Post by ontheroad on Dec 19, 2011 11:07:35 GMT -8
Hi everybody,
So, this week, I sat down and wrote out my boundaries. I wrote out my values, and I wrote out my preferences. I also wrote out what I am going to say/do if people break my boundaries. I have never in my life felt such a sense of safety. I have finally found a way to protect myself, and a method in which to do so. I have also stopped the codependent behavior of trying to figure out my fionse's problems for her. If she asks me for support, then I will be there, however I will NOT be in control of her recovery from anything. So yesterday was my first experience in acting on my boundary. She has signs of pathological altruism and anger issues, and this is the second time this week that she has thrown a temper tantrum when something didn't go her way. We were in the car, and when she gets mad while we are in the car, she either hits the dashboard with her hand, or she sort of jerks the car into the next lane. It is SCARY. So, last night she jerked the car after I told her I didn't want to go looking at Christmas lights. The situation isn't all that important, but I was upset and we talked about it. I told her that one of my values is that I will not be in a committed relationship with someone with anger issues and that when she does these things, it is scary and makes me feel threatened. Upon me saying this, she said "Well, then this is something I am going to work on because I don't want you or anyone around me to feel that way. If I feel that this is something I can not change, I will let you know and will respect your decision." So, I am all for her going and getting help, as I also have my own issues I need to deal with. I wondering though, when is enough enough?
? Now that she said she will be getting help for it, I don't want to continue enduring this until she is better. Does it seem reasonable that the next time she has an out of control outburst or acts codependent by spending energy or money on someone when we don't have it to give, that I let her know that I can not be in a relationship with her right now? Or is that too harsh??? I think the reasonable answer is probably that the next time she does it, I just let her know I can not allow myself to feel this way right now and we need to part ways. What do you all think???
So, this week, I sat down and wrote out my boundaries. I wrote out my values, and I wrote out my preferences. I also wrote out what I am going to say/do if people break my boundaries. I have never in my life felt such a sense of safety. I have finally found a way to protect myself, and a method in which to do so. I have also stopped the codependent behavior of trying to figure out my fionse's problems for her. If she asks me for support, then I will be there, however I will NOT be in control of her recovery from anything. So yesterday was my first experience in acting on my boundary. She has signs of pathological altruism and anger issues, and this is the second time this week that she has thrown a temper tantrum when something didn't go her way. We were in the car, and when she gets mad while we are in the car, she either hits the dashboard with her hand, or she sort of jerks the car into the next lane. It is SCARY. So, last night she jerked the car after I told her I didn't want to go looking at Christmas lights. The situation isn't all that important, but I was upset and we talked about it. I told her that one of my values is that I will not be in a committed relationship with someone with anger issues and that when she does these things, it is scary and makes me feel threatened. Upon me saying this, she said "Well, then this is something I am going to work on because I don't want you or anyone around me to feel that way. If I feel that this is something I can not change, I will let you know and will respect your decision." So, I am all for her going and getting help, as I also have my own issues I need to deal with. I wondering though, when is enough enough?
? Now that she said she will be getting help for it, I don't want to continue enduring this until she is better. Does it seem reasonable that the next time she has an out of control outburst or acts codependent by spending energy or money on someone when we don't have it to give, that I let her know that I can not be in a relationship with her right now? Or is that too harsh??? I think the reasonable answer is probably that the next time she does it, I just let her know I can not allow myself to feel this way right now and we need to part ways. What do you all think???