the future I might decide someday, MIGHT, to get back together with you. I am not leading you on, but it's a possibility. But if you don't........I will never speak to you again and will have ill will for you and never forgive you for the hurt you caused me. I give you the weekend to send me an email and consider my offer."
Not much of a biscuit. Makes me feel like a lab rat. The rat pushes the lever and gets a pellet. WHy should I have to earn love, earn the possibility of his affection? that doesn't seem like love........it seems rather sadistic. and yet, to the little girl in me, it's still a possibilty.......a long shot......something.
What do I do.......
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Post by Havefaith on Oct 2, 2011 19:13:37 GMT -8
Sounds like you're in wretched pain. What to do? No easy answers, but there is a book that does address obsession -- Susan Forward's "Obsessive Love -- when it hurts too much to let go".
This is a start -- but there is a lot of work to be done -- and the work MUST focus on you.
The work that I do for recovery includes meetings (SLAA), posting here, reading, reading, reading, working the 12 steps, and weekly meetings with my therapist. I'm also on a low-dose anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication to quell my obsessive thinking. If this sounds like a lot of work - it is. But what is the alternative? A life of torment.... No thanks. Not anymore.
HaveFaith
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Oct 3, 2011 4:07:03 GMT -8
Well girlonastring, I really hope you can cut yourself off that string! Because you really got it right there. He is playing a sadistic game with you. The lines you have quoted him with are very alarming. The good news is the game COMPLETELY relies on you playing it too. Emaiing him or texting, whatever you do, he has won the round and can continue tormenting you. Don't worry, he is thinking about you, but NOT for the reasons you hope he might be. This is not love. This is a power game. It's sad but your bf is probably not capable of real love or intimacy. And at this point you might not be either.
Get yourself into recovery. There is a life out there waiting for you.
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Post by girlonastring on Oct 3, 2011 21:15:38 GMT -8
Sounds like you're in wretched pain. What to do? No easy answers, but there is a book that does address obsession -- Susan Forward's "Obsessive Love -- when it hurts too much to let go". This is a start -- but there is a lot of work to be done -- and the work MUST focus on you. The work that I do for recovery includes meetings (SLAA), posting here, reading, reading, reading, working the 12 steps, and weekly meetings with my therapist. I'm also on a low-dose anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication to quell my obsessive thinking. If this sounds like a lot of work - it is. But what is the alternative? A life of torment.... No thanks. Not anymore. HaveFaith I do not want a life of torment. This much I know. I am frightened and paralyzed at the moment. That is honest.
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Post by girlonastring on Oct 3, 2011 21:21:34 GMT -8
Well girlonastring, I really hope you can cut yourself off that string! Because you really got it right there. He is playing a sadistic game with you. The lines you have quoted him with are very alarming. The good news is the game COMPLETELY relies on you playing it too. Emaiing him or texting, whatever you do, he has won the round and can continue tormenting you. Don't worry, he is thinking about you, but NOT for the reasons you hope he might be. This is not love. This is a power game. It's sad but your bf is probably not capable of real love or intimacy. And at this point you might not be either. Get yourself into recovery. There is a life out there waiting for you. I am just at the precipice of realising there is a difference between love and dependency. They can feel similar. I know I am hyperdependent upon him. This much is true. I dont know if I know what love is. My intellect grasps that he is using some sort of manipulation and power thing on me, for what end I dont know. If I am to get well I must put the focus on me. This feels very unfamiliar and scary. It feels like my oxygen supply has been shut off and that is not hyperbole. Yet, I have to trust that others before me have made it to the other side. please if any one reads this. please help show me where are the stories of recovery. As in, here's what I was like before while I was a love addict and sick, heres how I got help and what recovery looked like, and here's how my life is like today. I really DO need to see that someone out there can beat this disease, or at least see that it can be put into remissiion if not ever cured. please... thank you.
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Post by Loving My Life on Oct 4, 2011 4:00:49 GMT -8
girlonstring, the thread for recovery stories, go to the home tab, scroll down look for "call for success stories"...also posting and reading on this forum are stories of recovery working. There is no quick fix it is like taking baby steps, it takes time. i know your in alot of pain so if you can try and focus on doing one thing @ a time, one day @ a time, second & min @ a time, until the fog has lifted a little, you will be able to see how recovery works. I cant remember if you said if there were any 12 steps mtgs in your area, or support groups. being around others going thru the same thing you are is very helpful. You need to take care of you first, and be in a safe place. so please keep posting. we are here for you. Hugs to you. First things first. ask your HP for strength.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Oct 4, 2011 20:40:35 GMT -8
girlonastring- This disease is certainly something I seem to be recovering from. I feel much more able to look after myself now and the thought of sacrificing myself in some way in the future for a man really makes my skin crawl. Eventually I hope I'll just be able to feel compassion for myself and forgiveness. You can read my story by clicking on my name and going back through posts I guess. Carolyn has given you the heads up on where to look on the board for recovery posts. It's important for you as an addict to get out of "helpless" mode and get proactive about finding help for yourself. It's great you're here, now find out what the next step is by reading all you can. I say that because you're the only one who can do it for you. YOU are IT.
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Post by nvr2late on Oct 5, 2011 5:19:12 GMT -8
Surprise to me. Withdrawal is getting worse as time goes on. Who knew? I just downloaded the Withdrawal Workbook. It's time.
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Post by Loving My Life on Oct 5, 2011 6:10:04 GMT -8
nvr2late, i feel like that myself sometimes, i feel like im trying to convince myself that what i was feeling for my poa was not normal. when the truth is, i do love this man. i just have to learn to live with the fact, we cant be together, and have no future. but the feelings were real. and this is normal.
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Post by nvr2late on Oct 5, 2011 9:22:00 GMT -8
Yes, Carolyn, I totally agree.
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Post by tori on Oct 23, 2011 11:18:44 GMT -8
I'm not crazy! For so long I thought something was wrong with me because I would go through these feelings, thoughts, actions, etc. when my relationships would end and I didn't understand it.
I would stop eating, talking to anyone, crying, feeling like I wanted to die, sleeping at the time, moody basically going into a depression. At one point, I use to drink and smoke marijuana to numb myself.
I didn't know I was going through withdrawals. After reading everyone's posts, I realize that what I was going through was and is very real. When I would bring my NC, it was like getting a hit and I would feel rejuvenated, alive! And it all was/is real! I'm not crazy! I'm an addict.
When I'm not in a relationship, I felt saner, more in control, but still have those empty feelings. Then I get involved with someone (getting that high) and eventually lose myself (I overdose).
My married Ex-bf just texted me (it's been 12 days NC), but I deleted his text. I told myself, "you will always be the third wheel", "you deserve better". I also know that for me to continue contact with him is me saying to him, "I'm okay being your mistress" and I'm not okay with that.
I don't want to share a man. I believe in monogamy completely and I deserve better! This is not to say that it doesn't hurt because it does--big time. I've been here before so many times. My goal is to get through it without medicating with alcohol, food and/or another man. Okay, I'm still smoking cigarettes, but I need something ;D.
I am trying to exercise and work on my weight, along with going to school. I'm really trying to push myself because deep down, I don't want to do anything.
Please register and log in before you post. Thanks.
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Post by Loving My Life on Oct 23, 2011 11:32:01 GMT -8
tori, what you are feeling is real, and you are in withdrawls, but just keep nc and keep moving forward and as time passes it does get easier. i promise it does, i was a mess in july. but i can tell you today im ok by myself, my head is clear, im taking care of myself finally, and it feel awesome. but when i first came to this forum my head was spinning so much i felt like i was going crazy. so keep coming back and posting and sharing where you are, and we will all get through this together. we are here for you.
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Post by floatingboat on Oct 28, 2011 17:52:59 GMT -8
This is exactly what I want to hear: "Love addiction is like digging in a trash can for your dinner every night and being happy that you've found an uneaten, unwrapped Snicker's bar." It is truly very pathetic.
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Post by starlight on Nov 7, 2011 21:21:19 GMT -8
I like LovelyJune's post about sstuffs and trash cans. What an excellent analogy. And that is exactly what I do. I give huge n exchange for sstuffs. Today almost caught again...he spoke like I am only one whom he to,d his recent secret to...and I spoke to him..d**n! But being in this group kept me committed to LC...knowing I have a "condition" call LA...and be willing to be in withdrawal so that I can cut off the cancer cells and get better...this group helps!
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Post by starlight on Nov 7, 2011 21:23:39 GMT -8
Except I did not find Snicker's bar unwrapped...I found Snicker bars been bitten into and still I tell me a I found food! But not any more...I am going for real food...onward recovery path, here I come!
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