Post by blue70rose on Jun 27, 2009 20:20:05 GMT -8
Hi all. This is my first post, and I don't even know where to begin, so I'll just say that I've really gotten a lot out of reading this thread. I have an XPOA with whom I am trying to maintain boundaries. I was sure that I could do it, but now I'm starting to second guess myself and hope I'm not playing with fire here. I do frequently ask myself if I would be OK if he started dating someone else, and I always think yes I'd be fine. However, that might not be so true. I hope that by posting on here, it will help to hold me accountable so that I don't slide too much!
Yes, this may be the addiction talking, but hear me out, I'm just philosophizing, not stating a firmly held belief...maybe a life lesson some of us LA's need is to learn how to have healthy boundaries with difficult people instead of "running away". Wouldn't there be situations where we would benefit from having LC, because we need to learn how to have boundaries and stand up for ourselves. I know one of my issues is that I often don't stand up for myself, give my opinion, etc. with people I really care about because of an underlying fear of rejection. Part of me really wants try being friends with my POA, so I can prove to myself that I can be strong and assertive and not just run away from difficult people.
On the other hand, I realize this may be just the addiction talking because it doesn't want to let go of my POA. Also, I guess I am being assertive in a way by maintaining NC even when he tries to pull me back in.
I hear you Besatt. I've been wanting to contact my PoA to let him know what I've been doing. We started out (2 years) as friends with sexual contact and sometimes I think that I can handle a friendship.
However I'm afraid that it is my addiction talking. Anything to get back into the game. I tell myself that if our friendship is meant then it will survive a few months with NC. I've had friends who I haven't spoke to for a while, but I still consider a friend. It's only been 2 weeks. Give it time. The fact that I don't want to give it time is clear indication that I am not ready.
One thing I know is that NC gives you is complete freedom from the addiction and space to work on yourself. By taking the object of addiction away you are forced to look critically at your life. I think LC is necessary, like in dealing with my third exhusband. We have a son together, so I have to be able to talk to him. Now, if we didn't have a child, I would cut this man completely out of my life, hands down, NC forever. I wouldn't want to be friends with such a complete narcissist, or when I really think about it, someone in so much pain. I just couldn't handle that.
Uh oh, that hits me hard. Do I REALLY want to be friends with my current PoA? Could I, knowing about his addictions, and inner pain? Maybe, but unless he was in a recovery program, that would very, very difficult. I'd have to have emotional distance, like a family member you don't get along with or something. But we can choose our friends and not our families. And even if he WERE in a recovery then I'd still have to have distance because he'd need space, just I like I do, right now. And there would be no guarantee that he would choose or even would be able to maintain a friendship with me.
Oh boy, I just cut apart my fantasy and made myself really, really sad. I hope we can find a way to be friends, but the chances of that are really slim. It would take lots of time, too. I guess when we logically work it out we can see our addiction talking (whispering, yelling, conniving).
I did decide to let him know what I'm doing IF he contacts me. If I don't emotionally engage it should be okay to send some links, ONLY. Anything other than that is out, no "I miss yous", no "I'm sorry", no "Are you okay". If I can do that then I'll have maintained NC, but if I can't then it is a slip. Firm!!
Bushbiyu, thanks for the reminder -- my POA has major issues, why would I want to be friends with him?! Also, the last time my POA contacted me I told him I couldn't talk to him because I was a love addict. That was over a month ago and I haven't heard from him since. I think his is a love addict too, so I was hoping to sew a seed in him. I doubt it worked...
My boundaries and LC have been eroding lately. My POA filed for divorce and initially that seemed like a floodgate had been thrown open, and I was calling and e-mailing like crazy but I got that under control by telling myself that divorcing does not equal divorced.
Recently the boundary that I let slip was writing unsolicited e-mails to her. I was writing once or twice a day, sharing my life, sharing my emotions (about things - not my feelings for her), and I would get a reply maybe once a week. I think a red flag for me is when I am making excuses for my POA... "It's OK that she doesn't write back to me because I know she's going through a nasty divorce and she has limited time and energy", "It's OK that she doesn't write back because we do talk to each other on the phone once a week", "it's OK that she doesn't write back to me this week because I know that she and her kids are sick...". I can make the excuses but the bottom line is that I feel like I am sending my e-mails into a black hole. Maybe it's because I am very needy and sensitive but it seems like I have stronger feelings for her than she has for me, and it seems like I am providing most of the energy in the relationship.
I think I was doing a lot better when I had strict adherence to the boundaries. If I answer her e-mails and don't keep a constant stream of e-mails going from my side, I won't feel hurt and insecure and taken for granted and rejected.
I can't do anything about feeling HIGH as a kite when I do get an e-mail from her, and a little bit disappointed that it is always really short, but I know that when I rack up a bunch of unanswered e-mails i just feel worse.
I understand where you are coming from. I often feel horrible if I contact someone and they don't put as much effort back as I do. On the other hand as an ambivilient there is a balance between makiing an effort and keeping reasonable.
I think you see that you are putting more into it than she is and you know that isn't in your interest.
Maybe more focus on the recovery than the relationship might help. I am not sure but this is what I am doing. I contacted one of my many POA last night just to tell him that the new photo was nice. I saw him on skype but I don't remember adding him. I think he might have just opened a new account.
I am trying to be open and friendly without being cold and isolated. I have to learn to deal with men in a reasonable manner.
I though need to remember what the boundaries are though.
thanks for sharing
"Love doesn't have to hurt - If someone loves you, it should feel like they love you!"
Well I broke my LC boundary this morning. i am feeling lonely and insecure about my relationship with my POA so I wrote her and e-mail. I realize my actions were fear based, I fear that she might think that my feelings for her have changed, I fear that if I stop contacting her for even a few days - her feeling for me will switch off, or she'll find someone new, or worse yet, she'll go back to her old POA - who is a romance addict. I fear that her old POA has been contacting her. Fear fear fear... I think it's what they call selfish fear.
But anyway I did write to her, and I realize I did something sneaky and manipulative, I replied to her last e-mail to me which was over 12 days ago. In my mind I think I was trying to send the message to her that she hasn't written back to me for a long time. I guess I wanted her to have that realization - that I have been sending her e-mails and she hasn't replied to any of them since the 8th.
I can see this morning how this Love Addiction is progressive and destructive.
Now, having broken my LC boundary with e-mail, I am longing to call her. Now I am imagining calling her and what we'll talk about. I miss her so badly now. All I can do is wonder what is going on in her life, what has happened in her life the last five days.
I learned the hard way that I can't just call her. It has turned out badly almost every time I have done that and afterward I have the feeling that she doesn't really want to talk to me as much as I want to talk to her.
Oh gosh... I need to retrench this morning. Stop thinking about her and her life and why she's not e-mailing me or why she's not on line so we can chat together... I have the tools. I need to surrender this stuff to my higher power and focus on what I need to do just this morning... like drinking enough water, making breakfast, probably some other stuff but for now I will focus on drinking enough water and getting breakfast.
Post by heatherinjapan on Nov 10, 2012 1:18:44 GMT -8
I have to do LC not NC because my POA and I work together 3 days a week. I'm having a tough time with withdrawal. I feel like I've lost my best friend. I used to talk to him about everything. And I'm feeling a lot of guilt because I was the one who drove him off with my unhealthiness.
I've been bad and still been texting him sometimes. He didn't respond to a text this morning and that hurt. Contacting him just sets me up for more hurt, I know. It's hard to forget about the time we were close. I keep having urges to tell him about how I'm trying to get better, to make him proud of me. At work I've been chatting to him probably too much. I didn't want things to be uncomfortable.
The hardest part of the day for me is commuting. I live in Tokyo so I take the train and walk a lot. And Tokyo is a very crowded city and the crowds really stress me out when I'm feeling not at my best. I get lots of rage against the people in my way when I'm trying to get to my train or whatever.
I know thought stopping is the answer but it's hard because it's in my nature to try and find a solution by thinking about it a lot. Also part of me feels like I'm entitled to feel hurt since something bad happened (present and as a child)
My PoA lives out of state, but works for the same copmpany as I do. He comes in town twice a month for a few days at a time. One of those days we sit togeher in an 8 hr meeting, in addition we usually see each other in the evening. This will be his first trip here with us not getting together. I am trerified of walking through it. Obviously NC is not an option. I try to limit contact by returning voicemail messages with email, which seems to help. But, the withdrawal of seeing him at the office, his trying to flirt his way back in and me getting in the car to go home and not see him in the evening almost sounds imposssibel. He is married (a new bottome for me) and has made it clear the "fling" has a shelf life because he is happily married. Yet, I am terrified of just letting him go. PLEASE help How do I do this?