It seems like it has been easier to not deal with the trauma that happened in my childhood then face them and work on healing..
Well not working anymore..
I always would say that someone had it worse that the sexual abuse was not as bad as other stories I have heard..
When I was in group therapy for survivors it was a common bond we had..minimizing our trauma and feeling for others...I would hear the stories of abuse and trauma and sit there sobbing...
I would tell of my childhood non plussed and not fazed...it was almost like that brushing it off and minimizing what happened was easier then facing the truth..
The sexual abuse was secondary to pure neglect..emotional, physically and spiritually..
I was never held or nurtured, never made to feel important... I was abused by my paternal grandfather when I was six for about a year...touching under my dress and fondling...
My brother was sexually overt with me from when I was very young...pinching my butt..grabbing my breasts...he raped me when I was 15 I was drunk and I remember responding to him.. It makes me want to vomit now..
My mom was in and out of mental hospitals...my dad a drunk...
I think sometimes that it has been a cruel joke...that I am repaying some kharmic debt..
Hi all - chrissy you're post reminds me of when I started therapy at 41 yrs old. I was telling my crazy family story to the therapist and of course ended it with "I mean, it wasn't THAT bad".
She had to stop me and look me right in the face and say "Yes, it was. It WAS that bad. You were traumatized"
I think the point of having to get honest about the trauma (when I am ready) is to be able to look at it clinically and say "Right - OK - in order to survive that pain and trauma my thinking became distorted. My distorted thinking led me to unhealthy behavior (in many areas). It lead to unhealthy decisions and relationships. It messed up my belief system"
Once I've established that, I can move on with help from the 12 steps, therapy, reading, praying, etc.
It's a long process, though, isn't it? I STILL have a hard time trusting my own judgement. Developing a new belief system. New ways of behaving.
For today - it's OK, though. I have a plan. I have some actions to take.
Post by sobrietythirst on Aug 15, 2008 11:13:33 GMT -8
Oh Chrissy, I said the same thing...it wasn't that bad. I felt guilty when I would hear about some of the other things that happened to surviors. But it is bad...it is abuse..it changed our entire world and we were taken advantage of at a critical stage in our development..I believe in karma...but I do not think innocent children pay for the debt and wrongs of others. Abusers often try to manipulate us to make us believe that they're behavior is justified, rationalized and that we deserve it. We didn''t---and we still don't. I still have trouble claiming the whole truth because then I look at the ppl in my life and have to realize who they really..even if that was years ago. I have to make boundaries that were crossed long ago. You'll get there. It's definitely not easy...but at least you've started the process.
"Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings." Elizabeth Gilbert
After I read Telmitas post it really brought back alot of what happened in my household, my dad was always sexually overt, making comments and touching my mom in front of me. He would walk around in his underwear and say things "its my house". My brother watched porn all the time and would invite to watch it with him and his friends, he always would walk in on me while I was changing, would ask to see me naked..offered to pay me for sex.. He did rape me at least once that I can remember I was drunk at the time and have not admitted it happened until a few years ago..
Yeah it all is painful...it is allowing me to see what I went through and why I have behaved the way I did..
Reading your stories makes me feel compassion for you and brings a lot of tears. 20 years ago I remembered parts of sexual abuse from my uncle. And no more memories. I went into therapy for the next 2 years. At that time I was married to a man who emotionally abused me. That went on for 10 years.
Igot divorced, after trying6 time,going back and forth. Each time it got worse. I finally left without returning and been on my own for 10 years.
A year ago I met my lat POA, I have had no contact for about 3 months now. I am in therapy with a great counselor, and my memories of insect are returning. I guess because I have no man to distract me,I can do more healing.A lot of pain, confusion and emptiness in my life now.