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Post by leadbelly on Feb 8, 2012 18:29:49 GMT -8
I'm wondering if anyone else feels this way; when someone is being kind to them/me, does it feel painful and almost like this person is pitying you?
My POA did something very kind toward me tonight and it hurt as much as something unkind being done to me? but this is generally how I feel....it feels very hard to take inwardly.
Is it as predictable as feeling like "I don't deserve" it??
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Post by CherryLimeAid on Feb 8, 2012 18:40:10 GMT -8
Not worthy of it, don't deserve it, didn't earn it - all those feelings and thoughts come up for me at times. I just have to stop that negative self-talk when it starts. I cannot begin to know another's motives.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Feb 9, 2012 4:25:40 GMT -8
Yep. Not all the time, but sometimes definitely, kindness actually feels like it hurts. I live with a lady and her dad, and they are demonstrably loving with each other. It's so foreign to me, I have trouble believing it's real, and accepting it at face value. Tonight my flatmate hugged me goodnight and she said "Love you", which she often says to people, and then she said laughing (because she knows how I am about this) "You don't have to say anything back". So sweet.
I have a theory that because my mother used to get very angry at me, often after she had done loving, kind things for me, like buy me something, or make a cake for me, that I learned to put up a big wall and mistrust kind deeds. My default pattern is to keep a distance with people. Like it's safer to. I don't share much (believe it or not) until I feel sure that I will be listened to. As soon as I get the slightest hint that the person is not interested I suck it all back in instantly. It's sad, because I have a lot to share.
My PoA was someone who would rarely REALLY listen to me. I picked someone who was very similar to my mother. Addicted, self-absorbed, funny, charming, etc etc, BAD LISTENER. And basically, when someone doesn't want to listen, they're not really there for you.
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Post by leadbelly on Feb 9, 2012 7:19:11 GMT -8
yes Jacarandagirl I understand. It feels like I have my nose pressed up to glass all the time....I want the kindness towards me so badly, but I feel like I'm in pain when it does happen. I think this is a good place to start my own life therapy. Jac - do you want to change any of this?
I think that relationships cause pain and hurt and will end.....so guess what? this is exactly what I get.
2012 is, right out of the starting gate, is going to be my biggest year for transforming myself.
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Post by celestine on Feb 9, 2012 10:39:05 GMT -8
I don't feel like I don't deserve someone being nice to me and I don't feel like it's pity... well sometimes I do but I think that is normal. I do have a hard time with it because I think I owe them something then. Like there are strings attatched to everything. I feel like I owe something I can't pay back if that makes sense. I am not good at showing love and affection either. I feel it but showing it for me is very hard. My mom was very affectionate when we were kids but my dad was gone a lot to work and was not a loving, touching man. He loved us no doubt but couldn't show it. He was living in camps on his own all the time. POA reminds me of my dad. Alot. Like a crazy amount. Right down to the living in camps all the time. It makes me sad when I think about it.
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Post by Healing Ku'uipo on Feb 9, 2012 18:38:09 GMT -8
I totally get what your saying... I'm still guarded. I still feel invisible sometimes and then go into low self worth places. I did it this week in class, I did it today. I feel like If I just shut down and close myself off then I wont feel hurt and expanding my horizons and bonding with someone feels scary and kind of Impossible.
I can tell when I feel this that some part of me, some lonely child inside of my is crying out for attention and love.
Years ago When my poa came close my low self worth overtook me, that sent me into therapy, and for that I am grateful.
Breathe, take small steps, Love and Hug Yourself...
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Post by findingstrength on Feb 10, 2012 13:28:49 GMT -8
For me any gesture of love made by my POA simply upsets me. Not because I feel I dont deserve it or anything like that, but because I feel she is lying to me. It makes any nice thing she tries to do seem like she is trying to play me. Like she is saying to me "i wont give you the truth or true change...im only going to do [insert miniscule gesture]"
I dont like it because I feel manipulated. Im smarter than she is, but I let my emotions overtake my common sense. I do not like the feeling at all.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Feb 11, 2012 4:25:25 GMT -8
@leadbelly- yes. I'm working on it every day. I've had enough of suffering. My HP gives me lots of great challenges and I'm doing my best. Sometimes it doesn't feel like I'm doing very well, and other times I'm pretty happy with how I'm doing. Every day is full of insight and learning!
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