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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Jan 1, 2012 13:30:12 GMT -8
I had an awakening last night when I ran out of sugarfree gum...i could of ran to the car for some but i didnt....and in a way i am glad i didnt....I chew this stuff....because i am anger or anxious or having feelings i can deal with....and last night for the second time this week and in 4 1/2 years i compulsively overate food....I am grateful it happened ...because so much has come up for me about....I am struggling between the food addiction and the love addiction....i do understand that sometimes we do go from one addiction to another....oh i also added alittle more caffiene back into my cup.... As I sit here and think about it...thats what i did when i overate and smoked cigarettes....I am not being hard on myself....but i am scared to death.... Many years ago i saw an Oprah show and Bob Greene was on there...and he was discussing how losing weight and smoking needs to go hand in hand....well i started oa first and then 2 months later i gave up smoking....and it worked for me.... As i am writing this...i am thinking...that as long as i stop chewing the gum cause i am angry and talk my anger out....i should be okay...Another big enlightment i had was....if its not the gum its carrots ...or sugarfree hard candy.....i have replaced the overeating of actual food to crunchy food...and together with the love addiction...I do foreseen Oprah doing a show on both subjects...lol.. Anyway...Can anyone please relate with this.... Right before i came on here....to write...i was sitting in my middle room and rocking on my mothers rocking chair that i bought her for christmas some years back...and i was crying for her...i had her red sweater on the chair and then i wrapped it around me....as if she was hugging me...I miss her...and why does it have to feel like this...Okay..so am feeling my feelings...and i am now crying again...this feels like withdraw....and i am hoping and praying it passes....thanks for listening and letting me feel and vent...Sun  |
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Post by mlchris on Jan 1, 2012 16:50:11 GMT -8
Oh, I can soooo feel for you! This past week has been hell for me! I spent Christmas all alone, then New Year's all alone, how depressing. I have been sitting here all weekend waiting for my phone to ring, somebody, ANYBODY.... I feel so alone and I miss my husband so much. Plus my best friend who used to listen and talk to me all the time has a new girlfriend and now he's barely speaking to me. I have spent the last two days moping and crying, shut up in this apartment, almost agoraphobic. I have gone into an eating binge and haven't been to the gym in over a week... I am sooo much in withdrawal and so depressed.... I want to snap out of it but I just can't. I just want you to know you are not alone. I think when we get to this point the first thing we should do is pray to our HP, ask them to help us through this, and hopefully tomorrow will be better.
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bdzc
Junior Member
Posts: 61
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Post by bdzc on Jan 1, 2012 17:06:48 GMT -8
I can definitely relate..I've been having ups and downs with my withdrawal, and the holidays didn't help me much (I'm quite grouchy rather than festive)
I also feel like we go from one addiction to another...it almost feels as if my brain is taking a "break" from the latest topic that has occupied my mind, you know? Like as if I get bored thinking of I don't know, my body so I start thinking of another addictive topic, a POA.
Sometimes I wonder if we are the ones responsible for this unconsciously...in the case of love addiction, there have been times when I'm good, not obsessing over anyone, happy(ier?), ok being single, etc; then I meet someone and don't turn him into a POA...and there's this moment...I don't know how to explain it, it's like an epiphany...a moment of semi-consciousness in which I sort of decide to make this new person into a POA.
I'm not sure if I make any sense...the point with all of this was, I think addiction, obsessions, cover up how emotionally empty our life is...we "need" to obsess over something or be addicted to something , so when we give an addiction up we sometimes take another one instead so we don't need to face whatever it is in our life that's so frightening.
You have to deal with your feelings as much as they might be painful sometimes...it will pass, withdrawal, anger, sadness...it will, eventually go away. Hang in there. And thanks for sharing!
Hugs!
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Post by Loving My Life on Jan 1, 2012 17:31:57 GMT -8
I agree with everyone on this thread, the last 2 days have been a mental relapse for me. For some reason I was thinking about calling or texting my poa, like i know he misses me. And i started all the mental obsession again. So im glad 2moro is monday, and i have some plans, to keep my mind busy, it does me no good now to have to much idle time, b/c my mind always seem to go back to wanting to start this craziness again. So yes we need to stay busy, and lean on our HP. And i think mine it fueled by boredom and being in a lonely non existent sexual relationship with my man for 25 yrs. So idle time at home kills me.
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Post by leighanne885 on Jan 1, 2012 17:47:56 GMT -8
Thank you everyone for posting... It helps to know I'm not alone in feeling so awful these past few days. I cried a lot today... Withdrawl is SO hard. I don't know how I will survive. I don't know how anyone has survived this. I miss my POA so so so much... Every second. I can't stop the thoughts. Every time my phone vibrates my heart stops.
Last night was rough... I drank too much and went home alone early. I am glad the holidays are over. NC is killing me, but my POA's absence from my life and future is what's really painful.
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Post by mlchris on Jan 1, 2012 17:54:44 GMT -8
I agree, I am glad the holidays are over, too, and tomorrow I will be going back to work. I am so looking forward to being around others and not stuck here bored and dwelling on things!
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Post by Loving My Life on Jan 1, 2012 17:57:32 GMT -8
leighanne, we have to stay busy, and im so grateful to god everyday that alcohol is not involved with me. I caught myself this afternoon again trying to convince myself he was the best thing since sliced bread, (addiction talking)...and he really loves me n wants me (fantasy). so i got busy and put up all of my xmas stuff and took a shower, my shower made me feel so much better, so in a little while im going to say my prayers and go to sleep. So do some journaling, and do anything to stop your thoughts some, i was there in July, but it does get better, dont be idle.
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Post by Havefaith on Jan 1, 2012 18:13:07 GMT -8
Leighanne -- I survived. I was 23 when I got involved with a POA who, as I look back at it now, was absolutely toxic. What really helps -- time. It truly does heal the wounds. Nothing lasts forever, not even pain. Trust me. But - I do know my words will not take the pain away. Welcome to the lonely-hearts club. At some point, we all belong...
HaveFaith
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Post by leighanne885 on Jan 1, 2012 18:47:03 GMT -8
Thank you HaveFaith... I know time is what it will take. In a while, I will be able to look back and find the good...but it's so far away. All there is now is pain. He isn't a bad person, and I don't think he is toxic, he's just unavailable and a conflict avoider. So I am going to have to accept this at some point....
Carolyn- fantasy is a big thing for me, and my POA too... Often we would "dream out loud" and talk about the future. I had a fantasy today that I would leave my apt building and see his car. That he was waiting for me. Doesn't help. At all. Journaling helps, a ton. I think before I go to bed I will make a to do list for tomorrow...
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Post by Havefaith on Jan 1, 2012 19:04:20 GMT -8
I know. I understand the pain, I've felt the pain. No short-cut through it, but it DOES NOT last forever.
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Post by nvr2late on Jan 2, 2012 7:19:41 GMT -8
I too can relate. This weekend was very difficult for me. Lonely, feeling sorry for myself, wanting to go drive by or call...anything, anything that might result in contact.
Ugh. I'm pretty sure I need to find a part time job. I'm locked up in this house way too much. It's driving me batty.
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Post by Havefaith on Jan 2, 2012 7:32:26 GMT -8
Best thing to do is keep busy and direct thoughts to more productive things -- I imagine that is true for addicts and non-addicts alike. I have a job that takes me outside of myself and my sick, addictive thinking and directs it towards healthy goals, both for myself and for others (I work with learning disabled high-schoolers and provide academic support). When I do this, I realize it's not all about me. It's also about my students and guiding them. The world does not revolve around me and my addiction. Imagine that, lol !!
There's a big ol' planet called Earth and there are seven million people on it and we are in this together.
HaveFaith
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Jan 4, 2012 8:06:16 GMT -8
I see that I am not alone.....here....we all have those terrible...thoughts and feelings....I wanted to share a AHA Moment I had....I have been struggling last week with my food addiction and my la addiction.....i wrote this on another post...anyway....i remember when i did the same thing with my dieting and smoking...back and forth and back and forth.... So i put on the Oprah network...and she is doing a show from the book....Women Food and God...i believe her name is Genene Roth....sorry if i am wrong about her name...anyway....Oprah shares her inner feelings when she has eaten compulsivity...and then they come to someone in the audience...and she shares that...it was basically all about processing her feelings and not running from them....Duh...like i didnt know that....Well i did know that and we all know that...but in the moment and in reality...its too freakin difficult to walk past it to heal and grow...so i act out...and i have been doing it with my la and my food addiction....i posted last week that i was 4 and a half years of abstincence with my food addiction....and compulsively overate on Christmas night and New Years eve... After hearing her share that....I now how to figure out ...how the hell do i do this...to stop acting out....and just sit with my feelings and feel safe and content....and do it alone...like i did as a little innocent little child.... I would love to hear how you do it....Some things i do are: Hugging myself Loving myself Keeping busy talking to recovery people journaling... doing some work with Gestalt...chair work I find that i do alot....but there are times....when it hits me and i have no idea that ...i am in that moment of fear and pain...and trauma....and i act out immediately...i would love to hear how you take care of yourself verses acting out.....thanks and i love you all....Sun |
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Post by margot on Jan 4, 2012 9:42:24 GMT -8
Sun,
I'm not overweight, never have been but I have problems with compulsive eating. I am hypoglycemic and can't tolerate very much sugar at all. I adore chocolate and especially love cake and doughnuts. I have a whole lot of difficulty staying away from them. I'm very happy when crunching on something like nuts or cheetos or popcorn or ice or hard candy.
Over the holidays I made myself sick with sugar and my mind was not working well at all...........I'm still feeling the effects. It's hard to stay away from it. When I'm stressed I want to eat a crunchy thing and lately I've picked up the gum habit.............haven't had it since I was 10. So I can relate. The holidays have been kind of hard on many of us.
To help myself, I am remembering the time when I ate right and how good I felt physically and how wonderful it was to have a mind with clear thinking. I was able to analyze and correctly solve difficult problems. Now I am not........because of the sugar. My mind is in a fog, my vision is bleary and I lack energy and generally don't feel well. I am gradually going to change my eating habits again. Small bits of sugar every few days only. The rest of the time I'll eat mostly protein and green growing things..........no white flour anywhere. I'll let you know how it goes.
But the real thing that I think will help me is remembering..........how good I felt, how well I thought. Hope that helps a little.
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Post by brainhealth on Jan 4, 2012 10:21:06 GMT -8
Sun,
Yep. I echo what you are feeling. I also echo what everyone else said. I read a long time ago that all addictions have their root in relationship/love addiction. We smoke, drink, overeat, take drigs because of some relationship / Love addiction. We then forget what caused the smoking/drinking/overeating and drug addictions and focus on dealing with the secondry addiction. I did tghe smoking/overeating, but then I found this wonderful board. The rest is history. Today No Initiated Contact by me is 119 days (a couple of minor failures along the way but i still count 119 days). I will eventually go complete NC. I do keep a journal - on my mobile phone in the notes section. It's a real woman of a disease. But, with the company we all meet on this board it is managable. You Sun will prevail. You will recover fully. The only thing you need to realise is that YOU MUST BELIEVE THAT YOU WILL SUCCEED. Self belief will lead to good self esteem or visa versa.
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Jan 4, 2012 18:42:38 GMT -8
Margot....I always say....and it helps me tremendously...is "Nothing taste as good as Abstinence feels"....same thing as u have said....I have been off of the sugar and white flour....since program 2007...i am grateful for the relapses...because it opened my eyes to the bare truth and the core of my feelings and thinking...thanks so much for your sharing...i would love to hear how you are doing with it... brainhealth..thanks for your wonderful post....it gives me more hope.....and yes i am believing more and more in me and my hp....i can do this One day at a time....i am so grateful for these boards.....thanks everyone  ) |
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