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Post by greeneyes on Dec 24, 2011 18:34:53 GMT -8
I can really relate to "feeling like a puppy dog" when I'm with a woman I have a crush on or am in a relationship with. This was a warning sign I chose to ignore in the last year. I also hear your frustration. I've heard some people with longterm recovery say they learn to live without a relationship- not what I want to hear as my deep belief system tells me about "happily ever after."
To be honest today I went on a group hike today to find a new girlfriend. I saw a women I had met before and looking back it was like I had her in a corner saying anything to keep the conversation going when she clearly was either not interested in me or was put off by my neediness.
I am in serious withdrawal from a 15 month relationship I thought would last years. It was the best relationship I've had so far but she was not emotionally available and I was too dependent on her and "the relationship" for my own self esteem and identity. For the first time in my life I ended it. I never cheated on her-first time for that as well.
It's been 16 days since I ended it and 10 days since I last made e-mail contact.
I feel so much pain, I feel so alone. I feel so desperate for female attention and "validation." I have been going to alot of meetings and making program calls-I just don't want to bother anyone on Christmas Eve...so here I am back on this board for the first time in almost a year and a half...I'm grateful it's here.
I know I need to become whole and become happy before I enter a relationship. As happy as I was in my last relationship, I am now aware that I was dependent on that relationship lasting no matter how many hurtful things she said. But the time came when the pain of staying in the relationship was stronger than the fear of abandonment. Now on the other side I get sentimental and want to contact her but know in my heart it would bring more pain and delay my recovery as would getting into another relationship anytime soon.
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Post by nancylouise on Feb 2, 2012 6:43:41 GMT -8
Dear God when will the video that constantly plays in my head stop.
My ego has been kicked down and maybe that;s a good thing. I thought i was good for him but he is a love avoidant and i am a love addict...very bad combo
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Post by loveaddict12345 on Feb 10, 2012 10:48:59 GMT -8
It also means that you have a set of values. A value is a strong belief that protects you. A healthy person's value might be, "I will NEVER date a man who cheats on me." Period. And if that man cheats once, the relationship is terminated. WHen your VALUES become MORE IMPORTANT than the relationship, you know you are getting better. I think thats a very good point. I had one value that I felt if it was ever compromised, I would not only leave her, but I would have no desire to be with her again. That was cheating. Defined as physical interaction with another person. She admitted to kissing another man when we were at our worst, and I justified the hell out of it, and accepted it. Now, I still dont feel shes being honest with me about that, and I have even begun to recently tell myself that even if she did physically cheat on me with somebody else, that I could forgive her so long as she was honest with me. |
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Post by alpha24 on Feb 10, 2012 12:26:46 GMT -8
Lovelyjune , really enjoyed the links and your so right , my poa's words held no substance to them , no actions , just all hot air , thats why i ended the relationship even though i knoew what was going to happen withdrawl , but why should i stay with someone who plays you like a yo yo , like you said my values , i will not be anyone's emotional yo yo , not for any price and if it means this love addict has to grow and get better to be with someone eventually ( if thats what i want ) then the pain and growth will all be worth it : )
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Post by Loving My Life on Feb 29, 2012 14:48:02 GMT -8
freetobe welcome, iam sorry you are going thru this, i know it is a very painful time for you, can you go to the "newcomers thread", under the home tab and tell us your story, how you got here, and what your recovery plans are? this way more members will know your new and can give you the support you need.
We are all glad your here, keep coming back.
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Post by wahinewha on Mar 28, 2012 17:41:47 GMT -8
Great list I loved it, and will probably read it again this evening as I need to be reminded. I needed to hear my POA say it's over (he said alot more then that actually), I am glad for it, cause it was that in-my-face attitude of total rejection that took away all avenues of hope, enabling me to hit rock bottom, and here I am today day 6 NC! It's very sad that as a human being I have to be treated like that before I move away, let go and let the relationship R.I.P.
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Post by looking4direction on Mar 28, 2012 18:25:20 GMT -8
I like the part about him/her not deserving so much gushing. I just gush over my PoA and I don' teven know him!
thanks.
Carol
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Post by overcomer on Mar 29, 2012 4:36:30 GMT -8
luvmyself2: Good realization. And yes you are not a stalker, but how others use that term is beyond our control. They can use it loosely against anyone of us but it doesn't have to define us, at least not anymore. Things will get better. Your HP will help you. He makes all things possible, including our deliverance. I also used to be obsessed with my ex POA but see I got totally gotten over it for almost half-year now that a thought of that person hardly crosses my mind. It takes time but you'll get there too.
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Post by lostandconfused on May 21, 2012 21:19:20 GMT -8
2. Recognize he/she is not the one for you.
A large portion why you can’t move on is probably because you keep seeing him/her as “the one” for you. You just can’t see yourself with anyone else but him/her. Such fixations are dangerous. This leads you to linger on and on, hoping for a “some day” which will never come. Not only that, it leads to a lot of mental projections – both on you and of him/her.
One thing I’ve realized is that if the party does not have the 110% intention to be together, then he/she is not the one for you. I always believe if real intention is there, any obstacles, no matter how insurmountable, can be overcome. If the intention isn’t there, then anything else can come forth as a “reason” for not being together.
If you keep thinking that you guys will be together once the circumstance changes, or once the timing changes, or once you are a better person, then perhaps this isn’t the right person. These prerequisites are signals this relationship isn’t meant to be. Because ultimately, it’s not about the right place or right timing. It’s about whether he/she is the right person. If he/she is the right person, you guys would have been together regardless of how wrong the place or timing is. That’s why it’s called the right person.
Wow thanks for that Jaz1327, I really needed to hear that today after my converstation with my ex last night. It is something I truly believe however after my conversation last night I felt confused, hurt, and hopeful. thank you for the clarity.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Jul 31, 2012 14:25:47 GMT -8
Rarely can we hold two thoughts in our head at the same time. Change your concentration to something else. It is liking changing the channel on a television set. In early recovery I began to focus on 12-step meetings, then service, then working the steps, then writing . . . it worked. |
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Post by lovelorn on Dec 7, 2012 10:15:30 GMT -8
Thank you to colleagues who've contributed to this thread. I hope they won't think me wilful or perverse if I simply share my current feelings here. My love-addiction was only diagnosed a few weeks ago and, as my journal shows, I'm trying to get help with it. Sadly, I'm in the midst of an amorous attachment to a girl and withdrawal is proving hard (as I believe it does with many others). As I go about my day, trying to practise normality, I find myself constantly seeing things through her eyes; I want to tell her about everything significant that I do and to invite her to come and share more of my life with me. Ideally, I want her with me all the time, us doing everything together. The love is probably unrequited but, for me, it's massive and all-consuming. I know there are lots of good, practical ideas on this forum, but I can't get her out of my head. Sorry to dump my emotions like this but, when I joined, colleagues told me to post plenty of stuff about my experience of love-addiction and attempts at sobriety. Thanks to all. |
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Post by Loveanimals on Dec 11, 2013 22:53:17 GMT -8
Hi lovelorn,
It will take more than a couple of weeks for the thoughts to completely go away in my experience.
There are thought stopping techniques like to place the thought in a drawer in your mind and close it, or to think about a nice place to vacation. I went through an entire Dialectical Behavioral Therapy module on this.
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