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Post by torchbearer13 on Dec 12, 2011 17:15:30 GMT -8
I'm totally going nuts. My therapist told me I should look into Love Addiction. I am totally a torchbearer.
I'm 28 years old and I've never had a relationship. Every woman I cared about or had feelings for was just my addiction. I think that I will never find someone because of my lack of experience( that must be a huge red flag for women).
My current POA works with me(there are many others too). I've been at this job for 3 1/2 years, and I had a crush on her the moment I saw her. No Contact won't really work because we work together. Whenever I just go about my day and not think about her we always end up crossing paths. I've tried to accept being friends, making plans for lunch etc... Whenever we start getting close she pulls away. My therapist says she(POA) is a Love Avoidnat. I know I'm not supposed to worry about the other person though.
I've gone to a few SLAA meetings. I couldn't really relate because it seemed like more sex addict, everyone else also had relationships.
I did run into a girl I know there. She gave me her e-mail and phone number. I'd really like to call her. My therapist says she's unavailable.
I just feel so lost. I'll never find someone, even in recovery. I go to AA too.
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Post by Loving My Life on Dec 12, 2011 17:46:57 GMT -8
welcome toruchbearer, we are all glad your here. can you go to the newcomers thread under the home tab and tell us your story how you got here, and what your recovery goals are? you will find alot of knowledge & support on this forum. Im also glad you are going to AA meetings, and you have a face to face support system. again welcome and we are glad your here. keep coming back.
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Post by LovelyJune on Dec 13, 2011 6:02:55 GMT -8
Whenever we start getting close she pulls away. My therapist says she(POA) is a Love Avoidant. I don't know the full details of your story, but maybe she's not a love avoidant at all. Maybe (and you're not going to like to hear this) she just doesn't like you. People do avoid other people based on simple things like attraction. Despite that being really hard to hear, it's a healthier idea to grapple with. SOmetimes when we assign someone a disorder, the "fixer" in us tries to fix the patient, or wait for the disease to run its course. When someone has a disorder counter to something we might have...Ahhh...it's a match made in heaven. But this is not a very healthy way to look at a situation IF you want to get healthy. IF (all caps) you want to get healthy, you need to play by different rules, and that means moving on and focusing your love and attention on someone who is available, not someone who may be an avoidant and thus, need fixing. The other more important issue is that torchbearing is a very SAFE way to love someone (from a distance) when you are scared to death of intimacy. In order to be healthy and offer someone a good reason to date you, you definitely need to start moving in that direction. That is, you need to address your intimacy issues. When you are your own red flag, you need to change and to work on YOU before you can begin to date successfully. How do you do that? Start reading. And start working towards more intimate friendships. Take risks. WOrk on your fear of rejection....etc. Hope this helps! |
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Post by torchbearer13 on Dec 13, 2011 17:54:00 GMT -8
Whenever we start getting close she pulls away. My therapist says she(POA) is a Love Avoidant. I don't know the full details of your story, but maybe she's not a love avoidant at all. Maybe (and you're not going to like to hear this) she just doesn't like you. People do avoid other people based on simple things like attraction. Despite that being really hard to hear, it's a healthier idea to grapple with. SOmetimes when we assign someone a disorder, the "fixer" in us tries to fix the patient, or wait for the disease to run its course. When someone has a disorder counter to something we might have...Ahhh...it's a match made in heaven. But this is not a very healthy way to look at a situation IF you want to get healthy. IF (all caps) you want to get healthy, you need to play by different rules, and that means moving on and focusing your love and attention on someone who is available, not someone who may be an avoidant and thus, need fixing. The other more important issue is that torchbearing is a very SAFE way to love someone (from a distance) when you are scared to death of intimacy. In order to be healthy and offer someone a good reason to date you, you definitely need to start moving in that direction. That is, you need to address your intimacy issues. When you are your own red flag, you need to change and to work on YOU before you can begin to date successfully. How do you do that? Start reading. And start working towards more intimate friendships. Take risks. WOrk on your fear of rejection....etc. Hope this helps! I'm sorry but, I am a bit confused by your post. My therapist was the one that said my POA might be an avoidant. I have no idea, I never even knew the term until a week ago. She does know the details. I hoping that my therapist wouldn't be enabling me. I also don't understand how torch-bearing is safe. Isn't that what makes me an addict? I could see a fear of intimacy being a possibility. It is very hard for me to get close to anyone. I think it is usually confused with physical intimacy, which I have experienced. I could see it being hard for me to have someone like me, because I don't like myself. I am just not sure where or how to start on that. I'm really trying to work on Limited Contact with my POA. We work together. The last two days I made that my goal. We still came in contact, it's always when I am not trying . I just said "hey" and that was it. |
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Post by LovelyJune on Dec 18, 2011 3:31:19 GMT -8
Hi torchbearer,
I didn't mean that torchbearing is safe in a healthy, good way. Not at all. But to a torchbearer, it's safe because it means you don't have to worry about intimacy. Your torchbearing protects you from actually having a REAL relationship. This, of course, is not entirely healthy if you want to have a real relationship some day. Your torchbearing (loving someone from afar, or loving someone who is completely unavailable is a defense mechanism. It will allow you to fantasize about a person so you can feel love, but not have an actual relationship with them so that you can experience love.)
Your therapist may be right that she is an avoidant (she may like you but cannot commit or get close) and she may be wrong--she just may be a woman who just does not like you. My point is this: it does not matter what makes her unavailable. She's not the problem. You are. It's YOUR job to recognize that any unavailable person is not a good catch. Period. Make sense?
Which brings me to my last comment. Limited contact is great. But it's a temporary fix to a deeper problem. The deeper problem is that you don't love yourself. There are many roads to self-love. Here are a few:
-Find out who you are. Really start to look at yourself more deeply and analytically.
-Forgive yourself for who you are.
-What holds you back in the world? Find out why this is so and work towards overcoming it.
-Play. Do what you enjoy. Take risks, figure out what you LIKE and practice and master something.
-Sit ALONE with yourself and see what thoughts pop into your head.
-Read a book about self-esteem. The Self-Esteem Workbook" is a great start.
-Stop focusing on people outside yourself for answers. You are in therapy. Use the time to figure out who YOU are, not who she is.
-Do you have an ailments, difficulties, disorders. Learn about them and how to manage them. I recently read an article about Adult Attention Deficit Disorder and how most adults are frustrated with their lives but don't know why until they realize they have ADD.
My point? Explore your options! Don't think you need to focus on relationship help. You need to focus on who you are BEFORE you can have a relationship. Don't try to walk before you crawl.
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Post by sober on Dec 18, 2011 3:44:10 GMT -8
My point is this: it does not matter what makes her unavailable. She's not the problem. You are. It's YOUR job to recognize that any unavailable person is not a good catch. Period. Make sense? Thanks for this thought! |
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Post by lovely1 on May 11, 2012 18:40:52 GMT -8
Regarding the original post, I'm wondering if you've ever been just friends with a woman? Maybe you should start there. Forge platonic friendships with people you're not attracted to romanticaly, but like nevertheless who also like you. Then focus on these relationships while you work on your sef esteem etc.
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Post by Susan Peabody on May 12, 2012 11:33:04 GMT -8
Great advice.
I did not like women (myself, my mother, grandmother, my peers) before recovaery because of neglect and bullying.
When you truly love yourself you will forgive and then love your same gender. This is a very important turning point in your recovery.
Same applies to men.
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Post by alone51 on May 12, 2012 12:46:25 GMT -8
Torchbearer13, reading your post reminds me so much of myself. When I was 28, I was in the exact same situation as you are now. I was in love (lust, really) with a girl at my workplace whom I saw every day. I asked her out several times, but she wasn't interested. Unfortunately, I wouldn't give up, and it got so bad for me (and her) that I wound up getting transferred to another location within the company.
All of the previous suggestions are good ones, so try to meet other women outside your workplace. Since you originally posted your problem 5 months ago, we'd be curious to know how you're doing now.
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Post by Loving My Life on May 12, 2012 13:36:38 GMT -8
well i felt like i was going nuts about an hour ago, obsessing mind games with myself, i guess this is part of the healing process. I can see and feel now how my poa has sucked the life right out of me. Somewhere I lost myself, and I believe it was about a year ago. Even though I know my poa has a girlfriend now and it has been 6 days since i talked to him, my crazy self, still thinks i want this jerk. I feel like a silly teenager right now.
But im beginning too see parts of my old confident self returning, I was full of life, self confident, fun loving....etc etc, what in the hell did i let this man do to me? he sucked the life right out of me. Can you say crazy?
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Post by LovelyJune on May 16, 2012 3:18:07 GMT -8
he sucked the life right out of me. Can you say crazy? Carolyn, here's something you're not going to like to hear, but it will help in your recovery: You allowed it. |
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Post by Loving My Life on May 16, 2012 3:45:37 GMT -8
LJ, yes I did allow this to happen, hindsight is 20/20. I do take total responsibility for what happened, but it is still confusing and there is still alot of pain involved to heal from all of this, and Im healing now, iam not in denial any longer. I need to hear the truth now.
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