Post by bdzc on Jan 11, 2012 21:53:25 GMT -8
Today I feel...I'll dare say it: good . I've had a few moments of irritability and a little anxiety, but today has definitely been an improvement compared to my mood the last couple of weeks.
The reason? I can't pin point it...maybe it's because I saw my psychologist today and she and I talked about some family stuff that were making me feel bad; maybe it's because I haven't had my parents around so I've had more peace of mind; maybe it's because yesterday I cried a lot and that helped to move on a little bit from the pain about POA...It's not like I haven't thought about him, but I have thought less about him and haven't beaten myself up for thinking about him.
I think that maybe all of the above has helped. But the one thing I did that I hadn't done before was...read a self-help book. I begun reading "Feeling Good" by David Burns and been trying to put to work the cognitive method. Replying to your own negative thoughts about yourself and life definitely has helped A LOT.
For example, I think about POA, feel miserable because I'm alone and then rethink..."What do I mean 'alone'? Don't I mean boyfriend-less?What is so upsetting about that? It doesn't mean I will never ever again have a boyfriend or that I won't be loved, or that I'm intrinsically unlovable!"
This is helping me improve my self-esteem radically. I still have negative thoughts about myself and my life, but I have learned to give them a second look...most of the times I'm exaggerating and becoming a slave to my emotions.
And I feel it will help me not to depend so much on external validation. Rejection from POA has cracked my already fragile self-esteem, for some reason I need his (or, in the past, other men's) validation to feel my own worth. Since I'm sick and tired of feeling worthless it's only in MY hands to make me feel differently. I want stability in my self-image, so reasonably, how I think and feel about myself can't be determined by what other people think or feel about me! That might change and vary according to each person, only I can give myself a sense of worth that's going to last
This has come as a HUGE realization. It seems obvious now, but for the life of me I couldn't see it! I was too focused on other people. Sure, they're important too, they exist and we constantly interact with other people who are going to have all kinds of opinions and feelings about us...but guess what? We get to have opinions and feelings about ourselves that are independent from those; opinions and feelings that can be realistic without being negative; things that will help us grow and love ourselves.
I have finally been making this situation about ME, and in a positive way. I have been coping instead of moping!
So, yup I'm slowly improving my self-esteem and that makes me feel a lot better. I know I'll still have bad days, I might still get the blues about POA, but with enough love and compassion for myself I'll get over it and continue living. Positive thinking does wonders (and it doesn't have to be falsely cheerful positive thinking as I thought)!
I wanted to share this today, because it always helps me when I find out other people can and have made improvements.
I think that I finally came up with a meaning for the "We" concept that I've read in the twelve steps thread. I think We are a group of people going through very similar things. Some of us are feeling pain, confusion, anxiety. Some are feeling better, happier. Some are just starting, others are done with the insane suffering.
We are a community and are interconnected through empathy...when the pain diminishes in one of us, the pain in the community itself diminishes. When one of us gets stronger the strength in the community increases too. So here I am, I feel a little less pain; I feel a little stronger!
The reason? I can't pin point it...maybe it's because I saw my psychologist today and she and I talked about some family stuff that were making me feel bad; maybe it's because I haven't had my parents around so I've had more peace of mind; maybe it's because yesterday I cried a lot and that helped to move on a little bit from the pain about POA...It's not like I haven't thought about him, but I have thought less about him and haven't beaten myself up for thinking about him.
I think that maybe all of the above has helped. But the one thing I did that I hadn't done before was...read a self-help book. I begun reading "Feeling Good" by David Burns and been trying to put to work the cognitive method. Replying to your own negative thoughts about yourself and life definitely has helped A LOT.
For example, I think about POA, feel miserable because I'm alone and then rethink..."What do I mean 'alone'? Don't I mean boyfriend-less?What is so upsetting about that? It doesn't mean I will never ever again have a boyfriend or that I won't be loved, or that I'm intrinsically unlovable!"
This is helping me improve my self-esteem radically. I still have negative thoughts about myself and my life, but I have learned to give them a second look...most of the times I'm exaggerating and becoming a slave to my emotions.
And I feel it will help me not to depend so much on external validation. Rejection from POA has cracked my already fragile self-esteem, for some reason I need his (or, in the past, other men's) validation to feel my own worth. Since I'm sick and tired of feeling worthless it's only in MY hands to make me feel differently. I want stability in my self-image, so reasonably, how I think and feel about myself can't be determined by what other people think or feel about me! That might change and vary according to each person, only I can give myself a sense of worth that's going to last
This has come as a HUGE realization. It seems obvious now, but for the life of me I couldn't see it! I was too focused on other people. Sure, they're important too, they exist and we constantly interact with other people who are going to have all kinds of opinions and feelings about us...but guess what? We get to have opinions and feelings about ourselves that are independent from those; opinions and feelings that can be realistic without being negative; things that will help us grow and love ourselves.
I have finally been making this situation about ME, and in a positive way. I have been coping instead of moping!
So, yup I'm slowly improving my self-esteem and that makes me feel a lot better. I know I'll still have bad days, I might still get the blues about POA, but with enough love and compassion for myself I'll get over it and continue living. Positive thinking does wonders (and it doesn't have to be falsely cheerful positive thinking as I thought)!
I wanted to share this today, because it always helps me when I find out other people can and have made improvements.
I think that I finally came up with a meaning for the "We" concept that I've read in the twelve steps thread. I think We are a group of people going through very similar things. Some of us are feeling pain, confusion, anxiety. Some are feeling better, happier. Some are just starting, others are done with the insane suffering.
We are a community and are interconnected through empathy...when the pain diminishes in one of us, the pain in the community itself diminishes. When one of us gets stronger the strength in the community increases too. So here I am, I feel a little less pain; I feel a little stronger!