What I learned from Cancer (HP woke me)

Thank you God, for speaking to me when I didn't want to listen.
"Isn't that typical"

I woke up today and I watch a show on Oprah's network, "Super Soul
Sunday"...love it. It's my attending "church". Something I loved when I was young -- I
didn't get it was so institutionalized. Church smelled like frankincense and
myrrh, we sang fun music or soulful chants, the eight grade girls were amazing
-- their angelic sounds coming mysteriously from somewhere behind me.

I woke up this morning at 7-ish. I looked at the receiver to see if it was
recording the show. This week it was Kris Carr and "Crazy, Sexy, Life" her
documentary on making "Crazy, Sexy, Cancer". "Ugh...ok not all of these shows
will speak to me, if I miss it...who cares." I am so small minded. I decided to
record it because...because.

Yes it was heartbreaking. Her fight against an incurable disease. Her cancer is
never going to be cured, just maintained. 3/4 of the way though -- GRACE. It
suddenly occurred to me (it's long), her cancer mirrored my struggle with my
dis-ease:

I am watching this show about cancer and I'm realizing this addiction I have,
this situation I am in, it's like [cancer]. It totally has me -- I will always
have the issue with food and I have lived with my damaged mind due to the ISM of
_____________ (alcoholics in my life, food addiction, Al-anon, CODA, SLAA etc.)

She went through the many phases: the discovery, the dysfunction, something
wasn't working, suddenly she realized, admitted, accepted I/she have/has
_______. She had cancer -- I am a love addict, COE, member of Al-anon, Coda. She
went through the why of it: Why me? What did I do? Why was I tapped? Why am I
suffering? Was it something I did? What was it specifically? Then the when of
it: Retracing her steps for the moment the cancer happened. Could she have
controlled it, to finally acceptance and powerlessness. She came to the
conclusion she had this thing and the only thing she could do was to maintain
the status quo. She was NEVER going to be cancer free. But she did know she had
a medicine -- she could control what she ate, drank and thought.

She could stay in the misery of it, the why me and attempt to change the past in
order to change the now. She could stop living her life because she had this
cancer and act as if any second it was going to explode like a nuclear bomb so
she dare not enjoy life or "inflict herself on anyone else." She didn't want to
plan for the future until she was cured. She was never going to be cured of this
type of cancer.

For me, my dis-ease is going to be a part of my life -- ACCEPTANCE -- you can
choose VICTIM or LIFE. it will always be here. You can choose HAPPY or MISERY.
My time is limited, what am I going to do? How am I going to choose to live? I
could binge and beg him and get angry he's not who I want him to be -- I can let
the disease take over and kill me OR I can eat right, get to the gym or at least
be active. I can choose to change my mind about him and LIVE MY BEST LIFE. This
way I am not constantly abusing myself with my thoughts.

Do I really want to fight against what's happening or do I want to surrender to
my powerlessness and let my HP, my best good be in charge -- certainly *I AM
NOT* in charge. Surrender will teach me about me. That is the positive message
about surrender -- it teaches me by clearing away the fog.

Oni Faida Lampley said, "My time is limited, trying to use it all up, trying to
be ok -- I am not ok." (She too has to live with cancer.) Her point being, using
what time I have left dwelling in the problem and sickness does not change it,
it waists time being in the problem.

Kris found her medicine, some of that searching led her to know how to treat
herself; it's not perfect she still has cancer. She was afraid she'd never find
love -- who wants a cancer patient? The man who helped her film the documentary
did. They fell in love and got married. He loved her "warts" and all. He didn't
care if her tumors were the size of medicine balls (he said.) She eventually
called herself a survivor even though it is still in her body but just doesn't
grow. Today.

I started writing: I can stay in the muck of the poor me who doesn't have the
man who doesn't want me, fighting to change me for him to win him back -- I'll
never cure that "cancer". OR "Life is just too sweet to be bitter" Kris said.
"Stay in the moment. The only way to get through FEAR is to change my focus.
Once you change your focus desperation lead to inspiration. So many changes
happened which turned into an awesome life. We will all die, but how many of us
truly live?"

I can choose to focus on a man or a situation that I can not control and the
misery of not controlling it and the effects that happen since I couldn't
control it -- THAT IS NOT LIVING. I so easily, when I'm out there with him and
his daughter, can focus on how much I am not apart of them, how they don't treat
me, how I feel ignored, a non-entity -- sick, sick, sick = death. OR today I
choose to focus on the next best thing for me and let God have them and accept,
allow them to have their life.

I told him I was no longer in the picture, he broke up with me, this
relationship is over -- BUT I LIVE HERE, I am on the lease, I can't leave, I am
who I am and if the ex-wife doesn't like it -- let her take it out on HIM all
she likes, let HIM allow it. Not my issue. I have a right to live. I WILL make
mistakes, I AM NOT PERFECT. Deal with it. I certainly deal with THEIR issues.

Today I ask for life and God's Guidance. Is it best for me to keep tearing him
down because he won't change or I'm jealous -- NO. It demoralizes me. I feel bad
and we fight and I do not have peace. That is the disease -- fighting a cancer
that will not change, not be cured -- its useless. It's a lost battle. Focus on
living -- getting ready for the day: taking care of me, take my medicine, take
care of my eating, take care of my thoughts. "Use fear to inspire me to change,
go through it, surf it, ride it , get to the other side of it. Participate in my
life, in my health, spiritual wellness and happiness" (Kris Carr)

And finally from Marianne Williamson: "Focus on people's good intentions and the
whole world will open up." Meaning, stop focusing on how others do things wrong
but what they tried to do right.

Thank you God. For being better than me

ME