Can't get to a meeting as my POA goes there & I'm doing NC.
I was 1.5 years NC when I went back to the meeting that we set up together. I thought I was OK and my crazy head was telling me it would be OK "After all this time surely it will be fine" I know he's not he person for me and we can be friends, can't we!!!"
Within 2 meeings I was doing things which I was deeply ashamed about and getting an amazing high from it. I managed to stop it eventually and am now 2 months clean. I'm good most days but the pull on Wednesday's is still massive and made me realize finally that this is an addition.
I've got so much from all your posts and undertand that he and those like him, trigger abandonment issues in me, in getting him to love me i'd be changing the past. I know I must deal with my own issues and stop looking outside myself for healing. I do not blame him or any of the others as we are all damaged people and I will carry on being kind to myself, eating properly all the little things that most peopkle do automatially.
It is a hard road, recovery but I have changed so much as a person, become kinder and more tolerant of others. It's made me humble and grateful for everything I have got. When I feel stuck in self pity I know there are others who are far worse off and I get out and help someone. The twelve steps are an inspiration and I must find some way of getting a sponsor and working them again as they do work.
For anyone in early recovery I would say stick with it, we are worth it and the gifts just keep coming.