Post by alone51 on Dec 31, 2011 0:32:54 GMT -8
I'm glad I found this forum. I have a long history of torchbearing, and a lot of the comments and articles I've read here ring very true to me and hit very close to home.
For the past couple of months, I've been carrying a torch for a woman who has been a platonic friend for 6 years. I'm 51, she's 42. Neither one of us has ever been married nor are either of us currently in a relationship. I always have a great time whenever we get together, and I feel so comfortable in her presence. We talk about a lot of things, we laugh, and share our hopes and dreams. We're both animal lovers, and whenever she goes out of town (usually twice a year), she asks me to look after and feed her cat. Since we live in the same neighborhood, this is certainly not an inconvenience.
Recently, however, she started to pick up on some apparent signals I was putting out. I never said or did anything inappropriate, but she's a smart girl, and she felt a different vibe coming from me the last time we got together. I also gave her a very heartfelt Christmas card along with a CD I made for her of her favorite songs. Ever since she's suspected my feelings, she has pulled away from me. She even asked a girlfriend of hers to take over my duties as cat sitter this month. When I asked her during our last phone conversation if everything was alright, she evaded the issue and told me that she had to go.
Since all of this happened, I've been heartsick about it. I've fallen in love with her, but it's obvious she's just not interested in me that way. But now it seems she doesn't know how to (or won't) deal with it, so she's avoiding me.
Which finally brings me to the topic in the subject line. Every time I go through an unrequited love situation, all my friends (as well as forums like these) tell me I need to work on my self esteem. The reasoning being that if I loved myself more, I wouldn't allow someone's rejection, indifference, or confusing behavior take over my world. I would tell myself I deserve to be treated "better", or that I shouldn't waste my time, energy, or emotions on a girl who can't reciprocate my feelings. (By the way, I don't fall in love with every girl I ask out; it's only girls who I seem to have a deep friendship with first). My problem with the whole self-esteem belief is that we live in a world where we have to relate to and co-exist with other human beings. Of course, not everyone is going to be our biggest fan, and that will occasionally hurt our ego. Most of the time, we brush ourselves off, get up, and just move on. But when I have feelings for woman like I do now, it's hard to depend on my value as a person to get me over the reality of how wonderful it would be to have her in my life. I can sit at home and love myself and my qualities all I want, but when I go out into the world and leave my safe little bubble, the truth of some situations (like knowing I've possibly ruined my friendship with this girl) still hits me in the gut. And the suspicion or knowledge that she will eventually meet another guy who will win her heart and body with very little effort (chemistry - I know), makes me feel even worse. I feel jealous and betrayed, even though I know in my mind that she has every right to choose whomever she wants for a lover or boyfriend.
I know I rambled a bit here, but I'm going through a lot of confusing emotions right now. My common sense tells me never to contact her again, but my stubborn heart tells me to call her and try to salvage what we did have as friends. My self-esteem doesn't seem to fit in here anywhere.
For the past couple of months, I've been carrying a torch for a woman who has been a platonic friend for 6 years. I'm 51, she's 42. Neither one of us has ever been married nor are either of us currently in a relationship. I always have a great time whenever we get together, and I feel so comfortable in her presence. We talk about a lot of things, we laugh, and share our hopes and dreams. We're both animal lovers, and whenever she goes out of town (usually twice a year), she asks me to look after and feed her cat. Since we live in the same neighborhood, this is certainly not an inconvenience.
Recently, however, she started to pick up on some apparent signals I was putting out. I never said or did anything inappropriate, but she's a smart girl, and she felt a different vibe coming from me the last time we got together. I also gave her a very heartfelt Christmas card along with a CD I made for her of her favorite songs. Ever since she's suspected my feelings, she has pulled away from me. She even asked a girlfriend of hers to take over my duties as cat sitter this month. When I asked her during our last phone conversation if everything was alright, she evaded the issue and told me that she had to go.
Since all of this happened, I've been heartsick about it. I've fallen in love with her, but it's obvious she's just not interested in me that way. But now it seems she doesn't know how to (or won't) deal with it, so she's avoiding me.
Which finally brings me to the topic in the subject line. Every time I go through an unrequited love situation, all my friends (as well as forums like these) tell me I need to work on my self esteem. The reasoning being that if I loved myself more, I wouldn't allow someone's rejection, indifference, or confusing behavior take over my world. I would tell myself I deserve to be treated "better", or that I shouldn't waste my time, energy, or emotions on a girl who can't reciprocate my feelings. (By the way, I don't fall in love with every girl I ask out; it's only girls who I seem to have a deep friendship with first). My problem with the whole self-esteem belief is that we live in a world where we have to relate to and co-exist with other human beings. Of course, not everyone is going to be our biggest fan, and that will occasionally hurt our ego. Most of the time, we brush ourselves off, get up, and just move on. But when I have feelings for woman like I do now, it's hard to depend on my value as a person to get me over the reality of how wonderful it would be to have her in my life. I can sit at home and love myself and my qualities all I want, but when I go out into the world and leave my safe little bubble, the truth of some situations (like knowing I've possibly ruined my friendship with this girl) still hits me in the gut. And the suspicion or knowledge that she will eventually meet another guy who will win her heart and body with very little effort (chemistry - I know), makes me feel even worse. I feel jealous and betrayed, even though I know in my mind that she has every right to choose whomever she wants for a lover or boyfriend.
I know I rambled a bit here, but I'm going through a lot of confusing emotions right now. My common sense tells me never to contact her again, but my stubborn heart tells me to call her and try to salvage what we did have as friends. My self-esteem doesn't seem to fit in here anywhere.
