NC, LC and Fantasies

     Believe me, I get the fantasies thing and I am for you doing whatever helps you.  Really!  I also do not know your whole story and probably have my own perspective that influences some of what I think about as I read what you write here.  I just know that for me replacing one fantasy for another is not going to help in the long run, whether this is the fantasy of one woman for another in my case or in yours one man for another.  It also means replacing facts from reality and distorting them.  If this person is not really dead, creating a world to live in where he is will not make the real one better either in much the same way.  The reality that this is not true will be there to eat at you.  The care you have for this person works in much the same way.

    I do not have a switch to turn things off in the way I would like and seemingly everyone else does.  I am also not here to debate the reality of this statement either, that is to say as to whether that statement is true or not either.  I am just trying to explain that I get your situation and trying to help you understand that when I say this is not easy, I mean that I truly know that this is beyond difficult.  Even in trying to word this to you, the difficulty in finding seemingly the right words and the time this is taking me to try and find them, are making me realize my own difficulties still in this area.  However, trying to run from how you feel about them is not the answer either.

    If you still care about this person, then you still care about this person.  Recovery for someone like me is not going to come from sudden reality where someone no longer means something to you.  It comes from the slow and often agonizing road of coming to terms with the reality that you do care for them.  That in this world, the real one, you care for them and they do not reciprocate that.  And what is more, that they want someone other than you.  That is the reality of your situation from what I am reading. 

    Now again, this could be colored by my own, but I get this because it is so similar to my own.  What I want you to take away from this is not simply that I get it and I am going through this as well, if you are, but that in much the same way that you made them your higher power, another concept I understand all too well, that you can not now make them just disappear.  Going in to another type of fantasy where they do not exist now either is not going to help.  In my case I kind of do have a unique perspective on this in that the first person I did this with is truly no longer here and attempting to pretend like someone else I came to care this way for just is not possible for me and even more so because the idea of it being so would be worse in a way that I cannot express.  That is my reality and one that I have to learn to live in.  And again, difficult . . . well words are again not enough.

    While I would like to try and leave you here with a message of hope, I want to stress that creating a fantasy of any kind to run away from reality is not going to help you recover or live in the real world.  This thread was started to help those with issues of fantasy come to terms with the fact that in regards to torchbearers physical no contact is not enough to help you get over the person.  If telling yourself that this person is dead helps you get there, then by all means do it.  Just do this knowing that this is not really what the goal behind this is about.  Pretending that they are dead and that is why this is not going to work out is a tricky proposition.  First, because like I mentioned you are only creating another fantasy.  Secondly, this is only giving you another avenue to think about them, but now in a manner that seems "healthy" to you.  The idea is to not allow thoughts involving this person to take over your life and avoid ruminations.  Lastly, it may be that you set yourself up for future failure with this type of mindset.  The goal is to one day be able to have a mature and sane relationship with a man for you.  By pretending about the past men in your life, you might not allow yourself to learn the lessons you needed to from the realities of why this relationship failed or never was to begin with.

    Better things to think about when he crosses your mind are why you really fell for him.  It was not because he held the car door open for you, gave you attention, or any of the million other things you are likely to attribute this to.  If this was the only person to ever hold a car door open for you, what kind of men have you dated?  If it was simply because he gave you attention, where does the source of your neglect and abandonment come from that you feel no one else gave you this attention?  Whatever the reason, what is its cause?  And again, I get thinking about him is a sore spot for you that you do not want to do.  I do get it!  That is why I am not telling you to make sure you sit with this and schedule some time to do this.  However, if you are like me, you are going to think about them.  When you do and only when you do, start to ask yourself these questions.  It might help you understand why you think about them so much because you have attached them to fulfilling some unmet need you have of your own.

    If that helps make this clear to you, the realization may be enough to help you stop thinking about them so much in and of itself.  If not, try finding some other way to fulfill this need in a healthy way to move past things.  The most important thing here though is to not turn this process in to another way to hold on to them either.  Do not let sitting alone and thinking of the ways this failed relationship has "helped" you to see all the things "wrong" with you that need "fixed" turn in to a way to see a possibility of "fixing" a relationship with someone who does not want to be with you.  Make a time limit for yourself if you find you need to.  Give some unspecified time that you determine is enough without being too much and then try and force your train of thought somewhere else, but keep it in the real world.

    I am bad about all this yet myself, but if you can, think about some other problem you have that requires your focus and go for a walk with that.  Between getting your mind on something else and trying to find some ways to produce serotonin and dopamine in your body, it will help you move past things if you can or at the very least come to terms with them.  Laughter is great at helping this and I know that it is not something you really want to do right now likely, but find some non-romantic comedy to watch.  Even if it is a kid's movie and not all that funny, a bad pun is still worth more time and much more helpful than time spent thinking of him.