Post by LovelyJune on Oct 18, 2011 2:41:45 GMT -8
Are you focusing on the other person's needs and wants far more than your own? Do you have a clear idea of what your values are? Look at this conversation between a counselor and love addict. The love addict is in a relationship where her needs (to be loved every day, not just sometimes) are not being met, but she's remaining in the relationship anyway. See how the dialog plays out...
Counselor: You seem very distressed. What's the issue?
Love addict: I'm very frustrated and deeply hurt. My boyfriend runs hot and cold. One day he says he loves me, the next he walks away and wants out of the relationship, or just doesn't seem intrested. It's been like this for three years. Why does he keep changing his mind? I'm going nuts with his ups and downs. I feel like a yo-yo!
Counselor: Who knows why he changes his mind. Who knows why anyone can't commit and be more stable. But let's not focus on him. Let's focus on you. How do you feel about someone who changes his mind all the time and only loves you half the time?
Love addict: I hate it. It hurts. I wish he'd just make up his mind.
Counselor: He probably will not do that. So, instead of focusing on his needs and wants (what he wants and what he seems to need, and what he's thinking) what are your needs?
Love addict: My needs? Well, I want him to love me, of course. I want him to be stable.
Counselor: Of course. But remove him from the picture for a second, and ask yourself what you need. In a perfect world, what you would want from a relationship.
Love addict: Um, I want a man to love me.
Counselor: Every day, right? Not just some days.
Love addict: YEs! I want someone to love me every day! Not just some days! I want a man to be stable.
Counselor: So that you can trust him, right?
Love addict: Yes! I never know what I am going to get with this guy. I have a hard time trusting him and then I feel rotten inside.
Counselor: That "rotten inside" feeling tells me that you are going against your values. And so...You have just defined one of your most important important "Values."
Love addict: What do you mean? What's a value?
Counselor: A value is something that you absolutely must have in your life in order to feel whole and complete and true to yourself. It can be anything from "I need to work at something I love," or "I need to be able to trust those closest to me." Your value that you're defining here is that you need stability and you need to be in a relationship with someone who will love you every day.
Love addict: Oh, I see. So, where does my boyfriend fit into this?
Counselor: He doesn't. He doesn't have the qualities of a stable, trusting partner. He doesn't fit into your value system. You can't have a trusting, loving relationship with someone who is not a trusting loving person. It's like trying to fight diabetes by eating donuts. It's not going to happen.
Love addict: So what does that mean? I'm sure if I wait, he will change.
Counselor: It’s been three years. People tend to be who they are right from the start. A healthy person might have only put up with this behavior for about six month to a year, tops. You are past the point in hoping someone will change. More than anything, you are teaching him that it’s OK for him to be so undecided.
Love Addict: How am I teaching him that?! I hate that he changes his mind about me! I complain all the time and tell him he needs to stop hurting me in that way.
Counselor: You stay. By staying you are teaching him that no matter what he does, you may not like it, but you’re sticking around anyway. Sure, you're saying one thing, but your actions are saying something else entirely: that it’s OK that he does not love you 100%.
Love Addict: So how do my actions tell him I want him to love me 100%?
Counselor: Well, you leave.
Love Addict: That sounds counterproductive! If I love him why would I leave?!
Counselor: Ah yes, love. Love is a wonderful thing. But it's not the only thing you need to be content and healthy in life. Let's look at it this way. Say you're shopping for a new house and you need three bedrooms because there are three members of your family. You also need to be close to your job in the country and you really love houses, not apartments. SO you meet with a realtor and she shows you a one-bedroom apartment in the city. You LOVE it! It's beautiful! But does it fit your needs? Would you go out and buy it? And if you did buy it, where would the other members of your family sleep? And how convenienced would you be driving an hour and half to work every day? You may LOVE the apartment, but you clearly need something else.
Love Addict: I see your point But...
Counselor: But...it's the same with your boyfriend. He's a one-bedroom apartment in the city, and you need a three-bedroom in the country. You may love him, but he does not fit your needs. This is very hard to recognize and accept. But, your needs are equally as important as his, and your needs are not being met within the confines of this particular relationship. By leaving the relationship you send a clear message: I have higher expectations of a boyfriend. I expect that he will love me 100% and I will not remain in a relationship where my partner does not also share this same value.
Love Addict: But if I leave, I'm afraid he won't come after me, he'll simply let me go and I'll lose him.
Counselor: That's the risk you take. But again, what is more important to you? Being loved 100% or remaining in a relationship--any relationship-- for the sake of not being alone? Which value is more important to you? This choice, that we all make, is what separates healthy individuals from unhealthy ones. It's what keeps people in unfulfilled, painful relationships, or catapults them to a higher ground. The choice is yours, not his.
Counselor: You seem very distressed. What's the issue?
Love addict: I'm very frustrated and deeply hurt. My boyfriend runs hot and cold. One day he says he loves me, the next he walks away and wants out of the relationship, or just doesn't seem intrested. It's been like this for three years. Why does he keep changing his mind? I'm going nuts with his ups and downs. I feel like a yo-yo!
Counselor: Who knows why he changes his mind. Who knows why anyone can't commit and be more stable. But let's not focus on him. Let's focus on you. How do you feel about someone who changes his mind all the time and only loves you half the time?
Love addict: I hate it. It hurts. I wish he'd just make up his mind.
Counselor: He probably will not do that. So, instead of focusing on his needs and wants (what he wants and what he seems to need, and what he's thinking) what are your needs?
Love addict: My needs? Well, I want him to love me, of course. I want him to be stable.
Counselor: Of course. But remove him from the picture for a second, and ask yourself what you need. In a perfect world, what you would want from a relationship.
Love addict: Um, I want a man to love me.
Counselor: Every day, right? Not just some days.
Love addict: YEs! I want someone to love me every day! Not just some days! I want a man to be stable.
Counselor: So that you can trust him, right?
Love addict: Yes! I never know what I am going to get with this guy. I have a hard time trusting him and then I feel rotten inside.
Counselor: That "rotten inside" feeling tells me that you are going against your values. And so...You have just defined one of your most important important "Values."
Love addict: What do you mean? What's a value?
Counselor: A value is something that you absolutely must have in your life in order to feel whole and complete and true to yourself. It can be anything from "I need to work at something I love," or "I need to be able to trust those closest to me." Your value that you're defining here is that you need stability and you need to be in a relationship with someone who will love you every day.
Love addict: Oh, I see. So, where does my boyfriend fit into this?
Counselor: He doesn't. He doesn't have the qualities of a stable, trusting partner. He doesn't fit into your value system. You can't have a trusting, loving relationship with someone who is not a trusting loving person. It's like trying to fight diabetes by eating donuts. It's not going to happen.
Love addict: So what does that mean? I'm sure if I wait, he will change.
Counselor: It’s been three years. People tend to be who they are right from the start. A healthy person might have only put up with this behavior for about six month to a year, tops. You are past the point in hoping someone will change. More than anything, you are teaching him that it’s OK for him to be so undecided.
Love Addict: How am I teaching him that?! I hate that he changes his mind about me! I complain all the time and tell him he needs to stop hurting me in that way.
Counselor: You stay. By staying you are teaching him that no matter what he does, you may not like it, but you’re sticking around anyway. Sure, you're saying one thing, but your actions are saying something else entirely: that it’s OK that he does not love you 100%.
Love Addict: So how do my actions tell him I want him to love me 100%?
Counselor: Well, you leave.
Love Addict: That sounds counterproductive! If I love him why would I leave?!
Counselor: Ah yes, love. Love is a wonderful thing. But it's not the only thing you need to be content and healthy in life. Let's look at it this way. Say you're shopping for a new house and you need three bedrooms because there are three members of your family. You also need to be close to your job in the country and you really love houses, not apartments. SO you meet with a realtor and she shows you a one-bedroom apartment in the city. You LOVE it! It's beautiful! But does it fit your needs? Would you go out and buy it? And if you did buy it, where would the other members of your family sleep? And how convenienced would you be driving an hour and half to work every day? You may LOVE the apartment, but you clearly need something else.
Love Addict: I see your point But...
Counselor: But...it's the same with your boyfriend. He's a one-bedroom apartment in the city, and you need a three-bedroom in the country. You may love him, but he does not fit your needs. This is very hard to recognize and accept. But, your needs are equally as important as his, and your needs are not being met within the confines of this particular relationship. By leaving the relationship you send a clear message: I have higher expectations of a boyfriend. I expect that he will love me 100% and I will not remain in a relationship where my partner does not also share this same value.
Love Addict: But if I leave, I'm afraid he won't come after me, he'll simply let me go and I'll lose him.
Counselor: That's the risk you take. But again, what is more important to you? Being loved 100% or remaining in a relationship--any relationship-- for the sake of not being alone? Which value is more important to you? This choice, that we all make, is what separates healthy individuals from unhealthy ones. It's what keeps people in unfulfilled, painful relationships, or catapults them to a higher ground. The choice is yours, not his.
