Have Hope! | A Brighter Tomorrow

LovelyJune
Elder Member

You teach people how to treat you.

Posts: 6,660

Have Hope! Oct 17, 2011 15:11:46 GMT -8

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Post by LovelyJune on Oct 17, 2011 15:11:46 GMT -8

This was written back in 2008. I want to share it because there is a sense of surrender here that many of you may feel. I hope it helps someone.

I am a firm believer in the buddhist principle that you are exactly where you are supposed to be. No regrets. I am 40 and i was RAISED on self-help books. I grew up going to AA and al-anon meetings. Had my dad been Dr. Phil, this STILL would have been my path. i am at a point in my life now where i am simply making peace with all the ugliness inside me (so long as i am not hurting anyone). It’s not that i will not try to be better every day, but just like i’ll probably never “get” math, I will probably never “get” relationships either. That’s a scary thought for MANY of you here on these boards. Everyone has hope that they will be NORMAL one day. But i’ve found that my “way” isn’t as scary as i once thought.

i will never be normal. i will never respond to love and affection the way “normal” people do. And i am starting to really be OK with that, instead of trying my hardest to be something that I am not. I no longer wish to fit into society’s vision of what LOVE is.

I am NOT advocating falling a part, acting out, stalking, remaining in an abusive relationship etc. etc. Every time I meet someone i have hope just like anyone else that i have a shot at love and happiness. But if it gets ugly and falls a part, i hope i will go easy on myself and say, “you did the best you could this time…” instead of berating myself for being something that i am not…yet….or ever will be.

Girl Rebuilt www.girlrebuilt.com

“I was a late bloomer. But anyone who blooms at all, ever, is very lucky. ”- Sharon Olds

margot
Senior Member

Posts: 475

Have Hope! Oct 17, 2011 22:01:59 GMT -8

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Post by margot on Oct 17, 2011 22:01:59 GMT -8

Essentially, what you are saying is that whoever we were before recovery is who we will be once we've recovered enough to function well and be at peace and be happy. That's what I understand anyway and that's also what I think. I think it's OK too..........we (everyone) are either neurotic or psychotic...........no one is completely whole and healthy at all times in life. We all get to experience everything if we are not numb to it. That's OK..........as long as I get to be healthy enough to have a couple of friends. I don't want to go it alone anymore. AA is helping me.
Normal is just normal anyway............the norm........the medium point in a scale which has highs and lows...........that's not to say that those norms on either side of medium (or in the middle) are not also normal in their own space. We are human and our behavior reflects that, plus our inner and outer group conditioning. We're going to make mistakes and going to learn better ways...........we may as well be happy on our quest. Feel the feelings of life and keep moving and changing and evolving and feeling it again 'til we do GET IT. If I'm off track, please help me get back.

LovelyJune
Elder Member

You teach people how to treat you.

Posts: 6,660

Have Hope! Oct 18, 2011 1:31:40 GMT -8

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Post by LovelyJune on Oct 18, 2011 1:31:40 GMT -8

I think you get it. Having a "normal" relationship and being a "normal" person was always a goal of mine. That was pointless. I never stopped and accepted who I was. I was not normal! And yet, I wasn't nuts either. I got to a point where I finally ACCEPTED that I was a person who couldn't have a healthy relationship. Just like I couldn't have a million dollars either. And once I accepted who I was, EVERYTHING changed.

Girl Rebuilt www.girlrebuilt.com

“I was a late bloomer. But anyone who blooms at all, ever, is very lucky. ”- Sharon Olds

margot
Senior Member

Posts: 475

Have Hope! Oct 18, 2011 8:34:57 GMT -8

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Post by margot on Oct 18, 2011 8:34:57 GMT -8

Thank you LJ. Like it or not, for me to accept me with my defects and problems is what I am attempting to do............and eventually I will Love all of me no matter what. I might as well love me and my defects (which I can be aware of and direct in better behavior) because to do otherwise is totally not productive. This is a good realization as it lifts me up out of the quicksand of self-defeat and allows me to carry on with living........living in the love of HP and me.

nvr2late
Elder Member

Learning who I really am, one day at a time.

Posts: 636

Have Hope! Oct 18, 2011 8:39:17 GMT -8

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Post by nvr2late on Oct 18, 2011 8:39:17 GMT -8

Heheh, "normal" is the setting on a dryer.

I never was normal, never felt normal, and never saw normal modeled for me, as far as I know. So I can't possibly know what it looks like. Or, at least someone would have to point it out to me and say "that's what a fairly normal and healthy relationship/person/reaction looks like."

I am appreciating Howard Halpern's discussion of Attachment Hunger SO very much.

For a short time I felt like I was supposed to take the attitude of "a woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle". While that quip makes me giggle, it was not a truth I could embrace - ever.

For a short time, I felt like my sadness and longing to re-experience the good parts of my marriage were as unhealthy and needy as my acceptance of the bad parts while I was in it.

Now I finally understand, we are born with Attachment Hunger. It's a normal part of who we are. Nothing to be ashamed of.

May I just say again for the record, how grateful I am for these boards and for the suggested reading lists. "How To Break Your Addiction To a Person" by Halpern is on my Top 5 now. It might be more accurately titled "Understanding Your Addiction to a Person" for me.

There Comes A Time: www.motivateus.com/stories/time-4.htm

"Worse than breaking a promise is spending the rest of our lives staying true to a broken promise." R. Brault

"You can as easily love without trusting as you can hug without embracing." R Brault

LovelyJune
Elder Member

You teach people how to treat you.

Posts: 6,660

Have Hope! Oct 18, 2011 10:08:49 GMT -8

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Post by LovelyJune on Oct 18, 2011 10:08:49 GMT -8

Glad to hear you're on the right track margot!

nv2late: emotional hunger/attachement hunger...it's true. It's generally an inate part of you. I received lots of love from my mother, and I was still a bottomless pit for attention. When I went through recovery and faced my fears, this "hunger" inside me left. It will not last a lifetime if you feed yourself. Glad to know you are grateful for this site! You yourself make a huge impact here. So...thanks!

Girl Rebuilt www.girlrebuilt.com

“I was a late bloomer. But anyone who blooms at all, ever, is very lucky. ”- Sharon Olds