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Post by Susan Peabody on Aug 26, 2013 12:37:39 GMT -8
I feel so lost right now.
Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a soul like mine. For I was lost and now I found. I was blind, but now I see.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Aug 26, 2013 12:38:09 GMT -8
I feel so lost right now.
Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a soul like mine. For I was lost, and now I'm found. I was blind, but now I see.
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wildrose
New Member
What to do, what to do.
Posts: 19
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Post by wildrose on Aug 27, 2013 10:32:29 GMT -8
I am not currently with anyone. Don't have a POA. For the first time in my life, I am grieving over my losses, seeing my life as it is =- all the craziness I have created for me and my family through this addiction. I currently have NO interest in meeting, or fantasizing about anyone. I am facing my pain, the first step recognition of a life time of unmanageability, and as long as I stay focused on that, I don't feel the need to go back into the addictive process. This makes me feel like I am truly in recovery. I feel a little flat, and have to keep a keen eye on my secondary addiction - compulsive spending and debting. Yeah, I feel a little flat, and sad a lot of the time, but not deeply depressed. I have pledged a year without men, and my hope is that my biochemistry will correct itself, and I won't need fantasies to keep me feeling okay about myself and about life. Here's hoping!
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Post by Loving My Life on Aug 27, 2013 10:39:26 GMT -8
Wildrose, when we do remove ourselves from the drama of this obsession, we do feel flat, but with time you will adjust to a lot less chaos. Relationship are not suppose to be a lot of intense drama, this is not healthy. You will learn that serenity is a lot less stressful and you will be able to get a lot more done in your life now. Being in a obsessed, drama filled relationship takes a lot out of us. So just try to find healthy things to do now, and meetings, and other women to hang around with right now. Meditation is a wonderful way to relax you mind, and relieve stress from your body also.
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nina
New Member
Posts: 7
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Post by nina on Sept 24, 2013 19:04:01 GMT -8
I have the "highs" and "lows". One day, I am strong and hopeful. The next minute I feel pain and doubt. I ask over and over, "why doesn't my POA care that he's hurting me?". Next minute, I remind myself that he's not, he has no power to hurt me. I am hurting me. And, so on.
Once in awhile I have dark thoughts. Mostly, I have the headaches and I feel tired. BUT, I obtained professional help and this forum really does help.
Today, I treated myself to a "Dilbert" comic book from the library. It's not a big thing, but it keeps my brain entertained for a bit. Like a mini-oasis.
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Post by Loving My Life on Sept 25, 2013 3:37:48 GMT -8
nina, what you are going through is normal, my thoughts of my poa invaded me for along time, but this is where the rubber meets the road, we do not cave into those thoughts, they are only thoughts. And you are doing the right thing, you are going to therapy, and you are reaching out on this forum, you are getting new hobbies for yourself, and if you can find some SLAA or Codependent, AL-Anon meetings this would help also.
Being in recovery is not for weak people, you have to be strong to fight the temptations of reaching out to your poa. I know for myself as I moved along and I was getting better each day, especially when I would feel so happy, I would want to contact my poa, and if I did it would put me right back where I was, and it would always take me a few days to settle back down from having contact with him, so remember this, our poa's are still the same, we are the ones changing for the better. It feels like pulling yourself out of quicksand sometimes, but keep moving forward.
And your question about "why doesn't my poa care that he is hurting me", when you have these thoughts, turn it around to "he never cared". he never cared, and keep repeating this to yourself, this is what I had to do. Because that was the truth, and it will make you stronger, yes it hurts, but we have to be honest with ourselves, and our addiction is still there and it will try to convince us that our thinking is screwed up, and it is not, we are on the road to recovery.
Good for you for getting a comic book, laughter is good also, we have to find balance at this time, it is like we are fighting the good and toxic in our minds, but always let the good win, even if you have slips, this is just part of the healing process.
P/S: I will tell you this, so you don't get disappointed, it has taken me almost 3 years to be completely rid of my poa and to get to the point of feeling nothing for him, and the last 6 months of not taking his calls, and saying over and over again NO, NO, NO, he has finally given up, and when these thoughts cross my mind now of him, and I realize he never cared anything about me, it is very sad, and it just proves to me how sick this man really is. He fed me nothing but lies for 4 years, and if you can do another human being this way, will there is nothing to say about him anymore, he is dead to me now.
The only positive from this whole experience is that I can share my experience, strength, and hope with others to let them know don't ever give up on you and your recovery.
Keep coming back, it works if you work it, and you are worth it.
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nina
New Member
Posts: 7
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Post by nina on Sept 26, 2013 17:40:58 GMT -8
Thank you, LML. Your wisdom and strength are very encouraging. It's a crazy dance between the good and toxic, isn't it. Two steps forward...
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shon
New Member
Posts: 36
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Post by shon on Sept 30, 2013 17:05:29 GMT -8
It's a painful process, NC. My POA seems to get a kick out of me texting or calling him. He doesn't know how hurtful he is and I find I'm ok until I contact him.
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shon
New Member
Posts: 36
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Post by shon on Oct 1, 2013 6:01:53 GMT -8
I'm hurting so badly right now. My POA said some very hurtful and horrible things and I wonder if there's happiness beyond the darkness I'm facing right now. I'm made to feel guilty for leaving when I suffered emotional abuse at the hands of my POA. Now there's just divorce pending. Praying for strength....
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Post by Loving My Life on Oct 1, 2013 6:11:58 GMT -8
Yes there is happiness after all of the darkness. You don't have to feel guilty about anything now, you are taking care of yourself. And if your poa is trying to make you feel guilty, this is only a control tactic, don't pay any attention to him anymore. Just keep walking, stop trying to make something work, that you higher power has already shut the door on. STOP trying to make this work. It is over.
The pain will never begin to heal, if you don't walk away from this. It will only continue and it will only get worse.
And pay attention to your inner child now, she is running the show, not your adult, let your adult shon run the show now. Just stop hurting yourself.
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shon
New Member
Posts: 36
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Post by shon on Oct 5, 2013 3:56:57 GMT -8
Day 2 of NC. Thursday was the straw that broke the camels back. He accused me of cheating and sleeping around so I could climb up the corporate ladder. Made me realise what a cold twisted individual he is and how long I've listened to and tolerated this emotional drama and abuse. I deserve to be treated better and feel myself getting stronger. I have no more feelings for this man. It's like he doesn't exist and now it's just about taking care of myself, my inner child and praying for strength...
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Post by Loveanimals on Oct 5, 2013 20:44:49 GMT -8
Hi shon,
No Contact is the only way to handle this man....
If you step out of the picture, think about it? Who would want someone to accuse you of cheating and sleeping around to climb up the corporate ladder?
Just on the outside looking in, that sounds awful!
I know after No Contact with my POA I won't tolerate that type of emotional abuse from anyone!
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shon
New Member
Posts: 36
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Post by shon on Oct 7, 2013 3:30:50 GMT -8
Thanks....I know he is being malicious because he is broke and unhappy now I'm not there to take care of him and now he can't control me. I am much happier with NC. I'm getting less of the panic attacks about being all alone and compare the peace in my life to the accusations and jealousy which had no basis, and the anxiety of being alone goes away....
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shon
New Member
Posts: 36
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Post by shon on Oct 17, 2013 12:59:01 GMT -8
The days of NC are really good and the minute I have any txt/call from my ex I am a mess. I can see the benefit of withdrawal from my POA but I guess it takes failure and success over and over to finally achieve success!!!
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Post by iamastar on Oct 27, 2013 10:34:59 GMT -8
After two years, part of me is still in withdrawal. I saw my POA and his girlfriend at an event two weeks ago (didn't know he was going to be there). He was being very friendly to me, and when he was about to leave I went into another room and broke down into tears - simply because I couldn't take the thought of him leaving me.
I know it may be painful to hear, but I don't think that feeling will ever go away completely.
But that doesn't mean that it won't lessen to an extent where it is far less powerful. Time really has changed a lot, and I know now what a good life I have, thanks to the work i did back when I was in so much pain. Some part of my mind will always go to the places I'm trying to keep it from, and seek out all the pain and ask naive questions and wonder, but I've learned two things:
Time spent thinking and wondering about him is wasted time. This is the truth that hurts the most.
Beating myself up over it isn't good for anything. If I find that I have wasted 30 minutes of my life thinking about why he was staring at me all night and making my own cinderella-love-story continuation of that stare, I let it be and move on. No blaming myself for doing it, no going over it again. I just stop. And although it seems impossible to stop thinking about it sometimes (like it's my brains default mode), it really isn't. I've found that I can always get to a better place if I truly and honestly make a decision to go there.
Lots of light.
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britt
Junior Member
Posts: 99
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Post by britt on Feb 12, 2014 13:17:41 GMT -8
Withdrawal for me is depression. I dont want to wake up in the morning. Days are long and grey and i just want the night to come back. Withdrawal is to have lots of triggers: some smell i remember, some random word he said, signing on my email or looking at my phone just enough to make my stomach jump.
Withdrawal is to dream each and every night with him for the last 2 weeks. In my dreams he is the cutest and nicest guy on earth.
Withdrawal is a sour taste in my mouth. Always. Withdrawal is dying a little each day but at the same time, its the light will save me.
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Post by sleeplessinseattle on Apr 24, 2014 5:54:37 GMT -8
I am treating my withdrawal like I was treated when I was taken off of sleeping pills-like I am a patient and my home is my treatment center...I am trying to be very good to myself. Lots of good food, friends, massages and working out. I make sure I take showers and get dressed every day even though there are some days I don't want to get out of bed (in truth, there were a couple of days I stayed in bed and I allowed it, but self-parented myself to limit it).
It has been 6 months and I just found this site a few days ago-I wish I would have found this forum earlier-what a blessing to have this. I have been in strong denial a lot of the time, but that has lessened because of reading all of the stories here and realizing that my story is the same one. Very difficult time, but the withdrawal is dying, I feel like I am getting on the other side. I haven't talked to him in a month, but left him a message last week about how much I missed him. I made me feel like a loser. I have a fantasy that he will call me and I will not answer or call back and it will be a payback for all of the times he did the same to me. I know that thinkng is part of my sickness. My thinking is still messed up. I truly believed that he and I could be together again someday until I started reading these posts. Wow. I am processing this information and I know deep down it is true.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Apr 24, 2014 7:30:59 GMT -8
Yes, the addicted mind is a really blocked mind. It just can't see reality. Won't see it. So you're doing very well. Six months is still early days, believe it or not, in recovery terms. Your thinking is hooked on still trying to get a high from your old source, your PoA. It won't give up in a hurry, so be prepared for some patient explaining to yourself. I was seeing a counsellor in the year after I left my PoA and she used to tell me how it was sad that my PoA couldn't be there for me, because he was an addict, and how he probably couldn't change, and how painful it was for me, always taking a back seat to his addiction. (Not to mention mine, but she didn't really get love addiction).
One day I recorded her saying all this on my phone and I used it play it back to myself from time to time. It really helped. The sick thinking took a long time to leave me completely. (not that I can ever know if it's completely gone!). I would find myself feeling confused as to why and how he could let me walk out of his life, when we had this special bond. Years later he wrote me an email and apologised for his behaviour. He told me he was sorry that he couldn't love me the way he had wanted to. It was like the final piece in the puzzle for me, even though so much had changed in my life through recovery and developing healthy habits. I realised that the intense bond I used to feel so often was mine, he didn't actually feel it. He felt bonded to drugs, and me to him. He was my drug.
Some things just take time.
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Post by lawoman on Aug 13, 2014 20:43:58 GMT -8
I can't stop thinking about him. I am completely fixated. Yet, I have the strength and willpower to not contact him. But it drives me crazy that he isn't contacting me. I hope every second of every day he will call and tell he loves me. When does No Contact start to feel good? To me it feels like someone is gone, like a ghost. Just vanished forever. It feels horrible and I cannot stop fixating on him and checking me phone and praying he will call.
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Post by James C T on Aug 15, 2014 6:59:18 GMT -8
I can't stop thinking about him. I am completely fixated. Yet, I have the strength and willpower to not contact him. But it drives me crazy that he isn't contacting me. I hope every second of every day he will call and tell he loves me. When does No Contact start to feel good? To me it feels like someone is gone, like a ghost. Just vanished forever. It feels horrible and I cannot stop fixating on him and checking me phone and praying he will call. You've created a void. Your POA had a place in your life and that space is now vacant. You need to fill it with something. The best things to fill it with are things about you. Do something to improve your health. Do something to improve your mind. Do something to improve your physical space. Do some things for you. If you fill "his" gap with you, then you'll stop looking to him to fill it.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Aug 15, 2014 11:24:33 GMT -8
The mind is very complicated. Little is really known about what I call the repetition compulsion which sends compulsions that are so strong that only our ego and super-ego have any power to counter them. (Or God)A lack of ego strength leads to out of control compulsions like the one to fantasize about a PoA. Imagine your brain is a computer. Try to delete old tapes or superimpose new software. To do this pick a new thought or activity to take the place of the obsessive thoughts. Let this become your new obsessive tape. I started writing in early recovery and exchanged the obsession to be loved with the desire to be an author. (Be careful what you choose to take the place of the fantasies and other old software. Don't exchange the old stuff with new unhealthy addictions.) I also filled my head with stuff I heard at meetings every day, working the steps. I filled my whole head with recovery stuff and affirmations and eventually they took the place of the obsession about my PoA. I call all this displacement, transference, changing your mind, or pushing aside the obsession. Hard, but others have done it.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Aug 15, 2014 11:25:59 GMT -8
The mind is very complicated. Little is really known about what I call the repetition compulsion which sends compulsions that are so strong that only our ego and super-ego have any power to counter them. (Or God)A lack of ego strength leads to out of control compulsions like the one to fantasize about a PoA. Imagine your brain is a computer. Try to delete old tapes or superimpose new software. To do this pick a new thought or activity to take the place of the obsessive thoughts. Let this become your new obsessive tape. I started writing in early recovery and exchanged the obsession to be loved with the desire to be an author. (Be careful what you choose to take the place of the fantasies and other old software. Don't exchange the old stuff with new unhealthy addictions.) I also filled my head with stuff I heard at meetings every day, working the steps. I filled my whole head with recovery stuff and affirmations and eventually they took the place of the obsession about my PoA. I call all this displacement, transference, changing your mind, or pushing aside the obsession. Hard, but others have done it.
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Post by lawoman on Aug 15, 2014 21:45:48 GMT -8
Thank you. This is all so helpful. I definitely want to replace my fixations with healthy habits. I know I can do it.
I think what bothers me, is someone who you loved and spent a great deal of your life with is essentially gone. It's almost like they've died.
How do you grieve and still move towards getting healthy? How can you balance coping and grieving?
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Post by James C T on Aug 17, 2014 17:21:44 GMT -8
How do you grieve and still move towards getting healthy? How can you balance coping and grieving? I would suggest taking a cue from death grieving, allowing yourself to feel whatever you're feeling about the missing person, but then, after a time, doing something else. You feel the feeling, but you don't do anything about the person who is gone, which in a death you can't. You have to decide that you POA is effectively dead. When you think about revisiting that relationship, it's like digging up a corpse. Just a thought.
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newera
Junior Member
Feeling hopeful
Posts: 72
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Post by newera on Aug 26, 2014 21:05:47 GMT -8
lawoman, I think grieving is part of coping. Grieving is totally natural and healthy. Let yourself grieve in a safe place and when you have to go out and do something tell your self you are just taking a break and you can grieve more later. The day after my husband left I had to get up and go to a friends wedding. I still don't know how the heck I got through that. I think I just told myself to stuff my emotions for the moment and that I could totally break down when I got back home. And then I just took it day by day from there. I was finishing up school and I would cry all the way there, I'd stuff it again while I was at school and then I would cry all the way home again. It wasn't easy, but I did it, I'm here and I'm getting better every day. You can do it too.
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Post by feelingcrazy3101 on Nov 25, 2014 16:47:39 GMT -8
3 days into withdrawal from my POA. Where to begin...I found out 4 days ago the man I was dating for only 2 months had sex with another women. Here I am 3 days later depressed, crying, feeling like stuff, and skipping work because I have crying fits spontaneously. I feel like such a fool for falling for his charming seduction, for getting attached, and for ignoring the signs of his emotional unavailability. I feel like dying because it hurts so much. I am so angry at him and at myself for picking yet another bad egg. I know that NC is what I need to do...but I keep sending him emails, then waiting anticipating his response. He hasn't responded yet which of course makes me crazy. I just want him pay attention to me to care about me. I know that is intense need for a man to want me stems from my abandonment as a child. I know that wanting to connect with an emotional unavailable man is my need to heal that wound from childhood...but even with that knowledge and the awareness that this man will only continue to hurt me...I still have this uncontrollable need to connect with him anyway. I feel so sick. I feel so out of control.
I find myself fantasizing about how he will realise that he made a mistake, he will apologise for his mistake, and promise that it will never happen again. I in my fantasy will forgive him and of course we will live happily ever after. As I write this I realise how silly that sounds and unrealistic that is but that is what I am thinking in between my crying fits. I just want the pain to go away so I create the illusion that he can take the pain he created away....again such a crazy delusional thought. I also understand that the pain of his abandonment is more intense for me because I am experiencing his abandonment and the abandonment of my father so a double dose of pain.
I also know that when he does contact me we will be back in the cycle of him seducing me and me thinking that he cares because he is paying attention to me. It will be the seduction until he has me hooked again then he will move onto his addiction outside the relationship (other women). The love addict-love avoidant cycle. I just pray that when he does contact me I will remember what is happening and not be sucked in again. That I will have the ability to be strong and not texted him back.
In this moment as I write this post I surrender my need to contact him, my need to have him contact me, my need to be wanted by him, and all my fantasies I create in my mind about him.
FC
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Post by LovelyJune on Nov 26, 2014 1:59:01 GMT -8
Hi feelingcrazy,
Hang in there! I love that you have "surrendered" the need to contact. Your emotional brain (the child within you) wants only a fantasy character. You want only someone you have control over, who can be what you want on YOUR terms, not his. Part of growing up and using your logical brain (the adult in you) is accepting people's choices, even when that means rejection of you. This is VERY hard to do. But like I said, hang in there. The more you face the pain and the reality of what is happening, the less likely you are to let the cycle continue.
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Post by feelingcrazy3101 on Dec 13, 2014 14:39:18 GMT -8
Day 21 of not seeing my POA, 20 days of no texting or calling, 7 days no emails. I write this list of things every day to keep myself accountable for my behavior. I feel a sense of accomplishment when I can add another day...and I sense of disappointment in myself when I can't add another number to the list ( ie: I emailed him on day 9...and then had to start again at 1) I also write the things I have done that are good for myself everyday. Like...got out of bed...went to work...worked out...I didn't text him today...ect. and put big stars by something new or by the ones that were really hard to do that day...like not respond to his email... I thank my HP for the ability to block emails. I am thank my HP everyday that my POA doesn't text me...because I can't block text messages.
I also been doing a lot of journaling...when the urge is strong to contact him I ask myself what is the message that is going through my mind. Today I wrote this message I was telling myself....a shame based message...I AM A UNEMPATHIC woman BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO CONTINUE A RELATIONSHIP WITH A LIAR AND A CHEATER. Past this message the underlying lies I am telling myself are: There is something wrong with me because I am not enough( I won't give him what he wants).
So I then wrote the Truth: IF SOMEONE CONSIDERS THAT ME NOT WANTING A LIAR AND A CHEATER IN MY LIFE AS UNEMPATHIC THEN I AM UNEMPATHIC(IN ANOTHER'S OPINION)... I GIVE MYSELF PERMMISSION TO TAKE OF MYSELF AND IF TAKING CARE OF MYSELF REQUIRES ME TO ELIMINATE DYSFUNTION IN MY LIFE THAT IS OK... WHAT OTHER'S THINK OF ME IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS. It felt good to telling myself the truth....THE URGE TO CONTACT HIM IS GONE...I am grateful for this space to share my story...I learned that to stop the shame spiral I need: 1. Know the messages that I am telling myself.2.Reality check the message.3.Reach out and talk about my shame.
FC
FC
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Dec 13, 2014 14:59:33 GMT -8
FC - you absolutely Rock!
This is awesome stuff -- you are really doing the deal. I love your fighting spirit - hold on to the truth! You will weather the storm!
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honey
Junior Member
Newcomer Greeter
Posts: 70
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Post by honey on Dec 14, 2014 0:56:33 GMT -8
I absolutelt agree with lovely june. When I am passing through withdrawal, I some times have a panic attack. Even several weeks ago after finishing my work I started to cry like someone who has lost a baby! I can remember I have always had this huge amount of pain in me. Even when I was 18 with my first boy friend so many times I have been starting crying with out verh strong cause. Even recently in my academic semester in a final exam I had that panic attack! I think addiction is all about pain and how our brain started to get high from our sense of being in love to compensate the deep pain we heve faced growing up! Recently I have found in times I feel much pain I just listen to a GOD loves song or I Am A GOD GIRL song and instantly I feel my heart is warming by something positive some energy like light. Just give it a try in your next time of anxiety or feeling pain deep down. I suugest Jami Grace songs!
Sent from my SGH-M919V using proboards
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