Post by hrp on Jan 17, 2012 0:47:58 GMT -8
saturday night i got another ping from my POA. he wanted to "reiterate how much he misses being friends with me. hi. hope things are going good for you. gnight"
that's what he wrote.
i had, had a great day and suddenly my stomach dropped.
oh i forgot to mention he also said he was driving through my 'hood.
instantly i wanted again to reply with a nasty response. i have never once been rude or mean to him. i have been angry though and i believe , for now that anger is protecting me.
it's none of my business if he misses me. who cares. how selfish of him. narcissist. i told him he couldn't come back if he decided to leave. i told him it was stirring up all my daddy issues that i've spent years on working through (obviously they are still in tact) he doesn't care at all about me. he is self centered to the extreme. he just wants me in his grips again.
i didn't respond and of course i have those feelings in me that still say i should even though i feel disenchanted with him. crazy.
the funny thing is i have been around so many friends in the recent past that have been involved in insane relationships. very chaotic, very sick. i've felt the urge to tell one of them that i can no longer hear about it. i'm afraid to do this but it might be the answer. i can't co-sign it. i think it's unhealthy for her.
i was feeling jealous of these things not too long ago. why couldn't i stay sick and keep involve. take the little bits that were thrown to me by him and still have some sort of relationship. i can't because H.P. intervened, showed me some truth, gave me some strength.
but here's the thing. i was feeling a little depressed today and a little bored yesterday and couldn't pinpoint why. suddenly it dawned on me that i has spent the weekend away from any of these people with chaos in their lives at such a level and things have been really quiet. i don't have the chaos in my life because i have taken measures to change it. so there i sat and thought- this is feeling boring because i am used to the drama. wow. what a revelation.
so what to do? do i set the boundary? i was advised to perhaps put that ball in motion. i feel myself pulling away because she has become so absorbed in self that she doesn't seem to ever think of anyone but her so it's becoming an unfulfilling relationship for me. it makes sense too because i know when i'm in addiction hell i'm only worried about me.
that's all for now- it took me 3 days to write this because the whole situation overwhelmed me but i feel good, i feel awake and feel like i'm gaining a certain kind of peace that i've never known.
that's what he wrote.
i had, had a great day and suddenly my stomach dropped.
oh i forgot to mention he also said he was driving through my 'hood.
instantly i wanted again to reply with a nasty response. i have never once been rude or mean to him. i have been angry though and i believe , for now that anger is protecting me.
it's none of my business if he misses me. who cares. how selfish of him. narcissist. i told him he couldn't come back if he decided to leave. i told him it was stirring up all my daddy issues that i've spent years on working through (obviously they are still in tact) he doesn't care at all about me. he is self centered to the extreme. he just wants me in his grips again.
i didn't respond and of course i have those feelings in me that still say i should even though i feel disenchanted with him. crazy.
the funny thing is i have been around so many friends in the recent past that have been involved in insane relationships. very chaotic, very sick. i've felt the urge to tell one of them that i can no longer hear about it. i'm afraid to do this but it might be the answer. i can't co-sign it. i think it's unhealthy for her.
i was feeling jealous of these things not too long ago. why couldn't i stay sick and keep involve. take the little bits that were thrown to me by him and still have some sort of relationship. i can't because H.P. intervened, showed me some truth, gave me some strength.
but here's the thing. i was feeling a little depressed today and a little bored yesterday and couldn't pinpoint why. suddenly it dawned on me that i has spent the weekend away from any of these people with chaos in their lives at such a level and things have been really quiet. i don't have the chaos in my life because i have taken measures to change it. so there i sat and thought- this is feeling boring because i am used to the drama. wow. what a revelation.
so what to do? do i set the boundary? i was advised to perhaps put that ball in motion. i feel myself pulling away because she has become so absorbed in self that she doesn't seem to ever think of anyone but her so it's becoming an unfulfilling relationship for me. it makes sense too because i know when i'm in addiction hell i'm only worried about me.
that's all for now- it took me 3 days to write this because the whole situation overwhelmed me but i feel good, i feel awake and feel like i'm gaining a certain kind of peace that i've never known.