What a complete mess I made

a parallel coincidence perhaps... I'm home, it's saturday night so where else would I be, but anyways even though I rarely watch movies I'm watching star wars episode 3. And just moments ago Yoda offered this advice to Anakin... "Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose."

Yeah, leadbelly, I relate. I was soooo mad when I realized all my problems began with me. I was like, "I have to deal with WHAT? I don't have time for this! There has to be some other way..." But there wasn't.

I mean, thank G-d that there IS a way to recover, you know? I felt so lost and so alone and so...troubled. I would rather be in recovery -- do all the hard work -- than go back to doing it the hard way.

nahhhhh, I just looked at my list.... $sshole.....

But I feel down, even though I am doing the work slowly and as it comes, I am in pain. I don't really think I have known life without this background pain, that's why when I meet someone who makes me feel high with happiness, it is so d**n powerful in me.

That is directly from my childhood...from wanting to escape how awful it was growing up with a tyrannical father and a sick mother....my life existed on outside events to soothe things over. I guess I started rejecting myself way back then as my father hit and threatened me. Doesn't seem to matter that I understand this now???

leadbelly that was really helpful for me when you said 'background pain.' That's a really good description of it. so, yes, I think that's a big piece of our addiction.

As to whether your poa was a nice guy -- I don't think he was, but does it matter? You could study him until you knew every lie he told, every wrinkle on his face and the name of his first dog.

He is irrelevant. The point is you chose him. You chose to have a relationship with someone who was not good to you. Why? Why would you do that to yourself? Why do you not feel you are worth loving? What happened in your past to make you feel this way? Why do you create situations that end in chaos? And what are you going to do about it? If you do nothing -- I guarantee the same thing will happen over and over again. Ask anyone on this board. We go looking for these people. I can't tell you how many handsome and terrible men I dated before recovery. I didn't even have a healthy relationship to compare it to.

So in my opinion, it's not about him. You have to focus on you. diane17's post is right. You gotta rewire your brain, girl. I didn't get it until my friend in recovery said, "He is not the problem -- he is ::a:: problem -- but you are ::the:: problem." Ouch! But it was true.

A recovery plan, this forum, maybe a 12 step program, books on our addiction -- they will help you repair. You can retrain your brain, begin to make healthy decisions, and eventually love yourself. Trust me, I was the lasssst person to believe this was possible. But it is.

I think you are on the right path!

Monday a.m.....just getting ready to go to work and feeling anxious but determined. I think he may be off today, so I'll just get my bearings. Not seeing him for 5 days created an automatic NC, but here I go in reality with my life in working with him. Even if my addiction goes away completely AND IT WILL, I have decided I do not want to engage in a working friendship. I never really liked him in the beginning and I should have stopped there....kinda like the Stockholm Syndrome.

I will post tonight when I get home, even if it's just to myself.

LB, remember to keep your inner-child under control. tell her to be quiet and behave today. Have a wonderful monday.

Maybe nothing did change for all that time. But things are changing now! It's evident in your posts, your making changes. And I suspect you'll see evidence of those changes, how you feel and act sooner then later. Keep it up, you may not be there but your on your way so keep it up.

It makes a lot pf sense. It's a process and it's going to take time.. and faith in your higher power. Give yourself the time your going to need to reflect on where you've been and where your going along with the changes you need to make and what you need to let go of and turn over to your higher power.

Strange. My POA just called me. He was worried that I am avoiding him because I took the rest of the week off, and that I'm going to tell on him. We actually had a really really nice talk. I assured him I was not going to tell, but that I needed time to get things right in my head and that on my return things would look different...not "because I hate you", but that I "put alot of fantasy qualities around you and I just need to know you a different way without all the stuff around you" and in order to do that I need to stay away in order to see what I really have.

It has eased the pain considerably, but now I want to make hay while I'm off and do the work required in order to begin to understand why I go for men who don't really like me!!! and then start obsessing about them....this is the good work.

I feel very, very hopeful today. Thanks to LovelyJune and everyone else's explanation of venting and then obsessing and then addiction. Life is so much easier when I reach out.

Jealousy. Can anyone comment on this today? No one and I mean no one likes to talk or admit to this but it happens....the same about loneliness - it's there. Re jealousy, I notice I have been feeling it acutely, but only in association with my POA.

I have also noticed my irritation levels go up - I swear to god, I would push an old lady down the stairs if it meant being with my POA. And I don't care about anything or anyone if I feel panicked because of him? I'm wondering if I could say something to myself when this happens....and maybe as my life coach suggests, I put out energy that keeps people away. I was trying to get a grip on how I was interacting with others yesterday - am I too clingy, too needy, brash, disrespectful??? but then people felt genuinely happy to see me - big smiles and willing to talk about their stuff with me??? Maybe this is 'dissonence' that Kuuipo talks about.

Is all the above an arm of 'addictive' like behaviour.

I am wondering tonight how badly I want to change? To help myself? How serious am I? Do I take myself seriously? I pump myself up into a froth about wanting to do this and that etc.etc. and then do not follow through. Is it laziness? I know what to do.

just wondering lots tonight......when will I make myself count.

LB, we just have to do it, even when we dont feel like it, i can talk myself out of anything, that is one of my character defects, i procastinate, but iam making progress with that. we cant be motivated by how we feel, we just have to take some actions. And I know you are not to fond of 12 step meetings, but it would help you so much if you could find some kind of support group to be around people who are going thru the same thing you are. it is just nice to have others for face to face contact. But also be sure and journal about how you feel, and what you want to change. And just stay focused on one day at a time, it is easier to manage only one day. First things first.

LB, Iam with you on the losing some weight, and being on this forum, sometimes it is good to take a break because it is alot of information at once, and it does take a minute too process all of this. We did not get this way overnight, and it is not going to be fixed overnight. but as long as we are taking baby steps to improve our life, that is all we can do. we cant do more than we are capable of, we have to learn and grow.
Im glad you have your life coach, as long as you have some people in your inner circle, to see face to face. B/c isolation when your new in recovery is never good, b/c we have that committee in our heads, working overtime, we can drive ourselves insane. But just pace yourself, and limit yourself with how much time you spent on here. I needed this forum when i first got here, b/c i got my mind off of waiting to hear from my poa. but just know your limits.

good luck on losing weight also, we just have to be dedicated...

LB, something else you can do from time to time, when your writing, write down all the progress that you have made since you came to this site, sometimes we dont realize our own progress. and just little things, it is all baby steps. your doing good, keep it up. have a nice evening. going to sleep now.