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Post by AdAstra on Mar 10, 2015 12:32:47 GMT -8
I'm having a rough time . I have not seen my POA since March 1st and I was doing okay for about 5 days and bam it me. I swing into withdrawal . I get thoughts of suicide even though I don't want to kill myself. I get thoughts of hurting myself I can't get out of bed. This worries me because I need to make money to pay rent and to pay for good but I have days where I'll choose to stay in bed . I have been trying to stay away from this person for a year now and what happens we break up and go back together break up back together. Mostly my doing . He's an addict he's not healthy yet I still try to get my fix. Susan's post about how she feels through withdrawal is how I feel . My mom has BPD sometimes I feel I have a mild verson of it because I see healthy people go through break ups and they are able to go to work. I am embarrassed as well as I live with my friend and her bf and I'm embarrassed of them seeing me just sleeping or laying there. I heard her bf say I was lazy (which I know it's not true I am a very productive person when I am "high" . I am in slaa I work the last steps which help me tremendously my mind is somewhat better than it was but physically my body feel exchausted I'm afraid I'm going to be stuck like this forever
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Post by LovelyJune on Mar 11, 2015 2:30:32 GMT -8
Try to turn all your emotions into logical explanations. You are envisioning "hurting" yourself because right now you are overwhelmed and do not want to deal with life. You have not yet learned how to MANAGE life. The same with wanting the PoA back. If you're sick, hurt, dead or with your PoA you do not have to face ANY PART of your life. You can remain avoidant. For the first time in your life, you are FACING yourself and it feels awkward and uncomfortable. HANG IN THERE. It gets better. You WILL adapt and get stronger. It's just a matter of time.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Mar 11, 2015 3:33:03 GMT -8
It really is possible to make huge changes in your life. A great therapist helps, as do 12 step programs and good friends. It's probably never going to be easy, but we can try to love ourselves enough to be kind to us, even if for only a moment. We deserve it.
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Post by ~w~ on Mar 12, 2015 12:04:13 GMT -8
To brake up it was easy part. It's me who had to brake from addictions throughall my love life. The first hours was big panic , keep looking waking Arround, and waitting for ,, drug,,. Then it's getting to my brain as I wanted this so I should be happy. And these feelings like shock waves comes and goes. Then suicide thoughts, wanting to die, feeling life is not worth living without drug. I'd say about 4 mnth of constant crying , anger, depression, insomnia, overeating , trying to change habit from one to another. Sex addiction. Very hard draining 3-4 mnth. Praying, reading,and isolating myself because like hurt animal I need to dig myself in hole And have no pleasure go out. Feel like lost my indentity, joy. It's not first time so I know It will get better. trust is completly broken for people. Struggle hard to speak with males. Also tryed to get my drug back... Physical or nature or sex addiction kicked in,, but heard same things , and HP kept me going. This board and people support in here was and is big part off my recovery beginning .its very very hard . I have no identity .i still think about poa, I think he's defo moved on, how pathetic .. I ll wait for you how long it will takes you to get better... It's just keep playing in my mind how I could believe a man! It's hard to accept that it is over and beautiful things we had it's gone forever . Acceptance that I have to carry on on my own without a man( feeling that it's rong not to have dad. For kids, partner for me) .. It's all needs time and acceptance. I feeling much better these days . And my grief it's still not over. But am moving forward.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Mar 16, 2015 12:31:08 GMT -8
Good on you for being able to look closely and clearly at your own behaviour here. It really will get easier and you are through the worst of it. And yes, the longing for your PoA can last a long time, but our job (mine too) is to remind ourselves of the reality of the time we spent with them. How much was "beautiful" and how much was lonely, angry, stressed. frustrated, or depressed?
You will find that the balance is on the negative. It has to be, otherwise they would not be a PoA and you would not need this board. We attach and get addicted to the unavailable, because it is safe for us. We have to get into recovery and change our own relationship to ourselves. Until I love myself completely, like a parent loves a child, I can't really be there for other people. As soon as they trigger me by displaying one of my own unhealed behaviours, I won't be able to accept them.
It's a long road, but the point is, there's nowhere to get. The journey is the destination. To get into recovery to be able to have a healthy relationship with a man is to put the cart before the horse again. That's the beauty of a rock bottom. At rock bottom we are fighting for our lives, not for a man. I was.
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Post by ~w~ on Mar 16, 2015 23:00:32 GMT -8
Very well said. Loved what you explained about positives and negatives. I felt lonely , jealous !!, insecure! , not healthy, , addicted, not good enough, when he talked with other females - betrayed! naive of believing , ashamed , guilty. I was unavailable too. I knew he had anger issues , and first though was no way am getting involved with him. But I can deal with that ( inner child). Can you imagine I was degrading by installing my spy software in his phone! And I wa thinking Bout myself as intelligent, and good person. But in reality am scared and destroyed by my relationship .need to get up . Pull myself together and grow up. Thank you for your replay. How are you feeling? What other arrears been affected by withdrawal?
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Mar 18, 2015 10:38:31 GMT -8
You're welcome. I'm feeling tired and sad, but also grateful. I'd say withdrawal affects all areas of a woman's life (or a mans). It's like depression, it is the underlying view of the world that colours everything. There is only one way through, and it can take a lifetime to find. There are many addictions!
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Post by ~w~ on Mar 18, 2015 22:51:56 GMT -8
I want to share smth with you. I feel sad too. Yesterday I felt asleep so earlier with book in my bed. And today I was looking through some notes I keep In my phone. Maybe this will help .
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Post by ~w~ on Mar 18, 2015 22:52:06 GMT -8
I've been reading a lot of posts lately where the individual (the LA) is focusing his or her recovery on finding, maintaining, waiting for or trying to create A BETTER RELATIONSHIP, as if having a loving, intimate perfect relationship were a sign that he or she has beat this whole love addiction thing. THIS IS NOT THE CASE. Love addiction has little or nothing to do with the external world of dating and finding love. I think this is the hardest thing for any of us (me included) to understand. So I'll repeat it: Love addiction has little or nothing to do with the external world of dating and/or finding love. It has to do with your own, personal inner ability to love YOURSELF and BELIEVE IN YOURSELF and not use relationships or people as a means of escaping your pain and suffering. In fact, I will go so far as to tell you that by focusing so heavily on your recovery for the sake of being good at a relationship, you are continuing the faulty pattern that got you into the mess in the first place. And by "mess," I'm talking about your addiction (NOT your relationship, NOT your PoA). Your addiction: That draining, exhausting, undermining, self-sabatoging defense mechanism that YOU built for yourself many years ago to protect you at some point (not from dating, mind you, but from pain; physical, mental, sexual or emotional), and which has now become a defective, poorly functioning crutch. Not only has it become a crutch, but it has become something you don't even recognize anymore. Suddenly, now that you're older, you think you have a problem with men or women or relationships in general (and you do, but...) But you think, if I can just figure out how to BE in relationship, I'll be fine. Sadly, that's not the answer. In fact, it's the problem. And it's resurfacing and resurfacing and resurfacing with each new relationship you get into. My wonderful, loving mother used to say to me, "Tracy, God gives you the same problem over and over again until you figure out how to fix it and get it right. When you fix it, the problem never comes back again." She was so right. For the longest time I thought I was just dating the wrong guy or I was weird, different, strange. I bought a MILLION books on how to repair a relationship. I bought self-help books on how to love myself and how to be the perfect person I could be...I did all of this for the sake of finding the right man. Little did I know I was trying to fix something that was not even broken. I was trying to fix something that I had NO CONTROL OVER: men, dating, love, etc. I was trying to fix the wrong thing! In fact, as recently as last year, I thought I had finally overcome all my problems with men. I thought I had finally proven my worth by dating a guy that loved me and I loved him (despite a few little problems, that I supposed I had to overlook, even though they didn't make me feel too good inside). And then one day, he dumped me. One day, he said, "I don't love you. I must have made a mistake." And upon hearing that, I lost it. I lost EVERYTHING, and I came to the bitter conclusion that I was not meant for love. It was at this point in my self discovery that I FINALLY got it. Love addiction has NOTHING to do with LOVE or men or relationships. It has to do with your independent ability to survive and thrive in the face of loss and pain, and not to cover pain up by losing yourself to the relationship for safety and protection. It has to do with who you are as JUST YOU, not who you are as you relate to the relationship you're in. Recovery and self-worth come when someone dumps you or stuffs on you or beats you down or fires you and you allow it to happen without crouching and hiding. You allow it to happen and you face it and all of its consequences but you do NOT let it get the best of you. You do not identify your self worth with it. Self-worth is a huge part of a successful recovery as an LA. Self-worth is based on identity. It is based on having an identity of one's own and not feeling like a failure or feeling worthless because a relationship did or didn't work out. And considering that one of the biggest issues love addicts have is a loss of identity and loss of self, this is where recovery needs to be focused-- on finding one's own identity. The more we look to solve the problems of our lives outside ourselves, the more lost we become. And sometimes when we hold on to a failed or failing relationship it is because our identity and self-worth is so wrapped up in it. You are not that relationship. Separate yourself from the relationship and start believing in who you are and what you are worth as a man or a woman who is viable and functioning without an intimate relationship. When you have put in the time to do that, to understand who you are and recognize and make peace with your own identity, then you are more prepared when an opportunity for a relationship does come up. At that point, you don't settle. You don't take the only thing out there, or the first thing that comes along, or just anyone to make the pain go away. YEs! Everyone wants to be in a loving, intimate relationship. That is undeniable. It is also part of our biology, and it is a practical, possible, real desire. But we must have a core self first; we must know ourselves and be able to stand on our own and have something to bring to the table first before we can introduce someone new and healthy into our lives. Dating is, after all, a more advanced stage of development. It might take awhile. It might take deferring gratification and putting time and energy into developing the self. But it's worth it. You are worth it. Somewhere along the line we, as a group, learned faulty defense mechanism to get us through some pretty tough times. They worked then, when we were ten and twelve and seventeen. But they don't work anymore. Addiction is a defense mechanism. It doesn't work. And just as the alcoholic must learn to survive and know himself without the bottle, and just as a drug-addict must learn that more drugs is not the answer, we too, must stop seeking out solutions through the PoA and The Relationship. The solution, the answer is in building the self. --------------------------------- Here's a parable I always loved. You may have read it before in some variation: There was a young man searching outside his house, in the grass, for his keys. It was a sunny bright day, with lots of mid-afternoon sun streaming down. An old man came by and asked what he was doing. "I'm looking for my keys," he said. "I lost them." So, the old man wanting to help the fellow out, started looking in the grass along side of him. After awhile, the old man said, "did you maybe drop them in a different spot, because we've been looking here for a while now and I'm not seeing anything." The young man looked up from the grass and said, "Oh, I'm sorry, I should have mentioned that I lost my keys inside the house." The old man was dumbstruck. "I'm a little confused," he said. "If you lost them inside the house, why on earth are you looking for them out here?" "Because there's more sunlight," he said. Read more: loveaddictionforum.proboards.com/thread/12995/stop-focusing-on-relationship#ixzz3OKvQW8wl
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Post by Deleted on Oct 31, 2017 20:53:38 GMT -8
Metphorically it feels like my POA cut out my heart and broke it in half . . . heartbreak for sure.
Withdrawal is very physical for me.
I get suicidal. I do not want to live with the pain.
Beneath the feeling of wanting to die is my unwillingness to suffer for the greater good.
Depression definitely sets in.
I am listless.
I am nauseous.
I have headaches.
My body is exhausted.
All I can do in lie still in the bed as if I had the flu.
I wail as if someone has died.
I cry a lot and ask God "why me."
Suddenly I am the center of the universe and it is all about my pain.
I lose interest in my friends and activities.
I lose my appetite.
I lose weight.
Before recovery I used to slash my wrists. I am a cutter. We do not slash to die, just to displace the emotional pain to something physical which is more manageable. (Nail me to cross but don't break my heart.)
I put off committing suicide but I hold tight to a bottle of pain killers I have saved for just such an occasion.
Eventually time passes and I stop feeling sorry for myself. Then I just get over it like all other heartbroken people . . . one day at a time.
Here I am breathing because everything else is too painful. My breath goes up to God and he takes note of my pain. He sends help when he has time.
I just think this is beautiful. This is nearly how I experience my grief. There is a tragic beauty in this depth of suffering. It borders on a religious ecstasy in that we are self-crucifying our soul because we believe we deserve it and in this way we identify with a Christ archetype (or, more generally, the Martyr) within us. Or, some how some way, if we suppress our vibration and go low enough, the universe will take notice and an external force would be motivated to restore an imbalance which provoked our suffering. I know that I cannot repair the core deficit from within, so I must hope upon an external action to miraculously move the condition. The alternative is naked despair in the face of a truly horrible situation. A Secular Psychologist might even describe this as a variation of "Magical Thinking" in that a sadness ritual (to reduce anxiety and increase an illusion of control) would provoke an existential balancing mechanism. Jung indicated that people in recovery or in a process of self healing cannot help but meet, and move through, the very specific pain that is your "cross".
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Post by stillhurting on Feb 10, 2018 9:09:09 GMT -8
I am 1 year out no contact & thr withdrawals are still there. I need this 12 step program. Can someone help walk me thru what I need to do pleasr. the Withdrawls & pain somedays are just as bad as day 1.
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Post by inrecovery74 on Jun 27, 2018 7:16:48 GMT -8
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Post by tamelaaz on Jul 1, 2018 10:01:49 GMT -8
What do these abbreviations mean? It's hard to understand what you are saying. Can someone please tell me.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Jul 1, 2018 13:57:23 GMT -8
What do these abbreviations mean? It's hard to understand what you are saying. Can someone please tell me.
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Post by nicola76 on Jul 6, 2018 13:36:23 GMT -8
From my withdrawal I am eating so much chocolate x I wonder the connection. I also don't drink alcohol which os full of sugar . But something about this major withdrawal I'm craving chocolate x
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Post by Susan Peabody on Jul 7, 2018 13:05:06 GMT -8
Sugar does the same thing to you body that anti-depressants. Sugar was my first addiction. I was stealing candy by the time I was 6. At 10 I stole a box of cake mix and at the whole thing in one sit down binge. Chocolate in particular if known as comfort food. Just avoid heart-shaped boxes of chocolate. It is hard to go through withdrawal without help. Alcoholics often turn to coffee to get through withdrawal. I turned to AA meetings and God. This is fine as long as it does not continue too long and become another addiction which you cannot stop. At my first AA meeting they put a chocolate bar on each seat. You are doing fine. Don't worry.
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Post by Annebelle on Jul 18, 2018 8:59:39 GMT -8
From my withdrawal I am eating so much chocolate x I wonder the connection. I also don't drink alcohol which os full of sugar . But something about this major withdrawal I'm craving chocolate x The book Constant Craving by Doreen Virtue has a lot of excellent research on cravings. She claims that chocolate = a need for love. Do you have any specific textures that you like to eat chocolate? E.g crispy, like Kit Kat, or nutty, like Snickers or a Reese’s?
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Post by nicola76 on Jul 29, 2018 9:32:02 GMT -8
Thank you for the book suggestion. I like smilers and Reece's other chocolate doesn't seem to do the trick x
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Post by stillhurting on Feb 19, 2019 12:08:24 GMT -8
Sorry, I havent been frequenting the board lately. Thank you for asking. I'm doing really well actually. My poa moved out of town, which has been SO helpful to me. Not worrying anymore about running into him or watching for him everywhere. My husband & I are doing really well. Spending a lot more time together & connecting. I'm engaged with my family again. It feels great.
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Post by helenpot on Mar 29, 2019 11:23:20 GMT -8
Self-worth is a huge part of a successful recovery as an LA. Self-worth is based on identity. It is based on having an identity of one's own and not feeling like a failure or feeling worthless because a relationship did or didn't work out. And considering that one of the biggest issues love addicts have is a loss of identity and loss of self, this is where recovery needs to be focused-- on finding one's own identity. The more we look to solve the problems of our lives outside ourselves, the more lost we become. And sometimes when we hold on to a failed or failing relationship it is because our identity and self-worth is so wrapped up in it. You are not that relationship. Separate yourself from the relationship and start believing in who you are and what you are worth as a man or a woman who is viable and functioning without an intimate relationship.
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Post by helenpot on Mar 29, 2019 11:42:32 GMT -8
This is how I also see that, fully, totally agree. I once read a blog of a young woman who decided to stay away from intimate relationship with men for a year to find her identity. I remember how I thought: What a silly idea of unnecessary limiting your life experiences! My ego is always after finding the reason to feel right. Now, after years of dysfunctional relationships and just now realizing that I have been trying to fill in the empty space wiwthin by the presence of the "right" partner, I got it. It is clear now that the isolation and avoidance of pain-killing brief "love affairs" may help to heal. It is scary like hell to accpet the fact that you have to fix yourself first. And stop counting on the soothing and very popular theory that we are perefct the way we are. My Inner Being, my Self IS perfect but the physical manifestation here in this plane of life is only trying to reach that perfection. We have all the tools available to get aligned with our True Self. The difficulty is figuring out your own path and sticking to it with determination, patience and bravery. My path has been of letting go of pridefulness and arrogance. Trust, faith and humility are my challenges in acceoting the fact that without Lord all my efforts are futile. Bu Lord's wise and soft guifdance I found myself here, in the group of addicts just when I was thinking of myself as pure and spiritually evolved. I am scared and resistant to being a part of miserable failures (this is what my small self whispers all the time)... It is hard to accept that I have been a failure.
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RoseNadler
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Post by RoseNadler on Apr 27, 2019 11:51:40 GMT -8
LovelyJune said:
“Love addiction is like digging in a trash can for your dinner every night and being happy that you've found an uneaten, unwrapped Snicker's bar. Good for you! You found a decent meal. But you are still in denial over the fact that you're eating out of a trash can.”
I love this metaphor.
I’m making an effort to do as much recovery stuff as possible before I start a new job on Wednesday. So, I’m trying to read as much of this site as possible. And I have to say, this board about withdrawal terrifies me.
I’m currently back with the boyfriend (L) whom I almost lost, due to my addiction. I’ve posted that backstory before.
Now I’m worried that I may be getting addicted to L.
We had a healthy relationship for seven years, before he developed some health problems that killed his libido. His lack of interest in sex brought my addict-self screaming to the top. Long story short, we had a few years of a troubled relationship and then I moved out. More long story short - the next four years I had some genuine problems in life, and my addiction only made things worse. About a year ago I realized what a good, solid man L really is, and I began changing my behavior in order to improve our relationship.
Two months ago, I asked if I could move back in and we could try again. At first, he had doubts. I didn’t beg or cry, but I did tell him that if I didn’t try again with him, I would regret it for the rest of my life. (I mean that, too. It took a couple of years apart and some bad consequences to my addictive acting out, but I realized what a great guy L is and that I’d be crazy not to try to get us back together.)
Anyway, after some initial hesitation, he agreed to have me move back in and for us to try again.
But now, I find myself acting love-addicted towards him. I want reassurance all the time. I manage to hold back about 90% of my neediness. But I worry that the 10% I show will turn him away from me.
I ask for hugs several times a day, and cuddling every couple of days. I don’t think that’s unreasonable. I have asked him if he thinks I’m too needy because I do that; and he has reassured me that he does not.
I’m scared that my regular bf, whom I had a healthy relationship with before, and who I’m now trying to rebuild with, will end up being a POA for me.
That IS scary. Because I’ve had a terrible time the past couple of years (family issues, health issues, and job issues) - in addition to the love life issues caused by my addiction. I am SO ready to have things go well for a change. Now, finally, it looks like I have another chance with L - the best relationship I’ve ever had. And now I’m scared he’ll change his mind at some point. Reconciliation has been gradual - I know I don’t want to move too fast. But the scared, addicted teenage girl inside me (I’m 55) is craving somebody to cling to. I know that’s not healthy.
I’ve been reading about withdrawal on this board and it sounds horrible. If I have to do *that* again, then I honestly hope I don’t live very long. I’m 55 now; I could live to be 80. That would mean 25 years of getting older and older and being all alone forever, and be scared and in pain. I feel like asking God to just kill me now, instead of making me go through withdrawal again.
Note: I am NOT suicidal. I couldn’t do that to my family. I don’t really want to die. What I really want is for me and L to get our relationship back on a solid footing, and for us to be good for each other for the rest of our lives. We’re not kids any more; I’m 55 and he’s 60.
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Post by Sexlessw on Apr 28, 2019 4:53:55 GMT -8
LostKate:
IMO I don't see you having to go through withdrawal at this stage in your relationship with L. He's been there for you. He has shown this to you. His actions say TO YOU "Yes, I'm here for you!" That isn't the actions of somebody being manipulative.
BTW I know you're not suicidal. It is not that you want to kill yourself, it's that you just want to be somebody else who does not feel this way.
Totally Off Topic, where is LovelyJune now? I miss her posts.
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RoseNadler
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Post by RoseNadler on Apr 28, 2019 5:13:30 GMT -8
Well, L and I talked about it yesterday. I asked him if he thinks I’m being too needy, and he said he does not. I feel pretty good about that conversation. I was able to tell him I need some hugging and cuddling, and I was able to ask him how he feels about that. (Of course, it helps that I got the answer I wanted, ha ha.)
I don’t know LovelyJune directly, but I followed her because so many of her posts are helpful to me.
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Post by Sexlessw on Apr 29, 2019 2:50:41 GMT -8
lostkate (s2bFoundKate):
Hey, I want to quote Journey - "loving hugging kissing" - was it Journey that sang that song?
How GREAT you and L are able to be speaking clearly and being heard. Is communication helping with your anxiety at this moment? I read your other post about your anxiety, but I felt unable to post a response because that is not an area I could give any suggestions about.
How are you faring with respect to you NEW JOB beginning this week?
OT: LovelyJune was here for years and years. Had some TOUGH LOVE to give me a few times which was good. I wish her well if she's ever passing by the board.
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RoseNadler
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Post by RoseNadler on Apr 29, 2019 5:11:04 GMT -8
Communication has always helped me and L. One of the things that made our relationship so good back in the day was that I always felt like I could be real with him.
Anxiety....That’s a whole ‘nother story. I look back over my life, and I think now that I’ve always had generalized anxiety disorder and it was never diagnosed. I think it got overshadowed by my depression diagnosis. This period of time in the past six months has really brought my anxiety to the surface.
L and I had a really good weekend. Now it’s Monday morning, and he has gone to work. So he’s gotten into a “work” mindset, he’s thinking about work, and seems to have pulled back from me a little.
My sane brain knows this is normal. The weekend is over. It’s time to go back to work. L does have other things in his life besides me. This is how life is supposed to be; this is normal.
My addict brain feels his attention drifting from me, and feels just a little clingy in response.
I remember something that happened when I was no more than four years old - probably younger. I was outside playing with my friend Valerie, a little girl the same age. Valerie was riding her tricycle, and wanted me to stand on the back behind her. My mom was there, and she was encouraging me to do it.
I was totally torn. I mean, this was a life-or-death decision in my baby brain. Go with Valerie, or stay with Mommy? It was overwhelming. In the end, I decided to stay with Mommy. This has been one of the pivotal memories of my life.
We live in a world where bravery and adventure are admired. But maybe by nature, I’m not brave or adventurous. I always thought I was, especially when I was younger. And I’m still curious about the world, and still think about traveling.
But I’m realizing now, at 55, that I’m never going to be one of the cool people. I’m never going to live in a cool place like London or NYC, or California. I’m probably never even going to travel as much as I’d like to. I’m never going to write a bestseller.
It’s like there’s this one side of me that can’t tolerate boredom and wants to see the world, and wants to be one of the cool people. But there’s this other side of me that’s scared of everything. And I always turn right back into the little girl who decided to stay with Mommy instead of going with Valerie.
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Post by RoseNadler on Apr 29, 2019 5:33:27 GMT -8
And on the topic of the new job: I’m anxious about that, too. It will be good for me - not only financially, but socially and psychologically. Healthy middle-aged, middle-class women without children are expected to go to work. So I will be fitting in to what everybody expects me to do. I’ll feel more part of the “normal” world.
At the same time, the new job is in an environment very similar to that of my old job, and that makes me anxious, because my old job became toxic to me after I had been there two years. Long story short - our project manager left for a new job, and that was the beginning of the end. Also around that time, my job duties were changed, and I was outside my comfort zone. I had some training for the new duties, but real life was *nothing* like the training. I felt s t u p i d and inadequate. When I asked for help, I didn’t get it. After about six months of this, our second project manager was let go; and the new one was a classic nightmare of a boss. There were two months of hell. I wasn’t the only one who suffered; the whole team complained, and I know for a fact that from November through February, nine people (half the team) voluntarily quit for other jobs.
I admit here that I didn’t handle the changes very well. My attitude got worse. I started looking for another job, but was fired before I could find one. I asked for the reason, and was told that although my writing and editing were good and I got along well with people and had no disciplinary issues, I lacked the technical knowledge they needed. (I told this to two friends on the team who had highly technical positions, and they both said this was bullnuts.)
So, now I’m going to be starting a very similar job in a very similar environment. I’m trying to remind myself that I liked my old job for two years before things started going south. The CEO of the old company was (I believe) a sociopath, and I wasn’t the only one who thought so. Our first two project managers did a pretty good job of shielding us from the CEO. The third project manager was another monster, just like the CEO. And it wasn’t just me having a bad attitude - most of the rest of the team thought so, too.
So yes, I’m anxious about starting the new job. What will the project manager be like? That can make all the difference. What are the odds that I’ll have two jobs in a row with terrible management?
And I can’t just stay home and collect unemployment forever. I need money and health insurance. I need to feel like I’m doing normal things, as part of the normal world. And when I have too much time on my hands, my anxiety and my addiction have time to really make a mess of things.
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Post by Sexlessw on Apr 30, 2019 4:07:39 GMT -8
LostKate (s2bFoundKate): Well, at 55 you recognize what you are going through - maybe not the WHY - but you know yourself enough to say, "I see my feelings are anxiety. This is how I can THINK my way through this - L is in WORK SPACE - it's Monday - I am about to start a NEW JOB tomorrow so I AM ANXIOUS. I'm not going to go back into the HOW I USED TO act. This is where I'm changing it. Instead of fretting and feeling sad/sick/depressed I'm going to post here and I'm going to do reading and try other methods - " [by other methods I mean thought blocking - I binge watch television shows or films and I've begun reading again or I answer folks who are good for me in email] Let me share a bit with you about THE COOL-o-BEANOS from your (our) youth. Back in the Permian Era when I was in high school & college the COOL-o-BEANOS were the folks who later on developed alcoholism or other addictions. Sure was fun back in the day rockin' n' rollin'. People got older and reality set in. You just can't chug along in life being COOL and doing COOL things. Many of these COOL-o-BEANOS have died before their time. Others live under the shadow of their former GREAT HAPPENIN' lives. Those folks who are movers and shakers in our world - business, entertainment, technology - they too pay the price. Sure what they do is important, but how many people have died way before their time, or became ill, or just faded away? Or when you step back and look at their lives, some parts of their lives, mainly their families, suffered. If you need any examples I can share many - but this post is way too long. Remember this scene from Monty Python's "The Holy Grail" - the scene where the man is going around plague-ridden England with a cart laden with bodies. He shouts, "Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead!" One hapless victim who is tossed into the dead body cart says, "I'm not dead yet!" YOU are the LIVING person in the dead body cart. YOU ARE NOT DEAD YET. AND you are FORTUNATE you are NOT one of the COOL-o-BEANOS. Let me tell you a bit about living in London, NYC, California - it's terrifically expensive. It may seem so glamourous, yet if you lived in one of those locations, be advised your commute would be excessive, your taxes would be high (I live in NYS - let me tell you about HIGH taxes!!!) and other living expenses would be high. NYC, London, California (SanFran, Los Angeles, San Diego) are wonderful to visit and wander around. But living in or near those locations? Nah. Don't THINK about traveling. GO AND TRAVEL when you retire. Got your passport? If so, get one - do it soon because if there's another gov't shut down, it'll take a while. Got a car? Take a weekend getaway. Don't worry about writing the best seller -start at short stories. And if you manage to write ONE best seller, what about the next one? It's tough at the top. How many folks got ONE best seller and then...Not everybody is James Patterson, Danielle Steele or Stephen King. Yuk about your former work place. No doubt the CEO had sociopathic issues (maybe Narcissistic issues too) and had enablers. When nine people GTFO of one department, they are reading the GTFO message flashing before them. That's a good thing you got fired - really, it is. Now you have knowledge that you didn't have before. You can start tomorrow and be aware of the pitfalls that may (or may not) happen. Go in tomorrow with you head held high! And report back when you are able. At work you won't have time to fret. I totally agree with you - re: staying home collecting unemployment, needing $$$ and health insurance. I'm there right now.
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RoseNadler
Administrator
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Posts: 1,111
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Post by RoseNadler on Apr 30, 2019 4:37:29 GMT -8
Thank you for answering me. Your answer was full of things I needed to hear.
I do have a passport, and when I get more settled (have enough PTO saved up at the new job), then I can think about traveling. One area of life that I actually handle pretty well is budgeting. I usually save some money out of every paycheck for vacations. Unfortunately I’ve never been able to save much, due to the financial needs of other budget categories. But I do what I can.
Before I moved, I was a member of a writers’ group. Again, when I get settled into a regular routine here, I might look for a writers’ group in this area. Luckily, I’ve lived here before and am familiar with the area, and have a few friends here.
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Post by Sexlessw on May 1, 2019 2:51:00 GMT -8
lostkate(s2bFoundKate)
Concrete steps! Concrete ideas! I love it!
It's what you can do now for YOURSELF and YOUR future. I'm a big believer in being wise with $$$. Budgets, saving - it's a step to get me to where I want to visit.
Please let us know how your DAY ONE on the big job went.
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