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Post by mlchris on Jan 23, 2012 16:43:04 GMT -8
I have been sulking for a few days now. My best friend has abandoned me, I've started acting out in retaliation, and today I started crying realizing that I miss my husband. I am sad, I am angry, and I am disappointed. Whatever strength I had built up is gone, all I do is go to work and come home and sulk. I don't trust anybody anymore. I don't go to the gym anymore and I don't want to. I don't want to come out of this right now... is it normal to be comfortable with my current state? It seems odd that I want to be like this right now.... I know it won't last for long but for now I just don't even care.
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dkny
Full Member
Posts: 173
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Post by dkny on Jan 23, 2012 16:50:02 GMT -8
I know what you're saying! I feel the same way.,,I'm already dreading this weekend b/c I'm going to be lonely and miserable. I look ahead and all I see is me not being able to get up for 2 days straight.
Why do I want this for myself? Why can't I forsee this happening and be like No! I'm not going to do that! I'm going to get up and get out!
But that's not what I'm thinking...I'm thinking I don't want to go anywhere or do anything.
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Post by maryrod on Jan 23, 2012 17:01:38 GMT -8
Been there done that and will probably do it again! Sometimes it's ok. Sometimes we need to be miserable and just feel the pain!
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Post by leadbelly on Jan 23, 2012 17:08:28 GMT -8
Diving into misery is a good thing because it feels so good coming out again :-)
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Post by maxheadcase on Jan 23, 2012 17:17:35 GMT -8
I decided to call my POA after seeing that she called yesterday after I'd just got home from her place. I guess I was curious as to why she had called. All kinds of thoughts ran through my head as to what she could possibly be calling for being that the last time she actually called me was back on Christmas day.
She called just to share a moment with me. It seems after I left she rearranged her living room furniture...again...she does that a lot...That was pretty much it. She really didn't have nothing else to talk about, not anything about the weekend, or it was nice to hang out for the first time in nearly a month....nothing.
Why does this hurt so much? I know we are just friends. I know that is all we will ever be. I don't dream about a future with her. I don't think she is the right woman for me. So WHY does her indifference towards me hurt? Why do I wonder if she has someone else in her life? Why do I continue to go see her when I don't even really miss her? Why does this person have so much control over me and my heart?
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Post by mlchris on Jan 23, 2012 17:27:03 GMT -8
"I don't dream about a future with her. I don't think she is the right woman for me. "
Is it possible you may be in denial? Maybe you are telling yourself this and deep down inside this really is what you're wanting? And the fact that you know you will never be any more than friends is why it hurts? The reason I'm saying this is because I think that is what happened with me and my "friend"...as much as I wanted to deny it I think deep down inside I was falling for him and I knew all he wanted was friendship. And I think he realized that....
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Post by maxheadcase on Jan 23, 2012 17:29:06 GMT -8
I enjoy her company...well most of the time. Even on Saturday it was weird. For awhile it felt so comfortable and than she would have little confrontations with her daughter, making things briefly uncomfortable, I seem to be the one to break the tension between the two of them when this happens. Her brother called around 2:00am, we were just getting done with yahtzee. She talked with him for two hours, snapping her fingers at her daughter (and me?) angrily while we were talking. And then telling her brother they were bowling and asked her daughter what her score was, I felt like "wow she doesn't want him to know I was with her or something?" So now I'm back to square one with the 24/7 loop of these idiotic thoughts of her in my head. I know what I have to do. It should be so easy. Some of her comments and actions are the red flags, the ones I've been ignoring since day 1. I know I must go into N/C if I'm going to get healthy. People say to hold onto friendships, because good friends are hard to find. Is she my friend? Can I count on her? Am I just a joke to her? Do I mean anything at all to her? Why do I even care?  Sorry for hijacking another thread. I don't know how to start a new thread. I also want to apologize for the whiny venting. |
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Post by mlchris on Jan 23, 2012 17:39:37 GMT -8
Don't apologize, what you are saying strikes a chord with me... I think this is exactly the same scenario as my situation. Now I'm thinking instead of abandoning me he may actually be doing me a favor because he IS my friend.... but who knows. I will have to leave that up to my higher power. Maybe you should dig down deep and think about what I said about your situation.... that could explain why it "bothers" you so much...
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Post by maxheadcase on Jan 23, 2012 18:03:09 GMT -8
mlchris, you could be right. She may view me as a friend, one she may not want to hurt and distancing herself from me and all, is the slow fade away, the only way she knows how to push me away without hurting me???
As my friend, she doesn't know this bothers me. I have never shown it since we mutually agreed to remain friends and see where things go. I've just kind of gone with the flow. So it isn't the fact that her wanting to just be friends isn't what bothers me, although yeah I obviously have some feelings for her....I don't know anymore. But I know I don't have feelings like this for other friends so....? This is obvious one person I can't have in my life even as a friend....Day one of no contact begins tomorrow....again. *sigh*
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Post by maxheadcase on Jan 23, 2012 18:11:27 GMT -8
Okay, after reading mlchris's first response to my lengthy vent, I believe you are right. Deep down I would love more with this woman. In reality knowing it can never be is what hurts. Seeing her as a friend is fun but obviously painful afterwords. I guess I must just focus on moving on. This is so frickin' weird how we allow one person to turn our worlds upside down. I truly want her to find happiness, even if its with another guy or if she gets married again, because when it comes right down to it, she has been a dear friend, someone I've shared some nice moments with. She didn't bring on this insanity, I did it all on my own. I just think if I knew there was someone else it would be easier to walk away, that was how I was able to move on the first time around. God I wish there was a pill for this.  |
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Post by mlchris on Jan 23, 2012 18:14:44 GMT -8
Maybe the NC is just what you need...and maybe it is just what I need too, as much as it hurts. I think maybe he knew that and since I would not initiate the NC, he felt the only choice was to force it. I hate that he and I were so close and now he won't even speak to me. I miss him. But maybe this is how it needs to be, at least for now. Good luck with your NC.... keep me posted.
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Post by maxheadcase on Jan 23, 2012 18:28:13 GMT -8
I keep thinking of what I once thought to myself about my friendship with my POA. I was thinking months ago just as I started having feelings for her that I'd rather never see my POA again, knowing it ended on good terms as friends, no anger or hatred, then to have our friendship end with anger and hatred.
Now if I can just convince myself of this and let go while we are still speaking on good terms....
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Post by mlchris on Jan 23, 2012 18:34:46 GMT -8
It would definitely be better that way, in my opinion. If you do it under good terms then maybe it will be easier to resume the friendship as a healthy friendship once you have finished recovery. I am hoping that is my case, but at this point I'm not sure. I do not know where I stand with him or if our friendship is on hiatus or what.... I guess I will just have to take it one day at a time and accept whatever happens.
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