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Post by Jacarandagirl on Dec 15, 2011 12:30:03 GMT -8
GUESS WHAT?
I have something I am excited about sharing. I am also nervous about sharing it. This morning I sat up in bed, grabbed my lappie and looked out my window at the sunny morning and I thought:
I don't want a man in my life right now. I love my life just like it is.
How is that!!!!?? I can't tell you how unusual that is for me. I am a little bit worried that in sharing it I will jinx myself and lose it. But I want to do it anyway. I am so excited to be choosing ME...again! I've been doing it so many more times lately than I ever did before. It is completely different to live my life looking after myself. I no longer attack myself, pretty much on a daily basis, like before. I haven't been angry or depressed in days and days.
I really think I might be healing from this addiction. What a complete surprise.
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Post by mybestme on Dec 15, 2011 12:46:28 GMT -8
That's SO cool!!!! Good for you Jac! What a great feeling...especially before the holidays!!!
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Dec 15, 2011 12:53:27 GMT -8
Thanks mybestme! I was just adding this...
woah- added realisation! Sitting here doing some stretches I'm thinking about writing what I just wrote, and how I'm feeling like I want to take the risk of sharing even if it means I feel wrong or silly later, or the feeling changes or whatever, and I start to think about my flatmate and her father. Last night I was sitting at the table with her and her father came shuffling up the hall to get something from the kitchen. He came over to us because he couldn't hear what my flatmate was saying to him (didn't have his hearing aid in). He bent down to hear her, and, after she told him what she'd said, she gave him a cuddle from where she sat. He smiled and hugged her with the arm that was free (other one balancing on the table). I sat right next to them and watched this tender moment close up. I felt safe and happy. It was beautiful.
So the realisation: I have stopped looking for love from one man, and I've started to get it from the whole world.
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Post by gemmrose1 on Dec 15, 2011 13:05:15 GMT -8
Thats such a positive story. Thanks for sharing it & Well done. Just enjoy those special moments.
I've had a few myself and they are so much better than anything I felt in the madness of addiction.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Dec 15, 2011 17:51:57 GMT -8
YES gemrose- so much better! I can't believe how much better it is. From the side of pining for a man's love, for my last ex, it didn't seem in any way truly desirable to "love myself" and be on my own, LET ALONE CHOOSE to be on my own. It was more like YuK, why would I do that, I'd only settle for that if it was the only thing left and it definitely wouldn't be as good as if I was getting loved from "him". I'd do it if I had to.
But the truth is so surprising. Loving me is WAY better than what he could manage. Here's why- It lasts almost all day and night on a good day. I like people more. I have more fun, I laugh more, I eat better, I do more fun things, I enjoy myself way more, I'm nicer to people, I feel my heart. I think about giving. I feel good. I look after my work better, I listen more to people, I avoid getting embroiled with people who are obviously not available and very wrapped up in themselves. I don't look for acknowledgement from them. Sometimes I can see a look in people's faces that kind of tells me they are more present, coupled with what they are saying and how they act, and then I can share something a little more with them.
I guess the real test will come the next time something goes "wrong". The last few times that's happened I haven't felt nearly so bad for nearly so long...I'm almost looking forward to it. OK! that's enough. I don't need to ask for it!
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Post by ramaplame on Dec 15, 2011 17:53:34 GMT -8
I had one, too. I was like, "I love myself." Out of nowhere! I didn't try and think about it, I wasn't giving myself an affirmation... it just sort of popped in my head. It was awesome.
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Post by ramaplame on Dec 15, 2011 17:55:39 GMT -8
I think it's great that you are sharing these realizations with us, because we start looking for and sharing our own on this forum. So, thank you!
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Dec 15, 2011 17:56:42 GMT -8
You're welcome ramaplane! Thanks also to you and all the contributors and moderators here. With what you said before, it really IS awesome that we can feel actual love for ourselves. Especially when we've grown up not knowing how to do it, not being shown by anyone. Being told the opposite, being treated as less than. We're growing ourselves up. It's totally awesome.
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Post by Loving My Life on Dec 15, 2011 18:43:06 GMT -8
jaca, thanks for sharing that tonight, as I was driving home from my meeting tonight, i was having the same thoughts, i have to start turning all my love inward now. I just have too. progress not perfection.
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Post by Healing Ku'uipo on Dec 15, 2011 19:19:59 GMT -8
Yay! Yippee! I am so Happy for you! *****It's Recovery!****** I so get where your at, I'm right there with you! I had no idea I could feel so clear headed. You wont jinx it by saying it, because its true .
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Post by margot on Dec 15, 2011 21:22:38 GMT -8
Thanks for sharing that Jacaranda...........it's good stuff.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Dec 16, 2011 2:13:20 GMT -8
Thanks to everyone who posted- it's fantastic reading that you are having similar feelings. I feel really, really positive about recovery from codependency. Keep it up, keep posting if you feel good about yourself and your recovery xx
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Post by LoveParis on Dec 16, 2011 7:00:35 GMT -8
Thanks for sharing jacarandagirl! It's made me hopeful that I will feel the same one day.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Dec 17, 2011 1:57:38 GMT -8
hi loveparis, keep working on yourself and healing and self-love will find you for sure.
Hi requin It's taken me my whole life to get to that point! And nearly one year from splitting with my last PoA. And I want to add it's not like it's a permanent state I'm in now, far from it, but it's a milestone just to feel it at all, that's why I wanted to post it. If I knew how to make it stick I would do it in a flash! But it's not that simple of course.
To get where I am now, I never had to do strict NC, although I did initiate trying to stop my obsessive thoughts about my PoA. After I got really clear that it was me who needed to heal, not him, my PoA did not contact me at all, except very infrequently for practical stuff. I went to CODA groups every week and now help run them. I started the 12 steps and got a co-sponsor. I do self-enquiry every week- the work of Byron Katie. I started getting regular exercise. I read books on Codep. and read info here and other places online, like Baggage reclaim, etc. I have a close friend who supported me to really feel my fears when they came up and we talked on the phone every week. I often cried with her. I had counselling once a fortnight. I recorded what my counsellor told me about drug addicted partners and what they are like, and what they can and cannot do in relationships on my iphone and listened to it when I was feeling desperate and love addicted myself.
My PoA and I recently had a mature talk about where we are both at now, nearly a year after our split. There is no tiny little hope left in me (that I know of) for the relationship, and no desire for it. I'm not planning to date again any time soon. Next year I will re-assess that and maybe start dating again. I have started a dating plan and will do some more work on it before I dive in again.
thanks for asking xx
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Post by sweettgirll on Dec 17, 2011 13:47:12 GMT -8
hi jaca!! i am so happy for you!! keep up the good work you deserve it!!
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Post by soulseeker on Dec 17, 2011 14:22:26 GMT -8
yea!
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Post by nvr2late on Dec 19, 2011 10:56:38 GMT -8
Must be something in the water.
I don't so much want a man (as in romance) in my life as I want some company. I'm trying hard to expand my horizons to include new men and women, but it doesn't happen fast. I want adult conversation, doing new things, etc.
I really don't *want* to deal with a love interest and to be honest my heart still yearns in some ways for my Ex. But this being alone night after night after night is for the birds.
Like you Jacarandagirl, I've thought many times that I'm really liking some aspects of my single life right now. I just need to find some social interactions that are fun, healthy and non-triggering.
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Post by margot on Dec 19, 2011 20:38:38 GMT -8
Dear Requin.......................I know how that feels...........to hate yourself for loving the unavailable for so long......putting your life on hold..........denying yourself a real life, a happy life, a healthy life............the self-denial.
Yes, you need friends............I could not/cannot do it alone. I tried.......I cannot. If you could move to an area/city where there are people and meetings and fun things to do.............it could be very very good. Think hard about it...........make some good changes for yourself to have a happy life. You deserve it..........you've had it so very hard and lonely. Meanwhile........read the recommended books and websites posted here and begin to make real changes for your good life to come. My thoughts are with you.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Dec 20, 2011 4:34:31 GMT -8
Hey, great to identify what you want- more friends- now you need an action plan. How are you going to get them? I can think of a few ways, like joining a club, be it sport or book or gardening or writing, etc etc, becoming a volunteer, getting a job with a team of people, can u think of more?
Because they won't just appear in front of you magically!
I reckon that's such a huge factor in codependency and LA. Feeling unsatisfied by life but instead of taking action, being a passive "victim" of circumstance, inactive, stuck, unable to make decisions or do fun stuff for ourselves. As I heal I am noticing some very big changes there. I decided to drive my car 2,000 k's to visit my adult kids. For the FIRST time I can remember in so long, I am really enjoying being on an adventure by myself (I'm looking round for some wood to touch). I drove for 10 hours today and had a great time. I chatted to strangers when i stopped. I was touched by seeing a nest of baby ibis's and their mum feeding them...special moment. I called my friend and we laughed because I had a really codependent thought when I saw them which was that I quickly worried that they were too close to the road. What could I do? Nothing. Just Let go.
I arrived to see my son play a sports game and win a big trophy, just by chance with me there! I love that too. It's like a reward from life for taking the plunge and doing this trip. Driving in the city is usually something that really freaks me out and I managed it all way better than before.
Basically everything in my life is 100's of times better than it's ever been. I still haven't been angry in the way i used to be, angry at inanimate objects and myself when i am stressed, for ages. This one is really kind of personal- sometimes I even notice that I feel pretty...sort of beautiful even. Not when I look in the mirror, just sitting in the car or somewhere. It's like an inner lovely feeling. NEVER used to feel it before.
Again, if I can feel this, you can too. And I don't know for absolute certain what it all means, if I really am healing or not, if it will last, I have no idea. I hope so. But it's starting to have a feeling of stability to it I haven't felt before. I feel settled. I feel stable and happy in myself and able to look after me. I wouldn't swap this for anything.
I hope I can hold to that when it really counts. But if I can't, I trust I will come back to it. Pain is a great teacher.
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Post by margot on Dec 20, 2011 9:40:43 GMT -8
Jacaranda............what a great feeling you describe. I'm happy for you. Your suggestions on taking action are great too.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Dec 20, 2011 13:00:58 GMT -8
Thanks margot. What are you doing for yourself lately? I'd love to hear about it if you're doing something you really love. I really don't *want* to deal with a love interest and to be honest my heart still yearns in some ways for my Ex. But this being alone night after night after night is for the birds. Nvr2ate, this is how I used to feel too. What I'm (hopefully not droning) on about here is that there really is something way better than this feeling, that I'm finally discovering...so far it's meant I haven't felt like that again. I'm not lonely. It feels like real freedom. It's the only time in my adult life I can remember not having a secret, quiet little voice, rock solid bottom line of feeling like I really need a man to be happy. Shivers, I really feel like I'm tempting fate here talking about it like this. But I also want to test out this "fear of getting jinxed". It makes me aware of how much I like this new state of being- being happy with me. I really don't want to lose it. It's like it's replaced the fear of losing a relationship, when I have one. Now i fear losing this. I don't want to let any fear run the show any more. I can see why I fear losing it- every other time in my life, especially when I was a child, pretty much whenever I felt good "out in public" someone would come and take it away from me, bring me down. As an adult I found I continued on and did it to myself- I'd taken on the role of oppressing myself. So what do I need now? Just to feel the fear and do it anyway!
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Post by Loving My Life on Dec 20, 2011 14:27:11 GMT -8
I believe this is our HP doing for us what we cant do for ourselves...this is our time to learn to love ourselves first. Do for ourselves, go to movies with ourselves, read, paint, puzzles, do anything or maybe nothing just sit with ourselves. It is ok. im getting healthier everyday, and i love being by myself right now, learning my likes and dislikes. Stay with yourself, you may find out how awesome you really are.
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Post by margot on Dec 20, 2011 15:44:26 GMT -8
Jacaranda.........I'm maintaining sobriety at the present time with moments of serenity. I'm attending more AA meetings, reading here, reading my books and trying to get some presents wrapped for my little, great nieces and nephews and the older ones. Walking my dogs, holding my cats, going to work, cleaning the house, having dinner with a friend, taking care of the yard............not much time presently for fun. Whenever I get a chance I sit in the sun and soak it up.........feels really good. I'm also 'better job' searching...........not fun at all but it seems necessary. I did get my craft room cleaned out so maybe sometime I'll get to go play in there. Busy. Thanks for asking. I really enjoy your posts.
Requin..........I understand what you're saying. So, maybe there are some diversions for you nearby. I'm glad you're here.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Dec 20, 2011 15:55:28 GMT -8
@ carloyn- Yep. Just imagine the world if we were all able to do that all the time. How different would it be!!! But I totally agree, this is the time to be with me. I'm glad I'm not with anyone or very interested in a particular man. I've got a lot of catching up to do with myself. requin- you sound like you're taking one day at a time, and doing all you can to stay positive. That's very wise. I'm thinking about what you said- your expectation that it will get worse...that it could be self-fullfilling if you hold onto it tightly...which would be unnecessarily bringing on unhappiness....but also that I know what you mean...so what I can say is this- If you expect to be in a situation where you are badly triggered, which is at some point likely, since there's no two ways about it, we just do get those kind of triggers, prepare yourself for that moment now. Get yourself a stash of good food, books, movies you like, etc, your journal, a friend you know you can call, you get what i mean? Get it all in place in readiness for the downhill moments. Make your list of why you won't go back. A list of his unacceptable traits and behaviours towards you. And hang on for the ride!
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Dec 20, 2011 16:07:38 GMT -8
@ margot- your life sounds peaceful and healthy. Like you're getting ready for your next phase, maybe with the new job you're looking for. Good for you. How much of a relief is it not being emotionally tied to a stuffpy relationship? For me it's so huge.
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Post by margot on Dec 20, 2011 16:14:16 GMT -8
Jacaranda...........I have my moments of peace and I have my moments of anxiety. Since coming to this board, one thing I know for sure..........You can't change anyone so don't let their actions bother you AND I can now tell the difference between attraction/lust and love. That is Huge for me..........So if I keep that in mind while maintaining a friendship with the man I'm seeing AND calling on HP whenever I feel iffy..........I'm gonna be great.........feel great.........be OK.
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