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Post by gemmrose1 on Feb 10, 2012 7:28:55 GMT -8
Hello everyone,
I have a lodger who smokes Pot (Not in my house by the way) but is a lovely warm person who always helps anyone. He also, in my opionion has anger issues. Before recovery we used to hang out together drinking & stuff and it was fun but now I am working on my recovery things are very different and I, to be honest am quite difficult to live with, coping wih depression, anxiety and withdrawel from drugs and my love addiction.
He has just said he could not give me all my rent as he's been doing Reiki healing for free and not working, he said me and my daughter don't really need the money. . That hit a nerve as I am trying to have boundaries now and not accept everything people say. I tried to put my point across nicely by saying that maybe he shoud charge for it as I need the money. He got very angry and shouted at me that this is a gift from God so he won't charge then stormed off stating that I had really made him upset.
I just find all this people stuff so difficult I have lost all my close friends as I cannot be around drinking and drug use anymore and I just feel so isolated and alone now it looks like I have lost him as well. Part of me says that change it so difficult and that is why I feel this pain in losing so many people but he s such a warm kind person gerenally but has no regard for money. I on the other hand have to work very hard as a single mother looking after myself and my daughter.
I am also a terrible people pleaser so this has devastated me.
All advise welcome. I am not very good at asking for help, so I am, as always so very grateful to this site for being here for me...
Gemma
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Post by leadbelly on Feb 10, 2012 7:44:46 GMT -8
Wow Gemma I'm sorry for your learning curve for sure. I am reading of the pain of loss but the quality of loss is the good part only.
I just see your lodger as being someone outrageous, and am not convinced that he is a good soul if he's taking your monetary inventory?? and making decision based on that to serve himself?? really weird.
I hope you find some solace here and something in today that will bring you some kindnesses!!!
You are being brought onto a new path and it's never easy or comfortable.
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Post by gemmrose1 on Feb 10, 2012 7:57:35 GMT -8
Thanks leadbelly that was good for me to hear. I'm not very good with people being typical Co-dependant. Help help, then attack. So I am really trying to get some boundaries in with people & not let the resentments build up. I looked at my Lodger / friend as someone who cared for me & we could have disgreements and move on from them but now I'm wondering whether we are just to different now.
Loss again, so painful, but I have made some new recovery friends which is good. Don't they say certain people have to go in order to make room for more healthier people.
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Post by luvmyself2 on Feb 10, 2012 8:02:03 GMT -8
I'm sorry you're going through this too, I know how it feels to be totally isolated and alone when my past life in an unhealthy relationship is gone and I now have to face recovery with the fallout of having few good/healthy people in my life.
You were right to express your boundaries - he's just angry that he can't/won't meet his end of the agreement. You're the one who should be upset and it sounds to me like he's twisted it around to be angry at you instead. It's not your problem that he works for free. He's probably just feeling desperate that he can't pay.
I also had some fallout last night with a family member who meant well but crossed a line with me, and when I stated I thought he was out of bounds, he lashed out at me in a very shocking way. So I know how you feel. I guess our challenge is to be assertive in as neutral, compassionate way as possible.
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Post by gemmrose1 on Feb 10, 2012 8:09:54 GMT -8
Oh yes LMT i read your story and felt for you. Actually it was the 1st story I read when he stormed out and I felt less lonely identifying with you & knowing what you are going through . I / you were /was right to express boundaries and thank you for pointing that out. I guess if our friendship cannot survive these disagreements it's not meant to be.
I naively thought that once I have conquered NC life would be plain sailing but it's just the beginning of learning a new way of relating to people and ourselves and sometimes it sucks :-)
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Post by gemmrose1 on Feb 10, 2012 8:16:48 GMT -8
Very funny Paisley like that. In all fairness he does always pay up in the end and is very generous. He's done up my garden for me, but I was just trying to get him to see that mine and my daughters needs are important and not to be brushed off. It's his decision to not charge for healing, not mine. I thought I did it in a mature way but he just got really angry. I need to be around people that allow me to express my opinions safely so I guess I'm answering my own questions here...
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Post by happyberry on Feb 10, 2012 8:41:02 GMT -8
you have a contractual agreement. He is not meeting his end of the bargain. Emotions and niceness are not a part of this. He is violating a boundary.
He's showing you he's not nice, right there. Doing Reiki for free is his problem, not yours.
Suze Orman talks a lot about how women let emotions dictate bad business decisions.
His excuse is, frankly, Bullsh*t
In any other place in the world would a landlord allow a tenant to do this? Of course not? Sounds like he is really trying to take advantage of you. He CERTAINLY does not get to say whether or not you need the money!! that's an INSANE rationalization and wildly inappropriate and none of his business.
That's like me not paying a credit card bill because Visa doesn't need my money.
If that were the case you could just as soon kick him out, right? why would you rent the room if you didn't need the money?
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Feb 10, 2012 14:04:45 GMT -8
I think the way to protect yourself and to notice that someone (this guy) is overstepping your boundaries is to ask yourself questions like "Whose business is it if I charge rent and demand to be paid?"
He is in your business. It doesn't matter if he doesn't like it. This friend of yours sounds like he has cottoned on to the fact that you are a people pleaser and is trying his luck at manipulating you into accepting no rent this month/week.
Life is giving you a great opportunity to identify a boundary here, and to ask for it to be respected. If he won't do it, you then have another opportunity at strongly protecting your own boundaries. Good luck!
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Post by margot on Feb 10, 2012 20:06:28 GMT -8
I agree with Jacaranda. Please think of you and your child first in this case. I was once burdened with a person of that philosophy for over 2 years. What a pain he was and I did everything to please him and give to him. It still irks me how self-neglectful I was and how selfish he was. We all have gifts from God...........he is not so special.
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