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Post by mlchris on Dec 26, 2011 15:25:32 GMT -8
The past few days, I have noticed something different about my friend (who is also my sponsor). At first I wanted to dismiss it as simply the hustle and bustle of the holidays, but today I sensed it was something more. He appears to be distancing himself from me (it may not be only me, through my learning I am trying not to take it personal). He will converse with me if I initiate the conversation, but his responses are very short and not like him at all. He is usually so open to daily conversation about everything, but lately I have noticed that he really doesn't seem interested in talking, and somewhat even annoyed with it. Today I asked him how his Christmas was, he said it was great, but that's it. He didn't even ask me how mine was. I know there is something wrong, but when I asked if he was ok, he gave his regular response of "I'm fine, doing great.". I let it go at that, but the fact that he's just not himself is bothering me. I know I should just let it be, but in the back of my mind I can't help but wonder if it is me or something or someone else. I know all of this thinking is my addiction trying to take over, but as a friend I am also concerned. What is the best way to handle this?
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Post by Loving My Life on Dec 26, 2011 15:38:36 GMT -8
iam going to speak from my experience, my sponsor did the same thing to me, and it is b/c we have to learn to stand on our own 2 feet, it hurt me also, but sponsors are not friends, they are guides. im not sure what step your own, but i know after my 1 year in recovery, i was own my own. If we start to become to dependent or we are not moving forward in our recovery, sponsors will remove themselves, without a explanantion. So if you are feeling this, dont take it personal, just start looking for another sponsor (women). And move on. We have to go to any lengths for OUR recovery.
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Post by margot on Dec 26, 2011 15:55:24 GMT -8
That makes sense Carolyn. I'll also keep that in mind. I'm getting closer to getting a real live sponsor......it's narrowed down to 3 possibles. It should happen soon, I'm giving myself plenty of time to recover.........so I'm slow. It's OK. Also I pray. For guidance.
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Post by Loving My Life on Dec 26, 2011 16:08:36 GMT -8
Margot, there is no time limit, the important thing is you continue going to your meetings, and sharing here, and stay connected to your recovery program. dont isolate, that is where you get in trouble. Because I will never say I have got this, b/c when I think I know everything, i will relapse. This forum and my local 12 steps fellowship will always be a part of my life, or Iam done. So as they say Keep coming back, it works if you work it. Hugs to you.
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Post by Havefaith on Dec 26, 2011 17:23:33 GMT -8
I will say, this is a very tough addiction to sponsor, at least it has been for me.
Unlike a substance addiction, this addiction deals with emotions and behaviors and most folks have different bottom lines -- the love addict has to sift through complex emotions/behaviors and decide which ones are toxic or slippery slope.
Because of this, I have had to step back a bit when I've felt myself take on too much of a 'therapy' role and remind myself that my job as sponsor is to guide my sponsee through the Steps and be available when they think they are in danger of acting out.
It can get exhausting and frustrating for both sponsor and sponsee at times.
HaveFaith
HaveFaith
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Post by margot on Dec 26, 2011 21:03:39 GMT -8
Thanks Carolyn...............no time limit and 'keep coming back'. I know that isolating is what gets me in so much trouble too. You and HaveFaith have really been there for me. Thanks so much. There are others that I've gained good information from also. I'll keep coming back.
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Post by Havefaith on Dec 26, 2011 21:24:29 GMT -8
Nope - no time limits - you have your whole life to recover! And you never, ever have to do it alone...
HaveFaith
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Post by go12 on Dec 26, 2011 23:06:18 GMT -8
Nope - no time limits - you have your whole life to recover! And you never, ever have to do it alone... HaveFaith Nice words there! |
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Post by margot on Dec 27, 2011 15:35:17 GMT -8
Yes Requin. Sponsors should be same sex.........common sense tells us that.
My 'possible sponsor' list is down to 2. And the beat goes on..................
I almost walked out of a meeting today because a lady was arguing with a grumpy old man. He walked out and she kept yakking about him and finally shut up. I will never consider someone like that (too selfish talkative and showing low tolerance) for a sponsor. I showed low tolerance cuz I almost walked out but instead I said the serenity prayer a couple times. Anyway............that's my truth for the day. It did not leave a good, happy and wholesome feeling......overall.
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Post by overcomer on Dec 28, 2011 3:59:27 GMT -8
The past few days, I have noticed something different about my friend (who is also my sponsor). At first I wanted to dismiss it as simply the hustle and bustle of the holidays, but today I sensed it was something more. He appears to be distancing himself from me (it may not be only me, through my learning I am trying not to take it personal). He will converse with me if I initiate the conversation, but his responses are very short and not like him at all. He is usually so open to daily conversation about everything, but lately I have noticed that he really doesn't seem interested in talking, and somewhat even annoyed with it. Today I asked him how his Christmas was, he said it was great, but that's it. He didn't even ask me how mine was. I know there is something wrong, but when I asked if he was ok, he gave his regular response of "I'm fine, doing great.". I let it go at that, but the fact that he's just not himself is bothering me. I know I should just let it be, but in the back of my mind I can't help but wonder if it is me or something or someone else. I know all of this thinking is my addiction trying to take over, but as a friend I am also concerned. What is the best way to handle this? If I'm in that situation I will pray for him and trust that it will work out by itself w/o me interfering or losing my serenity. |
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Post by mlchris on Dec 28, 2011 10:44:32 GMT -8
Thank you, Overcomer, that was actually the path I had decided on taking, and it seems to be working out.
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Post by Loving My Life on Dec 28, 2011 14:47:51 GMT -8
mlchris, what are your thoughts on the suggestions about your sponsor? Do you think you might need to find a women. Or are you going to keep working with your male sponsor. Just curious about your thoughts.
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Post by mlchris on Dec 29, 2011 1:11:54 GMT -8
I can certainly understand and appreciate the concern and why some may think that it would be better for one to have a sponsor of the same sex. It has been something that I have carefully examined and discussed with my sponsor. However, at least for now, I have decided to continue working with him. We both feel comfortable with this decision, as we seem to "connect" with each other as we believe an addict/sponsor relationship should. We both have mutual respect for each other in terms of recovery, and work well together. Until we both feel that this is harming either our friendship or our recovery, we will continue as is. Thanks!
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Post by Loving My Life on Dec 29, 2011 3:17:24 GMT -8
mlchris, just keep your boundaries up, and remember he is your sponsor not your love interest, and if you feel yourself wanting more from him than just a sponsor, you will probably just be setting yourself up for a disappointment. Read about transference also. Keep us posted on how your recovery is going also. Thank you for the update.
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