Post by audreyfaith on Nov 23, 2011 9:18:07 GMT -8
So...sitting here after a sleepless night and feeling so unhappy. My story: I'm a life-long torch bearer who just figured out that there was a definition of what I am going through. I've always carried torches for unavailable people, people who I knew but who I never knew really deeply. One obsession didn't end until another one would begin. Well...last year I found myself carrying a torch for someone who eventually became a really close friend and who has needed my support and help this last year. She knows I have feelings for her, and she has been very understanding. I've been trying to figure out if there is a way to have limited contact with her, because she is very important in my children's lives. I'm also afraid to go to that place of total depression that I know would accompany NC. I already have been in a low place for the last year or so and it has affected my kids. I start a new job on Monday. I am not in the place to be able to feel as down and horrible as I know I would if I went NC. I started seeing a therapist a couple of months ago, and last week I went in and spilled everything that I figured out about my LA. She doesn't seem to think that it is really what is happening with me...but I do.
Anyway...my POA has been struggling and has been texting me while she is away this week. She asked how I am doing, and she didn't believe me when I said fine. She wouldn't let it go. So, finally last night, I sent her a note just explaining where I am in my head. It's not news how I feel about her, but I told her how I'm trying to figure out whether I need to cut her out of my life or if there is some way to find some balance. Because we are good friends, it is hard to feel like I am hiding my thoughts- so in a way, it was a relief to be open about it. But now that I said what is on my mind, I feel like I am at a crossroads where I have to make a decision about how to move forward. I'm just so drained, tired of trying to figure this out, so so afraid to cut her out of my life, but knowing that it likely won't get better and I'll always carry this torch for someone with absolutely no hope of anything more than a friendship. Now, I wonder what response I will get from her today though I know her well enough to know she'll just come back with "We'll work through this, don't worry. You are my friend."
Anyway...my POA has been struggling and has been texting me while she is away this week. She asked how I am doing, and she didn't believe me when I said fine. She wouldn't let it go. So, finally last night, I sent her a note just explaining where I am in my head. It's not news how I feel about her, but I told her how I'm trying to figure out whether I need to cut her out of my life or if there is some way to find some balance. Because we are good friends, it is hard to feel like I am hiding my thoughts- so in a way, it was a relief to be open about it. But now that I said what is on my mind, I feel like I am at a crossroads where I have to make a decision about how to move forward. I'm just so drained, tired of trying to figure this out, so so afraid to cut her out of my life, but knowing that it likely won't get better and I'll always carry this torch for someone with absolutely no hope of anything more than a friendship. Now, I wonder what response I will get from her today though I know her well enough to know she'll just come back with "We'll work through this, don't worry. You are my friend."