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Post by vkngs_football on Nov 17, 2011 15:06:02 GMT -8
I have been for the most part separated from my girlfriend now for three weeks, however did see her at church singles group that we both attend last Saturday, and this was so painful to see her, had such conflicting thoughts and feelings....on one hand wanted to just wrap her up and hug her, and on the other hand I felt stiff around her, just silent we didn't say barely more than two words to one another.
We met in this Bible Study Singles Group, and we hit it off almost immediately, I though this is my dream girl, we were both very attracted to one another, we had a lot of things in common, she had this warm, gentle, loving spirit to her that I had not experienced before and we had our strong faith in common. I really thought I had met my future wife, and I thanked God every day for bringing her into my life. I just loved and adored her more than life itself, but as I learned more about her I began to wonder if she was somebody that I would be able to spend a life with. She told me she had major depression, OCD, Borderline Tendencies, Social Anxiety, she is a adult child of alcholics, and her father used to beat her mother when she was a child, which she witnessed. Her mom helps her by providing money to her, and has done this for years...my gf is 39 years old.
She has been on unemployment for a year, and filed for disability. All these things really concerned me, and I went through a period of time where I was like hmmm, am I crazy to even think that I could take all of this on. I prayed, and prayed for a answer and God kept telling me she was the person that I was to marry, and that these things I considered issues would work themselves out with His help. And that nothing was impossible to Him. So, against my better judgement kept going back to her, and participating in the relationship with her....we have gone out for 7 months, and basically we have talked marriage all the way through...I am 44, she is 39 and yes, usually the courtship period is shorter when you get older. I know this, and I just thought well, I just know what I want...we had always talked about getting married, and the possibility of having another child, she told me that really she didn't think her body could hold up to having a child, she also has fibromygalia, and is milk intolerant, and wheat intolerant.
So, I agreed that she is the one that I want, not a baby and so we worked through that, and the thing is we had a very wonderful relationship, the best I have ever had, and we loved each other so much. I thought for sure this will be my wife, and we talked about houses, and our futures together. At about the 3 month mark she began to bring up little hints about open dating which really confused me, and hurt me tremendously. I was so crushed, and didn't know what to do, I did voice my displeasure and she took this as I was being controlling she wanted to go to the singles activitity group by herself, or sometimes with me...I felt kind of uncomfortable with her going without me. But she said, well that's where my friends are, and I said yeah, I understand and what not....but I just didn't trust her, there was something not making sense about this whole thing. We had plans to go to one of these single barbecue events together with my nine year old, son...and then at the last moment she changed the plans and said she was going with her friend and not with me, but that we could meet her there. I was shocked, confused, and surprised....felt really fishy to me, and the next day when we talked about it she told me that well, going to this event just confirmed with her what she already knew, that she wanted to be with me. Which is all good and fine, but it was the manner in which it happened, seemed very manipulative and underhanded to me, and I wondered what kind of friend just goes along with that...so I was mad at her gal friend because the gal friend I felt didn't encourage her to do the right thing.
Anyway, that was the beginning of the end I think...the relationship was never the same. She had some guy that she was talking to on line, supposedly a old boyfriend that she still talked to, I don't know about all that? And she increasingly was becoming more and more distant and she would not tell me what was going on, and this continued for the next couple of months until one day she says to me, that she needs some time to clear her mind and that she is stressed out and what not, and I ask her do you want to be with me? And her answer was, I don't know....I replied well, I need to have somebody that knows whether or not they want to be with me, and I started to say my good byes, and she said well, I don 't mean forever I just want some space for now. So, I stayed in it for a little longer until finally we had a break for a couple of weeks with no contact, until finally she came to my church group 12 step group that I had introduced her to...and we kind of struck things up from there, but she kept reminding me that we were just friends that happen to make out with each other. I started to question whether or not she had ever loved me, and that maybe she had just gone out with me because she wanted somebody to fool around with, and that maybe she does this with a lot of the guys in the Bible Study group.
We got back together, and I slept over at her house for a couple of nights and she told me that morning of the 2nd night I had slept over that she was falling back in love with me, and wanted the relationship to continue and that she was hearing from God that I was the one she was supposed to marry, and I though ok, great now we are on the same page.....later that day, she called to tell me that she wanted more time. I finally just blew my top, and had a meltdown she hung up on me, I proceeded to call her and leave 35 minutes of voicemail messages which I know is messed up, and I have never ever done anything like that...in these 17 voicemail messages I stated what I felt she was doing and that she was using me, and never loved me, and it was all a joke, and that she was married to her mom, really and not available for a relationship, and why was she even in a singles Bible Study group in the first place if she didn't have any intentions of being in a long term relationship. I was so hurt, and still am...it has been 3 weeks...the next night we attended a Halloween party that we had been preparing for, but not together, and she said not a word to me....Yes, I made a mistake, but at the same time, I do feel that she was messing with me, yanking me around which is really messed up. I even felt worse because here I thought the women in a Bible Studies group surely would be safe, and not do things like that.
I did see her last weekend at another Bible Studies Group, I have apologized through voicemail and email. And also through another online 12 step group that I introduced her to, I am pretty certain one night I had a conversation with her in that chat room...she used a different name than she normally uses in there, but I am pretty certain it was her...there were certain things that she said that made me believe it was her. And from the tone of that conversation she was open to continuing the relationship but I acted as if I didn't know it was her. So for the most part the last three weeks have been no contact, and it is so painful....I broke down crying last night, and crying out to God.
I feel such betrayal, deceit, manipulation....I feel like my heart was torn out, and I feel such rage at her. I did realize today, that this rage is really against me, and that I should have laid down my boundary when she first brought up these things about open dating, I should have nipped that in the bud, and got some clarity on that. I didn't so I kind of made my own bed of misery, but this time off is good for me to clear my head and to find out if she is really the person I thought she was originally or if she is this other person that she has become. I do think she is being fed some pretty poor advice from her friends and what not too that fuels this whole thing. But, doesn't matter it's about her not her friends.
I have a relationship with her. I did meet some of her friends last week, and I could tell they loved me, and we have other friends in common and they love me too, I can see it in their eyes. She is a person that is very naive, and gets confused very easily....so sometimes I have to be careful when I joke around and things because I think she sometimes takes what I am saying literally. I might see her tonight at the Bible Study, and then tomorrow their is a workshop going on for tomorrow night and Saturday which I might see her at. Not sure how I feel about all this, but I do know that I don't want to be in a relationship where the person doesn't know if they want to be in it with me. That for sure is certain, and at this point I don't want to be in a friend relationship because we have tried that, and she manipulates the relationship when it is like that. I am thinking that I want to be done, that if she can't or is not capable of being in a relationship with me, well then I want nothing to do with her.
I can be friendly with her at these activities but I don't want really anything to do with her. I just think she is bad news, and now granted I had a lot of childhood abuse in my background, and have been abused by a ex wife and continue to be. So, this may factor into things on my end too. So, we'll see what happens. But, I don't expect anything to come of this so-called relationship and frankly I think it was a waste of my time. Thanks for reading, and please feel free to comment, or if you have any advice for me, I would sure be open to it. Thank you.
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Post by Loving My Life on Nov 17, 2011 16:03:56 GMT -8
vkngs welcome, thanks for sharing your story. you have to decide if a open relationship is ok in order to be with her? and also maybe god did answer your prayers, he showed you who she really was? and if you decide she is not the one for you, you can go no contact and start to heal. we have to remember we cant change people, and if your a co-dependent like myself we do want to fix people. but keep posting and sharing here, you will find alot of knowledge & support here. glad your here.
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Post by calvin on Nov 18, 2011 1:32:20 GMT -8
Hi Vkngs... there seems to be so much going on in your head at the moment... and I remember with me my head fought all day to make sense of what had been said and what was going on... I found "How to Break your Addiction to a Person" by Howard Halpern really really helpful - I can't emphasize how much it changed my perspective on my situation. Continue to pray and listen to what God is really saying... I remember when I was at my most anxious about what I should 'do' with my situation, the answer came back clearly 'do nothing'. Its been hard at times to follow that... but it does mean I have less drama in my life and can focus on looking after myself, which is what I think I've been avoiding all these years...
Be strong - come back here, I've found the support invaluable.
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Post by oneinamillion on Nov 28, 2011 7:06:24 GMT -8
Imagine walking through a long tunnel, so dark that you can’t see one step ahead of you; so scary that you feel like crying every second of the way; so lonely that you’d give anything to be holding someone’s hand; you no longer care whose…. So cold that your body aches; so awful that you think you’ve died and gone to hell; so unfamiliar to you that you wonder if you’re going to make it out of there alive…
That tunnel is called withdrawal.
There are plenty of doors on each side of the tunnel. And you’re free to open a door any time you want, leave the tunnel, and go back to your old, dirty neighborhood (your addiction). But you know it is a dangerous neighborhood and you don’t want to live in that place. You know exactly the kind of life that you want, and you know you won’t find it in that neighborhood. You need to get to a better place; a nicer, more peaceful neighborhood where you feel safe and happy (sobriety). You’ve met people who live there, in the nice neighborhood. They all look happy, and they seem to have found peace; a peace and a happiness that you yearn for, and that you’ve tried to reach in the old neighborhood, but haven’t been able to.
They’ve promised you that you will find that peace and happiness if you move to the nice neighborhood, which is at the other side of the tunnel. They have all crossed that tunnel. They warned you that crossing it was an awful experience, but you had no idea it would be that horrible until you were there. However, they have assured you that a beautiful place awaits you at the other side of the tunnel. All you need to do is have the strength to walk through that creepy path.
So you’ve started your journey through that tunnel… but you don’t see an end to it. A small part of you wants to run out and go back to the old neighborhood, even if it means living miserable for the rest of your life. Another part of you wants to drop dead right there in the tunnel, cause you’d rather die than go back to the old neighborhood, and you don’t think you have the strength to make it to the other side. But you know you don’t want to die, and going back to the old neighborhood doesn’t seem like a good choice either. So you decide to keep walking down the creepy tunnel, not because you want to but because you no longer see another option.
There’s not much left to do at this point but pray that God leads you through the tunnel and believe that He’ll help you get to the other side.
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Post by Loving My Life on Nov 28, 2011 8:46:45 GMT -8
withdrawals take time and alot of work and dedication. you have to put your focus totally on yourself & your recovery. Find some local 12 steps meetings AA, Al-Anon, SLAA,CO-depdendent, to start going to, write about what is going on, pray & meditate, post of the forum, read about love addiction as much as possible, do this on a daily basis. recovery is not going to happen overnight, it is baby steps, but if you take a few simply suggestions, it does get better. keep coming back, what are you doing for your recovery today?
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Post by loveis1980 on Dec 18, 2011 9:32:45 GMT -8
Before i found this site, which was yesterday, I have not been in contact with POA for almost 3 wks now.
At first I felt suicidal, well thru the whole thing I felt suicidal. Also wanted to check myself in to a mental facility. I would freak out so bad..meaning rage, anxiety, panic, dizziness, crying. I was exhausted. I dreamed about him, woke up sweating.
How do I feel? Lets see...not as hurt..not as weepy and at least I didnt dream about him. My mind is a bit more clear.
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Post by wahinewha on Apr 5, 2012 3:09:00 GMT -8
Withdrawals are hurting bad tonight. Obsession has consumed me, can't sleep, can't move, can only read postings which are keeping me from going crazy. Acted out tonight indirect stalking, left a message for him to call me, he didn't, I prayed to my Lord to perform a miracle so my POA would call me, acknowledge my pain and suffering of not being together, he is institutionalized as a mental health patient, deep down I know he is never going to be well again, be the man that I once had, lived with and consumed every cell of my body in caring and being attentive to his every need. As long as I was doing this I didn't have to feel or acknowledge my own life and the down would spiral it was leading to.
Obsession is familiar activity to me I have practiced in past relationships confusing it to the feeling of being so in love. I have used the next relationship to combat the withdrawal affects
and hide the shame of desperation I have performed with my last POA. Those were to days of not knowing what sickness I actually had, I just knew I was abit over the top, but not addicted or obsessed.
For tonight all I can do is pray and breath. I didn't action my strategy plan for my triggers that I have identified during stronger emotional times, I am suffering the penalty for it now magnificently. I can not be alone in the night time by myself. I will not do this to myself again, physically hurts to much NC 13 days.
Can't wait till the withdrawal period passes and I can have that glorious feeling of indifference towards my POA, only this time it will truly be magical as will be by myself, I will not replace one with another.
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Post by mike1964 on Apr 5, 2012 4:27:00 GMT -8
wahinewha - I cannot believe the similar emotions we feel as we go through this withdrawal process. I was getting better until I saw my POA a week ago (sat next to me in church) and initiated things again. naive me!! I just regressed, and am finding myself in withdrawal again. This sucks. I'm also getting a little angry, too.
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Post by looking4direction on Jul 2, 2012 22:18:56 GMT -8
I have never been not in love before. Ever.
I am not sure what it's like.
I fear it's going to be like going off drugs.
I know that when I try to do wd, I don't last very long. Life becomes extremely boring and loses it's color and flavor. I feel very very tired; probably from being off the "high" feeling.
I have been introduced to "love" from a very very young age. So I don't know what wd is like, except the very short times I tried to do it so far. And how it feels as though life is gone.
This is usually what happens when I try wd:
Despair. I know I have a problem.
Then:
A few hours of euphoria: "Wow! I gotta do without and I am doing it!" Then maybe a day. "Oh, I did it. I am so tired." Then another day. And a night. "I got thru another day and night. whew!"
Then, maybe something happens in life. I get upset about something, get a letter or an email or a phone call that upsets me.
Then, I want to act out so bad. This is either with or without "auxillary addictions" such as wanting to eat or alter my mood with another legal drug.
Then comes the voice, "Carol, you can have it for a little while...you can have Anatoli for a little while...you can control it..."
Then I have to start all over again.
I am going to read more about wd.
I must get thru these symptoms.
I want to give up my PoA.
I have the desire.
Yes, I am a chronic slipper. But I will not give up. Even if I think I will never stop, I will never give up.
I am knowing more and more how bad this really is.
And about that Snickers bar: I keep finding a *wrapped* one in the trash. But it's still in the trash! It's still from a place that's no good for me! Do I still want to smell the garbage?
I will look toward changing my behavior once and for all. It will take time to change this. I will condition my brain into believing that I can live without this and enjoy real love. From friends and from my adopted family that I chose---my mentor, my roommate. And perhaps from coming to this forum after I get sober. Not just dry. Sober!
Carol
Carol, please register and log in before you post. Thank you.
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Time2heal
New Member
Stop running...It's time to heal Soldier
Posts: 18
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Post by Time2heal on Jul 2, 2012 23:11:05 GMT -8
I have been for the most part separated from my girlfriend now for three weeks, however did see her at church singles group that we both attend last Saturday, and this was so painful to see her, had such conflicting thoughts and feelings....on one hand wanted to just wrap her up and hug her, and on the other hand I felt stiff around her, just silent we didn't say barely more than two words to one another. We met in this Bible Study Singles Group, and we hit it off almost immediately, I though this is my dream girl, we were both very attracted to one another, we had a lot of things in common, she had this warm, gentle, loving spirit to her that I had not experienced before and we had our strong faith in common. I really thought I had met my future wife, and I thanked God every day for bringing her into my life. I just loved and adored her more than life itself, but as I learned more about her I began to wonder if she was somebody that I would be able to spend a life with. She told me she had major depression, OCD, Borderline Tendencies, Social Anxiety, she is a adult child of alcholics, and her father used to beat her mother when she was a child, which she witnessed. Her mom helps her by providing money to her, and has done this for years...my gf is 39 years old. She has been on unemployment for a year, and filed for disability. All these things really concerned me, and I went through a period of time where I was like hmmm, am I crazy to even think that I could take all of this on. I prayed, and prayed for a answer and God kept telling me she was the person that I was to marry, and that these things I considered issues would work themselves out with His help. And that nothing was impossible to Him. So, against my better judgement kept going back to her, and participating in the relationship with her....we have gone out for 7 months, and basically we have talked marriage all the way through...I am 44, she is 39 and yes, usually the courtship period is shorter when you get older. I know this, and I just thought well, I just know what I want...we had always talked about getting married, and the possibility of having another child, she told me that really she didn't think her body could hold up to having a child, she also has fibromygalia, and is milk intolerant, and wheat intolerant. So, I agreed that she is the one that I want, not a baby and so we worked through that, and the thing is we had a very wonderful relationship, the best I have ever had, and we loved each other so much. I thought for sure this will be my wife, and we talked about houses, and our futures together. At about the 3 month mark she began to bring up little hints about open dating which really confused me, and hurt me tremendously. I was so crushed, and didn't know what to do, I did voice my displeasure and she took this as I was being controlling she wanted to go to the singles activitity group by herself, or sometimes with me...I felt kind of uncomfortable with her going without me. But she said, well that's where my friends are, and I said yeah, I understand and what not....but I just didn't trust her, there was something not making sense about this whole thing. We had plans to go to one of these single barbecue events together with my nine year old, son...and then at the last moment she changed the plans and said she was going with her friend and not with me, but that we could meet her there. I was shocked, confused, and surprised....felt really fishy to me, and the next day when we talked about it she told me that well, going to this event just confirmed with her what she already knew, that she wanted to be with me. Which is all good and fine, but it was the manner in which it happened, seemed very manipulative and underhanded to me, and I wondered what kind of friend just goes along with that...so I was mad at her gal friend because the gal friend I felt didn't encourage her to do the right thing. Anyway, that was the beginning of the end I think...the relationship was never the same. She had some guy that she was talking to on line, supposedly a old boyfriend that she still talked to, I don't know about all that? And she increasingly was becoming more and more distant and she would not tell me what was going on, and this continued for the next couple of months until one day she says to me, that she needs some time to clear her mind and that she is stressed out and what not, and I ask her do you want to be with me? And her answer was, I don't know....I replied well, I need to have somebody that knows whether or not they want to be with me, and I started to say my good byes, and she said well, I don 't mean forever I just want some space for now. So, I stayed in it for a little longer until finally we had a break for a couple of weeks with no contact, until fin ally she came to my church group 12 step group that I had introduced her to...and we kind of struck things up from there, but she kept reminding me that we were just friends that happen to make out with each other. I started to question whether or not she had ever loved me, and that maybe she had just gone out with me because she wanted somebody to fool around with, and that maybe she does this with a lot of the guys in the Bible Study group. We got back together, and I slept over at her house for a couple of nights and she told me that morning of the 2nd night I had slept over that she was falling back in love with me, and wanted the relationship to continue and that she was hearing from God that I was the one she was supposed to marry, and I though ok, great now we are on the same page.....later that day, she called to tell me that she wanted more time. I finally just blew my top, and had a meltdown she hung up on me, I proceeded to call her and leave 35 minutes of voicemail messages which I know is messed up, and I have never ever done anything like that...in these 17 voicemail messages I stated what I felt she was doing and that she was using me, and never loved me, and it was all a joke, and that she was married to her mom, really and not available for a relationship, and why was she even in a singles Bible Study group in the first place if she didn't have any intentions of being in a long term relationship. I was so hurt, and still am...it has been 3 weeks...the next night we attended a Halloween party that we had been preparing for, but not together, and she said not a word to me....Yes, I made a mistake, but at the same time, I do feel that she was messing with me, yanking me around which is really messed up. I even felt worse because here I thought the women in a Bible Studies group surely would be safe, and not do things like that. I did see her last weekend at another Bible Studies Group, I have apologized through voicemail and email. And also through another online 12 step group that I introduced her to, I am pretty certain one night I had a conversation with her in that chat room...she used a different name than she normally uses in there, but I am pretty certain it was her...there were certain things that she said that made me believe it was her. And from the tone of that conversation she was open to continuing the relationship but I acted as if I didn't know it was her. So for the most part the last three weeks have been no contact, and it is so painful....I broke down crying last night, and crying out to God. I feel such betrayal, deceit, manipulation....I feel like my heart was torn out, and I feel such rage at her. I did realize today, that this rage is really against me, and that I should have laid down my boundary when she first brought up these things about open dating, I should have nipped that in the bud, and got some clarity on that. I didn't so I kind of made my own bed of misery, but this time off is good for me to clear my head and to find out if she is really the person I thought she was originally or if she is this other person that she has become. I do think she is being fed some pretty poor advice from her friends and what not too that fuels this whole thing. But, doesn't matter it's about her not her friends. I have a relationship with her. I did meet some of her friends last week, and I could tell they loved me, and we have other friends in common and they love me too, I can see it in their eyes. She is a person that is very naive, and gets confused very easily....so sometimes I have to be careful when I joke around and things because I think she sometimes takes what I am saying literally. I might see her tonight at the Bible Study, and then tomorrow their is a workshop going on for tomorrow night and Saturday which I might see her at. Not sure how I feel about all this, but I do know that I don't want to be in a relationship where the person doesn't know if they want to be in it with me. That for sure is certain, and at this point I don't want to be in a friend relationship because we have tried that, and she manipulates the relationship when it is like that. I am thinking that I want to be done, that if she can't or is not capable of being in a relationship with me, well then I want nothing to do with her. I can be friendly with her at these activities but I don't want really anything to do with her. I just think she is bad news, and now granted I had a lot of childhood abuse in my background, and have been abused by a ex wife and continue to be. So, this may factor into things on my end too. So, we'll see what happens. But, I don't expect anything to come of this so-called relationship and frankly I think it was a waste of my time. Thanks for reading, and please feel free to comment, or if you have any advice for me, I would sure be open to it. Thank you. Wow. Thank you for your share. I'm at the point of utter discouragement. I thought I'm all alone in this battle or predicament I'm facing. I'm close to giving up. But after reading your story, I find hope and encouragement to still go on even just a baby step. |
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Post by turningpoint on Jan 16, 2013 10:58:15 GMT -8
I find the withdrawal process very painful.
This pain is mostly emotional. I feel worthless, exhausted, miserable, and unable to think about ANYTHING except the hurt I am feeling. A few times, I have felt suicidal.
I also experience physical symptoms: constant, uncontrollable crying; pain in my chest; shaking; nausea; headaches; loss of appetite; extreme lethargy; hot and cold flushes.
It is all consuming. For example, right now my marriage is on the rocks due to my husband's discovery of a recently ended affair with my PoA. I want my marriage to survive, but I cannot focus on that at the moment. I am in the grip of withdrawal, and expect to be for some months yet.
I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but for some of us, withdrawal is worse than a vacation in hell.
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bliss33
Full Member
The days of the quick fix are over
Posts: 201
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Post by bliss33 on Jan 17, 2013 7:18:17 GMT -8
Hello everyone, It has been several years since I have been on this site. Well, maybe a bit embarrassed but, I'm back. The cycle continued for me after my last experience with another POA. I recently ended a 8 month relationship with a woman with personality disorder. The rage and the emotional roller coaster ride was tempting my 16 + years of sobriety from alcohol. She also had a child who was bi-polar and an eating disorder the drama and heart ache continued. I was treated horribly by both of them but, yet I stayed thinking I could change the situation. I loved her or I think I was addicted to her and her drama? She dragged someone through the same thing three months prior to me. This person had all the same concerns as I did and she finally said enough and left. My POA didn't address any of the issues before she dragged someone else (ME) into her and her daughters life and dysfunction. I finally said enough too and left.
Anyway, I am obsessing and going back to my old behaviors of wondering if she will call, what she is doing,etc. It's driving me crazy. My energy is low and I'm sad and I'm reaching out to her friends even though I know I shouldn't. It's that "connection". The last conversation we had a week ago was she said she needed "space" to get over her marriage three years ago and that she realized she was still in love with this person. What a slap in the face. I was like, well what was I to you? I'm hurting, it's been 7 days of NC. I know I am addicted.I don't want to be with her. She is rude and disrespectful to me. Yet, why do I keep looking at the phone and hoping she will ping me? I have been crying,shaking and obsessing. I tried so many things. Replacing thoughts with my HP, surrendering, 12 steps, etc. I know she will call me. She is very selfish and gets lonely. The last conversation she told me, "you are free and single", "go do what you want to do, I don't love you". All hurtful things that I keep playing in my mind. I know she will call again and say "I didn't mean them", but, I need to be done. I need your support to not respond and move on. I know I deserve so much better but, I am defiantly withdrawing. I just want to be strong enough to not respond when she comes back. Because..she will. Thanks guys! So glad I'm back!
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Post by cupidcome on Feb 4, 2013 23:57:19 GMT -8
as a heroin addict I would say a broken heart is much worse than heroin withdrawals, like the emotional low is so much worse, and you don't know when it's gonna get better, and sometimes it seems like never, but eventually it will.
here are some of my love withdrawal symptoms that I've had:
when my poa in prison went to the hole for 5 days I got physically ill, with what I thought was some kind of cold. my nose started running and got so stuffed up and I was sneezing and just felt awful, but my cold went away as soon as she got out. The emotions were that I missed her and I was sad. Everyone kept asking me where my friend was. I got out 11 months before my poa, and I remember just feeling crazy and totally alone. Like I was happy to be home, but like it was hard cause I had a lot of friends there not just her, and you go from seeing someone every day, doing everything together, breakfast, lunch and dinner, shower, yard, rec, and then you can only talk to them for 15 minutes a day, like not even every day, it's hard. I had a little pack of letters from her I just threw out the other day. I don't talk to her anymore. I have a boyfriend, and it was a mistake. I realized that after I came back home to him. I think I handled it surprisingly well, compared to how jealous and crazy I acted when we were together. Like I would always be doing something having to do with her, be it hanging out, spying on her, writing her notes, thinking about her. When we weren't hanging out I felt bad and jealous that she might be hanging out with someone else. Who wants to feel bad all the time unless they're with a certain person? I don't. Definitely good that circumstances got me away from her so I could stop obsessing over the relationship. I could see that after I got out and had some time away from her. I was relieved that I was not in love.
Another time I had a bad broken heart was when I found out my poa was cheating on his girlfriend with another girl, other than me. Just typing it, I see how ridiculous it is. You know the saying once a cheater always a cheater, but I thought he really isn't a cheater, so he must just really like me. I got drunk, like I felt bad. I listened to a lot of Morrissey. I confronted him about it and then I tried to do NC, but I did slip a few times. One of the times involved alcohol, or it might have been before, I'm glad I don't remember every detail of our "life together" anymore. That is when I made the decision to move on with my life, but it did take some time for the feelings to finally go away. A lot of my friends came back from college for summer and I made a lot of new friends and spent more time socializing and getting a life. I was still having slips, but they weren't as bad. I started seeing my current poa out of loneliness and boredom and the fact that he was persistent, but I never in a million years thought he would end up a poa. In the fall I went to college, but I still felt depressed and isolated living with my parents, and not having a car. I got a boyfriend when I was still totally obsessed with my poa, and he found out and eventually dumped me for a close friend and then dumped her but ruined our friendship. I started listening to Tori Amos. Her music is really gynocentric, but in a way that deals a lot with interpersonal relationships and relationships between men and women. My poa would still call to hang out occasionally, and it would totally stress me out, I couldn't eat, I would sit by the phone. I started making more friends at school, and like really getting a life, because I wasn't sitting around waiting for poa to call me. I moved out of my parents house and started doing more things and having more friends. One night my poa invited me to come over, and it was him his girlfriend and some people we knew from high school and they wanted to go to a bar, and I normally would have went, and then got upset seeing him with his girlfriend, got wasted and made an ass of myself. but I decided to just go home, and I knew I was gonna be okay. I knew I was finally over him when he called and he would always call like SUPER late for me, but I would be there name the place any time day or night. but this night, he called and he had talked about hanging out earlier that day, but I went ahead and made plans to go to a frat party anyways, and as I was walking to the party he called and I said, "Sorry I'm busy I'm going to a party." instead of saying, "okay, i'll find a ride to the other side of town right now!" like I would rather go to a party than hang out with this guy. Good for me! After 6 years of misery, I was so happy to be free of my obsession.
fast forward to now, I'm gonna be more proactive to make sure I'm not hurt again, because now I have the tools and the insight to do it.
I had sex with my poa, and surprise surprise I have not heard from him since. how do I feel? well my feelings are hurt. I wouldn't say I am surprised, I expected this to happen, but its hard for me to concentrate on my job. I am depressed. My man can tell something is wrong, but I tell him i'm upset about my court case. I've been ignoring my cat. I've been ignoring my friends, or boring them with poa talk. like, I hate the fact that something that I wish wasn't a big deal is affecting me so much, and I wish we could go back to how things were before he was my poa, like 3 months ago.
maybe oversharing and a little off topic, but that's what I had on my mind.
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Post by squirrelpoppin on Apr 12, 2013 20:48:24 GMT -8
It is April 2013. I have been consistently trying NC since June 2011. We started off as partying buddies (alcohol) in Sept. 2010 and we were renting the same house. We quickly became sexual. He said from the start he did not want a "relationship." I set out to change his mind. I was successful and he began expressing love for me; we both loved each other.
I decided I needed to stop drinking and began attending AA. He tried it but it never was his genuine desire. He was smoking crack, drunk, always broke, dishonest, and always blamed me for every fight. I made him move out because I became intolerant of the above behaviors. I started NC but, in time, I contacted him and we would be together again until I became intolerant again. I broke up with him 10 times in 2012; each time with NC. We kept getting back together, each time was shorter as I was on an emotional rollercoaster. I was having a very hard time staying sober and kept slipping whenever we would fight.
In Sept. 2012 I moved 900 miles away from him and did NC again. Eventually, I called him and we started talking on the phone everyday. Finally, on Dec. 1st I got serious about sobriety and remain sober today. I have had LA slips with POA up until one month ago. He told me he is having unprotected sex with other women. This makes me very sad. I feel heartbroken.
I changed my phone number and gave my cell phone to my sponsor. Tonight, it is a good thing that she has my cell phone because I am hurting pretty bad. I cannot sleep because my mind is ruminating about what he is doing and with who. I am severely depressed and taking anti-depressants. I go to therapy once a week. I have worked 7 steps in AA and am on 8&9 right now. I have a strong belief in God and trust him to help me through this.
Honestly, this is the hardest withdrawal I have ever experienced. I have not accepted the finality of the break up deep down inside. I realize I must do this, but so far I have not. I am disappointed in myself even though I was willing to move my life across the country in order to succeed;it isn't over yet in my mind.
POA does not have a computer or a car or money so he cannot get in touch with me unless he writes me a letter. So far, he has not written. I have these fantasies that he will show up at my door and we will kiss and have sex. I feel like a jerk because I still want him even though being with him is so painful and has never worked in the past.
I mostly lay around, sleep, eat, and gain weight. I go to AA meetings almost everyday. I have no desire to date; mostly because I hate myself so much that I do not have anything to offer anyone at this point.
I am grateful for this site and everyone who posts here.
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Post by jewell on Apr 12, 2013 21:06:47 GMT -8
hi squirrelpoppin. If you are on the 8th step in AA that means you must have a Higher Power right? Put it all in His hands and let it go. Go with the flow and He will set your course right. Try not to overanalyze and live in the moment. I could not do this at all at first. I didn't have much of a chance until I got my antidepressant. I got it to the right dose and now I have a much easier time dealing with life on life's terms. This is just some things that help me.
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Post by LovelyJune on Apr 13, 2013 3:16:51 GMT -8
Are you reading any books on love addiction right now? Please do. Read everything possible. Your trouble does NOT stem from love. You do not love this person as though you may think and he does not love you. Your trouble is extremely low self-esteem. A person who likes herself does not allow a man who smokes crack, drinks or lies any where near her. Why? Because she likes herself too much. She demands and knows she deserves to be around people who take care of themselves.
When you start to like yourself and increase your self esteem, the pain of loss for this person will go away.
Read also The Self-Esteem Workbook. Buy it. DO the exercises. Start to learn how to manage your life and when you do, your life will begin to change.
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Post by Loveanimals on Apr 13, 2013 7:46:18 GMT -8
I'm finding a constant state of fatigue through withdrawal. I feel like i have to pound coffee to get through the day at work and then I come home and crash. Husband is getting resentful that he has to do more child care and work while I'm away at therapy and meetings at night. He says it's all a "waste of time" yet doesn't realize how unmanageable my life was before.
How does one get through the fatigue? I see people at AA meetings drinking coffee, smoking and eating cookies and wonder if they're all just focusing on alcohol and not the other drugs of coffee, smoking and sugar?
I feel that the drama and loss of dopamine hits is just making me exhausted.
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Post by LovelyJune on Apr 13, 2013 9:36:54 GMT -8
Give yourself time. You are supposed to be exhausted. Stop trying to perk yourself up and REST!  Listen to your body. It's telling you it's tired. |
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Post by fluttershy on Apr 13, 2013 10:18:12 GMT -8
i yo yo with coffee, i go thru constants highs and low. If i'm drinking too much and not feeling the effect, then its time to withdrawl from that. But i am lucky that when i withdrawl from coffee i dont get headaches as people describe... overall, i just get angry that i'm not drinking coffee! very angry, indeed!
i also go thru a yo yo effect with health and exercise. One month i'll keep up with my exercise routine, eat right. Then next two months (such as now) i cringe at the idea, or i'll say theres not enough time. I get scared, truthfully. There's fear of feeling, the work, that comes from doing. And currently, I am feeling a bit depressed from not checking on my POA.
With my diet and exercise, I feel inspired looking at before and after pics and motivational stories. But i also get stuck there, I read reviews on amazon for 2hours comparing this video versus that video. When i could have already done my exercise video by that time already plus showered. When all in all its my fear of feeling the work that keeps me from doing... yep, so i'll try think my self to a solution, which there's no thinking my way thru on something I'm trying to avoid feeling.
For a while I got into this habit of also overchecking what I'm eating. I could obsess about what is the best food to in eat in the morning. I need a good healthy portion, with colorful vegetables, but not that banana cause of x reason... But before i knew its was 2 pm and I haven't eaten anything cause I got so caught up on not being sure, I was stressing out over a banana or orange or apple-oh screw the whole thing called breakfast! My therapist pointed out, that I needed a few minute to validate myself. What came up was I was feeling very tired. I was tired of taking care of my self. But that I needed to honor that feeling lovingly instead of judging it. I also had to give my self permission to let my wounded inner child to express and feel tired. Which was also scary. We did an EFT session on that, where I cried very deeply, but I also stepped in as my loving adult self and was able to feel nurtured in a way i didn't feel in a long time.
I forget about that. Its very valid to feel tired of taking care of yourself. Honor those feelings lovingly without judgement.
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Post by Loveanimals on Apr 13, 2013 10:59:52 GMT -8
Thank you LovelyJune it is tough being married to someone who doesn't understand what I'm going through and thinks it's all hogwash. Instead of escaping with texting a POA now I have to be present with what is going on and that's exhausting in itself, plus with the expectations that relaxing is laziness and I should constantly be doing housework all weekend.
I am going to take a nap now!
fluttershy have you tried DBT? It has helped me with those racing thoughts.
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Post by fluttershy on Apr 13, 2013 17:57:18 GMT -8
I have not tried DBT. How has it helped you?
I have done EFT, and when I remember to do it, it is helpful... But there are times when I need more guidance.
I do see guidance counselor and NLP hypnotherapist... But I can't afford them right now. Hence, I have been posting a lot. I plan to go back to one, but I don't think I can continue to do both.
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Post by Loveanimals on Apr 13, 2013 19:16:48 GMT -8
Hi fluttershy,
I just had my 3rd DBT class and yes it has helped a lot, especially in withdrawal!
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Post by Loving My Life on Apr 14, 2013 6:05:06 GMT -8
loveanimals, if you need a nap, then you can take a nap. I deal with the same issue like you do, with your living arrangement, but he does not bother me anymore, I keep doing my recovery, and I have learned with time, to just tune him out, I don't even heard him anymore. It takes practice but you will get there too.
We come first now, and the more they see this, it will cause them to become more insecure within themselves, they are slowly losing control over us. And this is progress.
You are doing so good now, just keep moving forward, with your recovery, it feels uncomfortable at times, but at least you know you are doing what is right for you.
Keep coming back.
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Post by Loveanimals on Apr 15, 2013 7:23:36 GMT -8
Hi Loving My Life,
Thank you so much, the exhaustion is huge and because I'm working hard at recovery I can tell husband doesn't like it.
He says my therapy and groups is a "waste of time", yet while in addiction he ran total control over the household, now I am more aware of what is going on around me and using my voice more. I'm sure that is frightening to him. Even my daughter doesn't know what to do with it and started saying things to upset me.
I decided to go back up to my prescribed dose of my antidepressant, my dr. has told me to stop cutting it down yet I want to go off of them as I've been on them for years, just now isn't the time in withdrawal. I hope that helps me function better.
How is one able to work at their job during withdrawal is what I would like to know? And function in every day life?
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Post by sendmike1 on May 28, 2013 20:59:40 GMT -8
Well last night and the night before i did some breath work and felt really good this morning..But the withdraw feelings came back to me this evening..about to do some more breath work but wanted to share and get these feelings out.. I feel very alone right now..I have been interacting with a few friends, male friends, but it seems i am playing out the same dependent patterns with these male friends as i did with my POA..It only takes a few weeks and i feel like i am wanting to hang out with them all the time.. Feel like i am wanting to hang out with people to avoid all this pain in me. But i think people unconsciously feel that and feel the pull or dependence i am putting out and they unconsciously push me away.. I can look back over 40 years and see this pattern has repeated so many times..Really depressing thinking about it  I feel like i am just working and existing..Empty and alone.. I want connection, joy and people in my life... It makes me feel even worse cause i think my POA has all that..That my neediness and control pushed her away. Regardless of her, i need to take care of this other problem right now.. I guess the steps, some meetings, and exercise is a good place to start.. |
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wildrose
New Member
What to do, what to do.
Posts: 19 
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Post by wildrose on Aug 17, 2013 16:58:01 GMT -8
I am in a different kind of withdrawal. I don't have a POA, I am not obsessing about anyone right now. I have been reading Pia Mellody'a book Facing Love Addiction, and what I have realized is that it's NEVER going to happen. I am never going to find what I want - a man who will give me unconditional love and attention 24/7. Because what I have desparately wanted, desired, thought I would die without is not a real thing that grown ups are capable of. It's a the child like fantasy of the child I was when all this started. My withdrawal is not from a person, but from an idea. A fantasy, and my sadness and grief right now are about how my life has been devastated by my clinging to this fantasy. I will not have what I have always wanted. It does not exist. And never did. I am 61 years old and this is hard to face, although I know that freedom is what I will earn by facing it. Hard stuff.
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Post by Loveanimals on Aug 17, 2013 17:18:58 GMT -8
Hi wildrose,
I agree with you I've pushed away so many men lashing out at them for not contacting me enough, yet is that realistic to expect one man to shower us with attention 24/7? If we showered one man with that attention we'd never work, pay bills, clean the house, care for the children, exercise, etc!
I think cell phones have made this expectation worse.
All we can do is recognize that this is not healthy thinking and find ways to change it. I know many of us now find dating to be tough to act in a different way, yet that is what recovery is all about, a new beginning!
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sam
New Member
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Post by sam on Aug 25, 2013 11:44:33 GMT -8
I feel so lost right now. I recently had a conversation in person with my POA and he told me he can't have me in his life right now. I'm devastated. I'm scared he will forget me. Forget all the amazing times we had. I can't function. I feel useless and unworthy of anything good.
I have panic attacks all the time, which keeps me from doing anything. I can't understand how he can carry on while I'm in so much pain.
I keep crying finding myself asking "why is this happening"?! I really just want to die. I honestly don't think I can do this. He was my bestfriend, the love of my life and that's all suddenly gone. None of my friends understand, they tell me to move on that I'm too old to wait for him to come around. They don't get the closeness we had.
I'm constantly checking my phone to see if he texts me. I have the worst anxiety. I'm so scared it's making me sick. I can't breathe or relax. Sleeping is impossible, I even dream about him.
I feel so completely alone. The saddness is killing, I feel like my hearts going to stop. I don't think I'll ever be as happy as I was with him ever again. I want to disappear.
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Post by Loving My Life on Aug 25, 2013 12:20:20 GMT -8
Welcome Sam, When you feel up to it, can you go to the Newcomers thread and post your story with us? Let us know how you found this forum? And what your recover goals are? And also let us know if you are currently in a 12 step program, or therapy?
First off I am sorry you are in so much pain right now, but you will get through all of this pain, it takes time and a lot of work, I would not focus a lot on your poa (person of addiction) right now you need to rest and try to stay no contact with him. Your life is not over it is far from that, we heal and we grow up in recovery, and you will be better than ever.
I was the same way you are today when I first came to this forum, I obsessed over the text messages and phone calls, my head was spinning wondering what my poa was doing, and over time and lot of work I can say what he is doing really does not cross my mind much, at least he is not driving me insane anymore.
So for today, try to rest, and if you can find some meditation online try some mindless meditation, this will slow down your thoughts. If you need to scream please feel free to do so, as long as the police want be called, and you can also beat the stuffing out of a pillow.
Start doing some daily affirmations. Get a notebook and start to journal, writing is very therapeutic in recovery, you will be amazed what comes out on paper, and this will clear your thoughts as well.
You are not alone, we are here for you, please post often, we have all been where you are today.
Lean on your higher power at this time to comfort you, and ask him to heal your heart and your mind.
Try to find a Codependent Womens group in your area if possible, and be around women, they will comfort us, and not take advantage of our vulnerabilities right now.
Again welcome, keep coming back, it works if you work it, and you are worth it.
One day at a time.
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wildrose
New Member
What to do, what to do.
Posts: 19
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Post by wildrose on Aug 26, 2013 0:01:14 GMT -8
Yes, my obsession with 24/7 love and attention is the fantasy of a 4 year old. It does not exist in "Grown Up Ville." I am experiencing some depression as the 4 year old me realizes and digests this fact. It ain't gonna happen. Sigh. And that's what happens when we lose our POA - we experience the emotion from this child like part of us that can be so devastated and panicky - she doesn't know yet that she has a grown up to take care of her - we are still learning in reoovery how to be that grown up. We will learn and it will get better.
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Listen to your body. It's telling you it's tired. 
